The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists Quotes

“Here's your first problem," he said, pointing at a sentence. "'Religion is the opium of the people.' Well, I don't know about people, but I think you'll find that the opium of pirates is actual opium.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists

“Don't listen to people telling you that getting up early is best. René Descartes is one of history's most important philosophers, but he rarely got out of bed before noon - and when he started getting up early for a new job as a private tutor, it caused him to catch pneumonia and die.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! in an Adventure with Communists

“Hello, comrades,’ said Engels.

‘Hello, Engels,’ replied the communists.

‘Any capitalist spies in tonight?’

A few men with stuck-on beards waved.

‘Would you mind leaving?’ asked Engels politely. ‘We’ve nothing to hide, it’s just that there aren’t enough chairs and some real communists are having to stand at the back. Thanks.’

The spies left cheerfully, and Engels pressed on.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists

“Everybody clapped enthusiastically and Dr. Marx popped up from behind the podium, where he had been hiding all along. He was the hairiest man the pirates had ever seen. Several of the crew were actually worried for a moment that the Seaweed That Walked Like a Man had returned from one of their previous adventures to ambush them. His nose was hairy. His forehead was hairy. Even his hands were hairy. And his beard was a great bushy black number, which looked like he had sellotaped a bunch of cats to the bottom of his face and then frightened them with a loud noise.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists

“The denounced communists stood and trudged miserably out of the room, while the rest of the audience tutted loudly to show their disapproval of such backsliders. Engels waited patiently and resumed in a slightly deeper, more portentous voice.

‘Sshhhh. Can you hear that sound? Listen very carefully. That’s the sound of the ruling classes trembling at the threat of communistic revolution. So please allow me to introduce the terror of the bourgeois, the hobgoblin stalking Europe, the nightmare of greedy capitalists everywhere . . . without further ado . . . it’s Dr Karl Marx!”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists

“Soho wasn’t the most salubrious part of ­Victorian London, but what it lacked in top-hatted gentlemen and women in crinolines it more than made up for with cholera, hollow-eyed beggars and plenty of infant death.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists

“Oh, bother. I thought we could go to the opera,’ said the pirate with long legs. ‘I’m told this Wagner thing is brilliant.’

‘I’d rather stay on the boat and knock nails into my head,’ said the Pirate Captain sternly.

He paused to watch some children sailing toy boats on the lake. Then he kicked at a stone and gave a little cheer when it hit and sank one of them.

‘I know that seemed a little harsh,’ the Captain said, catching the looks some of his men were giving him, ‘but think of it as maintaining my image. In today’s fickle media climate I can’t risk becoming yesterday’s notorious buccaneer. There are thousands of aspiring pirate captains out there.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists

“Soon the Pirate Captain was strolling through Hyde Park telling his crew all about life on the inside.

‘You have to survive on your wits, really. Especially a good-looking fellow like myself. There was a real risk I could have been traded around by my cell mate for a packet of cigarettes. And it’s important not to drop the soap. Though having said that, I’ll miss the camaraderie. Taking new prisoners under your wing, showing them the ropes, that kind of thing.’

‘We’re very glad you’re free again,’ said the pirate with a scarf.

‘Yes. Freedom. Difficult to adjust to that.’ The Captain furrowed his brow and did his best thousand-yard stare. ‘I hope I haven’t become institutionalised.’

‘I think it takes longer than half an hour to become institutionalised, Pirate Captain.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists

“The Pirate Captain found himself thinking back to an earlier adventure with Freemasons, and a little plan formed in his piratical brain.

‘Goodness me, a bit hot in here, isn’t it? Don’t mind if I loosen these clothes a little?’ he said, pulling open his coat and starting to unbutton his shirt. ‘Oh look, there’s my nipple,’ he added, licking his finger, winking conspiratorially at the policeman and rubbing his hairy chest a bit for good measure. The policeman just frowned, and the Pirate Captain suddenly remembered that he might have been confusing his adventure with Freemasons with his adventure with pole dancers. He sheepishly did his shirt back up.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists

“The Pirate Captain sat on a bare wooden bunk in a police cell. Through the single small window, he watched a tired-looking monkey pull a rotating triangular sign that said ‘Scotland Yard’ around and around outside. Annoyingly, no tiny bird landed on the window sill, because if one had, the Captain had a great speech worked out about how the bird should fly away and be free, whilst he languished there for ever. How long, he wondered, had he already been held like this? Days? Weeks? Months? He looked at his fingernails to see if their length gave him any clue.9 Then he remembered that his pocket watch was probably a bit more accurate than fingernails, so he looked at that instead. He was a little disappointed to see that so far it had only been fifteen minutes. Just as he was about to make a start on some sort of sad ballad, the gaol door swung open and in walked a policeman.

‘About time!’ exclaimed the Pirate Captain, leaping to his feet and pulling an indignant face. ‘Honestly, I’m appalled. Treating a harmless French schoolteacher like this. It could cause a diplomatic incident between our two countries. We might cut off your supply of fancy French sauces. Then where will you be?”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists

“The Pirate Captain sighed. ‘You realise the problem of course? No disguise can hide my natural nautical charm.’

‘Possibly that’s it,’ said the pirate with a scarf, sounding a bit uncertain.

‘The only really strange thing is that I’ve been in the pirating business as long as I have and it’s only now I’m being afforded the recognition I deserve. But don’t worry, I’m not going to let fame change me. I’ll still be the humble, modest figure you’ve all grown to love. Except maybe with a nice silver-topped cane. And I might start demanding that from now on you wash my beard only in the tears of a newborn lamb. Actually, make a note of that one, number two.’

The pirate with a scarf dutifully wrote down ‘Lamb’s tears’ in his notebook.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists

“The pirates left the boat in the Thames, next to the Palace of Westminster. They deliberately parked across two disabled spaces, because that kind of behaviour was pretty much the whole point of being a pirate. Back in those days the Thames wasn’t the beautiful crystal-blue colour it is today, and it didn’t have children splashing playfully about on its sandy banks. It was grey and drab and had old shopping carts floating in it. And you couldn’t cup your hands in the river and drink its delicious water like you can now, on account of all the pollution. Pollution came from the factories, because the factories of Victorian times didn’t make iPods and Internets and shiny DVDs – they made large clouds of black smoke, which were sold to countries that didn’t have so much in the way of clouds, like Africa.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists

“I think we have to prioritise, number two,’ said the Captain gravely. ‘It’s all very well wanting luxuries like new sails or portholes with glass in them, but there are also much more pressing necessities. Like me getting a nice new coat.’

‘You only got that coat last week, Captain!’ said Jennifer with a frown. ‘For that pirate conclave in Nassau. I remember because Cut-throat Jenkins had exactly the same design. It was something of a social faux pas.’

‘Ah, but you see, it’s ruined. Probably in last night’s exciting sea battle,’ said the Pirate Captain. He held up the hem of his coat, where a tiny piece of stitching had come loose.

‘It’s only a small tear,’ said the pirate with a scarf. ‘I can mend that in no time. Remember that adventure where we set up a Bond Street fashion house and Black Bellamy had a rival fashion house and we competed in London Fashion Week?’

‘The one where my daring take on traditional tailoring took the fashion world by storm and Black Bellamy cheated by copying the exact same designs and managed to get them on to the catwalk just before we did?’

‘Yes, that’s the one. Anyway, I picked up quite a few sewing skills.’

‘That’s good of you, but I think this damage is beyond repair, number two.’ The Pirate Captain grabbed the bottom of his coat and tore it another foot and a half. ‘See? That could happen at any time. I definitely need a new one. So we’ll stop off in London, give the lads some shore leave and get me a new coat.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists

“I fear it is the end for us,’ wailed Marx as the bears inched closer. ‘Is this the way you saw yourself going. Pirate Captain:

‘In fact,’ said the Captain grumpily, ‘it’s pretty much the exact situation I usually try to cheer myself up with when I’m in a bit of a fix. “At least you’re not about to be eaten by bears and/or fall into a replica volcano,” I tell myself. So now I’ve got to come up with an even worse scenario, which is a nuisance.”
― Gideon Defoe, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Communists