Tara Sivec > Quotes

“And let’s face it people, no one is ever honest with you about child birth. Not even your mother.       “It’s a pain you forget all about once you have that sweet little baby in your arms.”     Bullshit.   I CALL BULLSHIT.   Any friend, cousin, or nosey-ass stranger in the grocery store that tells you it’s not that bad is a lying sack of shit.   Your vagina is roughly the size of the girth of a penis.   It has to stretch and open andturn into a giant bat cave so the life-sucking human you’ve been growing for nine months can angrily claw its way out.   Who in their right mind would do that willingly?   You’re just walking along one day and think to yourself, “You know, I think it’s time I turn my vagina into an Arby’s Beef and Cheddar (minus the cheddar) and saddle myself down for a minimum of eighteen years to someone who will suck the soul and the will to live right out of my body so I’m a shell of the person I used to be and can’t get laid even if I pay for it.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw,”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“I'm a quirky, intelligent, dark haired chick!   Me, me, me, pick me!   And who the hell keeps whining and ruining my perfect moment?   I will cut a bitch.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when they cut your wiener,” Gavin sang as he pointed his gun at random objects.
“Wow, cops have gotten pretty hardcore lately” Carter muttered.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“I had been out of the game for too long. I couldn’t even get drunk and flirt anymore. I could however, get drunk and look like a stroke victim.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“I quickly tried to do the math but my brain was a jumbled mess and I couldn’t remember what number comes after potato!”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Did you see that? The fuck I give. It went that way.”
― Tara Sivec, Futures and Frosting

“Pussy punch: when a twat tap just isn't enough”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Water? At a wedding? I don’t understand,” he asks in confusion. “Did you invite Jesus? That’s the only way that will be acceptable.”
― Tara Sivec, Futures and Frosting

“Holy shit, did they just kill off that fish’s wife?” I blurted in shock.
“Yep,” Gavin replied. “That big, mean fish ated her.”
He said it so calmly – like it was no big deal that a sweet, loving cartoon fish just got murdered. What the fuck was wrong with this movie? This couldn’t be appropriate for kids. I didn’t think it was appropriate for me.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“I suddenly had a vision of my sperm swimming around and talking in Bruce Willis’s voice like in Look Who’s Talking. “Come on! Swim faster! This little shit has no idea we escaped from the condom! Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century."

"You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.”
― T.J. Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“All the baby books written by women who had the most perfect birth experience in the world said you should talk to your child in the womb. That was about the only piece of advice I took from those things. Every day I told him if he ruined my vagina I would video tape his birth and show all his future girlfriends what happened to your who-ha when you had sex, ensuring that he will never, ever get laid.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“I remember that night fondly. And by fondly, I mean with bitter resentment toward all things alcoholic and with a penis.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Who keeps putting alcohol in my alcohol?”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Spitters are Quitters”
― Tara Sivec, Futures and Frosting

“I shouldn't be allowed to think when I'm drinking.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“In hind sight, telling him all strangers wanted to eat him wasn’t my finest hour. Having to explain to a bunch of crying children in line to see Santa why my kid was screaming ‘DON’T GO NEAR HIM! HE’LL EAT YOUR FINGERS!’ was no picnic.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Oh my God, I sent a picture of my boobs to Jim," I moaned as a fresh wave of nausea rolled through me.

"You also threw up in the emergency room parking lot, called Drew and told him you were the Donkey Punch Dick Queen and filled out a Last Will and Testament on a Burger King napkin and then asked the drive-thru worker to notarize it.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Oh Sweet Jesus. Sweet mother fucking fuckery of fucks.”
― Tara Sivec, Futures and Frosting

“No one likes an ugly crier. It's uncomfortable for all parties involved.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“I was going to have to tell people I got fired from selling dildos. I can't even sell fake cocks to a room full or horny women. How do you come back from that shit?”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Say it,” he whispers. “I missed out on this the first time. I want to hear you say it.”
― Tara Sivec, Futures and Frosting

“Right when my fingers started to slip inside my underwear, I opened my eyes and screamed.     "HOLY SHIT!"     My son stood there next to the bed just staring at me. Seriously, two inches from my face just staring at me like those creepy twins in "The Shining." I waited for him to start saying, "Come play with us" in their freaky twin voices while I tried not to have a heart attack.     "Gavin, seriously. You can't just stand here and stare at mommy. It's weird," I grumbled as I put my hand to my aching head and tried to calm my pounding heart.       Sweet Jesus, who kicked me in the head and shit in my mouth last night?     "You said a bad word, Mommy,”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“I love you more than a hooker loves free VD testing day at the clinic”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“I'm gonna make like a fetus and head out.”
― Tara Sivec, Futures and Frosting

“I am plenty romantic. Just this morning while he slept, I had left Carter a box of his favorite candy next to his pillow - Globs: piles of white chocolate covered, crushed potato chips and pretzels drizzled with caramel. I figured it would soften him up to the note I placed next to the box telling him if he left the toilet seat up one more time and my ass got an involuntary bath at six in the morning, I would put super glue on the head of his penis while he slept. I had even signed the note with a couple of Xs and Os. Who says romance is dead?”
― Tara Sivec, Futures and Frosting

“I love both of you exactly the way you are. I love that you have no filter, and I adore that Gavin can make grown men cry. There is not one thing I would change about either of you, and if anyone doesn’t like it, they can kiss my ass. You guys are my life and my family now. Nothing else matters.”
― Tara Sivec, Futures and Frosting

“Aaarrggg, ahoy me matey, thars a great grand vagina over yonder." Penises talk like pirates when I'm drunk.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Seriously? There was a condom brand called Rough Rider? Why not just go with F**k Her Hard and be done with it?”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks