Legal Briefs Quotes

“If I say it, will you say it too?" I asked, swallowing hard, even though my mouth was dry. I willed him silently not to joke around or say anything that could hurt me.

"Yes, but I need to hear you say it first," he answered with a voice filled with tension.

"What are you, four? Why can't we just say it at the same time?" I asked, panicking.

"Because that's stupid. And when I was four, I said it by licking your Fruit Roll-Up. Why can't you just say it? Don't you trust me?"

"Why do you always get to decide who does what? I let you lift, and I wiped!"

"You're comparing us declaring our love for each other to wiping a baby's ass?!"

"Ah Ha! You said it!" I announced victoriously.

"I did not! I was saying it generally! That's different than saying it!"

"You said 'declaring our love'!"

"That's different than saying 'I love you'!"

"Ah ha!" I cried again.

"Oh Jesus H. Christ! Who's the one who's four?! Will you just say it, woman?!"

"Fine! I love you, you asshole!"

"I love you too, you nutty broad!”
― N.M. Silber, Legal Briefs

“There, I saw Adam messing around with a container of tic tacs. I had found the source of the cinnamon taste of his kisses. He looked up.

"Want one?" he offered.

"Sure, thanks," I replied. He proceeded to knock exactly one tic tac into his palm and hand it to me. "Are you sure you can spare this?" I asked solemnly.

"How many did you want?"

"Well, more than one. Who gives somebody one tic tac? Would it kill to be a little more generous? some psychologist somewhere probably has some theory about one tic tac givers and fear of commitment."

"Fear of commitment, my ass. You should be committed, you loon. If you were intended to have more than one tic tac, they would have just made tic tacs bigger. This is regulation sized tic tac, and it should be more than enough to satisfy your breath freshening needs," he said, sounding affronted.

"A tic tac is not merely a breath freshener, it is a candy," I pointed out, voice rising in anger. Who was he calling a loon? "And they make them small on purpose, so you'll think you're getting more, and so you'll run out faster when someone asks for one, and you will give them a few!"

"Why would someone ask for A tic tac when they really wanted several tic tacs? What does that say about their psychology?! Why not be honest from the get-go about what you want?!" he shouted back at me.

" I didn't ask for one! You offered me one, God damn it!"

"And as for your other points, it is primarily a breath freshener, and maybe you should alert the media about your great tic tac size conspiracy!"

"I can't believe we're fighting about motherfucking tic tacs!" I screamed and the two of us glowered each other across my desk for several seconds before smiles slowly appeared on both of our faces.

"Want to have make-up sex?" he asked.

"Yeah, let's go," I said, getting up and heading for the bedroom.”
― N.M. Silber, Legal Briefs

“Do you know why the characters in my book look like us?”
“Pure coincidence?” he asked with a smile.
“Because I was fantasizing about us doing all those things together when I wrote it.”
“Are you trying to make me cry?”
― N.M. Silber, Legal Briefs

“Do you want to fuck me, Adam?" I asked through gritted teeth.
"Is this a trick question?”
― N.M. Silber, Legal Briefs

“I’m not adorable,” I said, feeling unreasonably irritated. “Chipmunks are adorable. I’m empowered.”
― N.M. Silber, Legal Briefs

“Just you, Lily. Give me your hand," he said, taking one of his off the wheel and glancing quickly at me."
"Why?" I asked suspiciously.
"Because I want to arm wrestle. Because I want to hold it, you nutty broad. Why do you think?" I reached out and grabbed his hand and he squeezed mine gently.”
― N.M. Silber, Legal Briefs

“Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!” “Oh, who?” he asked, pausing. “Oh Adam?” “That’s more like it.”
― N.M. Silber, Legal Briefs

“Well, I'm going to try. Better to practice on somebody else's kid first."

"Before what?" he asked, cautiously.

"I was just joking." Suddenly, I felt very defensive.

"You're sure your pill is working, right?"

"Yes! Don't worry, If I ever wanted to have a baby it doesn't have to be with you," I said, sensing rejection and fighting back.

"Well, who in the hell would it be with?" he asked, sounding irate.

"I don't know. I don't have a crystal ball."

"I've got news for you, Lilith. If you're going to be bearing anyone's children, they'll be mine," he said heatedly. Suddenly, the baby started crying.

"Now look what you did," I chastised. "You made him cry."

"I didn't make him cry. A shitty diaper made him cry. Now you want to take this on, I'll take it on with you. Bring him over here," Adam demanded, storming off with the diaper bag.”
― N.M. Silber, Legal Briefs

“The music came on and I was amused to hear Pitbull singing Mr. Right Now.”
― N.M. Silber, Legal Briefs

“Fine. Will you thrust your turgid manroot into my dewy petals?”
― N.M. Silber, Legal Briefs

“I like good smut,”
― N.M. Silber, Legal Briefs

“You’re comparing us declaring our love for each other to wiping a baby’s ass?!”
― N.M. Silber, Legal Briefs