Love and Lists Quotes

“You spidermanned the one you love.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“You're probably also wondering how in the hell I can possibly be twenty-five years old when just yesterday I was four. I know, it's a tough pill to swallow. I'm not a foul-mouthed, cute little kid anymore. I'm now a foul-mouthed, cute adult.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“Ava is like a praying mantis on crack. She will not only chew off his head after she has sex with him, she will have sex with his headless body afterwards and then light it on fire.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“Then grow a pair and get over it. Jesus mother of f*ck Christ in a piss sh*thole, dick for brains, the answer is bathtub.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“It wouldn't be weird at all if I just walked up to her and ran my tongue across her shoulder, would it? I could tell her she had a piece of food there or something. Totally normal.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“It’s fucking Meerkat Manor in my pants.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“Uncle Drew is completely inappropriate and one hundred percent of the time, and Aunt Jenny is a few fries short of a Happy Meal.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“If you ramble enough, people will think what you’re saying is true, right?”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“I roofied you because I wanted you naked .... and afraid, " Tyler says again in a sinister voice”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“I feel like I’m in The Crying Game right now,” Dad mutters with a sad shake of his head.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“Love and lists. Just remember, love and lists. Nothing else matters.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“I’m sorry, did you just say your boyfriend ditched you to go shoe shopping?” my mom asks her.

Charlotte sighs and crosses her arms in front of her. “He didn’t ditch me. I told him he could go because I was tired.”

“You don’t really mean shoe shopping right? You meant to say shopping for sports equipment or a new surround sound system, right?” Aunt Liz asks.

“He told us his favorite book of all time was Under the Rainbow: The Real Liza Minnelli. I’m pretty sure shoe shopping would be right up his alley,” Mom reminds her.

“Has Rocco gotten the memo yet that he’s gay?” Aunt Liz questions her.

Tyler starts laughing hysterically and reaches his hand up to fist-bump my aunt.

“Seriously, Mom? Are you judging him? That’s really low,” Charlotte complains.

“I’m not judging him. Some of the best people I’ve ever met are gay. I just don’t particularly want my daughter dating someone who’s gay.”

Charlotte stomps her foot and growls at Liz, and I have to tell myself not to get too excited. I love seeing her get fired up. Her cheeks turn pink and her eyes sparkle. Now is NOT the time to get a boner.

“He is NOT gay! He’s just … he’s in touch with his feminine side.”

Tyler snorts and Charlotte shoots an angry look in his direction.

“Honey, he doesn’t have a feminine side. He has a vagina,” Aunt Liz informs her.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“Ooooh, make her a mix tape! Those are always fun.” “Nineteen-eighty-five called, they want their idea back.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“What temperature is your ball sack running at now?” he asks, turning around and narrowing his eyes at me.

“What? I don’t know. Why are you asking me this?”

“Dude, to effectively produce sperm, your testicles need to be at least two degrees cooler than your core temperature. You should ice those little nuggets.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“I think I’m going to wear blue to the wedding. I saw this gorgeous dress on sale at Macy’s the other day. I think I have a coupon,” Mom tells Liz.

“Oh hell no! I already told you I was going to wear blue, you whore. You can’t wear the same color as me, that’s tacky,” Liz complains.

Oh my God, this is not happening right now.

“Fuck your mother. I’m wearing blue. I already found my dress,” Mom argues.

“I’m the mother of the bride. The mother of the f**king bride! That means it’s up to me!” Liz fires back.

“Claire, I think you would look lovely in blue,” Tyler pipes in.

Mom turns to face Tyler and folds her arms on top of the table. “When I’m finished neutering you, I’m going to take your tiny little neuticles and light them on fire.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“What the fuck is that?” I ask Uncle Drew as he walks up to us. “That, my little asshole, is a screaming goat. Molly showed me this awesome video on YouTube and I had to get one,” Uncle Drew says with a huge smile. “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Uncle Drew turns around and points proudly to a little black and white goat tied to one of Aunt Liz and Uncle Jim’s trees. “Isn’t she cute? Her name is Taylor Swift.” “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” the goat screams as she looks right at us. “I don’t even understand what is happening right now,” I reply with a shake of my head. “I’ve been trying to teach her—” “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” “How to sing a—” “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” “Song, but she never comes in at the right—” “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“Uncle Drew shouts. “You are a disgrace. Your mother should have swallowed.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists

“SHE HURT MY NUTS!” Gavin cried, pointing at me. “HE CRASHED HIS HEAD INTO MY NOO-NOO-COW!” I wailed, holding my hands between my legs.”
― Tara Sivec, Love and Lists