American Housewife Quotes

“I fix myself a hot chocolate because it is a gateway drug to reading.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Take it from cats

If someone moves to make room for you, take up more room. If someone is looking over there, there’s something to see. If somebody sneezes, run. If someone brings a bag into your home, look inside it. If you don’t want someone to leave, sit on his suitcase. Clean between your toes. Flaunt your full figure. Hide loose change. Even though you can take care of yourself, it’s okay to let someone be nice to you. It’s fine to take a nap on the laundry. If you stand in a kitchen long enough, someone will feed you. If you’re alone in bed, use all the pillows. Just because it’s gorgeous outside doesn’t mean you have to go outside. Just because you can fit into something tight doesn’t mean that you belong in it. If you trust someone, open yourself like a cheap umbrella. If you want to be left alone, park yourself in a closet. If you want to surprise someone, lie in a bathtub and then jerk back the curtain when he sits on the toilet. If you’re not interested, don’t look interested. You don’t have to chase every bird that you see.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“You've got to have brains to play dumb.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Is this too dressy?" is Southern Lady code for: I look fabulous and it would be in your best interest to tell me so.
"I'm not crazy about it" is code for: I hate that more than sugar-free
punch.
"What do you think about her?" is code for: I don't like her.
"She's always been lovely to me" is code for: I don't like her either.
"She has a big personality" means she's loud as a T. rex.
"She's the nicest person" means she's boring as pound cake.
"She has beautiful skin" means she's white as a tampon.
"She's old" means she's racist as Sandy Duncan in Roots.
"You are so bad!" is Southern Lady code for: That is the tackiest thing I've ever heard and I am delighted that you shared it with me.
"No, you're so bad!" is code for: Let's snitch and bitch.
"She's a character" means drunk.
"She has a good time means slut.
"She's sweet" means Asperger's.
"She's outdoorsy" means lesbian.
"Hmm" is Southern Lady code for: I don't agree with you but am polite enough not to rub your nose in your ignorance.
"Nice talking with you" is code for: Party's over, now scoot.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Sugar, nobody’s perfect. And when ladies try to be perfect, their periods stop.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Just because you can fit into something tight doesn't mean that you belong in it.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“I cry because I don’t have the upper-arm strength to flatiron my hair. I”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Write what I know, who wants to read that? If only our apartment was haunted or I was the tiniest bit possessed by the devil.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“it's going great. Two months in, and I've created three apps."

"Apps?"

"For people who buy my book as an e-book --which will be everybody. The first is called Don't Look. It's for the overly sensitive. It blurs and turns the type red when a dog dies or a baby is born with a birth defect. Stuff like that. My second is It's Not Okay When You Say It, and it delivers an electrical zap if the reader laughs at a racial slur. My third is Jesus Thesaurus, which replaces explicit sexual language with church words. So, when one of my characters 'saints' a guy's 'disciple', He'll beg her to 'cavalry' his 'Baptists' and 'shout amen'.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“I study long-married couples and decide that wives are like bras: sometimes the most matronly are the most supportive.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Face it: you’re never going to get carded again, so quit asking bouncers if they want to see your ID. Quit going places where they have bouncers.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“My novel is sponsored by Tampax. It’s the story of three generations of women and spans three decades. That’s a lot of menstruation. So every time a character rides the cotton pogo stick—Voilà! Tampax.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“A good bra is fine, but a great bra is life changing. It gives you the confidence of a homecoming queen. It’s a tiara for your ta-tas.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“YA is about angst. Will I get that boy to like me? Will I lose the weight? Will I turn into a vampire if he just gives me a hickey? I’m an orphan! I’m a mind reader! I’m biracial! I’m gay! When I get out of high school, I’ll move to New York City, where I’ll find others like me, and then I’ll be happy and I will have it all: a career, a family, good teeth, and takeout Chinese.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“French pedicures make your toes look like fingers. You look grabby. French pedicures are for man thieves.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“All we marrieds have a marriage chuckle. A marriage chuckle is a fake laugh you bring out when your spouse does something dumb that you have to pretend is charming. My”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“I break into a sweat when I find a Sharpie cap, but not the pen.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“You don't have to chase every bird that you see.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“the only thing with less character than Chardonnay is wainscoting.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“I scroll through iPhone photos and see that if I delete pictures of myself with a double chin, I will erase all proof of my glorious life. I fix myself a hot chocolate because it is a gateway drug to reading. I think I couldn't love my husband more, and then he vacuums all the glitter.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Accept it: you’re too old to drink more than one drink and sleep through the night. Face it: you’re never going to get carded again, so quit asking bouncers if they want to see your ID. Quit going places where they have bouncers.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“YA stands for young adult. Young adult is meant for teenagers the way Seventeen is meant for twelve-year-olds, meaning Delores is too old for it, but she and her Smith sisters cannot get enough. YA is about angst. Will I get that boy to like me? Will I lose the weight? Will I turn into a vampire if he just gives me a hickey? I’m an orphan! I’m a mind reader! I’m biracial! I’m gay! When I get out of high school, I’ll move to New York City, where I’ll find others like me, and then I’ll be happy and I will have it all: a career, a family, good teeth, and takeout Chinese.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Fearing cold and flu season, I fist-bump the credit card signature pad.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“She’s sweet” means Asperger’s. “She’s outdoorsy” means lesbian. “Hmm” is Southern Lady code for: I don’t agree with you but am polite enough not to rub your nose in your ignorance. “Nice talking with you” is code for: Party’s over, now scoot.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife