Lara Krupicka's Blog, page 16

What if You Could Succeed More By Changing Your Attitude?

As a child I admired those with talent. Nadia Comaneci was my hero for her amazing abilities as a gymnast. Marie Curie’s story stuck with me for her example of what one woman could do for science. Young violin and piano prodigies captivated me with their skill.

At first these gifted people inspired me. I would practice piano with a new zeal… for a few weeks. I ‘d walk an imaginary balance beam in my back yard, pretending I faced off against Olympic greats. Yet I quit once I finished one round of gymnastics class, even though I loved the uneven parallel bars. After breaking my school’s freshman record for the 400m run, I switched from track to soccer, where I performed only at an average level.

After a while I stopped being inspired by others’ accomplishments and instead found myself depressed by them. I felt like I’d never advance above mediocrity. I was afraid to fail. And I believed I had no talent, no innate skill.

In a word, I had the wrong mindset.

In her book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, researcher Carol Dweck defines the mindset I had (a fixed mindset) and compares it with that held by the most successful people, those who sustained success over time and in the face of adversity. Those folks have what she describes as a “growth mindset.” A fixed mindset believes that abilities are innate and are, for the most part, set. On the other hand, a growth mindset approaches everything with an attitude of learning and development.

Before I read Dweck’s book I had already undergone a change in thinking. In recent years I learned to embrace failure and pushed myself to take risks in areas where I wanted to excel. I am excited again about learning and I find my heroes’ stories inspiring again. I’ve adopted some of the best of the growth mindset. But I still have much to learn – as an individual, but especially as a parent.

For example, labeling kids as “smart” or “gifted” gets in the way of a growth mindset. Praising ability instead of effort stunts success. As Dweck says, “After seven experiments with hundreds of children, we had some of the clearest findings I’ve ever seen: Praising children’s intelligence harms their motivation and it harms their performance… It really does give them a boost, a special glow—but only for the moment. The minute they hit a snag, their confidence goes out the window and their motivation hits rock bottom. If success means they’re smart, then failure means they’re dumb.”

If our families are to truly enjoy the bucket list life and find our way to marking off some of our loftier dreams, we need to keep a growth mindset in focus. In Family Bucket Lists I recommend celebrating intermediate steps to bigger goals. But I would also say that part of the process should include talking with your kids about what you learn along the way. Look at how your bucket list experiences are shaping you. Value the growth you experience from tackling them – together and individually.

For any family pursuing the bucket list life I highly recommend this book. For our part, we have committed to enrolling our two eldest in Dweck’s growth mindset-promoting course, Brainology. I want to see them succeed like my heroes and theirs. But more than that, I want them to have fun and grow along the way. That is more valuable than an Olympic gold, Nobel prize, or Carnegie Hall performance.

What’s on Your List This Summer?

Build a sandcastle.

Make s’mores.

Run a lemonade stand.

There are so many quintessential summer experiences that we want our kids to have. But in the rush of activities or the drone of the ordinary, we can forget about them. Or we do some of them by rote, not recognizing how we’re making memories for our kids, not realizing that these “old” experiences can be “new” to them given the right approach. And if we have multiple children we might not always notice that the “been there. done that.” for our older kids is a first time deal for the younger.

How to keep it fresh every summer? Make a summer bucket list. You probably already have a calendar full of activities and trips – why not see how those coincide with your family’s ideas of summer “must do’s” or “must see’s.” If you’ll pepper your once-in-a-lifetime list with plenty of ordinary-made-fresh (like s’mores and sandcastles), each day of your summer can be one on which you check something off and make another memory.

For an idea of what a great summer bucket list looks like, check out the 2013 Butler Family Summer Bucket List.

And if you’ve been overwhelmed by the idea of creating a lifelong bucket list for yourself or your family, a summer-only list is the perfect way to start. It’s also the perfect time to start.

So tell me, do you keep a summer bucket list? If so, what’s on it? Or if you don’t have an official list yet, what would you put on one for your family this year?

The Secret to Fewer Regrets

Parenting requires so many decisions, it can sometimes become mind-numbing. How to respond to discipline issues, what to do about kids’ friendship struggles, which sports to encourage them toward and what other activities to enroll them in. We have so much information and so many opportunities at our fingertips, it can be hard to sort through it all. And we as parents often put a lot of pressure on ourselves to “get it right.”

We want to parent without regrets.

But the reality is, we’re human. We’re going to make mistakes. And we’re going to miss out on some things (which plays into the biggest fear I often hear from other parents – regret for what they or their kids or their family missed). Yet there is a way to limit the regrets we experience as parents and as a family: priorities.

If you will take the time to spell out what you really don’t want your kids to miss out on and what you don’t want to miss out on together as a family, you can live with fewer regrets.

In other words, your family bucket list (and your individual lists) can serve as a reminder and a decision-making tool to help you live according to your priorities. You won’t be saying as often “I wish I had…”

I can think of at least one regret I carry that would have been avoided by my kids keeping bucket lists sooner. You see, my middle daughter really likes the fairy tale books written by Gail Carson Levine. Books like Ella Enchanted, Ever, and Fairest. While in elementary school she apparently read through every Gail Carson Levine book she could find in the library. And when my cousin bequeathed a set of Levine books to my three girls, the middle one claimed them all. So when she heard that Gail Carson Levine would be coming to our fair city to do a book signing at our local independent bookstore, she asked if we could go.

I told her no. I can’t even remember why I said that now. I don’t know if you had to purchase book signing tickets or if the hardcover book price seemed to out of our budget. But whatever the reason on the surface, underneath I reasoned that it wasn’t worth it.

Had I known at the time that Gail Carson Levine was my daughter’s absolutely favorite author, I would have responded differently. After all, when what you’re buying is the chance of a lifetime to meet the one author you’d like to see more than any other, what price is too high? If it’s a bucket list experience, then you’re paying for more than a book and an author signing.

Sure enough, when she created her bucket list and considered who she most wanted to meet, Carson Levine ranked at the top.

Cue the mommy regret. I don’t want to make that mistake again. Thankfully, now that I know which people each of my girls wants to meet (and places they want to go, things they want to do, etc.) I am better able to prioritize and make decisions. And with our family bucket list I have another matrix by which to decide. As long as I haven’t passed up opportunities that relate to that list, I should experience far fewer regrets in my parenting.

How about you? Do you parent by trying to avoid regret in general? Or do you parent by a set of priorities? How would (or does) having a bucket list make some decisions easier for you?

Junior High “Graduation” and Post-Achievement Depression

I find myself holding my breath often this past week, choking back tears. At times a wave of sadness will roll up from the depths of my stomach into my chest and across my lungs, constricting them. I want to weep.

On Thursday my husband and I joined the other eighth-grade parents in the school gymnasium for an appropriately named “Moving On” ceremony. There my daughter gathered for one of a few final times with her classmates – the ones she’s teased and joked with, ones she’s pulled pranks on teachers with, ones she’s cajoled to join the track team and the school newspaper. Kids whose names were unfamiliar three years ago, yet now stand out as well-known characters in the drama of junior high life.

Eric* who shared the editor-in-chief title with my daughter and annoyed her with his big plans and small work. Jessica who hollered my child’s name jubilantly whenever she first entered a room. Stacy who faithfully walked to school with her every day and joined her to help file music for the band director during lunchtime. Greg and Allen whose table she snuck over to at lunch to try to beat at card games. And a cast of others whose names reappeared in tellings of Spanish class tricks and science lab mishaps.

These kids, who as of today officially become high school freshmen, are why I descended frequently to moroseness recently. I am going to miss hearing about them and seeing them bring out the best and brightest in my girl. I had not realized how much I’d come to enjoy those dinnertime tales and the goofy junior high antics.

But because my daughter embraced so fully the privileges of being “top dog” in her school, she had what I think was one of the best years ever. Because this year had been about more than just the lessons in the classroom – it had been about lessons in life and living out loud.

And so despite her warning that it would be sad to leave junior high and stop being one of the big shots, I’ve been blindsided by this transition. I hadn’t expected myself to react this way to my daughter finishing junior high.

Yet what I’m going through is what many others experience at the reaching of a goal (even if it wasn’t mine and even if it was inevitable): post-achievement depression. Marathoners and Olympians go through it. PhD’s face it when they receive their degree and title. And apparently moms of junior high kids can succumb to it.

So when you go after that bucket list (on your own or as a family or in support of a family member who’s tackling a life goal) know that it may be coming – this feeling of sadness. Remind yourself that the day after you accomplish that bucket list dream you may feel a bit hollow. You may find waves of sorrow welling up from your stomach. You may want to weep. And that’s normal. Go ahead and weep for a day.

And then dry off those tears and get ready for the next dream. Junior high is over, but high school is coming.

Photo credit: Graduation by James Almond on Flickr via CC License
*Names changed so my daughter isn’t annoyed at me.

7 Reasons to Write Up Your Family Bucket List This Summer

1. Why not?

You know you have a list rattling around in your brain of things you want to do before your children fly the nest. Why not write it down? You’re more likely to remember the ideas you have if you keep them securely noted somewhere. And you free up your mind from thinking about what you wish you were doing to enjoy what you actually are doing.



2. Capture the excitement.

Think about the mood your family experiences when you’re in the midst of a great vacation. It’s energizing. It’s inspiring. It makes you want to keep doing what you’re doing or return to the place you’ve visited again and again. Timeshare salespeople capitalize on this vacation high to convince you to buy in on their properties. Why not use the same tactic to solicit ideas for future adventures while your family is enjoying one? They’ll be more likely to sign on when they’re pumped up than during the school year doldrums where it’s hard to find energy for much of anything extra.

3. Seize the creative energy.

Good ideas beget even better ideas. That’s the thinking behind brainstorming. Each time you engage in an activity that reminds you of another you’d like to tackle, write it down. You may also find that summer vacation puts more fun opportunities in your path than you’re able to take advantage of. Whenever you have to pass something up that you had hoped to do or see, write it down on your list.

4. Make use of the mental space.

During the school year when you’re juggling many demands on your attention, it can be hard to think straight. But when you have downtime during the summer – whether at home or while away on vacation, your mind has a chance to settle. The free mental capacity allows for better idea generating. Take an afternoon to lie on a hammock or beach chair and allow your mind to drift. See what concepts take shape. Write the best ones on your list.

5. Spend well your family time.

Long car rides, lazy picnics in the park, days spent at the beach or the pool. Summer is full of non-pressured family time. One way to connect with your kids during those occasions is to pick their brains about what else they would like to do together. You could even turn it into an ongoing conversation that you return to in snippets throughout the week. Let “I’ve got another idea” become a catch-phrase in your family.

6.Get a head start on checking off your list.

Sometimes it can be a downer to brainstorm a bucket list when it seems like all of the ideas are out of reach. But if you start by writing down one or two things you already have planned for the summer, you’ll have the satisfaction of hitting a few targets right away . And when opportunities arise to accomplish new goals, you’ll jump at them because you know where they fit into your life’s priorities.

7. Swap out “just okay” for “totally awesome.”

What may seem like a great idea to us, the parents, may not appeal as much to our kids. Giving them the chance to share what excites them most may reveal alternatives to our summer plans. After all, wouldn’t you much rather have some totally awesome experiences together than keep dragging your kids on “just okay” excursions? You’ll get a better sense too of which ideas fit the ages of your kids and which ones need to wait a year or two when you talk about ideas together.

Question: when was the last time you brainstormed bucket list ideas with your family? Which of these reasons is the most compelling to you, in terms of having the desire to put your family dreams down on paper?

Learn more about bucket lists for families in my new e-book Family Bucket Lists.

Photo credit: “Crossing off a 3rd item on the list” by Kyle Clements on Flickr via CC License

Now Available: Family Bucket Lists e-book

Today marks the official launch of the Family Bucket Lists e-book. I plan to celebrate all week long with some fun online events – including offering a free printable download of family night/dinnertime questions for brainstorming your family’s bucket list when you purchase the e-book.

Here’s where you can find me and Family Bucket Lists this week (more events will be added as details become available, so check back often):

Monday, May 13th

I’m over at Christina Katz (The Writer Mama)’s blog as part of her Every-Day-In-May-Book-Giveaway. She has been highlighting some great women authors all month. And today, in recognition of my book launch, she’s featuring me and Family Bucket Lists. Come on over, learn more about me and my book and leave your answer to her thought-provoking question for your chance to win one of three copies of the e-book being given away.

Tuesday, May 14th

Friend and fellow Redbud Writer, Connie Jakab, will be featuring Family Bucket Lists on her blog, Culture Rebel. Stop on by!

If you’re looking for a way to galvanize your family around a common cause, to celebrate accomplishments in big and small ways, to honor the unique dreams and goals of every person in your family – get your copy of Family Bucket Lists today. You can begin making dreams a reality every day.

And while you’re here, leave a comment telling me one thing on your personal bucket list that you hope to accomplish in the next year.

 

Coming on May 13th: Family Bucket Lists, the e-book

What is on your bucket list? Where do you want to go? What do you want to see? How do you want to spend the years before your children grow up?

Answering those questions can be both exhilarating and perplexing. It’s fun to think of all the exploits we’d like to undertake in our lifetime. But it can be difficult to see how to make them happen, particularly in the midst of a busy family life.

Family Bucket Lists e-book. Launching Monday, May 13th

The new e-book, Family Bucket Lists, helps parents bring the concept of life dreams to bear in a way that is doable and fruitful for family life. This e-book asks more than the standard questions in a way that encourages readers to put into play their own bucket lists and invite their family to bond together over a shared list of goals and dreams.

In Family Bucket Lists, you will receive step-by-step guidelines for creating and implementing authentic lists of life dreams that inspire action, adventure, and teamwork.

I’m convinced your family will benefit from sharing the bucket list life. You’ll discover new things about yourself and each other. You’ll develop a lively family identity. You’ll build a habit of living in expectation of adventure. You’ll learn to separate your desires from your children’s. And you’ll create an environment that encourages everyone to take appropriate risks that stretch and challenge them.

You can learn more about the e-book and see what others are saying here. I hope you’ll join me next week for some fun launch week activities (including giveaways). Look for details on this blog on Launch Day, Monday, May 13th.

The Best Question to Ask Your Mom This Mother’s Day

What would make Mom’s day? If you’re in the midst of shopping and preparing for Mother’s Day, that question is probably on your mind. And maybe you’ve even asked the mom in your life that question directly (or had it asked of you). But asking that question doesn’t always make the celebration any easier. Often we get stuck in the rut of following the clichés. Flowers. Perfume. Breakfast in bed or brunch at a hotel. Those might all be nice, yet it’s hard not to think that mom occasionally deserves something better. Getting to what would be better, or best, is the challenge.

So what if you asked a different question instead? What if you asked your mom (or grandmother or mother-in-law) this question: what is one thing you’ve dreamed of doing, but haven’t done yet?

A friend told me that she recently asked her own mom, who is widowed and feeling the effects of age, that very question. She’s eager to hear the answer and actually gave her mother a deadline because she wants the opportunity to give her mom the gift of a dream come true. I’m interested to hear what comes of that – for both of them.

I’m not suggesting that everyone needs to break their Mother’s Day budget on an extravagant gift. But I do think that even the act of asking that question and then attentively listening to the answer could be a great gift to both you and your mom (and I also think it is an excellent question to be asking of fathers too, when their day comes).

Or ask her a question about her dreams in the past: what did you want most to do when you were a kid, or a teenager, or before you had kids? Moms lead complex lives, but we often see them in only one dimension – as “Mom.” Asking this question provides an opportunity for Mom to reminisce and share about herself as a whole person. You may learn something new about her. You may come to appreciate her in a new way. And she will appreciate being given the attention and chance to share her stories.

Asking Mom about her dreams, and listening to her answers, can be a powerful way to show you love her. And it just might inspire a gift for Mother’s Day, whether it’s in time for this year or next.

 

Family Bucket Lists: Forming a lively family identity (Reason #4 to Make Yours)

“All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.”

As my husband read those lines and closed the pages of C.S. Lewis’s book The Last Battle, I sniffed back a tear and rubbed my cheek against the top of my daughter’s head. All three girls snuggled with us a little longer, holding onto the hush before hustling off to bed. With the end of that book, the last in The Chronicles of Narnia series, we closed several years of family read-alouds. Between listening to my husband’s unique vocal cadences and tossing around thoughts in response to the questions from the companion guide, Roar, we had developed a comfortable routine that stayed with us through all seven books and across seasons and miles of road trips and family nights. Who would we be now without Aslan and Narnia?

Even so, we tucked our kids in bed that night with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. We did it! We reached our family goal of reading together through all the Chronicles, from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe through The Last Battle. We had the bittersweet victory of checking that one off of our family bucket list! And we had all been changed and defined by the experience.

While individual bucket lists reflect each family member and reveal new pieces of his or her identity, the act of sharing those lists creates a new identity for our family. And more importantly, the family bucket list we create together reflects a new identity we are moving toward.

As we try fresh ventures and visit unfamiliar places, chances are we will discover some things worth repeating. We may establish a new family vacation spot we return to each year. We may take up a different family pastime. We may journey long and slow toward a larger goal that spans years and miles and shapes our daily routines. These adventures become part of our family’s identity.

Recognizing what we want to see and do with our children while they still reside in our homes draws out our hopes for what family means to us. It encourages us to express what we want our family life to look like. We receive the opportunity to clarify aspects of our family identity as we list out who we want to be together.

The bonus? Because of the active nature of bucket list living, we will actually become who we declared we want to be. We will seek out ways to do and be what others often only think of doing and being. That identity we desire will travel from page to life.

While our family has closed the book on The Chronicles of Narnia, our own story is far from over. Our girls will always reminisce with a bit of joy and tenderness over those years spent listening to Dad read Lewis’s tales. But that shared experience and the rich symbolism from those stories travel with all of us into each new adventure we undertake. We remain defined by the Narnia years and the things we learned together from those pages. And that’s worth so much more than a mere check mark on a list of things to achieve.

Family Bucket Lists: Living in expectation of adventure (Reason #3 to Make Yours)

A ping from the plane’s loudspeakers roused me from my book. Out the window I could see the green furrowed squares of farmland and unfamiliar tan slopes of flint hills. We were over Kansas and almost to our destination.

‘This is Kansas,’ I told myself, eyes scanning the view outside in disbelief. I knew I wouldn’t absorb the reality of this adventure until my feet touched the flint-pocked ground themselves (yes, even places like Kansas can be an adventure).

I embarked last Friday morning on an experience of two firsts: my first time traveling out of state to speak to a group and my first time leading a retreat. It was an adventure on both counts. The excitement began for me before I packed my bags and lasted after I’d said goodbye to the last retreat guest. In fact, I continue marveling that the trip ever transpired.

And yet, I was ready for it. When the invitation came from a college roommate to speak at a women’s retreat, I didn’t hesitate to say yes because I already knew I wanted to do it. It was a role I waited to fill. It was, in one respect, part of my bucket list.

Bucket list living brings out the adventurer in even the most timid person. Creating and then incorporating your list of life wishes into ordinary moments means waking up with the sense that this could be the day adventure arrives. And when a family follows this lifestyle together, the odds increase that something interesting will happen on any given day. Because everyone continually moves toward another dream-come-true. This is the case, even if the pace of movement is imperceptible.

When your family creates their bucket lists, you will find each person becoming watchful and expectant for those opportunities. Decisions regarding what to do, where to go, and how to spend your free time will be guided by thoughts of how bucket lists could come into play. The atmosphere in your home will crackle with anticipation.

Over time some opportunities will be mapped out on your calendar and you will live in focused expectation of those events. Instead of slapping your forehead over a missed chance to meet the favorite sports star that came through your town, you will make note of the date and begin a countdown with great anticipation. Instead of watching with mouths agape as others leap at grand adventures you hoped for, you will be grabbing their hands and leaping together.

The beauty of bucket list living, even when you hope for it, plan for it, wait for it, is that you will still have that moment when, in the midst of the adventure you have to repeat to yourself, “This is real. I am living this.” Plan on pinching yourself often. Creating family bucket lists means living in expectation, and awe, of the adventure.

Photo credit: Flint Hills National Scenic Byway by TravelKS on Flickr via CC License