Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate Quotes

“Sadness feels like the emotion that is most strongly connected to humanity—the one that binds us to each other in some important and primitive way. I”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“When you’re in the middle of it, nothing is as clearly defined as hindsight makes it appear.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Typical people acquire social skills primarily by absorption; autistic people need to be taught social skills explicitly. When”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Anger makes me uncomfortable. I avoid it. I suppress it. Most often my reaction to any form of anger is that I want it to stop. Perhaps because I didn’t learn how to express anger constructively as a child, only that it was undesirable. My literal Aspie brain didn’t perceive the difference between “expressing anger in destructive ways is bad” and “expressing anger is bad.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“If a rule prevents me from making a spontaneous choice then it’s too restrictive. • If a rule negatively impacts someone I love then it’s probably doing more harm than good. • If a rule was created more than five years ago then I may have outgrown it. • If a rule makes me sad, angry, tired, or anxious then I need to question its origins.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Many autistic people have dampened or muted interception. We don’t seem to notice what’s going on in our bodies until it reaches a level that other people would find intolerable.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Just as functioning isn't uniform, it isn't linear either. There is a commonly seen phenomenon in autistic children where they'll make big gains in elementary school then regress when they hit adolescence. Or a child will be labeled a late bloomer, seeming practically "normal" in their teen years, then seem to backslide dramatically when they go off to college or enter the adult world of work and independent living”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“You must be very high functioning. You don’t seem autistic.” “Why, thank you. And you’re not especially ugly.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Yet, when I’m alone, I rarely feel lonely. If I were writing the thesaurus entries for alone, the synonyms would include: authentic, free, individual, indulgent, open, peaceful, protected, pure, quiet, rejuvenating, solitary. Thanks to the amount of time I spend alone, I’m on intimate terms with myself. I have a running internal dialogue that informs my life, my writing, my relationships. I observe and absorb the world around me. I’m good at being alone.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Control sounds like a good thing. Self-control. I’ve got this under control. Control yourself. For years, I had everything under control. I swore I did. Everything from family activities to how people were allowed to feel around me. Is some small detail unplanned? I’ll plan it. Someone has a problem? I’ll fix it, whether they want me to or not. Something needs to be done? I’ll take care of it. In fact, I’ll do it myself because that’s the only way it will get done right. Because only I know what the right way is. See, everything under control.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“In addition to my difficulty with identifying and describing feelings, I’m also more likely to have physical complaints when I’m emotionally upset. I’ll be feeling frustrated or sad, but complain that I’m uncomfortably cold or intolerably sleepy.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“I’ve always been disturbed by confrontation and conflict, even when I’m only a bystander. By default, Sang is in charge of Confrontation With Others. If something needs to be argued over or complained about—a botched repair job or an over-cooked restaurant meal—that’s his department. While he’s making that phone call or waiting for the manager to appear, I go off and hide. As an adult, I’m not proud of this. Why do I desperately need to flee a situation where I’m nothing more than an observer? Because, I’ve realized, I don’t discriminate between anger that is aimed at me and anger in general. When someone is angry, I invariably feel like I’m the cause or the target, even when I rationally know that I’m not. If Sang calls me when he’s having a bad day, I hear how upset he is and immediately feel distressed. Not distressed as in, “I should console my husband because he’s had a bad day.” I feel distressed in a “this is incredibly stressful and I want it to stop” kind of way. When confronted with emotional upset, my brain immediately goes into “fix it” mode, searching for a way to make the other person feel better so I can also relieve my own distress.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“You can look at that list and think, “But everyone has hobbies, what’s so special about yours?” Like much of what differentiates an autistic trait from a simple personality quirk, the answer is the degree to which the trait is present. For example, when I took up running, I didn’t just go out and jog a few times a week. I read books about training for marathons. I found workout plans online and joined a training site to get personalized drills. I learned about fartlek and track workouts and running technique. I signed up for road races. Ten years later, I spend more on running clothes and shoes than on everyday clothes. I use a heart rate monitor and a distance tracker to record my workouts. If I go on vacation, I pack all of my running stuff. I don’t just like to run occasionally; running is an integral part of my life. That’s a key differentiator between a run-of-the-mill hobby and an autistic special interest. Spending time engaged in a special interest fulfills a specific need. It’s more than just a pleasant way to pass the time. Indulging in a special interest is a way to mentally recharge. It’s comforting. It allows me to completely immerse myself in something that intensely interests me while tuning out the rest of the world.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“At first, intentionally employing body language can feel stilted or fake, but with practice it can be a quick, easy way to put strangers at ease. The same is true of making eye contact. If you have difficulty understanding how to convey the right social signals with your eyes, here’s a quick primer: •Sustain eye contact for 4–5 seconds at a time. More than that can indicate that you are trying to intimidate the other person or that you’re romantically interested in them. •Beware of prolonged eye contact. If someone is making prolonged eye contact with you, this may be a signal that the interaction has become more intense than you intended. You can signal disinterest by looking off to the side. •While you’re talking, look to the side or slightly upward when you break eye contact. This indicates thinking. Looking down signals that you’re done talking. •When the other person is talking, break eye contact by shifting your gaze to their mouth rather than looking away. Looking away signals boredom. •If the other person is talking about something emotional and looks away, you should continue to look at them to show that you care. •Make eye contact when you are first introduced to someone. Not doing so is interpreted as disrespectful. •If eye contact feels impossible, try looking at the person’s forehead, just above their eyes. This simulates eye contact. Making eye contact—or, more precisely, not making eye contact—is a big problem for many autistic individuals. The ability to convincingly fake eye contact, while not very helpful for us, puts other people at ease.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Or a child will be labeled a late bloomer, seeming practically “normal” in their teen years, then seem to backslide dramatically when they go off to college or enter the adult world of work and independent living.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Four decades later, my stimming is often discreet. You’d have to be watching closely to notice.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“In a way, I’ve been forced to relearn how to be me.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“The tendency to leap to the worst possible conclusion — the “everything will be ruined” option — is known as catastrophizing. Like perfectionism, it’s a common trait of ASD and closely tied to black and white thinking.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“I’ve found a few helpful strategies for addressing difficulties with planning and problem solving: •Mindfulness. In this case, mindfulness isn’t some complex life practice. It’s just a matter of realizing, “Oh, wait, I’m doing that thing again, which means I need to go get the vacuum/sponge/scissors and take care of this little annoyance that will only take a minute to fix and, oh, think how good I’ll feel afterward.” •Routines. In the same way that routines can be helpful for getting everyday tasks done, they can work for problem solving too. For example, if I’m waiting for Sang to get ready to go out, I’ll walk around our home, intentionally looking for little problems to take care of. Inevitably there will be a pile of clean laundry that needs folding or dishes that need to be picked up. This same routine works in the kitchen while waiting for something to boil or in the bathroom while waiting for the shower water to warm up. •Reminder software or apps. There are many apps that will send you an email or phone alert for recurring household tasks. I have one that reminds me to wash the sheets every two weeks, trim the dog’s toenails once a week and clean my car every three months. If there are some problems that occur regularly, try preempting them with scheduled reminders. •Strategic reminders. Like the reminder apps, strategically placing visual reminders around the house can nudge you into acting on common problems. Leaving the vacuum in a high-traffic area not only reminds you to vacuum more often, but it makes it easier to get the job done because the tool you need is handy. •Use chunking. If a problem gets to the point where you recognize that something needs to be done but the size of the task is now overwhelming, try breaking it into smaller parts. For example, instead of “cleaning your bedroom” start with a goal of getting everything off the floor or collecting the dirty laundry and washing it. As you tackle these smaller tasks, it will become more obvious what else is left to be done.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Once I got past grief, depression, and resignation, I needed help identifying other types of sad feelings. But unlike my exploration of anger, the thesaurus wasn’t much help this time. I added a few more words to the constellation, but I’m not sure how strongly I experience any of them. Sadness feels like a diffuse emotion, more of a background state of being than a tangible feeling. I’m rarely actively sad. I don’t burst into tears when I hear sad news. The last time I cried at a movie, I was 12. The only book that ever made me tear up was A Prayer for Owen Meany. More than once I’ve sat stoically immobile beside someone I love while they broke down. My sadness is all undercurrent, twisted up inside me, unable to escape to the surface. This, of course, makes me look cold and unfeeling. The stereotypical emotionless Aspie. The first time I confronted my muted sadness was in high school. A girl in my class, Karen, was killed in a car accident. The entire junior class attended her funeral, and everyone sobbed from beginning to end. Except me.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Tactile sensitivities, often called tactile defensiveness, are characterized by a negative reaction to a tactile stimulus that is generally considered nonirritating by most people. The nonirritating tactile stimuli that irritate me include: seams (especially in socks), tags, ruffles, lace, synthetics, wool, tags, tight/high waists, exposed elastics, stitching that I can feel against my skin, collars that are too high, collars that are too open, TAGS, shirts that are too loose or formless, and sleeves that are anything other than standard short- or long-sleeve length. My tactile sensitivities have also led to dozens of little quirks, most of which started in childhood. I’ve never liked the feeling of water spraying on my face (oddly, I’m fine with having my face underwater). If I’m eating something messy with my fingers, I clean them on a napkin between every bite. When my skin gets too cold, it itches worse than a case of poison ivy. If someone kisses me on the cheek, I immediately wipe the little wet spot from my face. Tactile defensiveness is believed to be caused by overly sensitive light touch receptors in the skin. We”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Among the reasons I’ve seen suggested for autistic individuals’ pursuit of special interests are: •a need for organization or sameness •a need to focus on something •a way to take up all that time left over from not socializing •a compulsion •a way to escape reality •a way to gain emotional satisfaction that we don’t get from people. None of these feels like a complete answer to me. Special interests can certainly be an escape, a compulsion, or a way to fill up time, but there is an element of serendipity to special interests that makes the experience of finding a new passion much like falling in love. Special interests tend to find us, rather than the other way around. I have no idea what has drawn me to many of my special interests over the years. Most are things that I have an intense but inexplicable fascination with.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Another problem can arise if the object of a special interest is socially unacceptable. When my husband read my list of special interests, he jokingly added himself to it. He was being funny, but sometimes Aspies do take on another person as a special interest. If that person is a celebrity, the Aspie can safely spend hours learning about and admiring that person from afar. But if the person is someone in the Aspie’s life, the special interest may be expressed as unwanted attention, harassment, or stalking.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“My husband is everything I’m not when it comes to social skills. He’s naturally compassionate, outgoing, empathetic, and confident. He can walk into a room full of strangers and strike up a conversation with anyone. People gravitate toward him. When it comes to our daughter’s social skills, I give him 100 percent of the credit. He modeled behaviors for her that don’t come naturally to me and that I’ve never learned to fake well. As parents, we haven’t always seen eye to eye. There were times when he thought I was being too cold-hearted and there were times when I thought he was being too sentimental. We’ve had to compromise on some issues and agree to disagree on others. We’ve both made mistakes. But we’ve also come to realize that we have our own strengths. When Jess needs sympathy or relationship advice, she usually talks to her dad. When she needs help filling out forms for a new job or fixing her computer, she calls me. She intuitively worked out what we can each give her as parents long before any of us knew what Asperger’s was.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Having an Aspie parent influences a child in unexpected ways, no matter how hard their parents try to compensate or how socially adept the child seems to be. There are unusual habits and behaviors that every child considers normal, often right up until one family member goes out into the world and discovers otherwise. This is true of all families, but it may be more pronounced in families where one or both parents are on the spectrum. A partner or spouse with a different set of parenting abilities can go a long way toward helping an autistic parent “mind the gap” when it comes to parenting. My”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Although she understands the social nuances of empathy, she sometimes chooses not to “play by the rules” because she’s seen how a less conventional approach has affected her at key points in her life and she finds some value in it that is probably hard for people raised in typical families to relate to. She’s also related stories to me where she was shocked to find out that other people thought she was being rude—for not sharing a birthday treat, for example. These were instances where she simply didn’t think about what the social rule was for that situation. More”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“There’s some question about how having a parent with Asperger’s affects a typical child. I definitely see ways in which my Aspie traits have influenced Jess’s behavior. She’s told me stories about how friends at college or colleagues at work have pointed out deficiencies in her social skills. Although she’s a very empathetic, compassionate person with a high emotional IQ, she occasionally does things that others consider thoughtless.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“I tried to remember that my daughter was a very different child than I had been. She had her own adolescent anxieties and the last thing she needed was for me to impose my issues on her. When a crisis arose, I did my best to listen and try to understand what she was facing. This was a big challenge. First of all, I tend to assume that everyone thinks like I do. Cognitive empathy, or perspective taking, is hard to “fake.” I also have a tendency to want to fix stuff when often what my daughter needed in a crisis was compassion, understanding, and reassurance. And love.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“Being married to someone on the spectrum is challenging. Some people might go so far as to say it’s impossible. A quick internet search on ‘Asperger’s marriage’ will turn up plenty of horror stories. As my husband would tell you, being married to someone with undiagnosed ASD is even more difficult. Without the explanation of Asperger’s and an understanding of the social communication impairments that accompany it, it’s natural for the nonautistic partner to assume that the autistic partner is being intentionally rude, selfish, cold, controlling, and a host of other negative things. Before my diagnosis, there was a frequent pattern in my marriage: I would unknowingly do something hurtful, then be surprised when Sang was upset by it. This inevitably triggered a downward spiral, Sang assuming I was being intentionally hurtful—because how could a grown adult not realize that it was hurtful—and me feeling bewildered about what exactly I’d done to cause so much upset. Often these discussions stalemated in a conversational dead end. I would sink into a shutdown or meltdown, where my only verbal response was, “I don’t know,” and Sang would resort to a frustrated refrain of “I don’t understand you.” Even typing those two phrases is hard because they bring back memories of some of the most difficult times in our marriage.”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life

“As young girls, my friends and I often played “school” or “house,” cooperative role-playing games in which we acted out scenarios like math class or making dinner. As long as I got to be the teacher or the mother, I loved these games. They played into my need for control and my love of organizing. If I didn’t get to be the teacher or the mother, the game usually ended in a nasty fight between me and the girl who got that role. Other kids’ rules made no sense to me. They felt all wrong. I had to be in charge or I wasn’t playing. Dr. Tony Attwood describes this as “god mode”—the way that autistic kids need to control every aspect of a social situation to make it safe for them to interact. For whatever reason, a few friends tolerated my god mode and hung around, though not all the time. I remember sometimes daily shouting matches that left me without a playmate for the rest of the day. Unlike boys’ games, where there tend to be winners and losers, girls’ games are often based on how well a girl cooperates with the group to create an enjoyable role-playing scenario. Boys”
― Cynthia Kim, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life