Neil Simon > Quotes

“Don't listen to those who say, you are taking too big a chance. Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most important, don't listen when the little voice of fear inside you rears its ugly head and says "They are all smarter than you out there. They're more talented, they're taller, blonder, prettier, luckier, and they have connections." I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you'll be a person worthy of your own respects.”
― Neil Simon

“I LOVE living, I have some problems with my LIFE, but living is the best thing they've come up with so far.”
― Neil Simon

“When its 100 degrees in New York, it's 72 in Los Angeles. When its 30 degrees in New York, in Los Angeles it's still 72. However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles.”
― Neil Simon

“Never underestimate the stimulation of eccentricity.”
― Neil Simon

“If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven't been born yet.”
― Neil Simon

“Never have so many given so much for so long for so little for so few for so seldom.”
― Neil Simon, Laughter on the 23rd Floor

“You're a witness. You're always standing around watching what's happening, scribbling in your book what other people do. You have to get in the middle of it. You have to take sides. Make a contribution to the fight. Any fight. The one you believe in. Until you do, you'll never be a writer, Eugene.”
― Neil Simon

“Sure it hurts, but if you love someone, you forgive them." Blanche
Somethings you forgive, somethings you never forgive." Kate”
― Neil Simon, Brighton Beach Memoirs

“Writing is an escape from a world that crowds me. I like being alone in a room. It's almost a form of medication- an investigation of my own life. It has nothing to do with "I've got to get another play”
― Neil Simon

“I don't like to see Shakespeare in a theater. I like to see Shakespeare in the park.”
― Neil Simon, 45 Seconds from Broadway

“Writing is an escape from a world that crowds me. I like being alone in a room. It's almost a form of medication- an investugation of my own life. It has nothing to do with "I've got to get another play2”
― Neil Simon

“[Y]ou're young. Young takes care of everything.”
― Neil Simon, Proposals

“I got brown sandwiches and green sandwiches. It's either very new cheese or very old meat. - Oscar Madison, from The Odd Couple”
― Neil Simon, The Odd Couple - A Comedy in Three Acts

“A writer without confidence is like a metaphor without something to compare itself to.”
― Neil Simon

“I'm getting chest pains...You give me chest pains Uncle Willie.
It's my fault you get excited.
Yes, it's your fault! I only get chest pains on Wednesdays.
So come on Tuesdays.”
― Neil Simon, The Sunshine Boys

“You like a cracker?
What kind of cracker?
Graham, chocolate, cocoanut, whatever you want.
Maybe just a plain cracker.
I don't have plain crackers. I got graham, chocolate and cocoanut.
Alright, a graham cracker.
They're in the kitchen, in the closet.
Maybe later.”
― Neil Simon, The Sunshine Boys

“Wow, this is so great. Snow in New York, isn't it romantic?

Only if you love empty theaters.”
― Neil Simon, 45 Seconds from Broadway

“Don't listen to those who say, you are taking too big a chance. Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most important, don't listen when the little voice of fear inside you rears its ugly head ...”
― Neil Simon

“It was a limited engagement. When they stop coming, I limit the engagement.”
― Neil Simon, 45 Seconds from Broadway

“I find that the writing of a memoir has two functions. One is to pass on, as much as you’re willing to tell, the fact’s and deeds of your life to those who might be at all interested. The other function is to discover a truth about yourself that you never had either the time or the courage to face before. You will never investigate yourself as vehemently as you do when you put one word after another, one thought after another, one revelation after another, in the pages that make up your memoirs, and you will suddenly realize the person you are instead of the person you thought you were. To force memory is to open yourself up to that which you have chosen to forget. It’s your RASHOMON. You begin to see all the different sides of your own story.”
― Neil Simon, The Play Goes On

“Evan Handler's new book is simply wonderful. He pulls you inside his life, and you come out his very close friend.”
― Neil Simon, Brighton Beach Memoirs

“Nothin’ sweeter than danger, boys, am I right?”
― Neil Simon, Lost in Yonkers

“Oh, well this month we're sold out. Completely. You could go all over town, you won't find a ticket to the show... Unless you go to the box office. He's got racks of seats.”
― Neil Simon, 45 Seconds from Broadway

“OSCAR. (With a pointing finger.) I'm warning you. You want to live here, I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear you and I don't want to smell your cooking. Now get this spaghetti off my poker table.
FELIX. Ha! Haha!
OSCAR. What the hell's so funny?
FELIX. It's not spaghetti. It's linguini!
(OSCAR picks up the plate of linguini, crosses to the doorway, and hurls it into the kitchen.)
OSCAR. Now it's garbage!”
― Neil Simon, The Odd Couple - A Comedy in Three Acts

“It's amazing how flabby you get when you're happy.”
― Neil Simon

“OSCAR. (Sitting at table.) My friend Murray the Cop is right. Let's just play cards. And please hold them up, I can't see where I marked them.”
― Neil Simon, The Odd Couple - A Comedy in Three Acts

“But you'll see producers and theatre owners with a billion dollars worth of theaters come in here for lunch and you know why? Because it's cheap. You see those pictures on the wall? All young actors and actresses who you will never hear about in your life... And when 'dis place is gone, the entire Broadway will slide into the East River.”
― Neil Simon, 45 Seconds from Broadway

“FELIX. I can’t stand it, Oscar. I hate me. Oh, boy, do I hate me.
OSCAR. You don’t hate you. You love you. You think no one has problems like you.
FELIX. Don’t give me that analyst jazz. I happen to know I hate my guts.
OSCAR. Come on, Felix; I’ve never seen anyone so in love.
FELIX. (Hurt) I thought you were my friend.
OSCAR. That’s why I can talk to you like this. Because I love you almost as much as you do.”
― Neil Simon, The Odd Couple - A Comedy in Three Acts

“MOTHER. [...] Mr. Velasco . . . Where are my clothes?
VELASCO. Your clothes . . . ? Oh, yes . . . (He takes a piece of paper out of his pocket) Here. (He gives it to her)
MOTHER. I’m sure I wore more than that.
VELASCO. It’s a cleaning ticket. They’re sending them up at six o’clock.
MOTHER. (Taking the ticket) Oh, they’re at the cleaner’s. . . (After a moment’s hesitation) When did I take them off?
VELASCO. You didn’t . . . You were drenched and out cold. Gonzales took them off.
MOTHER. (Shocked) Mr. Gonzales??
VELASCO. Not Mister! . . . Doctor Gonzales!
MOTHER. (Relieved) Doctor . . . Oh, Doctor Gonzales. . . Well, I suppose that’s all right. How convenient to have an M.D. in the building.
VELASCO. (Laughing) He’s not an M.D. He’s a Doctor of Philosophy.”
― Neil Simon, Barefoot in the Park: A Comedy in Three Acts

“Did you ever see Pearl's family album? There are no pictures of me as a boy. I skipped right over it. Thousands of pictures of you on bicycles, on ponies, in barber chairs...one picture of me in a 1938 Buick. I looked like Herbert Hoover.”
― Neil Simon, PRISONER OF 2ND AVENUE