My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon Quotes

“good old days to relieve,”
― Lauren Landish, My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“leads”
― Lauren Landish, My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“If only we could all agree more often, I think wistfully.”
― Lauren Landish, My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“But we both know that whatever comes our way, we'll greet it with a smile and a barely half-formed plan. It's who we are, still spontaneous and slightly crazy but together, no matter what.”
― Lauren Landish, My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“Are they leaving to have sex?" Ross makes a gagging sound as if he can't fathom his sister having sex, much less fucking me in the elevator, which feels like a very real possibility.

I wonder if there are security cameras there too?

"More likely to find the closest Justice of the Peace," Courtney answers. I recognize her and her husband, Kaede, from the wedding when I first met Abigail. And I like the way she thinks.

If I put a ring on Abigail's finger and my cock inside her, I could stop her from ever leaving me again. The idea has merit.”
― Lauren Landish, My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“But it's my dad who truly saves me.

He doesn't even put his fork down, make a face, break a sweat, or throw things ... all things I've done in the last several seconds since Emily walked up and nuclear bombed my life.

But Dad is the cloth we're all cut from and has perfected his skills around boardroom tables we can only dream of one day sitting at, so he coldly demands, "Are you quite finished now, young lady? I was rather enjoying a quiet dinner of celebration with my family before you came up and started spewing your venom all over my chicken marsala. It's obvious you are no friend of Abi's, and therefore, no friend of mine." He makes a shooing motion with his fork, a bit of sauce slinging on Emily's white dress too. "Leave us alone so we can continue to celebrate her good fortune as an artist and as a new bride. And you can go back to enjoying a night away from your new husband too." Dad glances at the table of women who are sitting straight and slack-jawed now. "I'm sure your husband is particularly enjoying the evening away from you."

Whoa! Dad is ... stone-cold brutal. I'm really glad he's on my team.”
― Lauren Landish, My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“Glitter is the herpes of crafting materials. Once you've got it, there's no un-getting it. My apartment's done for. It'll be perpetually covered in gold glitter for the rest of the time I live here no matter how many time I vacuum. I should move out now and forfeit my security deposit.”
― Lauren Landish, My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“I feel like a goddess with my god claiming me for all to see. It might be pretend, it might be fantasy, but fuck, it's hot.”
― Lauren Landish, My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“If you so much as hurt one hair on her head or leave one tiny crack in her heart, I will destroy you. The only thing you're allowed to do is pound her uterus into her ribs if she asks you to."

I blink. "Uh ... is that an American euphemism I don't know? It sounds painful.”
― Lauren Landish, My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“Go to this meeting and be THE Abigail Andrews. Later, you will be mine.”
― Lauren Landish, My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“Lorenzo steps closer, his body a breath away from mine as he whispers, "Trust me?"

I have no idea what he's asking, but I nod because what else am I gonna do? We're about to go to dinner and pretend like we're happy newlyweds with someone who could blow up my entire social circle, and likely my professional life, with a single well-placed word.

Lorenzo walks me backward until my back hits the wall. I gasp, surprised. But he's not done.

"Trust me," he orders softly.

And with that, he picks me to straddle him and slams my back against the door with a thump. It rattles loudly behind me.

"Fuck, Abigail, Quick, mia rosa. Come on my cock before your friends get here or they're going to hear me fucking you deep and hard. I want your cum on me and my cum in you while we sit at this prim and proper dinner, wife."

I gasp, both at his filthy talk and the ridge of his cock pressing against my core.

"Ungh." I can't make words, am barely making incoherent sounds, and Lorenzo lifts one hand from my thigh to hold my head still. He meets my eyes, one of his brows lifted pointedly.

If I couldn't feel his cock, I wouldn't even know what this is doing to him. For all the fire rushing through my body and turning my brain to melted goo, he's clear-eyed and has a plan.

I blink and realize what he's doing.

Emily needs to think we're newlyweds, and what do newlyweds do non-stop? Fuck.

Now that I've caught on, he winks at me and I smile back.

He thrusts against me and I bounce on the door. "Yes, hard ... just like that," I moan.

He grunts, finding a pace that is actually doing a lot for me even though I just came in the shower a bit ago. I'd be embarrassed at the wet heat of my core, but his cock jumps against me. I like that he's carried away too as he dry humps me, only hinting at what we're playacting.

"Take it. Take me, Abigail," he hisses through clenched teeth. Is that for effect or is he holding the reins that tightly?

"Yes, my Italian Stallion!" I cry out, clawing at his shoulders for purchase.

Confusion mars his face as he mouths, "Italian Stallion?"

I shake me head and whisper back, "I don't know, it just came out."

He grins like that's the funniest thing he's ever heard and goes back to thrusting against me with renewed furor. "That's it, mia rosa. Are you going to come for me?"

Oh shit. I am.

Like I am ... for real.

Any sane, rational, reasonable person would tilt their hips and move away from the power of his thrusts to save a little face. Do I? Absolutely not. If anything, I'm humping him back, riding him like the pony at my sixteenth birthday party. Don't laugh ... it was an amazing blowout. Like I'm about to have ...

"Yes, yes. Right there Lorenz-ohh!" He pulls me tight against him, his cock grinding against my clit as he grunts through several short strokes and says something I don't understand in Italian.

Is he? Did he?

As I float back to Earth and realize what just happened, there's another knock on the door. This one is harder and louder. "Hey, Abi! We have reservations, you know?" Emily yells through the wood, literally inches away from where I just loudly came on Lorenzo's cock for real.”
― Lauren Landish, My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“You don't have to do that, you know? Say all that romantic stuff," I tell him, ducking my chin down. "I get it. It's fake. Been there done that with my family, except I'm smart enough to not get caught in the 'feels' trap."

He lifts my chin with his other hand. "I'm Italian. We are romantic. I simply say what I think.”
― Lauren Landish, My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon

“As i take my place at the microphone, a hot flash of nerves spikes, washing away my previous desire in an instant. But I speak from the heart, wishing my sister a lifetime of happiness and threatening her new husband with death and dismemberment if he so much as says one mean word to her. He smiles like I'm kidding, and I slash a line across my throat with my thumb to show that I'm dead serious.”
― Lauren Landish, My Big Fat Fake Honeymoon