Everything Is Awful Quotes

“Babies are to be kept on silent at all times, and if one goes off in public, it shall be discarded.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“Seriously, if teenage girls decide to organize one day, there’s literally nothing we can do to stop them.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“Eventually, of course, I grew up, and those fears went away. But the fun thing about fears is that they’re easily replaced with a bunch of new fears that are just as believable and overwhelming.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“I was six years old when I last peed my pants.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“Oh sure, you can barely control your own disgusting body, but go ahead and take care of my completely defenseless infant. Also, here’s some car keys, because you may only be sixteen and your brain isn’t fully developed yet, but I trust you implicitly to operate my four-thousand-pound vehicle.” Honestly, I miss the old days, when everybody died peacefully of cholera at the ripe old age of thirteen, surrounded by their grandchildren.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“I went on to spend an inordinate amount of my childhood bashfully attached to my mother's pelvis, mostly out of social anxiety, but also because I was raised, from an early age, to fear anything that posed even the mildest of threats”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“But we're talking about America here, where babies grow up to be even bigger babies, and all we really get along the way is incurable anxiety and crippling student loan debt.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“Listen. Don't sexually harass Brenda and also, the guy who wants 15 percent off that kitchen mixer he found in the sale bin can go fuck himself because it was never in the sale bin and he knows it.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“As most college freshmen are, I was randomly assigned a roommate by an old computer with a terrible sense of irony and humor.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“I wrote her a letter, because a letter felt like the easiest and also most dramatic way to do this kind of thing, and I wasn’t about to let an opportunity for theatrics go to waste.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“Is everything OK in there?” the sales associate is asking. “Do you need any help?” Which is not a question you want someone asking when you’re trying on pants. “NO, I GOT IT,” I shout back at her. “YOUR CLOTHES ARE JUST THE DEVIL.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“I’m hopping on one foot and grasping at the curtains, because that’s what dressing rooms are these days, curtains instead of walls so you have nothing solid to hold on to when you need to lean against something and cry.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“There was an emergency brake, but I’m terrible at deciding what amounts to an emergency, most of all when I’m in the middle of an emergency, and I didn’t pull it.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“Here’s the thing that you learn almost immediately when you work in retail: the customer is absolutely never right.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“a fax machine was the monstrous bastard child of a phone, a printer, a scanner, a calculator, and the devil,”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“her eyes widened ever so slightly as she got closer, in that way that adults’ eyes tend to widen when they realize things are more fucked than they’d originally realized, but don’t want to admit it out loud.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“(I will never understand the thrill of fishing. At its very best, it’s an activity that ends with a vicious struggle to reel in something you can easily buy at a supermarket. And then what? You take a picture with it? So you can make that picture the cover of your dating profile? Nobody is impressed with your ability to catch a fish. Turtles can catch fish. Nobody is trying to fuck a turtle.)”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“(Side note: I heard that dentist call one of his assistants a bitch one time, so I have zero regrets about vomiting all over that bastard. If I could, I’d go back and vomit on him again, because my stomach is bigger now and can hold even more vomit.)”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“I noticed it, as you notice most things in life, in the reflection of my head on the blank screen of my phone.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“On weekends, the local blacksmith would come to our house and use my hair to forge wrought iron into various decorative metal fixtures.”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations

“Is everything all right in there?” (A question that someone only asks when everything is not all right in there.)”
― Matt Bellassai, Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations