Barbara Schmidt's Blog, page 8

My Favorite Thing About Boundaries

My dear friends,

Here on the blog, we’ve often chatted about the topic of boundaries and why they are an important aspect of self-care. This week, I want to talk more about boundaries, and an aspect of the practice I’ve found to really benefit my life.  Often when we think of boundaries, we think of how to keep what we don’t want, out. I hope to encourage you to reframe this definition and look at boundaries as a way to protect the good, and honor what’s sacred.

In short, setting boundaries is the ultimate act of self-care.

A few months ago I was asked to do something that I really didn’t want to do. My intuition said no, my heart pulled back, and deep down I knew that saying no was in my best interest and highest good. I have a history of being a people pleaser and a pushover, and so, despite all my internal warnings, I said yes.

There’s a large part of me who doesn’t like to disappoint and wants to be “liked”. Saying yes when I should have said no left me feeling stressed, anxious, angry, frustrated, out of alignment, distracted, whiny, negative, and out of sorts (amongst many other uncomfortable feelings).

Does this resonate with any of you, too?

I think many of us inflict upon ourselves this stress and anxiety because we think we have to, in order to be liked, accepted, welcomed, or included. The truth is, being a people pleaser and a pushover doesn’t really do anyone any good. People don’t really like you more this way, and ultimately you hurt yourself each and every time you participate in this habit.

Luckily, we can break the habit of people pleasing by cultivating one simple practice into our lives: setting boundaries.

I’ve resisted the idea of setting boundaries for a long, long time, because of my own need to be liked as I stated earlier. In my mind, I believed that the boundaries would scare people away, shut people out, and make me feel more alone.

It’s simply not true.

Boundaries are a form of empowerment, strength, and a way for us to align with our identity, our desires, and where we stand in the world. When you don’t have boundaries, you are sending out a signal that you don’t know what you want, that you’ll take whatever you can get, and that you won’t put up a fight along the way.

When you don’t have boundaries, you feel like you are constantly living in a “doormat” mentality. Setting boundaries is a form of self-respect and self-love. By respecting yourself enough to set the necessary boundaries in your life, you’ll discover a unique sense of freedom and peace of mind.

Right after that situation I mentioned above, I made a promise to myself to get in touch with my boundaries and practice enforcing them. The relief I felt was immediate.

If you are looking to start establishing more healthy boundaries in your life, here are a few helpful tips for you:

Remember that boundary setting is an act of self-care and preservationYou don’t have to betray yourself to be likable and worthy of loveWhen you know what you want, you’ll know when places and situations aren’t alignedKnow that it’s okay to say no without an explanationHold close the people in your life who respect you and your boundaries, they are your inner circle

Thank you so much for being here another week, sending you all so much love!

xo, Michelle

The post My Favorite Thing About Boundaries appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.

A New Lesson I Learned About Grief

My dear friends,

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that when I was 21-years-old, my dad unexpectedly passed away. This past summer marked the 15-year anniversary of his death. I’ve been very open and honest here about how I manage my relationship with grief and how I managed such a huge unexpected loss, and truthfully I thought that I had kind of figured the whole grief thing out. But recently, I was reminded that grief isn’t something that you can ever figure out, and that the waves of it stick with you forever.

I am currently going through some very big changes in my personal life that have brought up a range of emotions within me, most interestingly a resurgence of my grief. For whatever reason, during this period of change and uncertainty for me, it’s almost as if my mind and heart is suspended in reality and forgets that my dad is gone. I’ve instinctively felt the urge to reach out to him to talk about things, even after 15 years of him being gone. The subconscious upheaval has been so strange and unsettling, and of course, makes me feel like I’m right back in those early stages of grief again. The sadness that I’ve felt lately mirrors the sadness I felt when it was fresh in 2007, and for a moment I sat in disbelief not even understanding this was possible.

How could I feel this intense wave of sadness even after so much time?

What I’ve learned from this, and why I wanted to share this with you all this week is because this experience for me reaffirms that the journey of grief never really ends, and it is a constant, continuous wave of so many emotions. Every new chapter of life will present new experiences and new feelings that will force you to face the loss and your longing, and in each new phase it will probably feel different.

Dearest friends, the biggest lesson for me is that no matter how many years go by, and for however long you’ve experienced feelings of acceptance, and you might even feel over your grief all together, remember that there will be moments in life that may call the tides of grief back in. I have often said, grief is the reminder of a love that was present, and real, and even though that love, in its original form, doesn’t exist any more, the love is still present. This brings me comfort because I will always be grateful for love, regardless of it’s form.

I hope this is helpful to anyone experiencing grief or loss, sending you all so much love.

xo, Michelle

The post A New Lesson I Learned About Grief appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.

10 Ways to Make Someone’s Day

Hi my dear friends,

These days it feels like we are perpetually living in tense and uncertain times. It’s quite common for me to witness confrontation and anger when I leave my house. So many of us are feeling burned out, overwhelmed, overstretched, and simply exhausted.

This week, I just want to remind you all that if you are feeling any of these feelings, it is completely normal. These are not normal times, and thus our mental and physical reactions to it all will feel uncomfortable and unsettling. But the truth is your feelings are always valid no matter what.

I, myself, have been struggling more than usual lately, and rather than being hard on myself for it, I remind myself that no feeling is ever final, and even this, too shall pass.

One of my favorite ways to lift my own spirits is to help lift the spirits of another. Kindness costs nothing, and it often means everything, especially during this season of life.

Here are my favorite ways to spread love and kindness these days:

Being fully present in conversations with other people. By looking people in the eye, and being fully engaged in your interactions, people will feel your care and consideration.Being extra patient with others and allowing extra time for long lines and extra wait times.Sending a loving message, text, or email, just because.Running an errand or completing a task for a loved one who is truly overstretched.Communicating your needs with the people around you, and allowing them to do the same with you.Honoring your boundaries that make you feel safe and whole, and doing the same with others.Releasing judgments for how other people choose to live their lives, and wish them well from afar.Buying a coffee for the person behind you in line, or chipping in for a gift fund for someone who is experiencing financial hardship.Showing and expressing your appreciation and gratitude for the people around you, especially service workers, healthcare workers, and retail employees.Taking care of, and honoring your needs, so that you have the energy and the space to show up for others when called to do so.

Sending you all so much love this week and always,

xo, Michelle

The post 10 Ways to Make Someone’s Day appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.

5 Ways I’m Breaking Family Cycles

My dear friends,

Recently, I was having a conversation with one of my colleagues about the topic of ‘cycle breaking’. I hadn’t actually heard the term before, but as someone who researches and studies psychology, my colleague described to me the concept that a cycle breaker is someone who is able to identity toxic patterns and cycles that have been passed down by family, and conscientiously decides to create new patterns.

As someone who has been in therapy most of my life unraveling my own family dysfunction and difficulty, this made so much sense to me. I’ve often discussed in my own therapy sessions the concept of healing with the intention of being the last person in my lineage to carry certain family traumas.

Our families, or the people we spend our growing up years surrounded by, are the first ones to truly influence us, mold us, and shape us. In our formative times, we pick can up on toxic traits and dysfunctional patterns as a way of coping, surviving, and being cared for.

I know that every person has their own set of difficulties to unravel and heal, however, this week, I wanted to share five ways I’m hoping to break my own family cycles, with the desire that they inspire you on your journey as well.

Committing to therapy and personal development as a lifelong commitment. Therapy has helped me to identify and break down blocks and patterns that keep me stuck in familial loops. Investing in myself, my mental health, and my family’s well-being will always be a priority to me.Learning how to set healthy boundaries. Knowing what you will and will not tolerate in your life is the first step, and communicating what you need in a kind way is just as important. The art of boundary setting requires mindful, skillful communication and respect. Also remember that boundaries are a two-way street, respect the boundaries that others set as well.Not taking other people’s actions personally. It’s important to remember that other peoples words and deeds say nothing about who you are and everything about who they are. The more I remember to not take things personally, the less reactive, judgmental, and angry I feel.Taking a pause before reacting in stressful situations. There’s so much I’d wish I could take back from times that I’ve reacted too quickly and said or did something I didn’t mean. There is so much power in the pause, and with that power, comes confidence and healing.Being kind and loving to myself, and releasing perfectionism and the need to people please. I know that I’m my best self when I care for myself fully and completely. When I show up to life from this healed and happy place, that’s when I notice powerful familial shifts.

What are some ways you’ve noticed yourself being a cycle breaker? Let me know in the comments!

xo, Michelle

The post 5 Ways I’m Breaking Family Cycles appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.

What I Learned From Telling the Truth

My dear friends,

In the past, if you had ever asked me if I considered myself an honest person, I would unequivocally answer yes. From when I was a small child, the value of honesty and integrity was deeply instilled in me, and so, I felt that honesty was a big piece of who I am and what I value.

The truth is, I am an honest person, but to a degree. No, I don’t lie to cheat and manipulate but while doing some soul searching,  I found myself avoiding the full truth when it came to people pleasing and not wanting to rock my life’s boat.

I noticed a pattern within myself, especially when it came to saying “no” to people or an invitation, that I would rack my brain to try to come up with an acceptable excuse as to why I was saying no. When I was younger I would always blame things on my parents, they were the perpetual scapegoats. As an adult, I’ve become incredibly crafty with elaborate excuses and stories. But the truth is, I was being a liar.

It was recently, when I was asked to attend an event, that I had no interest or desire in attending that I really saw my subconscious liar come into play. I didn’t want to go to the event, I was completely clear about that, but I didn’t want to hurt the person’s feelings who had invited me, and I didn’t want this person to not like me anymore for saying no.

My brain went into overdrive of what I could say to make it all okay; what story I could tell that would let this person down easy. I spent a lot of time trying to come up with an acceptable story: my usual go-tos are “I’m traveling!” or “I’m working!” and yes, sometimes I still use my mom as an out. I thought about all the details, and how I would have to make sure my excuse checked out, and that I wouldn’t get caught. The whole thing was, exhausting.

I had a moment of clarity when I wondered to myself, what would happen if I just said no, but thank you, and conveyed that I would love to be invited again in the future, but that this invitation simply didn’t work out for me. What would that feel like?

I made the call and did just that. I was kind, but I didn’t give any room for this person to convince me why I shouldn’t say no. Strong and firm. And it was completely okay. The person understood, and they appreciated my honesty. I felt amazing and relieved, and I wondered how much of my life and time had I wasted coming up with lies and excuses, rather than just being brave enough to tell the truth?

Once I started to give myself the permission to say no, and to be confident, and to tell the truth without excuse or reason, my life felt lighter and more free. The truth is, telling the truth saves everyone’s time.

When I told the truth, and wasn’t wishy washy with my response in this particular situation, I let this person off the hook. They weren’t waiting for me for an answer, and they were left clear with where I stood. And they appreciated that! I didn’t have to agonize about what to say and how to say it, I didn’t have to get any stories straight, and my conscious felt clear because I didn’t have that worry of getting caught in the lie.

Now, with that awareness in mind, I can see clearly when I start to fall back into the lying, people pleasing patterns, and consciously decide to act differently. Telling the truth is the most empowering life practice you can choose to partake in. You’ll feel more aligned, energized, and the people around you will actually value you more for being so straight forward.

It’s true what they say, the truth does set you free, and how amazing it is to be the ones to gift ourselves this freedom.

xo, Michelle

The post What I Learned From Telling the Truth appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.

5 Positive Affirmations for New Beginnings

Dear friends,

For those of us in the US, we are saying goodbye to the Summer season and preparing for Fall. With this changing of the seasons comes back to school, new projects, and oftentimes, new routines. No matter where you live in the world, the change of seasons provides a clean slate, and a chance for us to tap in with ourselves, center ourselves, and set intentions for the time ahead.

While a clean slate and a new beginning can feel uplifting and positive, it also can bring forth the anxieties and worries of the unknown. This week, I wanted to share with you my favorite affirmations I use to center myself during times of transition or a fresh start. These affirmations serve as a grounding reminder to keep the faith in my life’s path and trust myself in each moment.

I hope they provide support, hope, and guidance for you as we enter into this new chapter!

I trust the timing of my life, I love to watch my life unfold in each moment.I am worthy of the good things coming to me.I am strong, capable, and ready to take on this chapter of my life.I always feel loved, supported, and valued.I love my life and I am grateful for each new opportunity.

What affirmations do you use during times of transition? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

xo, Michelle

The post 5 Positive Affirmations for New Beginnings appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.

My Favorite Practice for Connecting with Myself

Dear friends,

I know these times have been confusing, chaotic, and uncertain. Life has those elements anyways, but experiencing it all at once, can feel almost too much to bear.

Whenever life gets too overwhelming externally, I always take that as a cue to drill down, internally. I fully believe in the power of establishing a strong relationship with ourselves, bringing positive and helpful practices in to our daily routines, and being mindful of our thoughts and actions day in and day out. It’s this inner work that I feel extends into our outward reality and helps us to navigate through this winding, difficult, and often times confusing life.

One of the most enriching, and clarifying practices in my life, is to understand and tap into what I value. For so long I considered values to be institutionalized beliefs and systemic standards that were to be placed upon me rather than cultivated within me. Values are deeply personal, and play an incredibly important role in our lives. They are a foundational piece of our identity, influencing much of our thoughts, beliefs, and actions.

Knowing this to be true, we can begin to recognize the importance of understanding what we value, why we value it, and how we choose to live in alignment with those values.

In order to connect with our true values, we have to set aside the unaligned ones that have been placed upon us, and ask ourselves the important, vulnerable questions that resonate with our soul’s truth.

Sitting quietly, with a journal, slowly ask yourself these questions. Without overthinking or overanalyzing, write down what answers come to mind, and free write the responses.

Who am I?

What do I really want?

What do I value?

What impact do I wish to have on the world?

What are the aligned actions I can take that bring me closer to what I desire?

Whenever I take part in this practice, I always learn something new about myself, and it is so rewarding. In establishing and truly understanding what I, Michelle, value in this life I have felt such a feeling of freedom, confidence, clarity, and peace. I wish that deeply for all of you.

xo,

Michelle

p.s. If any of this resonated with you, let me know in the comments! I read through all the comments no matter when they are posted.

The post My Favorite Practice for Connecting with Myself appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.

Breaking This Pattern Changed My Relationships

Dear friends,

If you were to ask me what I think one of life’s biggest lessons is, I would without hesitation say, relationships. If you stop and think about it, relationships infiltrate every single part of our lives. How we relate to our partners, our spouses, friends, family, colleagues, strangers, the environment, animals, and ourselves, affects our lives in some way, shape, or form. Basically, relationships are everything, and if we want to live the very best life we can, it’s important to know the ins and outs of cultivating healthy, meaningful relationships.

This week, I want to talk about what I think is one of the biggest obstacles to healthy relationships: codependency.

A codependent person is someone who is fully reliant (in his or her actions, beliefs, opinions, and/or identity) on another person. Codependency can show up in a multitude of ways: romantic relationships, familial relationships, friendships, partnerships, and even in the teacher/student sphere.

Codependency leaves no one happy: not you, your loved ones, nor anyone around you.

Years ago, while maneuvering my way through an incredibly codependent romantic relationship, I was given the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Up until that moment, I had never labeled myself as a codependent. I thought the term strictly defined people in dysfunctional relationships with an addict.

I thought I was someone who was loving, loyal, and willing to do whatever it took to make my relationship work (and I was miserable, by the way). While reading the book, I felt like the author was speaking straight to me, telling me what I needed to hear, and helping me to identify how to break these tendencies and ultimately be happy in my relationships.

Identifying the problem, and becoming aware of your own actions is always the first major step towards creating healthy change. If you are unclear if you’re displaying codependent tendencies in your relationships, I’ve put together a list of some signs to look out for:

― Putting the other person’s needs above your own

― Feeling like you cannot live without a person

― Relying your happiness on someone or something else

― People pleasing to an extreme level

― Having rigid expectations of what you think will make you happy

― Losing your sense of boundaries and what you will and will not tolerate

― Participating in things that go against your best interest

― Ignoring your intuition or advice of loved ones

― Feeling stuck, trapped, or unclear how to make a change

― Loss of your own sense of identity and desires

If any of these signs touched a nerve for you, fear not. Like I said before, the very first step to solving a problem is identifying it. If you’re wanting to dissolve the codependent behaviors, I’ve also created a short list of action items to get you on your way:

― Begin a daily meditation/mindfulness practice that works for you

― Establish a strong, centered relationship with yourself

― Learn how to take care of yourself first

― Get clear on what you want in your life

― Cultivate a sense of self-confidence and self-worth to believe you are worthy of your desires

― Get clear on your boundaries: what you will and will not tolerate

― Seek professional assistance when necessary

I hope these lists help you on your way to dissolving any codependent behaviors you may be facing. I want you to know that it is not shameful to feel this way, I’m pretty confident we have all felt these feelings at one point or another.

I also want you to remember that you are all worthy of wonderful, loving, supportive relationships. When we take the time to clean up our sides of the street, we create the space for an amazing relationship to enter our lives. I would love to hear your thoughts or experiences with codependency, please share with us in the comments below.

xo, Michelle

The post Breaking This Pattern Changed My Relationships appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.

My #1 Reminder to Help Relieve Anxiety

Hi my friends,

There’s something really beautiful about being able to connect, share, and forge relationships with almost anyone in the world, through the wonder that is technology! I really, really love that I am able to write every week in this space, and you can read it from wherever you are, and you can feel the energy in my words and hopefully find some sort of relief from the topics discussed.

I love hearing feedback and comments from you all, but of course, there will be times when we disagree. I recently had an experience where I shared something on social media, something that felt true and inspiring to who I am, and I got a few comments from people who disagreed, and they really let me know. Some not so nice words were thrown at me, and for a minute I froze, I questioned myself, I felt a bit anxious, my heart started beating faster, and I had to pause.

Why was I feeling this way? I’m generally not an anxious person, but I felt a rush of anxiety in this moment. Certainly I know that not everyone is going to agree with my views, and that’s completely ok. So, what was it?

When I went a bit deeper with myself I unearthed that I had this underlying belief that I had to be everything, to everyone. What?! As crazy as this sounds, the people pleaser in me just wants to be liked and really dislikes criticism and confrontation.

Can any of you relate?

The second I remembered that I do not have to be everything to everyone, it immediately calmed my nerves and brought myself back to a semblance of peace. What a relief! I can be me, you can dislike it, and that’s totally okay!

So what does this mean exactly? It means that you don’t have to have everybody like you to be a valid, worthy, and loved human being. You don’t have to stress yourself out trying “do it all” in order to be successful. You don’t have to save the world by yourself. You don’t have to be a superhero.

All you really have to do is to continue to show up every day, in your authentic truth, whatever that may mean to you. All you have to do is be kind and compassionate. All you have to do is notice and be aware of what lights you up and follow that. All you really have to do is be, the rest truly is just details.

So the next time an inexplainable bout of stress or anxiety comes your way. Ask yourself if you’re trying to live up to the unattainable expectations of pleasing everyone and of being everything to everyone…and then take a deep breath, and let yourself off the hook. By simply doing what’s true for you, you’re always doing enough.

xo, Michelle

The post My #1 Reminder to Help Relieve Anxiety appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.

The Surprising Lesson I Learned After a Friendship Breakup

My dear friends,

Last year I went through a pretty difficult break-up, with one of my best friends. Break-ups are hard, no matter the circumstance, but this one really stung, and to make matters worse, I never really fully understood why we had a falling out (I was completely ghosted).

Like with any break in a close relationship, you go through all the possible feelings. The anger, the doubt, the guilt, the sadness, the regret, and then finally, the acceptance. I found acceptance in the fact that a relationship that I valued so much, is no longer, but truthfully, it’s been a long journey.

The interesting thing about feeling really grounded in acceptance, is that life tends to present you a lesson, to really see just how settled you are with it.

Recently, I was in a social setting, where someone who I didn’t know, randomly, and completely unprompted, starting raving about my former friend. I stood there, stunned, and listened. I heard how well she’s doing, how inspiring she is, and how incredibly kind she was to this person. And, let me tell you, I didn’t like it one bit.

It was so hard to swallow, I didn’t love to hear just how well this person, who hurt me so deeply, was doing in her life. I wanted so badly to interject the “if you really know the whole story” thing, but I just kept my mouth shut, and let out a controlled, “wow, that’s really nice” in response.

Inside, I was a mess. I was rattled and disappointed, and I really had to sit with myself and figure out why I was so upside down that this person’s success made me feel this way.  Did I want her to fail? To not be okay? To be a mess without me in her life? Truthfully, initially, yes. (Not proud to admit that).

I really didn’t like putting so much energy towards hoping someone would fail, which is exactly the surprising lesson I learned, in this moment, about friends and break-ups.

Just because a relationship didn’t work out for you, and your energy, and your life, doesn’t mean that person has to fail in other relationships, and in life, moving forward. I realized this, it does me no good, to harbor ill will, towards someone who has no representation in my life. And truthfully, don’t we all, deep down want people to succeed? And to be kind? And to be liked? Don’t we want society to be good? Even if it means rooting for people who have wronged us (from afar)?

The world is hard enough, cruel enough, difficult enough as it is, for us to be wishing for other people’s failures. In fact, I started to think, if everyone wished ill will on someone from their past, we all would be cursing each other for eternity, and I just don’t think we need that in this day and age.

My lesson from this was simple. I can honor my former friend’s accomplishments, achievements, and successes, from a distance. I can let the feelings move through me and I can find happiness when someone else is doing good in the world, even if that means that person isn’t doing good by me. Because it’s 2020, and we all know that toxic negativity is ever present, and if we all can find some space in our hearts to root for all of us, we might feel, and be a bit better and happier.

Here’s to all of us rooting for each other.

xo, Michelle

The post The Surprising Lesson I Learned After a Friendship Breakup appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.