Love All the People Quotes

“Fundamentalist Christianity: fascinating. These people actually believe that the world is twelve thousand years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

"Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages? Twelve thousand years."
"Well, how fucking scientific, OK. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there. That's good. You believe the world's twelve thousand years old?"
"That's right."
"OK, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?"
"Uh huh."
"Dinosaurs."

You know, the world's twelve thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and existed in that time, you'd think it would been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point:

And O, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in its paw. And the disciples did run a-screamin'. "What a big fucking lizard, Lord!"
"I'm sure gonna mention this in my book," Luke said.
"Well, I'm sure gonna mention it in my book," Matthew said.
But Jesus was unafraid. And he took the splinter from the brontosaurus paw, and the brontosaurus became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch, O so many years, attracting fat American families with their fat fuckin' dollars to look for the Loch Ness Monster. And O the Scots did praise the Lord: "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"

Twelve thousand years old. But I actually asked this guy, "OK, dinosaur fossils-- how does that fit into your scheme of life? What's the deal?" He goes:

"God put those here to test our faith."
"I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. I think I've figured this out."

Does that-- That's what this guy said. Does that bother anyone here? The idea that God might be fucking with our heads? Anyone have trouble sleeping restfully with that thought in their head? God's running around burying fossils: "Ho ho! We'll see who believes in me now, ha ha! I'm a prankster God. I am killing me, ho ho ho!" You know? You die, you go to St. Peter:

"Did you believe in dinosaurs?"
"Well, yeah. There were fossils everywhere. (trapdoor opens) Aaaaarhhh!"
"You fuckin' idiot! Flying lizards? You're a moron. God was fuckin' with you!"
"It seemed so plausible, aaaaaahh!"
"Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!"

They believe this. But you ever notice how people who believe in Creationism usually look pretty unevolved. Eyes really close together, big furry hands and feet? "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

Such a weird belief. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a fucking cross, man? "Ow." Might be why he hasn't shown up yet.

"Man, they're still wearing crosses. Fuck it, I'm not goin' back, Dad. No, they totally missed the point. When they start wearing fishes, I might show up again, but... let me bury fossils with you, Dad. Fuck 'em, let's fuck with 'em! Hand me that brontosaurus head, Dad.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“...I just want to be free of the fears and anxieties and the superstitions of religion. An 'avenging GOD'? One who created Hell for those who don't believe? I thought we were the perfect and holy children of GOD? How could any limits possibly be put upon us? Hell.. really? I'm sorry, but... no. Wrong. You're wrong. That's an insane GOD and therefore not mine. Because, see, GOD would be very sane, don't you get it?”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“I believe everyone has this fuckin' poem in his heart.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“It is, and has been, and will forever be, this world of ours, a fucking joke.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“She was a southern girl, which is the same as saying she was insane. All southern women are insane. Some are cold blooded killers and some are harmless eccentrics, but the best of the breed exhibit both of these characteristics and always the one you expect the least at the time you least expect it.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception, so that I may know only reality.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“You see, Jung had this idea of a Collective Unconscious which mankind shared... and I agree. But! I think this Collective Mind is supposed to be conscious, not unconscious! And that is our job as the Agents of Evolution to enlighten - to bring light into the dark corners of that Netherworld and thus awaken our Mind to Truth and complete the circle that was broken with the dream of our fall from Grace.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“She was a southern girl, which is the same as saying she was insane.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“Do you think magic mushrooms growing atop cow shit was an accident? Where do you think the phrase, ‘that’s good shit’ came from? Why do you think Hindus think cows are holy? Holy shit!”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“I have no illusions that I, by myself, pose any threat to the current status quo. They, who have effectively neutered and marginalized the population so greatly, that a coffee-table book of Madonna’s twat constitutes a greater threat in Americans’ minds than does a 150-billion-dollar defense budget during peacetime (more on Madonna’s twat later.)...
...For all the lip service being paid by our candidates for the need to change, it looks like Business As Usual here in America. So, who am I supporting? Which candidate best represents my interests? As for me, I’m voting for Madonna’s twat.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind’s sole purpose on this planet.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“But we’ve got to have an enemy. Rock? Drugs? We’re so miserable, what’s the enemy? Got it. Pornography, that’s it. Yeeeeah, tremor through the room. Uh . . . the problem with pornography, basically, is this. No one knows what it is. Other than that, we’ve got a real good grasp on the situation. We know it’s bad, we just can’t figure out what the fuck it is. The Supreme Court says pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts. That’s their definition. No artistic merit. Causes sexual thoughts. Hmmmmm. Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“And I’ve got something else to say to those people who say, ‘I’m offended’, like some five-year-old child throwing a tantrum. Ready? There are a lot of things in life that are offensive, life itself can be offensive, I myself have a large list of things that offend me . . . So what!? Grow the fuck up! We now live in the ‘Age of being offended.’ Get over it. Perhaps a little open-mindedness, tolerance, and acceptance may be the antidote to what ails you. Try it and see if your load isn’t lifted just a bit. See if your pinched face of fear doesn’t relax a tad.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“Seeing as how there are so many different beliefs in the world, and as it would be virtually impossible for all of us to agree on any one belief, you may begin to realize just how important an idea like ‘freedom of speech’ really is. The idea basically states ‘while I don’t agree or care for what you are saying, I do support your right to say it, for herein lies true freedom.’You say you found my material ‘offensive’ and ‘blasphemous’. I find it interesting that you feel your beliefs are denigrated or threatened when I’d be willing to bet you’ve never received a single letter complaining about your beliefs, or asking why they are allowed to be.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“Worshipping Elvis seems to be an excuse for Americans to be fat and stupid.‘Probably probably, they love vulgarity. Look at McDonald’s”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“why are you reading”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“The next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“The thing is, that most of the people in Congress want us to think that every problem is so unsolvable. They just gloss over them and make us think that sometime in the ‘near’ distant future they will be resolved. So the people just think to themselves, ‘Who knows better than this guy, I guess?”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“Don’t you find it ironic at all, that television pushes beer (alcohol, the number two killer drug in the world) down our throats twenty-four hours a day, with beautiful half-naked women and the promise of ‘freedom and infinite sex appeal’, while also maintaining a division of their corporate empire called ‘Standards and Practices’? Exactly what Standards are you practising. I’ve even seen these commercials during ‘in depth’ reports on the war against drugs.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“The artist always plays to himself, and I believe the audience seeing that one person can be free to express his thoughts, however strange they may seem, inspires the audience to feel that perhaps they too can freely express their innermost thoughts with impunity, joy, and release, and perhaps discover our common bond – unique yet so similar – with each other. This philosophy may appear at first to some as selfish – ‘I play to me and do material that interests and cracks me up.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“The reason the world’s so fucked up is we’re undergoing evolution. And the reason our institutions, our traditional religions are all crumbling is because they’re no longer relevant”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“I’m a producer. I never knew it was that easy. All these years I been trying to write scripts and characters and plots and stories that had meaning. ‘Will there be titty?’ Sure. Boom! I’m a . . . I’m a producer now. ‘Where’ve you been all our life, boy? We been lookin’ for you in Hollywood. What are these titties gonna do? Jiggle? You’re a fuckin’ genius. Give him another cheque. I can’t write enough cheques for you. You’ve answered our prayers in Hollywood. Jiggling titties, who would have thunk of it?”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“the problem with this country. Ah, one of them. There are many. But this whole issue of sexuality and pornography, which I don’t understand what pornography is, I really don’t. To me pornography is, you know, spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons. That’s pornographic to me.”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“Everyone is hawking products. That’s like the highest thing you can achieve now, isn’t it? Become some barker. Sinatra hawks beer; he doesn’t have enough money, does he?”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines

“Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There’s no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we’re the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.’ ‘Wow! Did you see the news?”
― Bill Hicks, Love All the People