You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother Quotes

“To deny someone's feelings or experiences it to literally deny their reality.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother! Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“Try to come to a place where you accept your own imperfections. Where it's okay to be less than perfect. Because you are less than perfect; it‟s the human condition. And that's okay!”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother! Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“Our Narcissistic Mother told us a Big Lie. She told it subliminally if not in actual words. And The Big Lie was this: If we tried hard enough we could win her approval and her love. If we were good enough, or wise enough, or beautiful enough, or that-magical-unspecified-ingredient enough. In other words, if we achieved perfection, she would love us.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother! Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“There is nothing left for you to try. It is time for you to walk away, to concentrate on your healing (of which more below) and to create your own life in your own way, to create the life you deserve. It is time for you to put your energy into finding and creating healthy mutually-empowering relationships and not to waste time banging on a door that will never open.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“Being raised by a narcissist is a special kind of crazy. It is a pure and lasersharp form of psychological and emotional abuse. But even more devastatingly, it is an invisible abuse. Neither the perpetrator nor the victim even knows it‟s happening. The perpetrator, the narcissist, doesn‟t think she‟s abusing anyone because, by definition, she‟s perfect, remember, and perfect people don‟t do imperfect things like abuse people. And the abuse victim, the daughter – this would be you – doesn‟t realise she‟s abused because she believes her mother‟s lies and thinks that everything is her fault, that she is the one who is broken.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother! Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“The pain of her letting me go so easily.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“narcissistic mothers are very quick to criticise others. As everything is about her, she can have this odd way in which she takes others’ differing opinions or tastes as a personal affront to her. She doesn’t merely disagree with them; rather she is offended by them. This makes sense in that backwards narcissistic way, as, since she’s perfect, her opinion and tastes are the right ones and the others’ are wrong. And worse, by having those different opinions and tastes, the others are implicitly criticising hers! No wonder she’s offended.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“Being my mother doesn’t give her a licence to abuse me.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“Even though I know that this hope that my mother will love me, and be the kind, loving, interested, nurturing mother that I so want, need, and deserve … even though that hope is a vain one, and I know it’s a vain one, it’s too hard to let it go. The alternative is accepting that I will never, ever have a mother, and that’s too hard for me to face. Even though I just cannot let go of this hope – no matter that I know it would free me – I love and accept myself anyway. Even though I keep clinging to this hope, despite everything, despite all the evidence, and I know it’s not doing me any favours, I love and accept myself anyway.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“You have more power than you realise. There is nothing your mother can really do. Her Narcissistic Rage is only toddlers’ tantrums, and can be seen as such. Her Narcissistic Huff is just a sulk.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“She might hate your partner. But she might not … Here’s the thing. She wants you weak and scared and isolated and vulnerable. She does not want you to be strong and empowered. So if you get together with a partner who empowers you and supports you and is good to you, she may well hate that, and may do all in her power to sabotage that relationship. Get together with a narcissist or other abuser though, and she’s quite happy …”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“The pain of this rejection is so deep.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“The truth is that when she didn’t nurture me, or meet my needs, it was because of a failing in her.  I was only a little girl. I didn’t know that. I thought it was my fault. I came to the conclusion that I don’t deserve nurturing, and I have believed that ever since.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“Remember I spoke earlier of how there are three layers of abuse to this NPD? The first layer is our mother’s abuse. The second layer is her denial of it and invalidation of our experiences. The third layer is society’s denial of it, and invalidation of our experiences. And if you go No Contact, it’s very possible that others – neighbours, friends, extended family – will judge you harshly for it. This can be difficult to deal with. As Lucinda on the forum said, ‘I struggled with this because I thought their opinions of me somehow defined who I really was. If they thought I was bad it felt like I really was bad.’ She then realised, however, ‘When I got to know myself I realized I'm fine just the way I am. I know I’m a good person. Other people's opinions are just their opinions, they are not who I am.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“In a million ways, a million times, you were told and taught and shown that you did not matter and had no value. And you believed it. And you brought that feeling into your adult life.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“She’s a master of projection. 'Projection' in this context means the psychological tendency to see one's undesirable traits in another. And narcissists cannot, of course, bear to own their undesirable traits, so they have to get rid of them, so to speak, as soon as possible. So they hand them to the nearest recipient who'll take them. And their children are of course very handy for this, as they unquestioningly believe their parents.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“Many [Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers] DONMs have a deeply buried sense that we are inherently flawed. That there is something twisted and evil and nasty and noxious and poisonous about us, and that we were born that way. It‟s part of who we are rather than just something we do. This brings with it a huge all-encompassing sense of shame.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother! Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“The truth is:
You are not broken in need of fixing. You are, rather, wounded in need of healing.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“Even though part of me believes that it’s not right to get over this issue, maybe it’s not safe to get over the issue, I won’t know who I’ll be without this issue, or I don’t deserve to get over the issue, or it’s not safe to get over the issue, or maybe some other block I can’t even think of, but I need to hang onto this issue, I choose to reassure this part now that it’s okay to let go of the issue. It  is safe to release the issue. I do deserve to heal the issue. I’ll still be me once I’ve healed the issue. It’s okay to release the issue.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“The false image and beliefs she gave you both manifest as a little voice – the negative self-talk”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“When you‟re taught from birth that you don‟t matter in any way, that your wants and even needs are irrelevant, then of course you‟ll struggle to value yourself.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother! Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“And there’s a kind of existential loneliness, too, if that doesn’t sound too flowery. We can struggle with feeling we belong anywhere. After all, if we didn't belong in our own family, where can we belong?”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“Loneliness can be a big issue. Even if you’re in touch with your family, there is an existential loneliness in your relationship with them. The real you can never connect with them because they don't want to know the real you, and it’s not safe to be vulnerable with them.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“Our bad emotions such as anger or hurt – especially if she was the one causing the anger or hurt – were definitely not allowed. Even if the problem wasn’t caused by her - say a skinned knee or a disappearing boyfriend – she most likely didn’t want us annoying her with our upset. The only way it would be permitted would be if she were feeding off the drama of it, and in that case we probably didn’t feel comfortable expressing those emotions as we knew somehow the response was wrong.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“And so we continue to believe that we have to strive for this elusive perfection, that at some future time we'll succeed. And therefore, we take over where she left off, beating ourselves up for not being perfect. For being human. For making normal human mistakes.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“The reality, however, is that the solution was never in our hands. There was nothing we could have done to win her love or approval. Withholding those things gave her power because it kept us clingy and focused on her. So she kept moving the goalposts to make sure we never were perfect enough, or good enough. It was a complete no-win game.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“We keep going back to her hoping that this time it'll be different. This time she'll be the mother we need her to be. This time she'll support us in our grief, applaud us in our success, be good company with no agenda. This time she'll accept us as we really are, and love us for it. And she never does.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“I now experience a drop of grief every time I see another mother do those things for her children. I never had those things, and in a way we don’t miss what we never had, but in another way we miss it dreadfully, even if we cannot articulate it.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“She never allows you to be your authentic self. Whenever I pulled up outside my parents’ house, I sat for a moment before getting out of the car. And in that moment I could feel myself folding my true authentic Self away. What went into their house was effectively a cardboard cut-out that looked exactly like me, but was not ‘me’ in any real sense. Because, I had learned over many years that the real authentic true me was not welcome. The real me was not approved of, or even tolerated.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

“She might make you overly independent too young.”
― Danu Morrigan, You're Not Crazy—It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers