Kyle Michel Sullivan's Blog: https://www.myirishnovel.com/, page 251

If I only had a chin...

I've never had one. I've got one of those necks that starts at your chin and slopes in. Even pictures in high school, when I weighed 145 lbs, show me having that. I've always thought that if I do get plastic surgery, it'll be to have a firm, strong chin.

I'd love to have one like this guy's -- practically flat across the jaw line till it hits his throat. It might help me feel better about myself and my appearance. Make me look less like a terrorist.

That's what a co-worker said to me -- that I dress like a terrorist. I've never been the neatest dresser. I got lost in clothes for a couple years but then grew out of it so much, I did a 180. I've never looked as slick as I suppose I could. But it's never been that big a deal to me.

Unless someone snarks about it. Then it digs at me, for some reason. Settles into my sense of self and become one of the tools I use to beat up on myself when I'm down. I was born with some anomalies to my body structure that became more pronounced (at least, in my own mind) as I grew older, so anytime someone feels like they need to comment on my appearance, it only adds to that lack of inner self-worth.

This guy's Kirill Dowidoff, a model from Russia who's sculpted himself into near perfection. but he has the genes for it -- long limbs, clean muscles, body in proportion. It's absurd for me to compare myself to him, even to show how taut his chin is and sigh about mine. Even if I'd worked out 2 hours a day, every day, I'd never look like that. My DNA is totally different. But still...I do...and sigh at my own inadequacies.

It ain't just girls who have body issues.

Fighting myself

Okay...I'm using my old script, Iron Cross, as the basis for another script now called Killer Tiger...and I find myself getting lost in making it as good as I can. Now normally that's not a bad idea. Logic works well, even in movies...usually. However, tossing MMA in with Vampires isn't exactly on the same level as Shakespeare, nor does it need to make much sense so long as it works within the frame of the story.

I have 22 pages done...but was aiming for 30 by the end of today. Problem is, I got lost in working out the logic of the piece. Why does this happen? Would that really work that way? What is the flow of the story? Nonsense things that really won't matter. It took me over an hour to stop trying to answer those questions and return to the idea that things happen because they happen and screw the flow.

Now I'm bouncing around the idea of changing the title to Wrecker, which is a nickname given to the main character, Derek Tighe. Initially, Killer Tiger was the play on his name...but Wrecker works so much better. Guess I just talked myself into it.

Plus I have an idea for a nice little horror piece using The Loft as its basic structure. That's another script I wrote for someone else, who then turned on me when he found god. According to him, because I'm queer I should be executed. So this is almost like a fuck you to him. Once it's done, it'll be completely different -- no demon or ouija board in it, no suicides -- and all the characters will be American and cute, even though it's post-apocalyptic.

I'm doing this because I want to see if I can write a script that will fucking sell. Doesn't have to be perfect or brilliant, just interesting enough to get someone to buy it and make it. I need to know this, because I need a new path in my life. I want the fuck out of the job I have, and I don't want to shift to another job like it just to keep making the bills; that's been my whole life up till now. I want a new direction. Period. This is the only one I can see as a possibility, right now, short of getting SSI early. So...

Wow...at least al this got my mind off Bugzters.

Busy work...

I'm skimming through a script and cutting back on my overt directions in it while biding my time till next Saturday. My plan is to make something that can be done nice and cheap, with MMA in it and lots of fighting, and Iron Cross fits that. I did it partly for a guy who was a kickboxing champion and wanted a script to show off his abilities in acting and kickboxing. He was gonna be the Wonder Bread version of Jean-Claude Van Damme.

It was set in Manila and had action, comedy, suspense, redemption, death, violence, you name it. There was even a woman who was good at Savate (basically French kickboxing) who helped him...and flew off into the sunset with him. The lead was ridiculously heroic and taciturn, as he should be.

Well...I got him a solid draft...and he did nothing with it. At all. I already had the feeling he was a talker...and that's what he proved to be. So I backed away from he project.

Now I'm setting it in LA, with a sidebar in Seattle that won't need an actual trip there. It's going to have drug cartels, a hero who refuses to fight in MMA again because he killed a man, who's forced to do that, again, so the villainess can get revenge on him...and maybe even vampires. I have this funny feeling if I do something goofy like that, it'll get more attention.

I started working on the idea while I waited for my car to get done. Then got knocked on my ass when they told me I'll need $1800 in transmission work on top of the $300 for the oil pan. Overall, I'd be spending in repairs more than the car is work, Blue-book. But...I got to see the underside and both the mechanics showing me this were impressed with how rust-free it was. One guy joked he'd like to buy the car off me.

Can't be done, right now. I don't have the money for any more repairs, and if I sink that much into my car, I'll have to keep it a lot longer. Which kicks the idea of an HRV out the window, even if they don't show till Spring of next year.

Typical for me.

Canada shows some class

Too bad America didn't act this adult after 9/11...

I hate technology

Every time I turn around, I have to "update this" or "download that" in order to play videos or stream or do work or anything on my computer or my phone. I've been burning most of my work onto CD-Rs because I had them available and don't have the ready cash for another thumb drive. Now I need to upgrade Flash...even though I did it only last month. Another app bumps me off half the time, so it needs to be updated. WTF is going on? How the hell do you keep up with all the crap when there's only 24 hours in a day and you're working or sleeping for at least half of it?

This hasn't been a good day, at all...and tomorrow promises to be even worse. My car's water pump is loose and rattling and I have to get it fixed before the fan rips everything apart. And I'm damn near broke. Means digging into my tax fund.

At the same time, I'm close to quitting my job, I'm so upset. I got bawled out for trying to plan for a packing job because it's supposed to be top secret. No one said it was...but so what? The people I work for expect you to know what they're talking about when they don't spell anything out.

I'm tired. My head's going nuts. I'm not in the mood to do anything. Perfect place to be...back to whining.

I ought to start this post over, but I promised myself I'd never do that...dammit.

The man responsible for my demise...

I've seen all but a handful...and those are out of print or lost.

Chatter fills the air...

There's been lots of it about packing jobs in Chicago and LA and Germany and New England...but not one of them is concrete enough to do anything about. Which leaves me feeling jagged. I'd like to know what to expect and plan for, if I can, so I can figure out how to do the writing.

Like my trip to Hong Kong. It's a 16 hour journey, but it's more than likely my plane will have power outlets for me to plug in my laptop and write. So that may help me with the writing challenge. but everything else? Who knows?

So...today's the 22nd...and I have 8 more days before I can begin writing, officially. I don't want to get onto anything else and lose the contact I'm building with Bugzters...but I feel like a junky going through withdrawal. I wanna dig into someone's psyche using my laptop's keys. Now. NOW.

Psycho, Kyle, qu'est-ce que c'est?

Meet Michel Grasley...

He'll be the author of books like Bugzters, since I have another book I was thinking of writing geared at a younger audience -- Kid-Co. That one's about twin boys who've just started 7th grade and have to deal not only with a bully who takes their lunch money but an older sister who tries to swipe it, first; she makes them lunches to take instead of giving them the money mom left. I wrote it as a short script...that wound up being 30 pages long. It'd be funny. Well, as funny as I'm capable of.

Then there's The Lavender Curse, which is a goofy story about a cop about to make a big bust getting his mind switched with his less-than-beloved mother-in-laws just as she's about to compete in a senior lady beauty pageant. Freaky Friday for the geriatric set?

I got over my concerns about pseudonyms by posting the question on NaNoWriMo's Forum and got some very positive responses -- all saying yes to pen names and pointing out why. I think the one that convinced me pointed out it's a form of branding as well as a firewall for parents. So in, did I give.

I'm not sure what I'll do about stories like Place of Safety or The Golden Sea. The gears have started working on them...and I caught on to where GS wants to go. I thought it was going to be a story about redemption and forgiveness...and it's the exact opposite. The female lead is black and was widowed by a white cop. She's Christian and finally seeks the cop out to say she forgives him, but when she sees him, she can't. Because she looks into his eyes and sees nothing there. He'll do it, again.

What's funny is, it won't be a bleak book. The two leads will get their lives back in order once they let go of the past and face their respective demons. But it won't be sugar-coated.

Life isn't.

I hate to wait...

I have Bugzters pretty much outlined, to the point where I'm ready to start writing it. But I have to wait till November 1st, not because anybody's watching but because to do otherwise would be a complete cheat. And yes, I know, I'm almost cheating by using a script as the basis for the book. But reality is, a screenplay is only an outline of a novel.

Characters are but sketches of themselves, meant to inform an actor as to what they will portray in front of the camera...when they're willing to. All too often, lately, actors will ignore the meaning of a character and go their own happy way with whatever they "feel" at the moment. I've never thought of that as acting, just lazy self-indulgence.

Also, the settings are barely described, so there can be room for the input of the producer, director, cinematographer, production designer, and locations scouts. Granted, a screenwriter works out the dialogue best suited to the character throughout the story, but it's often tossed aside and reworked by the director and producer and actor.

Fact is, screenplays are the most impermanent form of writing, even less than an outline. Because what the film starts with is often completely different from what the initial writer envisioned. Consider this -- the romantic-comedy, Pretty Woman, was first written as a tragedy. And in Sunset Boulevard, the narrator tells of how one of his scripts started out being about Oakies in the dust bowl and wound up being set on a submarine in the Pacific.

I was told a story in film school by one professor about a writer who'd labored over a script for two years. He turned it in, was lavishly praised for it, paid well, and promptly forgotten about. He wasn't even invited to the premier. So he went to a showing of the film at a theater near his home, and walked out after seeing the first image. It was of the lead actor riding across an open plain, going from screen right to screen left...and the screenwriter had envisioned him as riding from left to right. Smart man that he was, he knew it would only be downhill from there.

Wish I was that smart.

I love it when the book takes over...

By that, I mean it takes on a life of its own. Sometimes it turns out to be a mess, like what happened with OT, but I'm beginning to think that only happens because I'm not really listening to the characters as they tell their stories. And looking back, Jake was getting flustered with everything that was going on, like he felt he had to keep adding more and more to keep me interested.

That's not to say what he brought in was wrong, some of it just detracted from his meaning. Now that I've got some distance from that, I can see how cluttered it had become. And how him telling me who the bad guy is was a way to try and simplify things. I'm amazed that I fought with him on it.

I'm hoping I've caught on and can keep that in mind with Bugzters, because it's started telling me what the story's really about, and wants me to add back in a character I cut to help clarify that. In my first draft of the screenplay, Alex had a brother named Drew, who was ill, and Alex blamed him as the reason for them moving. I was asked to cut that and focus on Alex, completely, in the script, with Taylor as his supporting friend. I did...and it was the wrong thing to do.

Then when we were doing the rewrites making BZ into an animated script, I was being pushed to get rid of Taylor, too. Combine her with Alex. By that point I'd learned my lesson and flat out refused. The reaction was not pretty. I'm lucky they're allowing me to do this as a book.

I thought for a bit about putting Drew back in the story...but I couldn't see how he'd fit, anymore. Until tonight. When the Bagh-star understand how much Alex hates moving from his friends, they try to fix things as a thank you to him. But it comes after he realizes his father is the reason for the move, so it's no longer necessary. The man is never satisfied with where he works and keeps thinking the next job will be a better one. What these moves do to his family is secondary in his thought process.

It's still going to take some finagling to work Drew in, but he's suddenly become essential to Alex's development as a person. It feels funny saying that about an 11 year-old boy. At that age, you're anything but developed. But sometimes you learn things about life that jolt you out of childhood.

Hmm...maybe I should stop referring to this as a children's story...