Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden Quotes

“Jane snorted out in disgust. "Okay, the good news is spotting the saurus just got a hell of a lot
easier. Plus we've got a ton of free bait."
"The bad news?" Taggart asked.
"Smart boy. Cookie for knowing that there's bad news." Jane eased her SUV across the worn
divided line to drive along the berm. "Bad news, Pittsburgh beef cows are the meanest son-of-abitches."
"So, we have to dodge several tons of pissed off sirloin while filming one hungry dinosaur?"
"Welcome to Pittsburgh.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“Taggart finally broke the pattern. "Can you at least explain why?"
Jane growled. God, she hated being outnumbered. This was like riding herd on her little
brothers, only worse because "I'll beat you if you do" wasn't an acceptable answer. "First rule of
shooting a show on Elfhome." She grabbed Hal and made him face each of the two newbies so
there was no way they could miss the mask of dark purple bruises across Hal's face. "Avoid
getting 'The Face' damaged. Viewers don't like raccoon boys. Hal is out of production until the
bruising can be covered with makeup. We've got fifty days and a grocery list of face-chewing
monsters to film. We have to think about damage control."
"Second rule!" She let Hal go and held up two fingers. "Get as much footage as possible of the
monster before you kill it. People don't like looking at dead monsters if you don't give them lots
of time seeing it alive. Right now we have got something dark moving at night in water. No one
has ever seen this before, so we can't use stock footage to pad. We blow the whistle and it will
come out of the water and try to rip your face off – violating rule one – and then we'll have to kill
it and thus break rule two."
"Sounds reasonable," Taggart said.
"Would we really have to kill it?" Nigel's tone suggested he equated it to torturing kittens.
"If it's trying its damnest to eat you? Yes!" Jane cried.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“It was like having two children in the car with her. Okay, one child and a young adult that
kept backsliding. Hal, of course, was attempting to prove he was really only eight years old.
Taggart could resist the taunting part of the time. Nigel was the senile grandmother who never
noticed that the children were fighting. He sat in the backseat, smiling serenely at the passing
landscape. What made things worse was that Taggart called shotgun so he could film through the
front window. That made it so she couldn't reach Hal to swat him into silence. She found herself
tempted to hit Taggart just because he was beside her. And because he'd changed into a dark blue
silk shirt and cologne that smelled so good she just wanted to roll in it.
"I can kill us all," Jane growled, gripping the wheel tightly, and resisted the urge to drive the
production truck into the ditch to prove her point.
Somehow they reached downtown without her killing anyone.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“But you're stuck filming crap now." Hal snorted. "Chased by monsters? Better be damn good
at running."
"And exactly how do you get hurt filming a landscaping show?" Taggart retorted.
"If it can't kill us, we don't film it," Jane said, to stop the fighting before it could start. "There's
a lot of dangerous flora and fauna in Pittsburgh and it doesn't stay beyond the Rim. It comes into
people's backyards and sets up shop. We teach our viewers how to deal with it, but it means we
have to actually get close enough to get hurt."
"Deal with, as in kill?" Nigel seemed flabbergasted.
"This isn't Earth. These aren't endangered species. This morning we were dealing with a very
large strangler vine in a neighborhood with lots of children. There's no way to 'move' it to
someplace where it isn’t a danger, especially while it's actively trying to kill anything that
stumbles into its path. Pets. Children. Automated lawnmowers."
"That one is always amusing to watch but it always ends badly for the lawnmower," Hal said.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“Then what's he doing here?"
"Trying to get eaten!" Jane turned to face Chloe square on. "Taggart is here is with world
famous naturalist, Nigel Reid, to film a network show called Chased by Monsters. They want to
film Nigel coming face to face with Elfhome wildlife and hopefully surviving the experience."
She let her sarcasm drip through since most Pittsburghers were slightly disdainful of newcomers.
"If any of Channel Five's viewers hears of any monsters in the Pittsburgh-area – other than
reporter Chloe Polanski – please let us know.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“Nigel crouched beside the shark. It dwarfed him. "While the largest of Earth's requiem sharks
rival the Great Whites, Elfhome's river sharks are remarkably larger. This one here is nearly five
meters long. The record here in Pittsburgh is an unbelievable six point four meters. What do
these massive creatures eat? Let's see!"
In a move rival to one of Hal's, Nigel plunged his whole arm into the slit cut in the shark's
stomach. He jerked back his hand wrapped in the pulsing glowing mass of a water fairy. "What
do we have here?"
"Put it down!" Jane cried in warning.
"Trying to," Nigel said calmly despite the wince of pain that flashed across his face.
"That's a water fairy." Hal whipped out his ever-present expandable grab-stick. Joining Nigel
in the frame, he used the tool to pry the gleaming mass from Nigel's hand. "It's a distant cousin
of the cuttlefish that has been crossed with a jellyfish. This one is just a baby, but still a sturdy
little critter, despite its appearance."
"How poisonous is it?" Taggart murmured as the water fairy was peeled free to expose a
massive welt on Nigel's hand.
"Not very. Keep filming." Jane headed to her truck for her first aid kit.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“Having plowed through all three channel's news crews, it was no surprise that Dmitri called
moments later. Jane winced at her phone's screen and glanced toward Mark's cameraman to
verify that Dmitri was probably watching her as well.
"Hm?" Jane tried for innocent sounding.
"What are you doing?" Dmitri asked totally deadpan.
"Omniscient," Hal sang quietly.
Jane snorted. Nothing supernatural about Dmitri's ability when half the time they were
beaming straight to the studio, just in case Hal managed to blow up the entire neighborhood.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“He gazed at her with open worry. "Are you okay?"
"Just – just…" Needed to remember that she was extremely pissed at him for invading her
life. "I had a nightmare."
He quirked an eyebrow.
"Lawn gnomes had taken Hal. I couldn't find him."
"Ah, so you don't really hate him?"
She was caught off guard by the question. "No! Why would you say that?"
"Friendship is a rare beast in our line. Most people only fake it."
"I don't fake anything.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“Get dressed!" She gave him a shove and turned around so she wouldn't be flashed as well as
mooned. Although after five years working together – and all various plant assisted disrobing
and the subsequent ambulance rides -- she'd seen the entire package more times than she could
count.
"Does Dmitri know he's here?" Hal asked and then answered himself. "Of course Dmitri
knows. Dmitri knows everything. He's freaking omniscient. That's just an act when he calls right
in the middle of something amazing and goes 'what are you doing?' like he doesn't damn well
know you plan a glorious explosion. Just freaking glorious."
Hal was rambling on about his recent misadventure with high explosives. If Taggart weren't
standing there, she would take advantage of Hal's drugged state and quiz him on that, because
she still was trying to figure out where he got the C4. More importantly, if the source was going
to supply him with more in the future.
The network cameraman was eyeing Hal over her shoulder with open surprise and dismay.
"What exactly happened this morning? He looks like he's been flogged."
"We were victorious!" Hal shouted. "We looked that thing in all seventy-four eyes and burned
out its heart!"
Jane sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. So many things wrong in that sentence, she
wasn't even going to try. God, she prayed that Nigel wasn't anything like Hal. "Right, let's get
going. I want to get home before dark.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“I was just sitting here when this freaking huge bird came swooping out of nowhere." Hal was
attempting to use his charisma to talk his way out of trouble, only because he was on drugs, he
derailed quickly into incoherence. "At least I think it was a bird. Might have been a superhero. I
am Batman! Only more like Hawkman – without the goofy cow." He meant cowl. He put his
fingers to his head to make odd points on Hawkman's cowl. Obviously he hadn't seen himself in
the mirror yet; he already was masked by deep purple bruises. "Cow. Cow. Mooo." He noticed
Taggart for the first time and he went wide-eyed. He tilted his head, still making horns. "My
god! You're Taggart with the unpronounceable first name."
"Yes, I am." Taggart rubbed at his face to cover a smile. "And you're Hal Rogers from
Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“Mother Superior of the Sisters of Mercy herself was lying in wait for Jane at the foyer. "You
have to keep in mind we only can restock our supplies once a month. Frankly, it always stresses
our supplies of medications when Mr. Rogers is having a streak of bad luck. With fighting
breaking out right and left..."
"Mother Superior, this is Nigel Reid. Nigel, Mother Superior is head of the nuns that oversee
this hospital. Anyone attacked by a monster is brought here to be treated."
Which of course was all that took. TV hosts were kind of like napalm. You threw them at any
major infestation and they cleaned out the area of all hostiles.
Nigel lit up as if introduced to Santa Claus. "Oh, how simply wonderful to meet you!"
Taggart caught what she had done and his eyes glittered with his smile. "That was pure evil."
"Judicial use of resources is always appropriate.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“They said I could leave if you came and picked me up." He dropped his voice to a whisper
and pulled the camera closer. His pupils were blown wide, almost touching the rims of his irises.
"The angry penguins scare me."
Jane pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to ward off a headache. "They've given you pain
medicine, haven't they?"
"My state of medication does not make them any less scary. Tiny, angry, little birds."
He was talking about the ancient Catholic nuns of Mercy Hospital. They were one of the few
things on the planet that actually frightened Hal. She suspected he would be even more cavalier
about getting hurt if there was a hospital other than Mercy to go to in Pittsburgh.
"Please, please, please, please, please, please." Hal whimpered. "You've got the Fortress of
Solitude. All those empty beds! Please!"
"Fine. You can stay at my place. I'll come get you." She slapped down her hand, cutting the
feed.
The two men were staring at the display with surprise and amusement.
"Who was that unfortunate fellow?" Nigel asked.
"That's – that's the host of Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden, Hal Rogers. We had a rough
shoot this morning."
Taggart was clearly confused by the answer. Obviously he thought PB&G was a simple
landscape show.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“The fire is out. Brian isn't going to press charges. Hal has a broken nose, a dislocated left hip,
probably a mild concussion – once again that damn pith helmet saved him from anything serious
-- and third degrees burns on his foot after his boot caught on fire. Nothing major but we're still
out of production until his face heals."
Dmitri picked up the insulated pitcher full of coffee and tilted his head in a "follow me"
signal. "Oh, didn't know you could dislocate a hip."
"It takes talent." Jane growled as she followed him through the studio.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“bloodied lace, which were both deadly in a very sedate way.
"It was totally awesome! Yoyo Hal!" Juergen bounced up and down as an upright version of
Hal falling repeatedly out of the tall wind oak only to be recaught and dragged upwards because
he insisted on doing commentary in calm even tones. "It's important to note that a strangle vine
can have as many as thirty-seven snare vines. Gak! You need to strike the base of the plant, its
nerve center, to kill the strangle vine. Fuck! Never tackle one of these alone. Jane!"
She stared at Juergen in dismay. He'd seen all that? Live? Unedited? With all the
embarrassing parts still intact? How?
The mechanic continued to act today's filming. "And you. Rawr!" He mimed the chainsaw.
"That rocked! And then Brian! 'Don't try this at home, hire a professional pest control
contractor.'" Brian was Brian Scroggins, Pittsburgh Fire Marshal and accidental guest co-host on
a regular basis. "Just epic." She fled the embarrassing recount, ignoring the belated, "So how is
Hal?”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“What else did Network drop on us?"
There was a too-long silence that meant she was going to hate what Dmitri said next.
"Network wants us to provide a 'native guide' for a crew filming on Elfhome…"
"You want me to play babysitter?"
"No, they asked for a guide, they're getting you as a producer, and you're going to keep them
out of trouble even if you need to hogtie them, which I know you're fully capable of."
"I don't do babysitting!"
"It's not babysitting, and you're very good at it, otherwise Hal wouldn't be alive now."
Chesty went to point on a strangle vine staging a surprise rear attack. Jane sighed. When was
Hal ever going to learn that these things were more like octopuses than snakes? "That is
debatable," she said as Hal went down with a yelp.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“It comes
with this wand with a squeeze trigger and this propane tank backpack."
Hal turned around to show off the ten-pound tank strapped to his back. "Simply turn this valve
to on." He turned back, his grin widening with glee. "And apply a spark!"
Others might see Pittsburgh as a demotion, but Jane knew that Hal truly loved any excuse to
wreak massive destruction. Where else could he routinely play with sticks of dynamite? Of
course there was the small matter that his judgment was poor, hence the reason Jane had her job.
She had been hired on originally to be nothing more than a glorified gofer. Hal had ignored, shot,
or run over (figuratively and literally) everyone else assigned to the show until it was just Jane
and her elfhound, Chesty.
Hal nearly took off his eyebrows applying the spark and blackened the rim of his pith helmet.
It smoldered as he continued.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“The strangle vine is a dangerous plant to deal
with as it’s a master of disguise. It can produce up to five different types of foliage, depending on
the type of anchor it attaches itself to. It makes safely identifying this plant very tricky. Thus, it's
best to investigate any possible outbreak with weapon in hand. Some people like a machete.
Others: an axe. Personally, I like a flamethrower."
He whipped up the wand and gave his signature evil laugh. The cackle inspired the rumors
that he had accidentally killed someone on his previous show and thus his backslide to obscurity.
She'd seen the videos. The only thing he'd killed was the ratings; he'd been bored silly doing
curbside appeal remodels and it showed.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden