Heath L. Buckmaster's Blog, page 4

I Resolve.

Whew!

We're finally done with all those pesky holidays, and now we can get on with our lives. No more buying presents, wrapping them in secret (or having amazon.com wrap them for me), hiding them under a paganly decorated tree (thanks David!)… No more prepping for parties casual gatherings, spending crazy amounts of money on eggnog ingredients (and then just using the eggnog in the carton instead), honey baked hams (which sadly we did not even do this year), and mulling spices…

And no more cheery people walking around wishing you happy and merry and joyous things. Finally we can get back to our normal bitter selves who don't care a lick about anyone else but ourselves .

It's amazing how quickly it all passes. Christmas decorations and goodies are on the shelves before Halloween is over. We sort of just skip over Thanksgiving except for all the two-for-one turkey deals at the grocery store – but even those are just prepping you for Christmas dinner.

Now we're on to what next…Valentine's Day? Yeah – I've already seen bags of chocolate easter eggs in the store. I mean seriously…there should just be a "holiday" aisle in every store and you walk from one end to the other passing through every possible holiday there is in the year.

To your left you can pick up some chocolates in a box shaped like a heart, then reach to your right and grab an Easter basket filled with plastic grass. Take another step forward and get some fireworks for the 4th of July, and don't forget to pick up some President's Day / Columbus Day / MLKJ Day / and all the other days goodies on the other side of the aisle. Near the end of the aisle you'll find the pilgrim costumes next to the…well, pilgrim costumes, and then of course tree skirts.

It could work actually. You could get an entire year of holiday shopping done on one aisle. Imagine an IKEA Holiday Aisle. It would be, hands down the busiest aisle in the entire complex. You'd have to bring your entire family, each of them pushing a cart.

It's sad really. Just when we thought we were coming down from a triptophan high we are off to the next big thing. No wonder people don't care about holidays any more, there are too many of them. There should be one big holiday right at the end of the year – everyone gets a week off of work, all around the planet, and we celebrate every single possible holiday right then and there. Fireworks, parties, drinking and dancing in the streets, music and merriment, all around the world on the same day.

Dangit! I'm talking about New Years without even realizing it! Didn't we just finish Christmas???

Joyeux Noel!

Go Elf Yourself.

NaNo Insanity

This has been quite a November – I am trying to do too many things at one time and my writing has suffered. That is especially disappointing since November is the month I look forward to for NaNoWriMo.

Once again I powered through and achieved my goal, but nowhere near as quickly as I have in past years. My record so far is finishing in 8 days…this year it was nearly the full month. There were days that I didn't write a single word, and days when I wrote several thousand. But that's not what bothers me the most – what bothers me is that my story became absofreakingridiculous.

What started out as a really good idea – a "sub-story" based on a reference in another one of my books – turned into a ridiculous study on just how ridiculous I could make the story without it completely falling apart. This resulted in something that no one is ever going to read unless I pretty much completely re-do it. Ironically, I'm actually halfway pleased at how ridiculous the story is, but trying to translate that into something people will actually buy and read…that's a "whole nother story".

November has also been busy at work, but that's not what has really drawn me away – for that I blame Dragon Age: Origins.

It's my new game addiction – taking the place of Mass Effect 2, and Neverwinter Nights 2. Seriously I want to work as a writer for a gaming company some day in my fantasy life. The team of writers that put these epic adventures together…now that's the kind of writing I want to be able to do. Creating an entire world with rich characters whose lives intertwine in amazing ways; a choose your own adventure of sorts, where dialogue and reactions change as you make decisions in the plot. Frankly I don't know how they put something like that together.

But I'm sure enjoying playing it. And so again, my writing took a back seat, but I'm not sure I can honestly say that my writing has SUFFERED. If anything, I'm learning some interesting things about storytelling – from my game! I know that it's heavily influencing me because nearly every night I dream about my mage and his templar sharing an intimate moment in the camp before heading off to battle the next round of drakes, blood mages, and bandits.

Makes you wonder – should I try my hand at writing a sci-fi/fantasy erotica novel? Maybe an idea for next year's NaNoWriMo. But for now, let's just say that this year's book won't be showing up on the shelves any time soon .

That which was dealt, has been smelt.

If it sounds like a toot, and smells like a toot, it's likely a toot.

This is an important lesson to learn in life – and much more enjoyable than that whole "walks like a duck, sounds like a duck" analogy. Toots are much more hilarious than ducks. Ducks do quack, but they are primarily animals who just happen to quack.

Toot's, on the other hand, are the noise themselves. I mean, we all know where they come from, but we don't talk about that part. We talk about the hysterical noise itself – a noise that is different every time it happens.

Toots are unique. Toots are special. Toots are never repeated, and never duplicated (that might seem redundant, but it's not – trust me).

But this post isn't really about toots, it's about coffee. Specifically, the delicious pumpkin spice coffee that we're enjoying on this cold and crisp Sacramento morning. I dealt the coffee into the coffee maker, and I smelt it as it brewed and filled the house with a wonderful holiday smell.

Why talk about toots when we can talk about coffee? Coffee smells so much better – unless of course the coffee is burned, in which case it might smell like a toot.

Here's another thought – David thinks that skunk spray smells like burned coffee, and therefore skunk spray smells like toot. I think that's something we can all agree on. So we've got skunks, coffee, and toots that all have similar scents. I don't know what this means, but I think it's pretty important. Somehow.

Anyway, this coffee is delicious, and it's helping my creativity flow into the book I'm writing during this year's NaNoWriMo. I am so far behind this year – usually I've finished my book by the 8th, or maybe the 12th of November – but here we are on the 13th and I'm only half-way through!

It's tragic. It's unacceptable. It's depressing. I am so completely unmotivated to write a new story, because I am so far behind on this pile of books waiting to be edited and published!

(the lady who just called in to Car Talk on NPR just talked about the burning smell of the brakes in her car – which incidentally smell like toot)

Incidentally – the fetish of going out into the woods and being sprayed by a skunk is called Skenting.

But anyway – I'm not feeling terribly motivated for NaNoWriMo this year. I'm doing it, and I'm enjoying my story, but I'm not plundering through the writing as fast as I normally do. One might wonder if the writing is BETTER because of it – and that's a valid question – but I really don't know. I am enjoying the style, the characters, the words, the plot, much more so than I have in the past (I think we all know how I feel about Box of Hair), but I don't know if I want to attribute that to slower writing or not. If I did that, then it would take me the rest of my life to get these darn books edited.

Something smells like toot. It might be all the BS that I'm piling into this post, or it could be the beeping noise that signifies that the coffee maker has been on for 90 minutes and is automatically shutting off so as to not burn the coffee. However, if there is only a small amount of coffee left, then it's very possible for it to burn even within those 90 minutes.

I believe that is what may have happened. It's very tooty all of a sudden. Or perhaps David just woke up.

The Great Halloween Massacre

No ween would be complete without the ancient story of the Great Halloween Massacre, so here I deliver an encore presentation…

Is everyone feeling hella good??? I know that when this special dark day of the year rolls around (not to be confused with Hershey's Special Dark Chocolates), I'm feeling hella great!

Or for those of you with small children reading this, you are permitted to feel hecka great, although hecka great doesn't even come close to feeling hella great.

What a joyous and fun day to celebrate the exhumation of spirits and ghouls and ghosts and zombies that creep out from every tomb and are closing in to seal your doom (word to MJ).

Halloween is my second favourite holiday just after Xmas (although as of 2010 I think it has surpassed Xmas). Third on the list is Turkey Day, and then after that there are no other holidays that float my boat. Halloween and Xmas are the only two major holidays in our culture that require massive amounts of decorations, themed parties, and costuming.

Houses are decorated with strands of orange lights and pumpkins for Halloween, and are decorated with strands of white and multicoloured lights and trees for Xmas.

Halloween brings us carved pumpkins and roasted seeds, while Xmas brings us carved turkeys and hams and an endless supply of side-dishes. For the dark helladay we dress up in costumes that could be scary, funny, wild, or crazy, and for the bright holiday we dress in festive reds and whites in honour of the leader of Xmas, Santa Clause.

Halloween, however, doesn't really have the same  official mascot like Xmas. In fact, when we look across the gamut of holidays can you think of any other that has an official figurehead? (and don't you dare suggest the "Easter Bunny") Personally I think it's about time for an officially designated leader of Halloween.

Those of you who are huge fans of The Nightmare Before Xmas may begin the lobby for Jack Skellington, that hollow-headed insane creature who has a fascination for women with stitches all over their bodies. Others of you might feel that because this is the dark helladay, we need a more loathsome, e-ville (as in frew-its of the de-ville) type of creature like Satan, the Devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Fallen One, or some other derivative of the former angel of music (if you didn't get this, please refer to Music Makes a People Come Together).

But this can't be a happy story…we are talking about the dark helladay you know…so let us reflect on that most memorable day in our history…

The Great Halloween Massacre…

Enter my Hella-vision. A massively evil orange pumpkin-man, the size of the Stay Puft Marshmallow man from that classic Hellaween movie, Ghostbusters. What other figure could simultaneously cause explosions of laughter, and screams of terror, from children everywhere? They all watch in contorted confusion as the Hellaween Evil Man-Pumpkin (HEMP) comes crashing through their neighbourhoods to steal their candy, decorations, and any child dressed up like a pumpkin.

Panic ensues on Hellaween as children everywhere see the massive pumpkin-man moving toward their city – not knowing what was happening, who it was, where it came from, and why it was orange and as big as the sun. The screaming would echo out through the night as trick-or-treat'ers began their mad dash home while the HEMP took  over the terrified population, summoning ghosts and ghouls from the depths of graveyards and morgues.

Eerie bats, who make that WEEE WEEE WEEE sound, fly out from caverns deep in the mountains…vampire bats, swooping down on unsuspecting children picking them up and carrying them into the lair of the evil HEMP. A dark and dirty lair where he passes the time munching and crunching on their delicate bones.

Screams and wails come from all corners of the globe as children race to change their costumes into something other than pumpkins, so that the HEMP will pass them over. Parents quickly smash all of their carved pumpkins into the street, not only in protest and defiance, but so the HEMP wouldn't see the carved mockeries of his next of kin. Orange lights on houses would quickly be replaced with black, so the HEMP couldn't see the scared children hiding behind fake tombstones and witch statues.

HEMP would smash tall buildings, rip out rows of trees, break darns causing huge floods (I'm trying to limit the "language" I'm using – so just say thank you), throw cars around like little toys, express copious amounts of cloudy gas from his pumpkin butt, and generally irritate anyone in the vicinity. After an unnecessary number of hours, the government would be forced to declare a state of emergency.

"The HEMP must be stopped! We must send in armed guards dressed in orange camo! We must send in hella-copters and tanks! We must smite the HEMP and protect our children from the dark helladay!"

But the HEMP was too powerful for the tiny army to defeat (that being the army that was left after the rest of them had been sent across the world to smite a secondary and lesser evil that wasn't even there in the first place) and so the people of the country would unite together against HEMP on their own! (there would be a special referendum that they would vote on, to abolish the HEMP) (and yes I realize that unite together is redundant but this is a hella-story ok?)

"DOWN WITH THE HEMP, DOWN WITH THE HEMP" they shouted, as parents and children armed themselves with pitchforks that were stuck in haystacks in their front yard decorations, and carving knives from the pumpkin carving set, and torches burning bright to illuminate the city in the unnatural darkness of Hellaween.

HEMP crashed into the center of the town, surrounded by an angry mob and blasting his cloudy gas. He grabbed for the children who hadn't had time to change costumes and shoved them hungrily into his gaping, toothy mouth.

The angry crowd chanted, "BURN THE HEMP, BURN THE HEMP, SMOKE HIM OUT!!!". Flames erupted around the HEMP as he tried to jump up a building and get away from the flames, but the force of the parents and children in costumes overpowered him, burning his tender orange flesh. Dark black smoke filled the air on Hellaween, blocking out the last rays of the smouldering sun. HEMP came crashing down in a blaze of glory, a Hellaween bonfire if you will, that sent children and parents dashing through the darkness with costumes and capes blowing behind.

The HEMP got hotter and hotter – he started to expand and bulge, and then suddenly he exploded sending bits of pumpkin and freshly baked seeds flying across all corners of the earth, smacking children in the face and blowing them miles away with the force of the seeds. Ghosts and ghouls flew in every direction with faces full of cooked pumpkin. Showers of orange splattered houses and buildings, trees and mountains, and filled the lakes and rivers with an orange soupy gunk.

At last the explosions stopped. The angry and scared people stood dumbstruck at the carnage around them. People dripped with pumpkin, wandering about looking for loved ones, on this the Great Halloween Massacre. But as the rebuilding process began, and as parents found their children, still in costume but scattered far and wide, they realized  that the day had been saved, and joyous cheering erupted from every mouth (along with bits of seeds and pumpkin rind).

"HURRAY, HURRAH, the HEMP IS GONE!!!!!"

The government, satisfied that the HEMP had been abolished, went back into hibernation.

The people, however, gathered round, bringing bags of brown sugar, salt, baking soda, and nutmeg to enjoy freshly baked pumpkin pie in celebration of the defeat of the HEMP. And then suddenly, they realized that the HEMP wasn't all that bad. Yes it had caused some destruction of city property, and yes it had caused people to run around screaming and laughing and doing foolish things, but there had also been a wonderful byproduct of the HEMP…this delicious and wonderful pumpkin pie that they were now enjoying, and the fantabulous baked seeds that they were crunching.

Gradually the crowd turned their wonder into song – "LONG LIVE THE HEMP, LONG LIVE THE HEMP!!"

And so even today, on this special dark helladay, as we remember the sacrifices made by the people during the Great Halloween Massacre, we are reminded that the HEMP really wasn't all that bad.

Happy Halloween everyone, and enjoy that pumpkin pie .

Boo!

Dead to me.

I fear that blogging has become dead to me.

It used to be something that I felt was my duty as a social-media-driven American.

It used to be something that fed my need for attention (which is ironic since I am an introvert).

But then suddenly there were no more comments – only spam. In fact the real/spam ratio for the last year shifted to almost 1/10. Most folks were reading the syndication of this blog on Facebook and commenting there instead. I couldn't figure out where to have the conversation, because it was happening somewhere new.

And then I wanted to use the flip cam more often. Presenting video content doesn't lend itself to conversation – it's more of you listening to a verbal monologue instead of reading a monologue.

Video is fun – typing is not. Well, typing is fun if I'm writing a book, but what has happened more often than not is I start writing something here and then do nothing more with it. I really don't know that I want this blog to be a repository of half-baked story ideas that go nowhere. And if I'm going to actually use them in a future book, I don't want to post them here vs. just going ahead and writing the whole darn book.

I'm conflicted.

Is blogging dead to me? Is it dead to you? Does anyone blog anymore?

I haven't even loaded my RSS reader in months. It seemed like all the blogs I was following slowed down, and in many cases stopped completely. Some people even wiped their blogs or removed the domain. So maybe it's dead to all of us. Where did everyone go? Facebook?

Is anyone out there?

A delightful A.D.D. themed commute…

Another video for your viewing pleasure.

You'll have to open this post in full view to watch it.

Enjoy!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Gay? Please don't kill yourself.

Safe Space logo is a registered trademark of EQUAL! Make your world a Safe Space!

It's very disheartening to hear that so many young people have killed themselves lately over anti-gay taunting. What's even more distressing is that there likely hundreds more that we will never hear about – either because the family is trying to save face ("Hell no we don't have a gay son!"), or to save their dead child from being sensationalized in the media.

Those families can make the choices they feel are right for them, but more importantly, gay teens need to make choices that are right for them – and that choice should never be to kill yourself.

Every single one of my GLBT friends have endured some level of torment for being who they are. Sometimes it's benign – "Don't talk about your boyfriend at work."; Sometimes it's offensive – "Go to hell faggot!"; Sometimes it's passive aggressive – your "friends" are no longer your friends; Sometimes it's aggressive – like when I had a milkshake thrown at me from a moving car.

It's cliche to say that experiences like those made me who I am today – but I think I'm who I am today in spite of those experiences. It DOES get better; there ARE people who can help; you MUST remember that being who you are is OK!

Ellen did a video on this "epidemic" of teen suicides – and I think it's long overdue. This has been an epidemic for years. It's not a recent problem – what's recent is that the media is calling attention to it. Instead of hiding away in the shadows it's being presented front and center on the 5pm news. It's not unlike Obama allowing dead soldier's bodies to be filmed when they arrive back in the United States. Until you show it, it's not really a problem?

I'm disgusted that there are school administrators, parents, teachers, and "friends" out there who see this kind of bullying going on every day and do nothing about it. Shame on all of you.

If you're gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning – it does get better, and you don't have to "wait" for it to get better, you can MAKE it get better. Tell someone what's going on. Find an advocate in your community, or even outside your community. Get on google and contact well known GLBT role models; contact the ACLU or the Human Rights Campaign.

There are myriad resources out there (even me!) who can talk to you, listen to you, provide you with thoughts and ideas, or even provide you with a safe haven to be who you are. Please don't let the world miss out on your creativity, energy, and special qualities by taking your life away.

I certainly don't want to miss out on you being the next teacher, doctor, astronaut, president, writer, painter, designer, or whatever it is you want to be. Stay alive, please.

Sacramento is Rank.

NPR reported the other day that Sacramento is #17 in the country on the Stress-O-Meter. They didn't use the term Stress-O-Meter because it's a bit pedantic, but hey, it's my blog and it's been a while.

So #17. It's better than being #1-#16, granted, but it made me think, what else might we be really good at here in good ole' Sacramento? And thus my research began. Enjoy.

Collisions involving bicyclists by population (see #4) / Trees per Person (unverified) / CA Water Qualitya