Dumb White Husband vs. the Grocery Store Quotes

“his wife appeared at the window and plastered the sheet of paper to his window. “You forgot the list.” He rolled down the window. “I don’t need a list.” She lowered the list. “What’s on it?” “Lemons, tomato, chicken breast and…shit!” What was the fourth thing? “Here”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dumb White Husband vs. the Grocery Store

“The announcers were saying something. He ignored them too. They were idiots. “Honey?”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dumb White Husband vs. the Grocery Store

“With frantic abandon, John forced his purchases into bags as he waited for the total. “Sir.” John turned to see apron-boy standing behind a central podium that oversaw the self-checkout area. “Yeah?” “The dog food.” John looked to the bottom of the cart and the green bag of dog food that proclaimed to be “now tastier than ever.” He thought for a second about how much he didn’t care if his dog thought the dog food was tastier than ever and then bent down to get the bag. Halfway down he remembered the scanning gun attached to the checkout. Snatching it from its holster, he pointed it at the oversized barcode on the dog food. Beep. “Ha,” he spun the scanning gun like a six-shooter and placed it back in the holster. “Please place item in bagging area.” “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me! There’s no room in the bagging area you stupid piece of…” “Is”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dumb White Husband vs. the Grocery Store

“The idiot that had designed the self-checkout lane was an idiot.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dumb White Husband vs. the Grocery Store

“The game was loud. He could pretend not to hear. He inched down into the faux-suede. The announcers were saying something. He ignored them too. They were idiots. “Honey? Did you hear me?” No, he didn’t hear her. He chose not to hear her. It was one of his super powers – like heat vision, but more practical and was less likely to start a fire. A”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dumb White Husband vs. the Grocery Store