Fifty-one Shades Quotes

“I like my tea like I like my men,” I say. With the last name “Grey.” But I realize that’s too forward, so I add, “Black.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“I mean, not that I exclusively like black men,” I say, trying to recover. “I like other kinds of tea. And men.”

“Have you ever tasted...white tea, Anna?”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“As I brush my long, brown hair, the girl in the mirror with blue eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait...I don’t have blue eyes! Then I realize I haven’t been looking into the mirror. I’ve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is actually fine.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“For the first time since he showed up in my checkout lane, I let my eyes wander the full length of his body. The bulge in his running down the side of his pants leg is quite noticeable; either he has a banana in his pocket, or he’s happy to see me. Then I notice a similar bulge running down the side of his other pants leg. Either he has two bananas in his pockets, or he has two erections.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“My shift isn’t over until six,” I say glumly.

“Hold on,” he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. “I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off.”

“I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me,” I say.

“I’m your boss, Anna.”

“What do you mean?”

There’s that smile again, the one with all those teeth. “I just bought Walmart,” he says.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“Stop it, girl. There’s no way he’s five-years-old. Or one hundred. He’s probably like every other CEO on the planet: Late twenties, handsome in that geeky sort of way, and just as awkward as you. I breathe a sigh of relief, because I know I’m probably right.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“No man is an island,” he says. “Islands are made of dirt and rocks and trees. I don’t know any people made of such things. Therefore, people are not islands.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“I growl with frustration at my reflection in the mirror. Damn my hair – it’s fifty shades of fucked up. The situation I’m in is fifty shades of fucked up. I’m supposed to be studying for my finals; my roommate, Kathleen, should be the one fussing with her hair in front of the mirror right now. Instead, I’m trying to brush my hair into submission. Why is my hair so kinky? I need to stop sleeping with it wet, because it always ends up out of control. As I brush my long, brown hair, the girl in the mirror with blue eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait...I don’t have blue eyes! Then I realize I haven’t been looking into the mirror. I’ve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is actually fine.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“Mr. Gray,” I mutter. He’s smiling again like the Big Bad Wolf who wants to eat me. And boy, do I want him to eat m–

“I just happened to be in the area,” he says, cutting off my internal monologue. “I needed to pick up a few supplies, and here you are. What a pleasant surprise.” His voice is cool and husky like a Wendy’s Frosty shake, with just a little bit of grit (also like a Frosty).”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“Who is this man I’m supposed to interview, this man whose last name is the same as the color of my sweatpants? Is that a sign?”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“He hands me his shopping list and I lead him through the store in search of the items. Duct tape? Plastic wrap? A hacksaw? Who is this guy, Dexter?”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“I shake his hand, and feel the jolt of electricity again from him. He laughs and raises his hand to show me the joy-buzzer in his palm.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“It’s fifteen minutes until two when I arrive – just in time for the interview. I walk through the glass doors and into the lobby, which is also floor-to-ceiling glass and steel. This fascinates me, because buildings back in Portland are made of grass and mud.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“I have hobbies," he says, smirking. "Physical pursuits: Base-jumping, hang-gliding, underwater basket-weaving.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“She hands me a security badge that says VIRGIN.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“growl”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“The receptionist laughs. “Relax. It just means you’re a first-time visitor here at Gray Holdings.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“kinky”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“The people are so small, they look like ants (although they're Walmart customers, so they look like obese ants).”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“The building is a ginormous 175-story office building that juts into the sky like a glass and steel erection.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“She hands me a security badge that says VIRGIN. How could she know that I’m a virgin? Is it that obvious? “How did you –”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“Most times, my mind is just an ongoing, present-tense, first-person monologue. It's like I'm writing a novel.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“I arrive at the Gray Holdings headquarters in downtown Seattle two hours later. The building is a ginormous 175-story office building that juts into the sky like a glass and steel erection. It’s fifteen minutes until two when I arrive – just in time for the interview. I walk through the glass doors and into the lobby, which is also floor-to-ceiling glass and steel. This fascinates me, because buildings back in Portland are made of grass and mud.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“roommate,”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody