Bloodsucking Fiends Quotes

“He was a writer and words were his weapons.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“I've won Satan's lottery.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“The Winter Woman is as wild as a blizzard, as fresh as new snow. While some see her as cold, she has a fiery heart under that ice-queen exterior. She likes the stark simplicity of Japanese art and the daring complexity of Russian literature. She prefers sharp to flowing lines, brooding to pouting, and rock and roll to country and western. Her drink is vodka, her car is German, her analgesic is Advil. The Winter Woman likes her men weak and her coffee strong. She is prone to anemia, hysteria, and suicide.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“She doesn't understand that a writer is a special creature--that I'm different from everyone else. I'm not saying I'm superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“She's evil. Evil, evil, evil. I want to see her naked.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“He shuffled along with the hang-dog look of the cosmically fucked.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“You're going to break my heart, aren't you?”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“Sweetheart, wake up; you've destroyed the house and I need you to suffer for it.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“They were told what they wanted and they believed it. They can only keep their dream alive by being with others like themselves who will mirror their illusions.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“Privacy is a wonderful thing. Like love, privacy is most manifest in its absence.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“She had a lot of nerve signing her note "Love." [...] But she did sign it that way: "Love." What did that mean? Did she mean it, or was it habit? She probably signed all of her letters with "Love." Dear Insured, We are sorry but your policy will not pay for your barium enema as it was done for recreational purposes. Love, Jody. Claims Dept...
Maybe not.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“A woman’s magazine quiz:

Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, “Was it good for you?”

You:
a. Say, “God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life”
b. Say, “Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man.”
c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, “That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“How could you deal with a creature as devious as woman.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“Tommy moved on. "Lash, your people have been oppressed for hundreds of years. It's time to strike back. Look, you don't have your MBA yet - they haven't completely juiced you of your usefulness yet. Would Martin Luther King back down from this challenge? Malcolm X? James Brown? Don't you have a dream? Don't you feel good, like you knew that you would, now?”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“You sure about this writer thing son?”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“People always stay the age that they died at. My big brother died of leukemia when I was six. He was eight. Now when I think of him, he's always eight, and he's still my big brother. He never changes, and the part of me that remembers him never changes.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“[in reference to turkey bowling] He [Tommy] squinted and picked his target, then took his steps and sent the bird sliding down the aisle. A collective gasp rose from the crew as the fourteen-pound, self-basting, fresh-frozen projectile of wholesome savory goodness plowed into the soap bottles like a freight train into a chorus line of drunken grandmothers.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“This is the man who called the fire department when the toilet backed up, and I'm asking him for help. What was I thinking? Why am I attracted to weak men?”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“Inspector, there's no smoking allowed in here," said a uniformed officer who had been called to the scene.
Cavuto waved to the drawers [at the morgue]. "Do you think they mind?"
The officer shook his head. "No, sir."
Cavuto blew a stream of smoke at Gilbert [a dead guy]. "And him, do you think he minds?"
No, sir."
And you, Patrolman Jeeter, you don't mind, do you?"
Jeeter cleared his throat. "Uh...no, sir."
Well, good," Cavuto said. "Look, on the side of the car, Jeeter. It says 'Protect and Serve' not 'Piss and Moan.'"
Yes, sir.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics?”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“Normally if I met a guy who was unemployed and illiterate who hadn't bathed in a couple of weeks, I'd be standing in a puddle with excitement, but I'm sort of in a bad mood tonight, so take this bag and give me the fu**ing paper before I pop your head like a zit.
He said, you're a lesbian, aren't you?”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“She could hear wisps of fog brushing against the buildings like wet velvet.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“She was twentysix and pretty in a way that made men want to tuck her into flannel sheets and kiss her on the forehead before leaving the room; cute but not beautiful.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“Tommy, I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone before. If you repeat it, I'll deny I said it. Five years ago I saw a white owl with a seventy-foot wingspan swoop out of the sky and pluck a demon off a hillside and take off into the sky."

"I heard that cops get the best drugs," Tommy said.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“Ten salespeople, all young, all dressed in generic cotton casual, looked up from their conversations, spotted the money in her hand, and simultaneously stopped breathing-their brains shutting down bodily functions and rerouting the needed energy to calculate the projected commissions contained in Jody's cash. One by one they resumed breathing and marched toward her, a look of dazed hunger in their eyes: a pack of zombies from the perky, youthful version of The Night of the Living Dead. "I wear a size four and I've got a date in fifteen minutes," Jody said. "Dress me." They descended on her like an evil khaki wave.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“He slowed to a walk. As he approached her he was surprised at just how pretty she was. She looked a little like Maureen O'Hara in those old pirate movies. His writer's mind kicked in and he thought, This woman could break my heart. I could crash and burn on this woman. I could lose this woman, drink heavily, write profound poems, and die in the gutter of turberculosis over this woman.

This was not an unusual reaction for Tommy. He had it often, mostly with girls who worked the drive-through windows at fast-food places. He would drive off with the smell of fries in his car and the bitter taste of unrequited love on his tongue. It was usually good for at least one short story.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“Tommy had completely forgotten that he was horny. He had always been horny, and had accepted that he always would be horny. So when Jody sat down across from him and the tsunami of hormones washed over him, he was quite shocked that he had ever forgotten.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“This is fucking magic, she thought. This isn't some story out of one of Tommy's books. This isn't something you can experiment with in the bathroom. This is not natural, and whatever I am, it isn't natural. A vampire is magic, not science.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“No." Tommy turned and headed toward the door. As he reached it he turned and said, "I'm not fucked." The Sartre reader looked up from his book and said, "We all are. We all are.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends