The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Quotes

In a study I conducted of sixty-three preschoolers, those being raised in homes where there was great marital hostility had chronically elevated levels of stress hormones compared with the other children studied. We don’t know what the long-term repercussions of this stress will be for their health. But we do know that this biological indication of extreme stress was echoed in their behavior. We followed them through age fifteen and found that, compared with other children their age, these kids suffered far more from truancy, depression, peer rejection, behavioral problems (especially aggression), low achievement at school, and even school failure.

Negative emotions are important. Although it is stressful to listen to your partner’s negative feelings, remember that successful relationships live by the motto “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.” This is true even when your partner’s anger, sadness, disappointment, or fear is directed at you. Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better. It takes a lot of understanding and proficiency in attunement to be able to really hear what your partner is saying when he or she is upset.

De modo que parece lógico que si escuchamos a nuestro cónyuge con atención y cariño, encontraremos solución a nuestros problemas y recuperaremos la relación.

You may find that when you first begin to recognize and acknowledge your dreams, the problems between you seem to worsen rather than improve. Be patient. Acknowledging and advocating for your dreams is not easy. The very nature of gridlock means that your dreams appear to be in opposition, so you've become deeply entrenched in your positions and fear accepting each other's influence and yielding.

Often, deeply personal dreams go unspoken or underground because we assume they must in order to make the relationship work. It's common for both partners not to feel entitled to their dreams. They may see their own desires as 'childish' or 'impractical.' But such labels don't end the longing. So if the relationship doesn't honor the dream, conflict will almost inevitable ensue. In other words, when you bury a dream, it just resurfaces in disguised form—as gridlocked conflict.

In satisfying relationships, partners incorporate each other’s goals into their concept of what their marriage is about.

When couples are able to sidestep gridlock, they come to treat their perpetual problems as they would a pesky allergy or bad back. They know the difficulty won't ever go away, but they manage to keep it from overwhelming their life together. ... Remember that you don't have to solve the problem to get past gridlock. Neither of you has to 'give in' or 'lose.' The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other.

You’ll know you’ve reached gridlock if:

1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection
3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out- giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

All couples have some irreconcilable differences. But when partners can’t find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements, the result is gridlock. When couples gridlock over issues, the image that comes to my mind is of two opposing fists. Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it. As a result, they eventually view the partner as just plain selfish. Each becomes more deeply entrenched in his or her position, making compromise impossible.

Often when couples don’t succeed at compromising, it isn’t through lack of trying but because they’ve gone about it the wrong way. Negotiation is possible only after you’ve followed the steps above—softening start-up, repairing your discussion, and keeping calm. Together, these will create a positive atmosphere. Remember: Compromise is not about just one person changing. It’s about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other. You will not be able to compromise successfully if you don’t accept your partner’s flaws and foibles. Instead, you will be on a relentless campaign to alter your spouse.

Too often, a marriage gets bogged down in 'if only'; if only your spouse were taller, richer, smarter, neater, or sexier, all of your problems would vanish. Unlike cherishing, which nurtures gratitude for what you have, 'if only' nurtures resentment for what you don't have. As long as this attitude prevails, conflicts will be very difficult to resolve.

But when the four horsemen take up permanent residence, when either partner begins to feel flooded routinely, the relationship is in serious trouble. Frequently feeling flooded leads almost inevitably to emotional distancing, which in turn leads to feeling lonely.

When a discussion leads off this way—with criticism and/or sarcasm, which is a form of contempt—it has begun with a “harsh start-up.” Although Dara talks to Oliver in a very soft, quiet voice, there’s a load of negative power in her words.

Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. Instead, they need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict—and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. Only then will they be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into their marriage.