The Vampire's Mail Order Bride Quotes

“she felt as out of place as a meatball in a box of truffles.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“You’ve got me confused with one of those women who needs a ring on her finger to feel complete. I don’t put those kinds of expectations on men. And I’d say I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you and Hugh, but based on your current amount of crazy, I’d say he dodged a bullet.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“A man without a sweet tooth is not to be trusted.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“You’re my last thought of the day and my first thought when I awake.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“Welcome to Nocturne Falls – where every day is Halloween.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“I don’t know how much more you can take.”

He laughed. “You’re a witch. From a family of witches. My ex-wife is a witch. Apparently literally and figuratively. Plus my kid’s a witch. And I am probably some kind of animal shifter. All that, and I’m still upright and functioning. I don’t think there’s anything you could tell me that would break me at this point.”
― Kristen Painter, The Professor Woos the Witch

“She’s a lovely young woman from upstate New York, but you should be very thankful for those romance-novel-reading, tween-movie-watching women. They’ve had a big hand in making our town a success.” “And Julian’s love life, once he learned to spray himself with glitter.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“A vampire in a romance novel was something very different than one standing in front of you.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“Little Tony scratched his neck. “Don’t forget he besmirched my name, Pop.” Huh, how about that? Little Tony not only knew a big word, but had used it correctly.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“She swallowed. “It’s totally wrong of me to be turned on by the thought of murder, but that’s kind of hot.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“A small cow walked toward him and meowed. “What on earth is—Stanhill mentioned you brought your cat. He failed to mention the creature is the size of an SUV.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“Well what?” “Go fix it, you dimwitted night crawler.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“Money and physical attributes I can take or leave. After all, they're both attributes that can come and go depending on the circumstances. But I will not abide a cheating man.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“Twilight, huh? Maybe Hugh Ellingham was a fan of the books.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“men are simple creatures. They like to be complimented. To feel powerful. And, especially important, to feel useful.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“The crazy cat lady in love with the vampire.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“The only male in Delaney’s bed when she woke up was Captain. He stared at her from the other pillow, judging her in the silent way of cats.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“Sculpted topiaries ala Edward Scissorhands dotted the manicured yards. “This is like Stepford meets the Addams family. Who built this place? Tim Burton?”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride

“Oh, my apologies. Did I say you should be resting?” His eyes darkened with a wicked glint. “I meant bonding.”
― Kristen Painter, The Professor Woos the Witch

“Taxes are hard. Raising kids is hard. Learning to drive a stick shift, that’s hard. But love?” She did a slow twirl mid-air. “Love is easy.”
― Kristen Painter, The Professor Woos the Witch

“It’s a good thing the two of you are so pretty, because you’re both tremendously dumb.”
― Kristen Painter, The Professor Woos the Witch

“Maybe the Dark Side wasn’t so bad after all. Word was, they had cookies.”
― Kristen Painter, The Professor Woos the Witch

“The last thing Cole needed was Puff the Magic MMA Fighter showing up at his door breathing fire. By five o’clock, Pandora had finally begun to feel human again.”
― Kristen Painter, The Professor Woos the Witch

“Where are your guests?” “Having a little conversation outside. Kaley and Cole just found out that witches aren’t the only supernaturals in Nocturne Falls, and Kaley’s also getting the explanation about what her father and grandfather really are. And, yes, Cole’s dad is also a familiar.”
― Kristen Painter, The Professor Woos the Witch

“Familiars are almost always men. And all familiars have an animal form.”
― Kristen Painter, The Professor Woos the Witch

“Grandpa!” Kaley came down the stairs. Despite being a thirteen-year-old, she hadn’t yet lost the ability to be affectionate, at least with her grandfather. Maybe it was because he was the only grandparent she had any regular contact with. Jack scooped her up in a hug. “Hello there, baby girl.”
― Kristen Painter, The Professor Woos the Witch

“What else have I got to do these days?”
― Kristen Painter, The Professor Woos the Witch

“Plus, it would be a pretty high coincidence that we’re both serial killers.”
― Kristen Painter, The Professor Woos the Witch

“The old manor reminded Pandora of a once-great beauty queen who’d gotten really drunk, slept it off at a friend’s house (in her makeup) and then walked home barefoot in the rain.”
― Kristen Painter, The Professor Woos the Witch

“Good. Because I am utterly lost in you, Delaney. I know it’s only been a few days, but I cannot imagine myself with another woman. You’re my last thought of the day and my first thought when I awake.”
― Kristen Painter, The Vampire's Mail Order Bride