Kyle Michel Sullivan's Blog: https://www.myirishnovel.com/, page 253
October 7, 2014
They didn't even look at it...
Worked my ass off all weekend to get Death Target (the title I decided on for Vengeance) in order and I did a damn good job...and they didn't even read it. I got one of those, "Thanks for sending this, but we already found something," notes. I didn't do this on my own; if it'd just been a notice posted on InkTip or ISA or Mandy, I'd have ignored it. But I was told they wanted to look at the script on Monday. So I got them the script on Monday. And got less than nothing in return.
It's a good script. Damn fucking good. I don't always feel that way about my work, but this time there's no question in my mind, so I know they didn't turn it down because it was poorly written or plotted. And no question in my mind it could have been done for a million in Morocco while still looking like it cost ten times more. But what can you do when they won't even consider your work? My writing could be on the same level as Shakespeare's and it wouldn't do me a damn bit of good.
That, in and of itself was hard to take, but this evening I finally got hold of someone at the Riverside County Sheriff's Office to discuss the ins and outs of Indio's county jail, and that kicked one subplot and two chapters of OT out the window. I still need to find someone in the DA's office to talk with about other aspects of the story, but as of now...
...As of now, I'm taking a break from writing. I can't handle this shit and deal with traveling to Seattle and handling family crap and being told at least once a day that I did something the wrong way, at work. Not that what I did wasn't correct; I just didn't do it the way they wanted.
Warning, warning...nice, big crash and burn en route to my psyche; take cover.
It's a good script. Damn fucking good. I don't always feel that way about my work, but this time there's no question in my mind, so I know they didn't turn it down because it was poorly written or plotted. And no question in my mind it could have been done for a million in Morocco while still looking like it cost ten times more. But what can you do when they won't even consider your work? My writing could be on the same level as Shakespeare's and it wouldn't do me a damn bit of good.
That, in and of itself was hard to take, but this evening I finally got hold of someone at the Riverside County Sheriff's Office to discuss the ins and outs of Indio's county jail, and that kicked one subplot and two chapters of OT out the window. I still need to find someone in the DA's office to talk with about other aspects of the story, but as of now...
...As of now, I'm taking a break from writing. I can't handle this shit and deal with traveling to Seattle and handling family crap and being told at least once a day that I did something the wrong way, at work. Not that what I did wasn't correct; I just didn't do it the way they wanted.
Warning, warning...nice, big crash and burn en route to my psyche; take cover.
October 6, 2014
The first 4 pages of "Vengeance"...or maybe, "Target For Death"...
FADE IN:
EXT. FRENCH VILLA - DAY
Large, well-kept, near the Mediterranean. An SUV waits in the driveway, another SUV behind it. A stocky man in a sharp suit, LEGRIS, waits with heavily-armed POLICEMEN.
A solid brick of a POLICE CHAUFFEUR exits the house, followed by GEORGES BASSIR, 50, well-dressed.
BASSIR
(in French)
Irina, come! We’re late.
A stylish woman -- IRINA, 50 -- strides out, smiling.
IRINA
(in French)
Jean-Pay is already a day late, and when is the train ever on time?
A lovely young woman follows her -- LANA. She toys with a wedding ring on her finger.
LANA
(in French)
It will be, today. But Jean won’t care.
BASSIR
(in French)
Still loves his bride, eh? Wait till he’s married as long as me.
IRINA
Georges!
He kisses her, gets in the front passenger seat; the women are in the back. Legris and his cops get in their vehicle.
CHAUFFEUR
(to cops, in French)
Try to keep up.
IRINA
(in French)
No need to rush.
They drive off, Legris and his cops leading.
EXT. FRENCH HILLSIDE - DAY
A powerful, SCARRED MAN lies under a bush. Watches the villa through binoculars. He sends a text on his mobile.
The text shows on a mobile phone -- “he in back car.”
Just down the hill, LEGION, a trim Russian in his 30s, puts the phone away, turns on a small gray drone. Sends it flying.
EXT. FRENCH VILLA - DAY
The SUVs whip through an electronic gate onto a winding road.
Another POLICEMAN waves them past.
IN BASSIR’S SUV
He motions back to the guard.
BASSIR
(in French)
This is what you get for butting your nose into other people’s business.
CHAUFFEUR
(in French)
You were right to do it, Mr. Bassir. Mr. Legris would agree.
BASSIR
(in French)
I’m glad he thinks so. What about you, Lana? Do you think I’m a fool?
LANA
(in French)
I know you’re revered by your son, and his wife.
BASSIR
(in French)
Even though we must now live in a cage?
LANA
(in French)
It will not be forever.
BASSIR
(in French)
One hopes.
ON THE ROAD
They speed on.
The drone approaches behind Bassir’s SUV...gets closer and closer...
The Chauffeur notices it.
CHAUFFEUR
(in French)
What the -- !
He hits the horn -- BEEP -- BEEP --
IN THE LEAD SUV
Legris looks around and BOOM!
EXT. RURAL TRAIN DEPOT, FRANCE - DAY
Empty. The sound of the explosion echoes. A strong, goodlooking young man turns -- JEAN-PIERRE BASSIR -- JP. You can see his father in him. A duffel bag beside him. He sees smoke rise in the distance.
INT. MARSEILLE BAR - NIGHT
JP collapses on a table, drunk, wedding ring on his finger. SASHA -- big, blond, Russian, same age as him -- is almost as drunk.
SASHA
(Russian accent)
JP, come. Must -- home.
EXT. MARSEILLE BAR - NIGHT
Deserted. Dark. Sasha and Jean-Pierre half-carry each other to a nearby car. Both sing.
SASHA & JP
Ochi chyonye, ochi zhguchie,
ochi strastnye i prekrasnye,
kak lyublyu ya vas, kak boyus’ ya vas,
znat uvidel vas ya ne v dobryi chas.
JP stumbles on the words. Sasha laughs.
JP
(French accent)
Merde...fucking Russian...
SASHA
Careful. Is my mother language.
JP
(in French)
I have to pee.
(in English)
That’s French. Means I have to pee. That’s my language.
He stumbles into an alley. Sasha unlocks his car, continues to sing “Ochi chyornye.”
IN THE ALLEY
JP pees.
SCARRED MAN (O.S.)
Bassir.
JP
Oui?
SCARRED MAN
Pied Noir.
JP looks around, angry.
THE SCARRED MAN APPEARS FROM THE SHADOWS -- STABS HIM!
JP cries out -- jolts back -- falls.
SASHA (O.S.)
JP? Jean-Pierre?
JP sees blood on his hands. Smiles.
JP
(in French)
Finish it...asshole...
The Scarred Man starts for JP. Sasha runs over.
SASHA
JP!
JP
Sasha, non!
He tries to get up.
The Scarred Man slices his knife through Sasha’s throat!
JP kicks the man down -- fights him -- guts him with his own knife. Blood flies. JP pushes his body away, bleeding.
JP (CONT’D)
SASHA! ...Sasha...
He sees Sasha’s lifeless body. He passes out.
DISSOLVE TO
EXT. ASHRAQAT TECHNOLOGIES - DAY
A long low flat warehouse surrounded by open desert and two or three trees, near Casablanca. An expensive sedan parks by the entrance. YOUSEFF -- a youth-obsessed middle-aged man -- hops out. He strides to a door.
JP (O.S.)
Uncle Youseff.
JP leans against a new convertible. His hair is almost blond.
YOUSEFF
...Jean-Pierre!?
EXT. FRENCH VILLA - DAY
Large, well-kept, near the Mediterranean. An SUV waits in the driveway, another SUV behind it. A stocky man in a sharp suit, LEGRIS, waits with heavily-armed POLICEMEN.
A solid brick of a POLICE CHAUFFEUR exits the house, followed by GEORGES BASSIR, 50, well-dressed.
BASSIR
(in French)
Irina, come! We’re late.
A stylish woman -- IRINA, 50 -- strides out, smiling.
IRINA
(in French)
Jean-Pay is already a day late, and when is the train ever on time?
A lovely young woman follows her -- LANA. She toys with a wedding ring on her finger.
LANA
(in French)
It will be, today. But Jean won’t care.
BASSIR
(in French)
Still loves his bride, eh? Wait till he’s married as long as me.
IRINA
Georges!
He kisses her, gets in the front passenger seat; the women are in the back. Legris and his cops get in their vehicle.
CHAUFFEUR
(to cops, in French)
Try to keep up.
IRINA
(in French)
No need to rush.
They drive off, Legris and his cops leading.
EXT. FRENCH HILLSIDE - DAY
A powerful, SCARRED MAN lies under a bush. Watches the villa through binoculars. He sends a text on his mobile.
The text shows on a mobile phone -- “he in back car.”
Just down the hill, LEGION, a trim Russian in his 30s, puts the phone away, turns on a small gray drone. Sends it flying.
EXT. FRENCH VILLA - DAY
The SUVs whip through an electronic gate onto a winding road.
Another POLICEMAN waves them past.
IN BASSIR’S SUV
He motions back to the guard.
BASSIR
(in French)
This is what you get for butting your nose into other people’s business.
CHAUFFEUR
(in French)
You were right to do it, Mr. Bassir. Mr. Legris would agree.
BASSIR
(in French)
I’m glad he thinks so. What about you, Lana? Do you think I’m a fool?
LANA
(in French)
I know you’re revered by your son, and his wife.
BASSIR
(in French)
Even though we must now live in a cage?
LANA
(in French)
It will not be forever.
BASSIR
(in French)
One hopes.
ON THE ROAD
They speed on.
The drone approaches behind Bassir’s SUV...gets closer and closer...
The Chauffeur notices it.
CHAUFFEUR
(in French)
What the -- !
He hits the horn -- BEEP -- BEEP --
IN THE LEAD SUV
Legris looks around and BOOM!
EXT. RURAL TRAIN DEPOT, FRANCE - DAY
Empty. The sound of the explosion echoes. A strong, goodlooking young man turns -- JEAN-PIERRE BASSIR -- JP. You can see his father in him. A duffel bag beside him. He sees smoke rise in the distance.
INT. MARSEILLE BAR - NIGHT
JP collapses on a table, drunk, wedding ring on his finger. SASHA -- big, blond, Russian, same age as him -- is almost as drunk.
SASHA
(Russian accent)
JP, come. Must -- home.
EXT. MARSEILLE BAR - NIGHT
Deserted. Dark. Sasha and Jean-Pierre half-carry each other to a nearby car. Both sing.
SASHA & JP
Ochi chyonye, ochi zhguchie,
ochi strastnye i prekrasnye,
kak lyublyu ya vas, kak boyus’ ya vas,
znat uvidel vas ya ne v dobryi chas.
JP stumbles on the words. Sasha laughs.
JP
(French accent)
Merde...fucking Russian...
SASHA
Careful. Is my mother language.
JP
(in French)
I have to pee.
(in English)
That’s French. Means I have to pee. That’s my language.
He stumbles into an alley. Sasha unlocks his car, continues to sing “Ochi chyornye.”
IN THE ALLEY
JP pees.
SCARRED MAN (O.S.)
Bassir.
JP
Oui?
SCARRED MAN
Pied Noir.
JP looks around, angry.
THE SCARRED MAN APPEARS FROM THE SHADOWS -- STABS HIM!
JP cries out -- jolts back -- falls.
SASHA (O.S.)
JP? Jean-Pierre?
JP sees blood on his hands. Smiles.
JP
(in French)
Finish it...asshole...
The Scarred Man starts for JP. Sasha runs over.
SASHA
JP!
JP
Sasha, non!
He tries to get up.
The Scarred Man slices his knife through Sasha’s throat!
JP kicks the man down -- fights him -- guts him with his own knife. Blood flies. JP pushes his body away, bleeding.
JP (CONT’D)
SASHA! ...Sasha...
He sees Sasha’s lifeless body. He passes out.
DISSOLVE TO
EXT. ASHRAQAT TECHNOLOGIES - DAY
A long low flat warehouse surrounded by open desert and two or three trees, near Casablanca. An expensive sedan parks by the entrance. YOUSEFF -- a youth-obsessed middle-aged man -- hops out. He strides to a door.
JP (O.S.)
Uncle Youseff.
JP leans against a new convertible. His hair is almost blond.
YOUSEFF
...Jean-Pierre!?
October 5, 2014
Sent that sucker off...
Spent the day going over Vengeance for inconsistencies and clarity and simplicity...and I found a number of spots that needed work, but it's still 100 pages. New possible title -- Target For Death.
Here are the main characters in my script's world --
Jean-Pierre Bassir, JP (his mother calls him Jean-Pay), the lead, 20s, French-Algerian, rugby player, newlywed. Knows Savate, a French form of martial art. He sets out on a course for revenge against the man he thinks had his family killed. He's suicidal so doesn't care if he dies, until he falls for Abrielle and realizes he may be after the wrong man.
Abrielle Charpin, 20, college student, has a head on her shoulders, sraight-forward, honest, housed in British public schools (private) for years so speaks with a British accent. She knows who her father is but as she says, "You don't get to choose your parents." Very protective of her brother, but vulnerable.
Paul Charpin, 40s, illegal arms dealer, brutal, run out of France by Legris. Now lives in Casablanca and has his business up and running through Spain instead of France. Protective of his children, but not nice about it.
Issam Charpin, 16, housed in British public schools (private) for years so speaks with a British accent, plays football (soccer) for an elite private school, smokes pot, been in rehab and insolent about it. His mother died in his arms when he was 13, uses drugs to escape.
Georges Bassir, 50, Genial bank officer who found his bank was laundering money for Charpin, went to Legris and the cops, got killed for it, along with his wife and new daughter-in-law. Probably was JP's best friend.
Antoine Legris, 40s, solid, hard, high in the French National Police, realistic enough to use his leverage to get rid of Charpin after Bassir is killed, since he can't put him in jail. Uses JP to get to Charpin, again.
Youseff al Masiri, brother of JP's mother, youth-and-money-obsessed, lives in Casablanca, knew Charpin in Marseilles but supposedly out of touch with him.
Lauren al Masiri, British, 40 and youth obsessed, has a thing for JP. Manipulative. Not the maternal type, at all.
Legion, Russian assassin out to kill somebody, question is, who?
I cut it down to 20 locations from 40, and kept JP's flashbacks more than I expected.
We'll see what they say...
Here are the main characters in my script's world --
Jean-Pierre Bassir, JP (his mother calls him Jean-Pay), the lead, 20s, French-Algerian, rugby player, newlywed. Knows Savate, a French form of martial art. He sets out on a course for revenge against the man he thinks had his family killed. He's suicidal so doesn't care if he dies, until he falls for Abrielle and realizes he may be after the wrong man.
Abrielle Charpin, 20, college student, has a head on her shoulders, sraight-forward, honest, housed in British public schools (private) for years so speaks with a British accent. She knows who her father is but as she says, "You don't get to choose your parents." Very protective of her brother, but vulnerable.
Paul Charpin, 40s, illegal arms dealer, brutal, run out of France by Legris. Now lives in Casablanca and has his business up and running through Spain instead of France. Protective of his children, but not nice about it.
Issam Charpin, 16, housed in British public schools (private) for years so speaks with a British accent, plays football (soccer) for an elite private school, smokes pot, been in rehab and insolent about it. His mother died in his arms when he was 13, uses drugs to escape.
Georges Bassir, 50, Genial bank officer who found his bank was laundering money for Charpin, went to Legris and the cops, got killed for it, along with his wife and new daughter-in-law. Probably was JP's best friend.
Antoine Legris, 40s, solid, hard, high in the French National Police, realistic enough to use his leverage to get rid of Charpin after Bassir is killed, since he can't put him in jail. Uses JP to get to Charpin, again.
Youseff al Masiri, brother of JP's mother, youth-and-money-obsessed, lives in Casablanca, knew Charpin in Marseilles but supposedly out of touch with him.
Lauren al Masiri, British, 40 and youth obsessed, has a thing for JP. Manipulative. Not the maternal type, at all.
Legion, Russian assassin out to kill somebody, question is, who?
I cut it down to 20 locations from 40, and kept JP's flashbacks more than I expected.
We'll see what they say...
October 4, 2014
Rewrite's done
Got it down to 100 pages, and may change the title to Marked For Death. I'm going to scan through it one more time to make sure I have everything in order and all the affiliated changes done...but it's a lot faster and cleaner.
I cut back on the number of locations, too. And I think Spain could substitute for France in the Marseille sequences, so long as the filmmakers are careful. That would be cheaper. There's still some jumping back and forth in time, though nowhere near as much in the Russian version of the script.
If anyone questions that, I can always say I'm trying for a Steven Soderberg style, like in Ocean's 11 and The Limey. I liked how that worked, and how lovely the moments were that it set up in The Good Soldier. And JP's breakdown works better with him being half French instead of full-blood Russian.
Guess we'll see how it goes...
I cut back on the number of locations, too. And I think Spain could substitute for France in the Marseille sequences, so long as the filmmakers are careful. That would be cheaper. There's still some jumping back and forth in time, though nowhere near as much in the Russian version of the script.
If anyone questions that, I can always say I'm trying for a Steven Soderberg style, like in Ocean's 11 and The Limey. I liked how that worked, and how lovely the moments were that it set up in The Good Soldier. And JP's breakdown works better with him being half French instead of full-blood Russian.
Guess we'll see how it goes...
October 3, 2014
Once you start...
...It's hard to stop. Now that I'm rearranging Kazn into Vengeance, I'm getting hit with ideas on how to make it leaner and cleaner. I dropped another sub-plot about money being stolen from people's bank accounts, using electronic transfers. That works better coming out of Russia than France or England. I also made one character British and another went back to being Russian.
Two others have been cut and I have a car bombing at the beginning that looks expensive but can be shot for very little. The big deal will be shooting some scenes in a villa outside Marseille, overlooking the Mediterranean. Nothing in Morocco looks like that; it's a lot flatter and mostly desert, so they'll have to do a couple days in France.
I did throw in one snarky bit where a guy comes up to customs to enter the country, and when he's asked why he's coming to Casablanca, he says, "For the waters. I came for the waters." I had to fight to keep from adding in, "But we're in the desert," and "I was misinformed." Truncated, but...
Well...need I say more?
Two others have been cut and I have a car bombing at the beginning that looks expensive but can be shot for very little. The big deal will be shooting some scenes in a villa outside Marseille, overlooking the Mediterranean. Nothing in Morocco looks like that; it's a lot flatter and mostly desert, so they'll have to do a couple days in France.
I did throw in one snarky bit where a guy comes up to customs to enter the country, and when he's asked why he's coming to Casablanca, he says, "For the waters. I came for the waters." I had to fight to keep from adding in, "But we're in the desert," and "I was misinformed." Truncated, but...
Well...need I say more?
October 2, 2014
Slashin' and a burnin'...
Wow...I've cut 11 pages out of KAZN and I'm only to page 46. But the clarity is better. I think. I hope. I guess I'll find out. I have until Monday to submit it, so that should give me sufficient time. Looks like this may be a hundred page script, not the 124 it was.
For a little while, I was afraid I'd have to travel down to NYC this weekend to pick up some artwork. Our usual guy down there was giving us fits about doing it under a certain timeframe, and a friend of mine who could do it is out of town, so I'd have been gone for 4 days. But it would've cost so damn much more, we're still pushing him to do it.
Normally I like to drive down the road to NYC, and this would be the perfect time of year to do it. But it'd mean probably pushing VENGEANCE too hard...and want this script to be as solid as possible. I've cut out a couple of high-ticket moments so I can focus on the important one -- a fight on a boat in the harbor in the dark. If I work this moment right, the audience will think the hero is really going to die...because I've been hinting throughout the script that's what he wants.
One problem is, I'm not sure how restrictive Morocco is about men and women partying together or meeting at coffee shops, and don't have time to do any real in-depth research. I just know much of Northern Africa and the MidEast have become more hard-assed about such things...so my characters may be too liberal for them. To some Muslims, a woman caught just talking to a man who is not her husband is cause for a hundred lashes -- on her. Not him; like most religions, it's all "boys will be boys and women are whores."
I think the world would be a lot better if it was the other way around.
For a little while, I was afraid I'd have to travel down to NYC this weekend to pick up some artwork. Our usual guy down there was giving us fits about doing it under a certain timeframe, and a friend of mine who could do it is out of town, so I'd have been gone for 4 days. But it would've cost so damn much more, we're still pushing him to do it.
Normally I like to drive down the road to NYC, and this would be the perfect time of year to do it. But it'd mean probably pushing VENGEANCE too hard...and want this script to be as solid as possible. I've cut out a couple of high-ticket moments so I can focus on the important one -- a fight on a boat in the harbor in the dark. If I work this moment right, the audience will think the hero is really going to die...because I've been hinting throughout the script that's what he wants.
One problem is, I'm not sure how restrictive Morocco is about men and women partying together or meeting at coffee shops, and don't have time to do any real in-depth research. I just know much of Northern Africa and the MidEast have become more hard-assed about such things...so my characters may be too liberal for them. To some Muslims, a woman caught just talking to a man who is not her husband is cause for a hundred lashes -- on her. Not him; like most religions, it's all "boys will be boys and women are whores."
I think the world would be a lot better if it was the other way around.
October 1, 2014
Out-clevered...
Sometimes I out-clever myself and get into trouble. That synopsis I sent out...thinking I wouldn't hear back for a few days...or weeks? They already want to see the script. So now I'm in the middle of a frantic rewrite. Which isn't proving to be all that hard, just time-consuming. Because it means changing names and locations and characters, in some cases, which means changing actions.
But the fact is, I'm clearing out a lot of things I'd tried with KAZN -- non-linear structure, telling a third of the story in flashbacks that informed on the current situation, that sort of stuff. This is going to be fairly mainstream and straightforward...and cheaper to shoot.
I'm keeping just the bedrock of the story -- that JP is being used to kill a man he thinks killed his family for reasons he doesn't come to see until he almost does exactly that. At the same time, VENGEANCE is going to be very different from the original. LA and Malibu became near characters in that one. This one, I'm thinking on my feet and coming up with solutions that surprise me.
Like using a drone to spy on people. One of the wonders of our brave new world.
This may prove to be fun...
But the fact is, I'm clearing out a lot of things I'd tried with KAZN -- non-linear structure, telling a third of the story in flashbacks that informed on the current situation, that sort of stuff. This is going to be fairly mainstream and straightforward...and cheaper to shoot.
I'm keeping just the bedrock of the story -- that JP is being used to kill a man he thinks killed his family for reasons he doesn't come to see until he almost does exactly that. At the same time, VENGEANCE is going to be very different from the original. LA and Malibu became near characters in that one. This one, I'm thinking on my feet and coming up with solutions that surprise me.
Like using a drone to spy on people. One of the wonders of our brave new world.This may prove to be fun...
September 30, 2014
Technical difficulties...
Today after work, I went to Verizon and got a new router, hoping it would make a difference in the number of times I get dropped or frozen out of Fios, and might make some radio streaming better. It did, to an extent. I can now stream programs off KCRW (tho' not their Eclectic 24, despite it playing fine via an app on my iPhone). But I've found while testing the new equipment out that I still have moments of...oh, let's just say, indecision from Fios.
If this wasn't also happening to the new computers we have at work (those use AT&T as their WiFi service), I'd say it's just the age of my computer. But obviously it's not. It's just the second-rate service offered by too many American companies...and not just the technical ones.
For example, I learned a while ago that when I buy new clothes, I need to try on everything. Even if I'm considering two pair of the same pants or shirts. Because invariably one will be a slightly different size from the other. I even had that happen with some Haines pocket tees that I bought online; all three fit me differently even though they were supposed to be the exact same size.
Same for pens and manila folders and phones and books and food and politicians -- you name it. There's minimal consistency in quality, anymore. In anything. Makes me nothing but wary.
Enough about that. The reason I reworked a story into a new location, yesterday, was a lead to someone who wanted a site-specific script. It would take me 2 days to shift KAZN from LA and Moscow to Marseilles and Casablanca. Might even make it better. It's over to them, now, so we'll see what happens...but if I ever get myself unstuck from OT, I may change it, anyway.
Guess one of my technical difficulties is, I'm addicted to writing screenplays...
If this wasn't also happening to the new computers we have at work (those use AT&T as their WiFi service), I'd say it's just the age of my computer. But obviously it's not. It's just the second-rate service offered by too many American companies...and not just the technical ones.
For example, I learned a while ago that when I buy new clothes, I need to try on everything. Even if I'm considering two pair of the same pants or shirts. Because invariably one will be a slightly different size from the other. I even had that happen with some Haines pocket tees that I bought online; all three fit me differently even though they were supposed to be the exact same size.
Same for pens and manila folders and phones and books and food and politicians -- you name it. There's minimal consistency in quality, anymore. In anything. Makes me nothing but wary.
Enough about that. The reason I reworked a story into a new location, yesterday, was a lead to someone who wanted a site-specific script. It would take me 2 days to shift KAZN from LA and Moscow to Marseilles and Casablanca. Might even make it better. It's over to them, now, so we'll see what happens...but if I ever get myself unstuck from OT, I may change it, anyway.
Guess one of my technical difficulties is, I'm addicted to writing screenplays...
September 29, 2014
Out with the old, in with the redone...
I spent the evening reworking a synopsis into a new script set in a whole new location. Here's what I came up with, now titled Vengeance (yes, it's a bland title, but it works for now)--
------------------------------
JEAN-PIERRE BASSIR, a young rugby player from Marseilles, sneaks into Morocco to find the man who murdered his parents and his wife. The elder Bassir was a bank manager who discovered his bank was laundering arms and drug money from Morocco, so he and Jean-Pierre's mother and wife were killed by a car bomb. Afterwards, JP (as his friends call him) careened towards suicide...until a man named LEGRIS told him who was behind the bombing. Now JP has no interest in merely ending his own life; he plans to destroy his father's murderer by having the man kill him and be held responsible for his death.
His focus is on PAUL CHARPIN, a notorious arms dealer he traced to an estate just outside Casablanca. Charpin's wife died years ago, leaving him with two children -- ABRIELLE, a lovely young woman now attending university, and ISSAM, who is under severe pressure to succeed at the Lycée Lyautey.
With the help of his mother's half brother, YOUSSEF, JP arranges to meet Abrielle and Issam; he wants them to unknowingly help him in his plan. But he falls in love with Abrielle and beings to wonder if his life may have meaning, again.
Before he can rearrange his plans, JP is almost killed in a gunfight, signaling Charpin knows who he is. So his fate is set. He uses Abrielle to get into Charpin's compound, plants evidence to suggest he was beaten and killed, there, and sets himself up to be taken prisoner.
But Youssef is on Charpin's side, and helps him not only capture JP but remove the evidence he left behind. Then JP is taken out on a boat into the Mediterranean to be tortured and killed.
After a vicious fight, he manages to escape and now plans to just kill Charpin. Only he finally begins to see clues that he's out to wreak vengeance on the wrong man...and realizes this is really a plot to kill not only Charpin but Abrielle and Issam and blame him...a realization that may be too late to save two innocent people from death.----------------
I used Frédéric Michalak as the idea for JP. He's an actual rugby player in France and was in their best calendar from a few years ago. I had to sell it when I was broke in SAT, but it brought in a nice dollar.
Quelle domage...
------------------------------
JEAN-PIERRE BASSIR, a young rugby player from Marseilles, sneaks into Morocco to find the man who murdered his parents and his wife. The elder Bassir was a bank manager who discovered his bank was laundering arms and drug money from Morocco, so he and Jean-Pierre's mother and wife were killed by a car bomb. Afterwards, JP (as his friends call him) careened towards suicide...until a man named LEGRIS told him who was behind the bombing. Now JP has no interest in merely ending his own life; he plans to destroy his father's murderer by having the man kill him and be held responsible for his death.
His focus is on PAUL CHARPIN, a notorious arms dealer he traced to an estate just outside Casablanca. Charpin's wife died years ago, leaving him with two children -- ABRIELLE, a lovely young woman now attending university, and ISSAM, who is under severe pressure to succeed at the Lycée Lyautey.
With the help of his mother's half brother, YOUSSEF, JP arranges to meet Abrielle and Issam; he wants them to unknowingly help him in his plan. But he falls in love with Abrielle and beings to wonder if his life may have meaning, again.
Before he can rearrange his plans, JP is almost killed in a gunfight, signaling Charpin knows who he is. So his fate is set. He uses Abrielle to get into Charpin's compound, plants evidence to suggest he was beaten and killed, there, and sets himself up to be taken prisoner.
But Youssef is on Charpin's side, and helps him not only capture JP but remove the evidence he left behind. Then JP is taken out on a boat into the Mediterranean to be tortured and killed.
After a vicious fight, he manages to escape and now plans to just kill Charpin. Only he finally begins to see clues that he's out to wreak vengeance on the wrong man...and realizes this is really a plot to kill not only Charpin but Abrielle and Issam and blame him...a realization that may be too late to save two innocent people from death.----------------
I used Frédéric Michalak as the idea for JP. He's an actual rugby player in France and was in their best calendar from a few years ago. I had to sell it when I was broke in SAT, but it brought in a nice dollar.Quelle domage...
September 28, 2014
New plans for OT...
Okay...I've started reworking the foundation of the story, and it's going to get a lot simpler. More compact. To start with, I've shoved the background exposition into a prologue that sketches out what happened prior to Jake's meeting with Mira in Paris. Probably 10 pages of yap-yap-yap cut to 1.5 pages. I can still reference details from then as we go along, but it makes the opening a lot cleaner, and if people want to find out more, they can read RIHC6.
I'm also shortening the time between when Owen vanishes and Jake goes looking for him. Three months now seems too long, especially after Owen having just been in a trial; Jake wouldn't wait more than a month to contact him to find out how things went, even if he is preoccupied with Tone's crap.
I'm keeping it in Palm Springs. Nothing else really works, including just not naming the city. Comes across as being too coy. So I've sent an e-mail off to the Riverside County DA's office to ask about how things are handled, now that their administration building is no more and they're 10 miles from the Larsen Justice Center. Same for the Riverside Sheriff's Department, that manages the Indio jail, part of which is also being torn down.
In an early draft, I had Jake being taken to the city of Riverside for a confrontation with the DA but shifted that to a DDA in Indio. Now it looks like it will be a mishmash of both...which actually works out better. They don't give him time to pee before he's hustled over to Philby's office, and it's rather hard to do when you're in a car going down a city street.
Who knows? By the time I'm done with this restructuring, my magnum opus a la Beethoven may wind up being a piano concerto a la Satie. Pleasant. Not bombastic. But not as rich and overpowering as the Ninth Symphony.
That'd be a switch...said Tolstoy as he spun in his grave (wondering how I had the nerve to bring him into this).
I'm also shortening the time between when Owen vanishes and Jake goes looking for him. Three months now seems too long, especially after Owen having just been in a trial; Jake wouldn't wait more than a month to contact him to find out how things went, even if he is preoccupied with Tone's crap.
I'm keeping it in Palm Springs. Nothing else really works, including just not naming the city. Comes across as being too coy. So I've sent an e-mail off to the Riverside County DA's office to ask about how things are handled, now that their administration building is no more and they're 10 miles from the Larsen Justice Center. Same for the Riverside Sheriff's Department, that manages the Indio jail, part of which is also being torn down.
In an early draft, I had Jake being taken to the city of Riverside for a confrontation with the DA but shifted that to a DDA in Indio. Now it looks like it will be a mishmash of both...which actually works out better. They don't give him time to pee before he's hustled over to Philby's office, and it's rather hard to do when you're in a car going down a city street.
Who knows? By the time I'm done with this restructuring, my magnum opus a la Beethoven may wind up being a piano concerto a la Satie. Pleasant. Not bombastic. But not as rich and overpowering as the Ninth Symphony.
That'd be a switch...said Tolstoy as he spun in his grave (wondering how I had the nerve to bring him into this).
