Barbara Schmidt's Blog, page 5

A Gentle Reminder About Relationships

Dear friends,

I have a feeling this week’s blog topic will resonate with many of you. I was recently reflecting on life and change and the feelings that come along with it. I had a bit of an epiphany while sorting through my feelings and wanted to share with you all.

If you’re reading this blog, I know that you care about personal development and living an aligned, peaceful life. You want to work on yourself and make yourself “better”. What I’ve noticed lately within myself is that, in my quest for personal development I tend to hold myself to perfectionistic standards, oftentimes leaving very little room for grace or nuance.

Can you relate?

What I wanted to share with you this week, is a gentle reminder to let yourself off the hook for being perfect in an imperfect world. Which means, you are allowed to have complicated feelings about complicated situations.

As you may have noticed, I’ve had a lot of intense, personal changes happening in my life over the past year. And as I’ve been doing my best to manage my emotions, be mindful of my actions, and heal from deep hurt and disappointment, I am not perfect.

I’ve noticed the swing from feeling angry to sad, disappointed to hopeful, and bitter to forgiving.

For so long I felt that I had to hold myself to a straight line of feeling; that I had to pick a lane and stick to it; that I couldn’t veer off course. And that is what I wish to remind you of this week: that life is not linear, it is not a straight line to healing and resolution.

We are allowed to have complicated feelings, wavering feelings, changing feelings in a complicated, wavering, and ever changing world. Life is not black and white, as much as we’d like for it to be that way. Life is gray, and somehow we have to find a way to live life in that middle path where we can find grace, acceptance, and understanding for our own humanity.

If you’re someone who is healing and reeling from life’s challenges and difficulties, I invite you to join me in going easy on yourself and your feelings that arise during this time. You do not have to maneuver through life perfectly, and trying to do so will only bring us more heartache and disappointment.

All we can do each day is show up as our best, most aligned selves, take our best, most aligned actions, and know that life is messy, and that’s okay.

xo, Michelle

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3 Boundaries I’m Setting For Self-Care

My dear friends,

As you all know, we commonly converse here on the blog about the topic of self-care, and some of the most effective practices we can incorporate into our lives to help us feel more grounded, centered, and at peace. One of my absolute favorite practices of real self-care is setting healthy, aligned boundaries.

For so many of us, the concept of boundary setting is still a tough one to grasp. It is commonly engrained in us to spend our energy solely caring for the people around us, and that is is selfish to place that care back upon ourselves. It’s crucial that we begin to chip away at those beliefs and mistruths, because as we know, when we care for ourselves we are able to show up and care for others in a much more meaningful, impactful way.

It’s also important to remember that setting boundaries is not an act of punishment or something to be viewed negatively. Setting boundaries is the most loving act we can do for ourselves, and for our relationships.

Because I know so many of us struggle to even know where to start in setting boundaries, this week I wanted to share with you three simple, meaningful boundaries that I have been relying on lately that have served me well in my own journey of self-love and self-care.

As always, use these suggestions as a guide map towards discovering boundaries that help you feel empowered and cared for, from the inside out. Self-care is not a one-size-fits-all act, and our needs, wishes, and desires are unique to all of us. Take these boundaries and mold them to suit your life and your needs.

Saying ‘no’ to anything that feels overwhelming, draining, or not in my own best interest. As a recovering people pleaser, I am used to constantly saying ‘yes’ to every invitation or collaboration. While constantly saying ‘yes’ may seem like the kindest answer, if you really mean to say ‘no’ you will start to breed resentment, anger, and regret for the commitments you have made. You are not obligated to say yes to things that aren’t in your best interest and are not a good use of your precious energy and time. Give yourself the permission to say no.Give yourself time and space to respond and react. I’ve found that there is so much power that comes with pause and reflection. It has commonly been a habit of mine to knee-jerk react and respond quickly to situations and circumstances. This often led to saying things that were out of alignment, or again committing myself to things that weren’t in my best interest. Now, when faced with decisions and invitations, I force myself to take a pause, even if I don’t find it to be truly necessary. I remind myself that I don’t always need to be immediately responsive to the outside world, and I remind myself that, when I take space to connect, I can find the most aligned answers.Allow yourself the time and space to do the things that bring you the most joy. I used to feel guilty for taking time for myself and doing the things that revive and restore me. I know now,  that I, too, am worthy of my own quality time, and can allow for it in my weekly schedule. This means scheduling time for myself, not being hard on myself for relaxing, or having an easy day, or even sleeping in if my body, and the time calls for it. By giving myself the permission to spend time for myself, I am letting myself know that I am a priority in my own life. This small shift has felt like such a powerful act of care and has greatly changed the relationship that I have with myself, and my usefulness for others is an added bonus.  Remember, you are your own best friend, treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love and care about deeply.

I hope these are helpful to you in your boundary setting journey! I would love to hear what healthy boundaries you all have been setting lately! Let me know in the comments!

xo, Michelle

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3 Reminders When Seeking Closure

My dear friends,

A common question I am asked from our community is how to move forward from feelings of being stuck in the past. Whenever I am asked to expound on this topic, it brings me a sense of odd comfort because I truly believe that it is a universal habit to hold on to things from the past.

For so long in my life, I’ve felt paralyzed by regret, remorse, and romanticizing my past. I’ve replayed stories over and over. I’ve wished that things unfolded differently and produced some sort of different outcome. I’ve prayed for closure, and hoped for the feeling that everything would be okay, even though it probably wasn’t. I’ve spent so much of my time and energy living in that space.

I’ve realized recently that much of this ruminating and wishing is energy and time not well spent. My quest for closure, and the tidying up of situations in my life, most likely is not possible. Not in the way I was imagining it to be, at least. I’ve realized that my energy could be better used and put towards healing in a more productive way. This mindset shift has changed so much of my life, and how I manage disappointment and loss.

As many of you know, this year has brought a great deal of change in my personal life. So much of what I knew to be my normal was flipped upside down. And while dizzying and confusing to put the pieces of life back into place, I often tried too hard to play investigator, to find the “why,” and to get the spoken and unspoken words that would make me feel at peace.

It has been during this year of change, that I came to terms with the fact that I may never get those words and actions that I desire. And I am completely okay with it. It is in this time that I realized that the peace that I was seeking externally wasn’t real. The only peace that I can create is the peace that comes from within through healing, acceptance, and letting go.

I know that this is a topic that effects so many of you, so I wanted to share my thoughts this week about closure. I think we all spend so much time chasing it and very rarely finding it. And my truth is that I don’t think it’s real, at least not in the way that we’ve dreamt of it being. I’ve found that closure isn’t receiving the apology, the confirmation, or the action that I desire because those things may never come. The closure we’ve been accustomed to looking for sets us up in a waiting game, a torturous limbo that leaves us feeling like a victim to our circumstances.

The closure that I seek now empowers me, and dwells in truth and reality. It is a deep acceptance of what has happened, a gentle openness to the feelings that come along with it, and the deeply rooted knowing of my worth and my value.

It is from the new vantage point that the quest for closure no longer matters because I know that I can find the answers and the acceptance from within. This has changed everything for me.

If you, too, can relate to these constant feelings of remorse or regret or even a yearning to rewrite the stories of your life, please know that you’re not alone. We all feel this way. Here are three simple reminders to keep in your back pocket when these feelings arise in your life:

You do not need someone else’s permission or approval to move on. So often we feel like we have to wait for the green light to heal and let go. This is that practice that keeps us stuck and gives away our power to the words and actions of other people. By doing the important and sometimes painful inner work of healing and feeling, we can give ourselves permission to move forward, in alignment with who we are and what we want.Failed or ended relationships don’t diminish your inherent worthiness of love and kindness. I used to think that I was really bad at relationships. I had quite a few painful friendship breakups when I was younger, and a handful of very difficult romantic relationships. I thought that because I had experienced so much rejection it signaled that I was broken or that something was wrong with me. Now I know that not all relationships are meant to last forever, some for seasons, some to provide important lessons, and some to play certain roles during certain chapters of our lives. One thing that we can be certain of in life is that everything is always changing. So knowing this to be true, how can we possibly expect our relationships to stay the same? If you are experiencing a loss of a deep relationship, be grateful for the love that existed, and know that you will find that love again, in a new, more aligned form.The relationship that you have with yourself is the most important relationship you can cultivate. None of us live on an island, and all of us need to have people in our lives, but so many of us spend so much time loving and nurturing the relationships in our lives, and rarely turn that attention and love inwards. Life becomes so much more enjoyable and aligned when we develop a loving, kind relationship with ourselves. If we want to feel confident, secure, and trusting of our places in this world, we have to start by becoming our own best friend. We have to treat ourselves like we would our dearest loved one, or even, how we would treat the small-child versions of ourselves. Start to notice how you treat yourself when you make mistakes, take note of how you talk to yourself on a daily basis, and regularly ask yourself of you needs and wants, and remember you are worthy of having them. You are worthy of the love that you so freely give to others.

I hope these reminders, and this reframe, helps any of you who are struggling with moving on from the past! I know it is not always easy, but with these tiny shifts, we can weather these storms with more grace and ease.

xo, Michelle

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6 Things to Remember When Hurting

Dear friends,

I share this week’s blog with the intention and deep knowing that for so many of us, life has been incredibly challenging over these past few years. Whether you are hurting from the events of the world, or having personal struggles, it is hard sometimes to see the light when the darkness can feel so dense.

So often we strive to completely eradicate the daily struggles of life, but, the more that I live life, the more I realize that difficulty is simply part of being human. It’s the other side of the coin. We have highs and lows and good times and bad times, and as soon as we can settle into this truth, the sooner we can release the desire to change it.

Difficult times and painful moments have a tendency of tricking us into believing that they will last forever. That we will always feel this way, and that there is no light on the other side. This week I want to offer some simple reminders for you if you feel that way. We all have been there, and we all need these gentle nudges to help us move through it.

These six reminders always bring me back to my peace, my confidence, in this truth that no feeling is final, and that this, too, shall pass. I hope they are helpful for you if you are in need of some extra love

1. Life is constantly changing. What you are experiencing now will not be forever. Feel whatever feelings are coming up for you, but don’t dwell in negativity.

2. All periods in life have purpose, and without the valleys, we would not appreciate the peaks. Contrast in life gives life meaning.

3. You can take back your power by remembering that your thoughts are constantly creating your reality. What do you choose to create?

4. No matter what, there is always a takeaway from every situation. Everything that life brings us is an opportunity to learn and grow.

5. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can in this very moment. Judging and being hard on yourself won’t make the pain go away any faster; it actually prolongs the suffering.

6. You are never alone. Don’t be afraid to speak up when things feel too hard. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak.

I would love to hear what you all rely on when times are tough. Let’s keep the inspiration going in the comments below!

xo, Michelle

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5 Affirmations to Help You Bloom in Spring

Dear friends,

With Daylight Savings time behind us, the light lingering a bit longer each day, Winter finally feels like it’s coming to a close, and we can start ushering in Spring. I love to recognize the seasonal shifts and noting the end of one chapter and the start of a new one.

New chapters in life can bring forth an array of emotions: excitement, optimism, and hope, but also at times, anxiety and uncertainty.

As many of you know, I love to use positive affirmations to help train my brain to think in a more productive, positive way, especially during times of transition.

This week, I wanted to share five of my favorite affirmations to use in this seasonal transition, to help us all bloom and thrive this Spring.

I am always in the right place at the right time.I gracefully release everything that is no longer serving me.I love my life and I trust my timing.I am worthy of my deepest desires; what I want is on it’s way to me.Show me how good it can get.

I hope these serve you in this new chapter! Let me know what affirmations are speaking to you this Spring!

xo, Michelle

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5 Reasons Why We Over-Explain

Dear friends,

This week, I want to talk about a nuance that I have noticed in my life, especially when it comes to relationships and my people-pleasing tendencies. For most of my life, I’ve felt that instinctual need to over-explain and justify my wants, needs, actions, and desires.

From my experience, over-explaining was always a way to make the other person feel better, to convince someone that my decisions or actions weren’t personal, or even to get approval on choices made. The truth is, over-explaining will never provide the comfort, reassurance, or positive reinforcement that we desire.

In reality, over-explaining just exhausts, drains, and confuses us.

If this dynamic resonates with you, know that you are not alone in feeling this way! This week, I’m sharing five common reasons we tend to over-explain, so that we can cultivate that keen awareness to creative positive change.

You have a past of being gaslit or people twisting your words. This can make you feel like you’re the problem, like you don’t remember what you said, and that you are the one who needs to over-extend to make things right. If you’ve been gaslit in your life, start now reaffirming your lived experiences and your self-knowing.You want to avoid judgment or being misunderstood. So much of my history with over-explaining stems from wanting to be liked and understood. Remember, the people in your life who are meant to be there, won’t require long explanations, they will accept you as you are.You are afraid to set healthy boundaries. As we know, boundary-setting can be a challenging practice in the beginning, but so rewarding when they are finally in place. It can be easy to fall into a pattern of over-explaining to avoid setting the boundaries we know deeply are needed. Look to see if there is a boundary you are avoiding.You don’t want to be wrong or blamed. Again, I deeply can relate to the extreme desire of avoiding being wrong. But the truth is, we all will be wrong, or even need to accept blame in life. And it is okay. Rather than avoiding the unavoidable, seek to cultivate that strong foundation from within, to know who you are and what you want, so that you can take aligned actions, every day. This will help you feel confident in your day-to-day interactions, and less likely feel the need to over-explain.You are seeking approval. We all want to feel the support and love from people in our lives. I think this is innate in all of us, but we should not need to convince people of our life’s path. Remember, we all have unique life experiences and circumstances, and the people in our lives may not fully understand what it’s like to be you. You don’t need other people’s approval to move forward in the life that you desire.

Remember, when we over-explain, we are seeking for ways to cope, you don’t have to justify your feelings, preferences, or desires. The more we can feel confident and secure in our lives and our choices, the less we will feel the need to over-explain.

xo, Michelle

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5 Tips for When You are Feeling Overwhelmed

Dear friends,

I recently received a memory notification on my phone from the start of the pandemic in 2020. I was flooded with emotions and feelings reliving that time, and subsequently what transpired from then until now. It’s hard to comprehend the time that has passed, what we’ve lived through, and somehow how we’ve managed to persevere in all aspects of our lives.

The past few years have been overwhelming, to say the least, but again, we persisted. During these intense moments in time, I like to remind myself that I’ve made it through 100% of my worst days, and that’s a pretty good stat to hold.

Those bad, overwhelming, uncomfortable life moments make us feel like there is no way out or though, but it’s my job to help you find some tangible, practical ways to maneuver through it, to make it feel maybe a teensy bit easier, and to help you to see the bigger picture of it all; the light at the end of the darkness.

This week, I wanted to put forth some tips for managing the undoubted overwhelm that will come your way, at one point or another. Overwhelm tends to bubble to the surface when there’s too much energy and information, and not enough stillness to process and proceed.

It is my hope and intention for you all this week to quell the feelings of overwhelm so that you can be a steady pillar of strength and trust, as we move through life.

1. Carve out some time for silence and stillness. It is in these moments that we can see and hear clearly. That we can know what’s true for us, that we can understand the actions to take, and that we can cultivate the strength and bravery to take the next step.

2. Cultivate positive self-talk. I know this sounds cliche, especially at this time in life, but I urge you to hear me out! It’s even more important now to be your very own cheerleader. Remind yourself of your capabilities, that you can handle so much, that you already have handled so much, that you are always stronger than you think. In these make or break moments, we tend to flounder when our minds give up on ourselves. Give yourself the leg up, and train your brain to be your best advocate in these times.

3. Remember that you don’t have to have it all together. I keep telling myself that, there is no guidebook for maneuvering through life. And it’s true. We all have unique paths, with unique circumstances, no one else knows what it’s like to be us, so why would we ever expect to be perfect and maneuvering through it! It’s okay if you’re a mess, we are all a mess! It’s okay if you mess up, we all will Release the need to be everything, and focus on one thing, and then the next thing. You can do this!

4. Make your tasks manageable. In times of uncertainty and change, it always feels like there’s so much to do and not enough time. That frantic energy of scarcity and lack makes us feel worse than we already do. Make a schedule for yourself if that gives you peace of mind. Dole out tasks for each day. Give yourself bite size chunks so that tasks feel easier to swallow. Life doesn’t ask for us to be superheroes every day, it’s just asking for us to be human, and to remember our humanity. We can’t do it all and be it all, all it once. But we can get a lot done when we know ourselves enough to give us the tasks in a manageable way.

5. Be a source of strength for others. Sometimes we get wrapped up in our own dramas and we feel like there’s nothing we can do. One of the biggest sources of energy and strength for me at this time is being of service to those in my personal life and in my community. Reach out to a friend who might be having a hard time and offer an ear. Offer to bring over some groceries to someone who might not have the time to make the stop. Get creative with how you can be helpful. When we reach out to those we care about, we are also reaching back in to care for our souls. I do truly believe that we are all in this together, and so when one of us thrives, we all will thrive. We can be that source of love and happiness for one another.

Remember that we are all just doing the best we can with what we’ve been given. Remember to be kind, be patient, and understanding with others. Be compassionate towards those around you, but also for yourself. Remember your strength and resilience, and know that it will take you far.

xo, Michelle

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A Powerful Practice to Shift Your Relationships

Dear friends,

I recently was talking to a friend about relationships, and just how complicated they can be. Friends, family, romantic, colleagues, and even interacting with strangers on the street, so much of our lives is impacted by our relationships with others.

What I wish to share this week is my insight into a practice that can help us all grow, learn, change and heal: listening. I know that inherently, we know the power of listening. We were taught to listen as young children and it’s something that deep down, we understand the significance. What I hope explore with you today, is why, at this moment in time, deep, concentrated listening can help us to move through and process these difficult times with grace and understanding.

When we listen, with open hearts and open minds we can…

…start to understand new perspectives and life paths

…heal deep wounds through shared experiences

…release old judgments and toxic thought patterns

…learn new ways of thinking

…connect with people in a deeper, more meaningful way

…cultivate a sense of compassion, empathy, and understanding

…know where to take action, change behaviors, and foster healing and growth

In our fast-paced, multitasking world, we often don’t take the time to really connect and listen. This week, I encourage all of you to be present in conversation, so that you can fully take in the information being shared with you. We all truly just want to be heard and seen. There’s a power to your presence, and I hope you remember that!

We all wonder what we can do to make positive impact in the world, and it’s my belief that when we listen, we create change.

xo, Michelle

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My Favorite Lesson I’ve Learned In 2023 So Far

Dear friends,

We are officially in the third month of 2023, and much has transpired in my life these past three short months. We never know what a new year will hold for us. Of course, we always have high hopes and dreams, but as the newness wears off, and the monotony of regular life settles in, life brings forth opportunities for growth and change.

In these three short months, a common thread has started to appear in my life. It’s a lesson needing to be learned and an opportunity to challenge my life’s perspective.

For most of my life, I made it my mission to be liked and accepted. I am a people pleaser at heart. I really dislike confrontation and awkward tension. I rarely like to rock the boat, and I am so unbelievably uncomfortable when someone is mad at me.

But as we know, life presents us things that we might not love, to teach us how to gracefully handle them, and maybe not be so afraid of them any more.

Quite truthfully, I’ve experienced a fair share of sad, difficult circumstances in my personal life lately. Things have happened that I never could have expected, and to my surprise, I find myself no longer wanting to people please. I’m no longer willing to brush things under the rug to keep a (toxic) peace, I’d actually rather be aligned with myself, my life, and my truth.

When people are used to you constantly trying to please them, a sudden stop is a quite noticeable shift, and it’s not a pleasant one. But the benefits of standing up for yourself, what you believe in, and not catering to the demands and pressures of those you once aimed to please far surpass the surface-level pats on the back for doing a “job well done.”

The lesson that I’ve learned in all of this, and the mantra that seems to be constantly repeating itself in my mind is this: it’s okay to be the villain in someone else’s story. Because this is how I’ve felt, every single time I’ve had to go against my grain and act differently. I feel like the villain, which is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world, but somehow, this mantra pops into my mind, and I remember that it’s okay. Because I have to be.

To be clear, because I wouldn’t want anyone to misinterpret what I mean by all of this, being the “villain in someone’s story” doesn’t mean being cruel or harmful. It’s not an invitation for bad behavior.

It means, it’s okay to disappoint someone else by standing up for yourself. It’s okay to set boundaries in relationships that no longer feel supportive and loving. It’s okay to speak your truth, even when you know that the receiving end won’t like it. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to cease communication, and it’s okay to regard yourself with so much respect that you are no longer willing to tolerate parts of life that drag you down or dim your light.

It’s okay to be the villain in someone else’s story, if it means that you finally become the hero of your own.

So when I start to feel anxious, guilty, or uneasy about something I’ve said or done, in the name of honoring myself, I remind myself that it’s okay, and this really helps me to find peace when it feels turbulent.

xo, Michelle

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It’s Not Rejection, It’s Redirection

Dear friends,

One of my deepest-seeded and longest standing fears is rejection. I imagine some of you can relate.

Through all of my inner work, therapy, and self-reflection,  the one lesson that is always hard for me to move through is when I’ve been rejected (or felt as though I were rejected). I recently was in a situation where I felt rejected, and it brought up so many ugly thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I thought I had put to rest long ago. But as Pema Chodron so masterfully says, “Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” And so, I stayed open to learning what rejection had to teach me this time around.

As we know, life is what we make it, and how we perceive it. We may not be able to control what happens externally, but we can control our reactions to it. In this situation, I decided it was finally time to reframe how I view rejection. What if being “rejected” is just simply a means for me to be redirected to something better? How much better does that feel to think of it this way? It helped me out, for sure. Here are some other helpful things to remember when you’re feeling rejected, I hope they help!

– Remember, it’s always this or something better. If you’re rejected from something, you’re being directed to something else. Stay positive and keep the faith that the good will come.
– Remember, nothing anyone ever does or says is ever because of you. If you’re feeling rejected from a particular person, take comfort in knowing their actions towards you have nothing to do with who you are or your self-worth.
– Remember, that sometimes not getting what we want is the greatest stroke of luck. Sometimes, we think we know best, but in honesty, we can never know the full story from all angles. Trust that life is supporting you and guiding you in the right direction.
– Remember, that even after all of this, if you’re still feeling down about not being accepted by a job, group, spouse, or friend, you are still amazingly capable, whole, and lovable. The right job, group, spouse, or friend will always show up when you fully remember and own this.

How do you handle rejection in your life? Have you ever had a situation where you were rejected from something only to be redirected from something even better? Let me know!

xo, Michelle

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