Good Inside Quotes

“the wider the range of feelings we can name and tolerate in our kids (again, this doesn’t mean behaviors), the wider the range of feelings they will be able to manage safely, affording them an increased ability to feel at home with themselves.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“What made my distressing feelings build up so much that they came exploding out of me in such a big way? And how could I strengthen my ability to cope with frustration and not-good-enough feelings so that I could regulate these tough emotions the next time they came up?”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Understanding that we're all good inside is what allows you to distinguish a person (your child) from a behavior (rudeness, hitting, saying, "I hate you"). Differentiating who someone is from what they do is key to creating interventions that preserve your relationship while also leading to impactful change.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Convincing is an attempt to be “right” and, as a result, make the other person “wrong.” It rests on the assumption that there is only one correct viewpoint. When we seek to convince someone, we essentially say, “You’re wrong. You are mis-perceiving, mis-remembering, mis-feeling, mis-experiencing. Let me explain to you why I am correct and then you’ll see the light and”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Understanding that we're all good inside is what allows you to distinguish a person (your child) from a behavior (rudeness, hitting, saying, "I hate you"). Differentiating who someone is from what they do is key to creating interventions that preserve your relationship while also leading to impactful change.”
― Dr Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“them. This”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside

“Say you’re sorry, share your reflections with your child—restating your memory of what happened, so your kid knows it wasn’t all in his head—and then say what you wish you had done differently and what you plan to do differently now and in the future. It’s important to take ownership over your role (“Mommy was having big feelings that came out in a yelling voice. Those were my feelings and it’s my job to work on managing them better. It’s never your fault when I yell and it’s not your job to figure out how I can stay calmer. I love you”) instead of insinuating that your child “made you” react in a certain way. And remember: as a parent, you are your child’s role model. When your child sees you as a work in progress, he learns that he, too, can learn from his struggles and take responsibility when he acts in a way he isn’t proud of.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“We don’t have to train them to be kind. We have to help them manage some of the barriers to kindness”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“What is my most generous interpretation (MGI) of my child’s behavior? What was going on for my child in that moment? What was my child feeling right before that behavior emerged? What urge did my child have a hard time regulating? What is a parallel situation in my life? And if I did something similar, what might I have been struggling with in that moment?”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“If we want our kids to develop frustration tolerance, we have to develop tolerance for their frustration.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Bad behavior comes from dysregulated feelings that we cannot manage.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“When your child sees you as a work in progress, he learns that he, too, can learn from his struggles and take responsibility when he acts in a way he isn’t proud of.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Mommy was having big feelings that came out in a yelling voice. Those were my feelings and it’s my job to work on managing them better. It’s never your fault when I yell and it’s not your job to figure out how I can stay calmer. I love you”) instead”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“when we have kids, we are confronted with so many truths about ourselves, our childhoods, and our relationships with our families of origin. And while we can use this information to learn and unlearn, break cycles, and heal, we have to do this work while also caring for our kids, managing tantrums, getting by on limited sleep, and feeling depleted.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“And it’s also not too late for you. It’s not too late for you to consider what parts of yourself are in need of repair and reconnection; as adults, we can work on rewiring ourselves and changing the trajectory of our own development. It is not too late. It’s never ever ever too late.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“You have your brave self, your anxious self, your confident self, your deferential self. You are multifaceted, not any one thing. And none of these parts are bad or worse than or superior to another—you are the sum of all of them, and the more comfortable you are when any of these parts “acts up,” the more at home you’ll be with yourself across a variety of situations. Our confidence and sturdiness and sense of self depend on our ability to understand this. When we feel overwhelmed and become reactive, it’s almost always because one part of us has essentially taken over; we lose track of our identity and instead “become” these feelings. The language of “parts” allows us to articulate, internally and externally, our conflicting—or at least coexisting—emotions: to feel grounded while experiencing distress, to feel centered while also being conflicted, to have angry thoughts while knowing we are a good person.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“There’s a deep and critical paradox here: The more we can rely on a parent, the more curious and explorative we can be.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Feeling satisfied with oneself, tolerant of failure, firm in boundaries, capable of self-advocacy, and connected with others . . . all of these important adult dynamics come from our early wiring. The first years of life set the stage for the next hundred.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“the way parents interact with kids in their early years forms the blueprint they take with them into the world.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Our kids should not dictate our boundaries and we should not dictate their feelings.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Child: “I hate you! You’re the worst!” Parent: Takes a deep breath. Says to self, “My child is upset inside. His outside behavior is not a true indication of how he feels about me. He’s a good kid having a hard time.” Then says aloud: “I do not appreciate that language . . . you must be really upset, maybe about some other things too, to be talking to me like this. I need a moment to calm my body . . . maybe you do too . . . then let’s talk.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“You don’t have to choose between firm decisions and loving validation.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“We don’t have to choose between two supposedly oppositional realities. We can avoid punishment and see improved behavior, we can parent with a firm set of expectations and still be playful, we can create and enforce boundaries and show our love, we can take care of ourselves and our children. And similarly, we can do what’s right for our family and our kids can be upset; we can say no and care about our kids’ disappointment.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“If we want our kids to have true self-confidence and to feel good about themselves, we need to reflect back to our kids that they are good inside, even as they struggle on the outside.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Self-regulation skills rely on the ability to recognize internal experience, so by focusing on what’s inside rather than what’s outside, we are building in our children the foundation of healthy coping.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Underneath “bad behavior” is always a good child. And yet, when parents chronically shut down a behavior harshly without recognizing the good kid underneath, a child internalizes that they are bad. And badness has to be shut down at all costs, so a child develops methods, including harsh self-talk, to chastise himself, as a way of killing off the “bad kid” parts and instead finding the “good kid” ones—meaning the parts that get approval and connection.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“But our early years are especially powerful, because our bodies are beginning to wire how we think about and respond to difficult moments, based on how our parents think about and respond to us in our difficult moments.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“our goal is not to shape behavior. Our goal is to raise humans.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“You will not see me recommend time-outs, sticker charts, punishments, rewards, or ignoring as a response to challenging behaviors. What do I recommend? First and foremost, an understanding that behaviors are only the tip of the iceberg, and that below the surface is a child’s entire internal world, just begging to be understood.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be