The Mane Squeeze Quotes

“Sissy Mae Smith...stumbled into the room loaded down with even more bags. "You pack like a woman," she snarled when she finally dropped the luggage to the floor. "How can one man have so much conditioner?"

His mouth filled with French toast, Mitch pointed at his hair and snarled, "Tawny mane! Do you think this shit stays this beautiful on its own? It needs care and love! Which is more than I'm getting from you!”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Blayne turned her head to look at Gwen, but caught sight of Dee-Ann standing behind them.

"Ahh! Where the hell did you come from?"

"Momma says from the love she shares with my daddy," Dee calmly replied.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Gwen stopped putting her money in the bag. "You're giving your father a picture of a door for his birthday?" And she'd thought Mitch marking up pages in her copy of Vogue and telling her, "This is what I'd get you for your birthday if I had money" had been cheap.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“He’d never been to a wedding at a castle before but it fit the style of the bride, who brought geekiness to a whole new level. In fact, she was the one who’d told him to go. Wait. That wasn’t right. She didn’t tell him to go. She’d told him to, “Make a break for it! Before the
hounds of darkness come for you and destroy our plans to release our people from their enslavement! Go, Lachlan MacRyrie of the Clan MacRyrie. Go! And don’t look back, my friend!” It would seem strange to those who didn’t know her, but Lock knew it was simply Jessica Ward’s way of saying, “Could you look more miserable? Just go already!”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Lock grinned at Gwen. “He’s fun,” he said, reaching out and cuffing Mitch without even looking at him. “He just keeps trying to get back up.” Bam! “It’s great.” Bam! “Like ‘The Little Lion Who Could.’” Bam!”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Whispering against her ear, he confessed, "When I'm really stressed out...I play with my toes."
Gwen leaned back a bit and stared at him. "Seriously?"
"It's really relaxing and very bearlike."
And very weird. And yet..."I'm oddly comforted by this information.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Now listen up, you Navy-loving son of a bitch! If my friend wants that bear, she’s gonna get that bear. And neither hell nor you nor some big-haired, twenty-hour-sleeping king of the idiots is gonna stop me from making sure she gets that bear!”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“What did the cat look like?”

“I don’t know. He was a little thing. Tiny. Lion…I think. You know, the breed with all the hair.”

“Tiny. Right. The world is filled with tiny lion males.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“You’re like seven feet tall, aren’t you?”

“I am not seven feet tall,” he snapped at her as if she’d really insulted him. “I’m six-eleven.” When she smirked in disbelief, he added, “And three-quarters.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Gwen was kind of amazed. A mother with several degrees and a prestigious position at an Ivy League college did not ensure that she’d be any less embarrassing to her child than a mother who became a nurse through night school. Gwen knew this when Alla launched into her “unfortunate changes in my vagina after the birth of Lachlan” discussion.

“No. It was his shoulders. He’s always had very large shoulders. I mean look at him. Even as a baby they were freakishly long.”

“Freakishly?” Lock snapped.

“They stretched me right out.”

“Mom!”

Brody shrugged and reached for more moo goo gai pork. “I didn’t mind.”

“Dad!”

“Well, darling, you were always quite large, so it made things a little easier for both of us when it came to sex.”

“Mom!”

Alla shook her head. “I don’t know what happened to you, Lachlan MacRyrie.” She turned to Gwen. “I’ve always insisted on being quite open about human bodies when talking to my children. There’s no shame in a woman’s body. And like everything else in the world, it ages. So while you still have the exquisite body you’ve been blessed with, Gwen dear, and that prebirth vagina— enjoy it.”

“Is there any way to get you to stop?” Lock begged.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Lock reached for the French toast first, but Ric slapped his hand away and placed a carefully prepared plate in front of him. As Lock waited, Ric went to the counter and returned with a small strainer. He tapped the side, covering the French toast with powdered sugar. Somehow the wolf managed not to get any on Lock’s bacon or sausage. “There. Isn’t that nice?”

“I have to say our relationship is getting stranger and stranger as we get older.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“She uses that shampoo,” he sighed.

“What shampoo?”

“The one with honey in it.”

Ric’s eyes crossed. “Oh, my God.”

“She was sitting in that tree, her leg bleeding out, and all I could think about was how good her hair smelled.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“But remember in tenth grade, when I wanted to go out with that junior and you said, ‘Eh. I don’t think she’s the right girl for you’?”

“She wasn’t.”

“Because she was setting things on fire!” Ric announced loudly, making Gwen burst out laughing and Lock roll his eyes. “I’m serious, Gwen.” Ric went on. “And when I say setting things on fire, I mean entire buildings. Mostly schools. She’d been setting them on fire or trying to, for weeks. I didn’t find out until the cops came and arrested her during gym class. But does he say to me, ‘She’s setting things on fire! She’s crazy! Stay away from her!’ No. He says, ‘Eh. I don’t think she’s the right girl for you.’ And he’s all calm about it over our chocolate pudding in the cafeteria.”

“I don’t see the point of getting hysterical.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“What are you wearing?” Blayne glanced down at the tiny velvet green minidress she wore.

“Jess asked us to be Santa’s helpers tonight.”

“You look like Santa’s whores.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Give her to me.”

Turning away with his prize, Lock shook his head. “No. Get your own cat.”

“She’s my sister.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Gee, is that my broken heart lying on the floor? Yes. Yes, it is.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“She did an excellent job, dear. We have a new water heater now. A waterless water heater. I plan to examine it tomorrow.”

“No!” his entire family said, making him jump.

Even the granddaughter on his lap looked up into his face and said with the solemn wisdom of a four-year-old, “Don’t, Grandpa.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Why was she sitting in a tree?”

“She was hiding from the organ thieves.”

Ric blinked. “Sorry?”

“Do you really want me to explain it?”

“Not particularly.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Hey, hey!” Gwen said excitedly. “Look at this! Look at this!” She extended her arm and gave him the finger.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Exactly! What kind of plumber has pristine nails?”

“A smart one.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Who am I kidding? What am I going to do with a girl like her?”

“We had this talk when we were fourteen. I even brought my brother’s Hustler for visual assistance.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“It was a hate crime.”

Jess looked at Ric and back at Blayne. “You mean they attacked you because you’re bl—”

“A hybrid. Exactly!”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“He opened the front door and Gwen said, “Lock?”

He stopped immediately. “Yeah?” Did he have to sound so eager when he was the one making the decision to go? Damn him! “Uh…could you leave him here? He kind of comes with the place.”

Frowning, Lock glanced down. “Oh, jeez!”

Oh, jeez?

“Sorry about that.” He immediately dropped the lion he’d dragged from the couch to the door, back to the couch, and back to the door. “Habit. Usually I bat my prey around until they stop fighting and drag them off to the brush to…well…you know.” He looked down at Mitch. “Sorry about that…uh…”

“Mitch,” she told him. “Mitch. Right. Sorry about that, Mitch. And nice to meet you.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“While the two females snarled viciously at each other, Ric grabbed a stick from the ground and waved it between Jess and Blayne. “Look! Look! A stick! Who wants it? Who wants it? Go get it!” He threw the stick and Jess and Blayne watched it flip across the forest floor. Once it landed, they looked back at Ric.

“Dude,” Jess told him, “that was just rude.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“I thought it was bad when they made me wear this Jane Austen–suitor outfit, complete with cravat. But you! You look like you just escaped the set of Braveheart.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Dee-Ann came back in the hallway and both men stopped and stared at her. “Just came back to get some water out of the fridge.” When neither man said anything to her, she asked, “Somethin’ wrong?”

Ric stepped forward. “How many children do you want?”

Lock grabbed Ric by his hair and yanked him back, slamming him into the front door. “Ow!”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Attacking someone without warning for something they did weeks before? Check. Ready to turn a simple breed dispute into something far uglier with the razor blade she kept on her at all times? Check. Using blood as a weapon of rudeness? Check. Threatening death? Check. Attacking a helpful stranger or friend? Check. Kissing a helpful stranger or friend without warning or permission? Check.

Yeah, it only took Gwen six weeks to become her mother.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“if I were you, I wouldn’t try and track her down.”

“Why not?”

“Because when it comes to Dee, you’re better off not knowing where she’s going or what she’s up to. You’ll only have to lie to the authorities later.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Do you want to come inside for a drink?” she softly offered.

“No. No. No, no, no, no. No.”

Gwen stared at him. “One ‘no’ would have been clear.”

“Those ‘no’s’ weren’t for you. They were for me. I was simply saying them out loud.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze

“Gwen was fighting really hard not to get caught up in Blayne’s excitement. She’d done it before, gotten caught up. And that way laid madness…and jail time.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Squeeze