Lara Krupicka's Blog, page 17

Family Bucket Lists: Let’s Land That Helicopter, Mom

My breath caught at the sight of the bright flags piled near the gym wall. A few girls were already spinning and tossing the aluminum-poled silks. Instinctively my body reacted to the sharp thwap of fabric slicing air,  hands itching to join the movements. Suddenly I was 15 again, standing in the early morning haze in my high school parking lot, practicing back-scratchers and butterflies.

Behind me, my daughter hesitated in the gym door. That should have been my first clue.

When she asked to sign up for color guard camp my mind had immediately aged her nine years and dressed her in a uniform. It marched her across the high school football field, willing her to twirl a flag with finesse. Maybe she would become color guard captain too.

But as the weeks of camp went by, her enthusiasm waned – never mind that mine didn’t. In our back yard I demonstrated throws and coached her on spins. “No, left hand upside down. Like this,” I would say. But she turned her back instead of her hand, shielding her actions from my view.

Once camp finished and she marched in our city’s Labor Day parade, my daughter retired her flag. And I re-shelved my color guard memories with a sense of disappointment.

What I had needed in that moment in the gym was a bucket list – a set goals I could work on apart from my daughter.

Because creating individual bucket lists encourages us as parents to separate our personal ambitions from those of our children. We hover less when we have more than just our children’s activities and futures to focus on.

You see, sometimes we inadvertently pressure our children to finish what we started in our youth. We remember the thrill of crossing the finish line first and urge our kids to follow in our footsteps as runners, hoping they will get the state title we never did.

Or we lean on them to take the path we didn’t. At the slightest sign of interest in the field of education, we push them to become a teacher, hoping for them live out the career we bypassed because our own parents coaxed us into a lucrative profession.

Or we urge them to take up pastimes that allow us to relive our favorite parts of days gone by. Like joining the color guard.

We don’t always do these things on purpose or even knowingly. It’s easy to view our desire for our children to achieve certain goals or pursue specific careers as merely an expression of our support of their natural abilities. But when those accomplishments or that career shows up on our bucket list and not theirs, we learn to think twice. Our error becomes more apparent.

With a bucket list in front of you, you get to go back and try again for the missed glory of your youth. You’re a former frustrated runner? Then winning a 5K might figure prominently for you. If you listed “teacher” as your dream profession when you were a child, it might be time to see where you can volunteer your teaching skills or how you might go back to earn that degree.

In the meantime, while you pursue your own dreams, your children are freed from the obligation to live them out for you. And they can go after their own achievements, with your genuine support.

It won’t matter so much whether they like twirling a flag or not, because you no longer need to circle over the memories of bygone days. You’re landing that helicopter and heading out on new adventures.

Have you ever caught yourself living vicariously through your children? What’s on your bucket list that you were hoping to see your kids accomplish?

Photo credit: Floating by prayitno on Flickr via CC License

Family Bucket Lists: Reason 1 to Make Yours

Can I let you in on a secret? Someday I would like to take a pie in the face. A fluffy, gooey cream pie (whipped cream, chocolate cream, vanilla cream, doesn’t matter, just so long as it’s cream), right on the nose. It’s goofy, but I do. The wackiness of it is probably what appeals to me most. So I am putting it on my bucket list.

Most of us carry around in secret some dreams and ideas of things we would like to do – serious and wacky both. We hesitate to speak them out loud for fear of jinxing the possibility of them ever coming to pass. Or we may fear being ridiculed for having thoughts that are so far-fetched.

Sharing our greatest hopes and secret longings makes us vulnerable. But as researcher Brene Brown says in her book, Daring Greatly, “vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.”

What better place to be vulnerable about our dreams than in our families.

This is why creating bucket lists in the context of family can be so powerful. As you create an authentic bucket list, you will encounter anxiety. But you will also find freedom in expressing yourself. In fact, there’s a good chance you will be buoyed up by the enthusiastic response you will get to most, if not all, of your dreams. Your spouse and your children will likely be amazed and impressed by the new you (dare I say, the whole you) they see emerging in the items on your list.

In return, you will gain a new understanding and new appreciation for each member of your family as they dare to put their life dreams out there before you. Yes, it may be a challenge to drop your notions of little Johnny one day becoming a lawyer when he grows up, after you discover he would rather be a physical therapist. And when your tween daughter shares her desire to go sky diving, you may be thinking, ‘over my dead body.’ But I bet you will also admire the gutsy spirit it takes to consider such a venture.

Sharing your dreams together in the form of bucket lists can be scary, but doesn’t a little fear come along with every adventure? And the adventure of knowing those in your family and being known on a more intimate level is worth every bit of fear.

Even if it’s the fear of not knowing when a cream pie might be coming your way.

What would it look like in your family if you all started creating bucket lists? Would you have the courage to admit what you have been hoping in your heart of hearts?

Photo credit: Talk Shows on Mute by Katie Tegtmeyer on Flickr via CC License

Staying Organized as a Mom

“I’m sorry, but we can’t groom your dog today,” the technician said as I reached to hand her my schnoodle’s leash.

“Why not?” I replied. “I have an appointment.”

She tapped a few more keys on her computer before answering. “It says here that your dog was due for rabies shots last month. But his vet shows none on record.”

Oops! You mean I was supposed to take him in for an annual checkup?

I’d been forgetting to take care of tasks recently: the dog’s vet appointment, patching jeans my daughter asked me to fix, tracking down school forms. So many responsibilities seemed to be slipping through the cracks. Why suddenly couldn’t I stay organized when juggling a household of five had never been a problem before?

And then I realized: I’d let a regular system slip. Not systems. Just one. But dropping the use of only one of my planning mechanisms while still making use of others had thrown everything off kilter. My brain couldn’t manage it.

You’ve probably heard the fact that human short-term memory can only handle seven, plus or minus two, items at one time. Pass that limit and something gets dropped.

Now consider a day in the life of an average mom today: getting kids up, dressed, fed (and the same for herself). Remembering who needs to be where when, what appointments need to be scheduled, which errands must be run, what groceries are needed, whose birthday is coming up, which friend to get back to about getting together. The list goes on.

Or I should say “lists.”

Because that’s really the only way to do it all. Whether you keep a list of reminders on your cell phone, or chart everything on a calendar, or jot “to do’s” on a scratch pad (or all of the above), we all rely on outside sources to keep us on track. Otherwise, we’re constantly adding and dropping items from the seven we can store in short-term memory.

The formats I use to keep track of my family, my work, and my social life? A Google calendar (which my husband and 13-year-old also access); a wall calendar for my younger children; a weekly planner in which I keep separate lists for work tasks, home tasks, errands, laundry, and meals; a weekend chore list for our family; a monthly menu plan; and a chart of work projects and deadlines.

At the start of this year I quit using the project chart, thinking it wasn’t necessary. But the problem was, all those projects shifted to my short-term memory. Which left the odd-ball tasks like “make a vet appointment” to get bumped and forgotten. And it also meant less room for new tasks to be added, such as remembering to patch the jeans when my daughter asked.

I reinstated the project chart this week. And already I feel the difference. The less I have to store in short-term memory the more successful I am and the happier my whole family.

I know not to take for granted the systems I have that are working well. Otherwise the next thing I forget could be a daughter at school. And she woudn’t want that to happen!

How about you? What systems and fall-backs do you have that aid your memory and keep your household running smoothly?

If you want to know what I use to plan a month’s worth of meals, you can learn more about it in my article, “Answering the ‘What’s for Dinner’ Question,” found in the March/April issue of West Virginia Family.

Photo credit: “Planner and work log” by pennyshima on Flickr made available under CC license

3 Strategies For Planning Family Adventures

Outside it’s a winter wonderland of frost-gilded trees and snow-blanketed yards. But while my kids are making plans for sledding after school, I’m making plans for spring break. I’m ready for some family adventures and I want to map an outline of them before that week arrives.

Often we spend our break at home, with lots of time lounging in pajamas and reading books. But occasionally we need to explore. I want to do both this year. And I’ve found a few strategies that are helping me narrow down my options. Maybe they’ll help you as you plan spring break adventures for your family. Here they are:

Listen

More than once recently as we’ve driven by our local TCBY yogurt shop, my daughters have mentioned (complained) that they’ve never eaten there. According to them, all of their friends go there all the time. They are the only ones who have missed out. Can I get the hint?

Hyperboles aside, my kids are telling me something. And I’ve listened. Coincidentally a TCBY Groupon appeared in my inbox recently. I put two and two together and decided our spring break  family adventures would include a trip to TCBY. But not our nearby TCBY (partly because of that Groupon – I’m calling it kismet). We’re going to head to an open-air mall featuring stores we don’t usually visit. We’ll call this adventure number one.

Reflect

Last year we did travel over spring break to the Smokie Mountains. Between the balmy weather, the resplendent scenery, and the occasionally challenging hikes, it made the perfect family adventure for me. My kids? Not so much. They mentioned (complained) about the hikes being too hard, too steep, and too boring. Two of them wished they were in New York City instead.

In response, I had them each research a city within easy driving distance of our home. We visited one last summer, where we enjoyed a few brief exploits. Now, I’m not going to shy away from future outdoor expeditions, but I’ve learned that, given my girls’ preference for cities, our family adventures need to include the occasional urban destination. One of those remaining cities = adventure number two.

Dare

Part of the fun of spring vacation is breaking out of the school year rut. Which means daring to try something new – a new shop (TCBY), a new city (Indianapolis?), but something else too. My children and I all need to challenge ourselves to face fears or shake free of insecurities. We need to risk something where the cost of failure isn’t too high. Spring break is the perfect setting for that. So maybe we’ll dare to try out a new craft (watercolor painting?) or a new sport (paintball?) or cooking a new food (Indian). Our adventure number three.

With a mindset fixed on adventure, whether we accomplish all three or not, I’m confident my kids will enjoy their break. And they’ll still get plenty of time for lounging in their pajamas. Did I mention (not complain) that spring break can’t get here soon enough?

Have you planned any family adventures for your spring break? If not, do any of these strategies prompt an idea for you? I’d love to hear what you’ll be doing and where you’ll be going (another strategy: poll friends for ideas).

Photo credit: “Family Adventures in North Wales” by ProAdventure on Flickr made available under CC license

 

Why We Need the Courage to Admit When We’re Wrong

It’s hard to admit when we’ve done something wrong and hurt another person in the process. Really hard. In fact, it’s easier to point our finger at another source than to own up to our role in the matter.

Have you ever noticed this tendency in yourself? You know you’ve got to apologize because it’s clear that your actions or words wounded someone. So you look around for some courage and come up instead with something like: “I’m sorry for what I did, but if you’d known what my day was like…” “I’m sorry if my words offended you, if I’d known you would take them that way…” “I’m sorry I messed up, but there was this circumstance that got in my way and…”

Why do we do this? Why do we follow an admission of guilt with an explanation?

It’s shame.  As Brene Brown says in her book, Daring Greatly, “In organizations, schools, and families, blaming and finger-pointing are often symptoms of shame.”

We want to save face, both with the person we wronged and with ourselves. But the problem is, when we offer an “I’m sorry, but…” we give all the power to shame. We let it control the interaction.

We think that shifting the blame will also shift the shame. It doesn’t.

The sad result of pointing the finger at what we can’t control instead of being willing to take an open-eyed look at what we could have controlled is that the guilt (and its shame) is still with us. And the one we wounded still hurts. They’ve been forced to accept that we care more about protecting ourselves than mending the rift – because most likely they’re aware of what we’re doing. And they’ve been robbed of the chance to forgive us for what we did that hurt them.

When we say a simple “I’m sorry. I was wrong when I…” we offer an opportunity for forgiveness to be extended.

Yes, it’s hard. Very hard. But the next time I’m in a position where I have to admit my guilt in hurting someone else, I want to say a simple “I’m sorry” with only an explanation of what I’m sorry for and not an explanation of what I want to blame it on. I want to be known as a person who takes responsibility, for both the good and the bad. And I want to teach my children to be that kind of person too.

When have you had the courage to give an apology straight up, no blame-shifting explanations? How did it turn out?

Photo credit: “It Could Be You” by Stuart Richards on Flickr made available under CC license

Winter Boredom Busters For Moms

It’s cold. It’s dreary. And I’m getting that cooped up feeling, no matter how many times I leave the house to run errands.

Even if you don’t live in a cold climate like I do, where winter means hurrying from car to building to car with as little flesh exposed as possible, chances are you feel the drag of wintertime. After several months of shortened daylight hours everyone can get a little twitchy.

So what to do in the weeks left until spring arrives? Here are four mom perk-ups to break the doldrums of winter:

Grill all out

There’s nothing like the flavors of summer to bring back that warm-weather feel. So dig a path through the snow to your grill or roll the Weber closer to your back door (but not so close as to be a fire hazard). Then put together some hamburger patties (or veggie burgers, if that’s your thing), slice up some tomatoes, fix your favorite summertime salad and grill away. Just the smell of burgers cooking on the grill is enough to whisk away my winter blues.

If it’s too much to cook outdoors, but you have a fireplace, load on some logs and make up some s’mores indoors.

Psyche yourself out with a summer flick

Mix up some lemonade, pop up the popcorn and cozy up with a beach flick. You’ll soon forget that it’s frosty outside when you’re immersed in the sunshiny, summertime scenes on the big screen.

Some fun beach/summer-inspired titles to check out:

Beach Blanket Bingo (1965)

Mystic Pizza (1988)

The Flamingo Kid (1984)

Beaches (1988)

50 First Dates (2004)

Give your space a makeover

When summer does arrive, you’re going to want to spend as much time outside as you can. So why not take the time now to spruce up the indoors? Maybe you have a linen closet that won’t stay closed for all the clutter. Or a laundry room that’s gotten dingy. Pick one small project that can be completed in a day or a weekend. Then go to it!

Empty out the linen closet or laundry room and give it a fresh coat of paint. And don’t be boring with your choice of colors. Pick something fun that you normally wouldn’t use but have admired in someone else’s house or on the pages of a magazine. Ditch anything that you don’t really use – the emptier space will appear more inviting. And play around with re-organizing like putting in new shelf paper and buying or creating colorful storage containers. See what everydayMOM has been doing for some inexpensive ideas.

Give yourself a makeover

While we all complain about what heat and humidity do to our hair, the bone-dry climate of winter  turns your summer style into something else. Spice up your look by asking your hairdresser to try something new. Too radical? Give your tresses a pick-me-up by way of a hot oil treatment or scalp massage.

Now is also a good time of year to try out a new color palette for makeup. Indoor lighting isn’t the same as natural light, which may make your skin color more sallow. Add to that the fade in shade that happens from lack of sunlight and you’re dealing with a different skin tone in winter. Take some time for a makeup consultation at your local department store. Then pick one or two (or all) of their suggestions to try and see if brightening up your face can brighten up your mood too.

Whatever you choose to do to break the boredom, just remember this: we’re already on the upside of winter. The days are getting longer. And soon we’ll be answering our kids’ summer break complaints of “I’m bored.”

What do you like to do to fight off cabin fever?

 

All In

This month I’m making a leap. I’m stepping off the edge. I’m diving into a new venture (or adventure). This month also marks the start of a year in which I’ve decided I’m going to stop holding back.

I want to be all in.

By: Rob (popofatticus)

The new venture is a series for parents at my church. When discussing the possibility with the church staff member supporting me, I told her I’d spearhead the series, but that it felt like stepping off a high dive. A very high dive. And I just hoped that the pool would be filled with water.

She laughed and we continued on with the discussion. But the image of a high dive has remained in my mind.

And I think it fits. Because come tonight  at 6:30pm when I launch the series with a talk I’m giving on being parents who keep our word, I’ll be stepping off the diving platform. And we all know that going off a high dive doesn’t have a part-way option. Either we jump off and get completely wet, or we back down that ladder and give up the jump. Going off a high dive is an all-in-or-nothing move.

But the image of an empty pool also has haunted me. The image of being all in for a catastrophic outcome wants to push me back down the diving board ladder. Until three nights ago.

I’ve been preparing to share a talk on the importance and power of creating a parenting manifesto – a concept I felt was pretty original (not the manifesto part, but one particular to parenting). And I’m thrilled with the potential of the idea for creating a positive ripple in the lives of parents and so I’m excited to share about it. I’ve just been hoping someone will show up to hear me and be even half as excited about the idea as I am.

Remember how I said that my goal for the year is to stop holding back? Well, I came across a book that echoes that theme, a book called Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown. And so in my downtime the past week, when I’m not working or preparing for the upcoming talk, I’ve been devouring this book. I’ve also been doing what I love to do when I have a printed text in my hands – I’ve been skimming ahead. And Friday night I came across something that told me the pool I’ll be jumping into on Monday will be filled with water. I came across this: The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto.

I cannot explain it entirely, except to say that I know I am going to jump off that high dive come Monday. And I may flail wildly on the way down.  I may belly flop hugely into that pool. And I may ache and cough and sputter. But I’ll be all wet. Because I’m all in for this new venture. And I know that the pool will be full.

For now, that’s all that matters.

When was the last time you stopped holding back and walked up the ladder to the top, pinched your nose, and jumped off one of life’s high dives?

Photo credit: “high spirits, closer” by popofatticus on Flickr made available under CC license

Celebrating Amidst Imperfection

A symmetrical evergreen bedecked with ribbon garland, white lights, and glass ornaments sits in the front window giving off a subtle pine scent. The soft sounds of carols play throughout the house, mixed with the crackles and pops coming from the glowing embers in the fireplace – the perfect counter to gently falling snow outside. And in the kitchen, mom pulls a fresh batch of cutout cookies from the oven.

Um, yeah. I don’t know whose house that is, but it’s not mine. In fact, yesterday I didn’t even have an oven in my kitchen for baking cookies. And there’s no room for a tree in our living room because of  kitchen carts, tarps, and one uninstalled toilet. Our fireplace is buried behind the refrigerator, kitchen table and cabinets.

We’ll get the house put back together soon enough. And there will be a tree and a fire in the fireplace and cookies in the oven. But I’ve given up on striving for the “ideal” holiday. Much as I’d like to envision my family enjoying a magazine-perfect Christmas, reality says it’s not only not possible, it’s not even preferable. These idyllic images come at a price. They take time, energy, and money. And ultimately they require a level of control that none of us has.

We set ourselves up for disappointment every year when we put a checklist of expectations on our holidays. They’ll never match up on every count. And in fact, we may miss the value the very flaws themselves bring to our homes. I’m guessing my kids will remember more clearly this year where Christmas decorating was postponed as we scattered to friends’ and family’s homes to live while our floor was being refinished. It will stand out in relief against the backdrop of all the other Christmases where the day-after-Thanksgiving-putting-up-the-tree tradition was kept.

What will you do when reality and expectation don’t line up this year (as surely there will be at least one aspect out of sync with the holiday of your dreams)? Will you do as the Who’s down in Whoville and choose to sing anyway in spite of the lack of Christmas-as-you-wished coming? Will you embrace the flaw as a memory-building opportunity? Or will you miss the celebration because you’re caught up in a lament for what couldn’t be?

I’m hoping for the resilience to find a celebration amidst the imperfections.

If it’s sickness – minor, major or terminal – that is throwing off your plans, be sure to check out this article I wrote with tips from experts and everyday moms on how to weather sickness amidst the holidays.

Now tell me this, dear reader: was there a time where the thing that threatened your celebration ended up being the source of fond memories? Share your story with us here.

Wish Lists

It’s that wonderful time of year – those weeks where we head to the stores or our craft rooms or kitchens to buy/create an item from a loved one’s list of wishes. Our goal now, and in the weeks ahead, is to fulfill a wish (or wishes) for every person on our shopping list.

But what if instead of checking off items from their wish list, we gave people the gift of what we wish for them? What if we shared with our loved ones what we  hope for them in the coming year?

In that vein of bestowing a wish, here’s what I came up with for my three daughters:

I’d wish for my eldest a box of wisdom. Come January she’ll begin deciding what path to take in high school – what classes to take, how hard to challenge herself, and where to leave room for unwinding. And I wouldn’t just wish for the cookie cutter thinking that poses as “wisdom” in our culture. I’d wish for wisdom founded on the principles of our faith.

For my middle daughter I’d wish for a jar of courage. She’s so much fun to be around when she’s being her own eccentric self. But she keeps her personality hidden from all but those with whom she’s closest. I’d love for her to have the courage to let even little bits of her goofiness show through in settings outside our home.

And for my youngest daughter, I’d wish for a bagful of close friendships. She loves being around people and is well liked by many of her classmates. But she often has to seek out others for company. I’d wish for a handful of friends who seek her out regularly, friends she can count on to stick with her and stick up for her.

What’s funny is how, as I think about what I’d wish for, I see the seeds of those wishes already in place. My eldest has been wise in choosing her friends and activities as a junior high student. She’s well on her way to being a wise high schooler. My middle child has shown much courage in the face of ongoing struggles with her health – amazing courage and optimism. I can’t help but believe that courage is establishing roots in her through the trials. And my youngest is spending more time with a handful of girls who seem to be the kind who could form loyal friendships one day.

A lot like the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Lion in The Wizard of Oz, it seems those things I’d wish for my girls are already true in some respects. I wonder if I were to create a list of wishes for others in my life, how much I’d find to be already true for them too.

Try this exercise yourself. Then tell us here: what’s one thing would you wish for someone in the coming year and how did creating that wish change your view of that person?

Photo credit: “Free printable Christmas Wish Lists” by the green gables on Flickr made available under CC license

Can’t See the Dangers For the Quirks

My 1999 Chevy Prizm was full of character – all those idiosyncrasies that you only find in a vehicle that’s seen a lot of years and thousands of miles. The interior light didn’t work. The heater moaned in cold weather. The front end shook at speeds over 65 miles an hour. The brake pedal squished down to the floor mat. I took pride in keeping that little old car going. To me these “quirks” were almost endearing.

It took someone else driving my car to point out that they were dangerous.

And sometimes it takes the perspective of an outsider to point out the dangers of the “quirks” in our daily lives to wake us up to the need for change.

We don’t mean to create a hectic schedule when we agree to add one more activity for our family. We can’t foresee how we’ll end up allowing a child to watch hour after hour of television as we work on a project we volunteered for. We know that all those fast food dinners on the run aren’t ideal, but we chalk them up to being part of the season we’re in.

It will get better, we think. But we don’t notice when it doesn’t.

It’s just for a short time, we rationalize, never marking an end date on the calendar.

It’s still drivable, so why not keep going?

I hear over and over from moms about how life has shifted off-center for them in one way or another. They see the quirks of how they’re living — the less-than-ideal circumstances that surround them. But they chalk it up to being part of modern life. They power through with a stoic attitude assuming it will all be worth any hardship. It’s a life with character, they think.

They see the quirks. But they don’t see the danger.

We all do this, in one way or another, don’t we? But are we brave enough to let someone into our lives to point out the dangers? Are we willing to let go, even when we know something is dangerous? It takes courage to face up to where we need to change.

To listen without being defensive when your husband points out that you’re too distracted by the book you’re trying to finish for book club to give your child the full attention they deserve as they stand in front of you (yep, I’ve been there). And to acknowledge that maybe this has become a habit, a habit that’s dangerous to your relationship with that child.

To agree with the teacher who suggests part of your child’s struggle in school may be from a lack of sleep. And to be willing to let a commitment so you can have him home in bed at an earlier time.

Sometimes those quirks in our lives are just that – those funny abnormalities that make for a good story. (Like the time I unstuck my frozen car door and climbed inside, only to find I’d gotten frozen in.) But sometimes they mask a costly hazard that it takes fresh eyes to detect, like brakes worn down nearly to metal.

Be alert to what those with fresh eyes have to say about your life. Be open to suggestions of what you could trade in. You just might find that it’s not so hard to part with the old ride, quirks and all. And a new ride could be waiting to knock your socks off.

What quirks have you been overlooking in your life? Are they just part of the territory? Or could they be a symptom of hidden danger? Or do you already know the danger and choose to ignore it?

Photo credit: “Old Car” by KB35 on Flickr made available under CC license