Benjamin Wallace > Quotes

“Small talk had been replaced by a general reminiscence that people called “remember when.” “Remember when there was electricity?” “Remember when we could crap indoors?” “Remember when mutants didn’t roam the land trying to eat your face off?”
― Benjamin Wallace, Knights of the Apocalypse

“You needed friends. A dead phone provided no companionship; an empty house no comfort. The latest fashions provided no food, but you could always eat a close friend.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors

“I’m not an asshole because I don’t like people. I’m an asshole so people won’t like me.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dads vs. Zombies

“The idiot that had designed the self-checkout lane was an idiot.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dumb White Husband vs. the Grocery Store

“A piece of gum was five tickets. This equated to roughly four dollars by the time it had gone through the “Fun Zone” cash/credit/points/tickets/crap conversion.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dads vs. Zombies

“They kept smart phones in their pockets and family and friends at arm’s length. And when the end came and there was initial chaos and rampant starvation, people learned all too well that you could not rely on stuff. You needed friends. A dead phone provided no companionship, an empty house no comfort. The latest fashions provided no food, but you could always eat a close friend.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors

“Yes,” Chris said. “We outsmarted a bunch of corpses.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dads vs. Zombies

“Look, the piss, the slogans, these are all proven tactics, okay? If only we still had hashtags, that would be something.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Revenge of the Apocalypse

“every news anchor was wiped out with the exception of Brian Williams as he had been doing nothing of note at the time.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Pursuit of the Apocalypse

“Those lucky enough to survive the apocalypse developed an odd relationship with the world that was before the blast. Ready electricity and running water were sorely missed. They missed the security of a world free from vicious mutations and roving gangs of bloodthirsty killers. Everybody missed ice cream.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Knights of the Apocalypse

“was because you had a small penis and the other side had run out of arguments and resorted to third-grade tactics. Every belief was labeled as extreme. Every ideology was decried as far this or far that. Everyone else was either a racist, a misogynist, or a homophobe, Islamophobe, or ammophobe. And everyone was Hitler. Part of the problem was that everyone was an expert on everything so any chance for debate was quashed by superior credentials such as, “I read it on Wikipedia,” or “the TV station that thinks like I do agrees with me and told me everyone else was too stupid to understand.” Opinions were treated like concealed weapons, and every time one was offered it was a showdown. Words turned to sticks and stones and hurt people everywhere. People grew afraid of someone who didn’t agree with them. Friendships were called off, family was ostracized, and we all went to our separate corners to gloat and pout. But even that didn’t help, because the rules of acceptable beliefs within each group became so complex they began to conflict with one another, and it became a choir-to-choir shouting match. Even atheists were trying to prove they were holier than thou. Irony went completely unnoticed. There was no pleasing anyone. In the end it was best if you just didn’t feel anything at all. - An entry from the journal of the Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warrior dated “after”
― Benjamin Wallace, Pursuit of the Apocalypse

“Before the apocalypse, there was a certain dignity in having a quiet drink in one’s office. The day’s work accomplished, laid out before you, and a shot of bourbon or whiskey was a celebration of a job well done. Mayor David Wilson realized that all the dignity was lost when drinking a batch of grain alcohol—made in the town’s spare bathtub—from a Gerber baby food jar. He slammed the empty bottle on the desk”
― Benjamin Wallace, Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors

“Part of the problem was that everyone was an expert on everything so any chance for debate was quashed by superior credentials such as, “I read it on Wikipedia,” or “the TV station that thinks like I do agrees with me and told me everyone else was too stupid to understand.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Pursuit of the Apocalypse

“Complacency precedes catastrophe,”
― Benjamin Wallace, Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors

“The game was loud. He could pretend not to hear. He inched down into the faux-suede. The announcers were saying something. He ignored them too. They were idiots. “Honey? Did you hear me?” No, he didn’t hear her. He chose not to hear her. It was one of his super powers – like heat vision, but more practical and was less likely to start a fire. A”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dumb White Husband vs. the Grocery Store

“The announcers were saying something. He ignored them too. They were idiots. “Honey?”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dumb White Husband vs. the Grocery Store

“The less government interferes with private pursuits, the better for general prosperity,”
― Benjamin Wallace, Junkers Season Two

“It wasn’t surprising. The majority of the world had pursued the accumulation of stuff: bigger homes, fancier cars, more advanced TVs, smart phones, and more. They kept smart phones in their pockets and family and friends at arm’s length. And when the end came and there was initial chaos and rampant starvation, people learned all too well that you could not rely on stuff. You needed friends. A dead phone provided no companionship, an empty house no comfort. The latest fashions provided no food, but you could always eat a close friend.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Boom Box (Duck & Cover Adventures Books 1-3)

“With frantic abandon, John forced his purchases into bags as he waited for the total. “Sir.” John turned to see apron-boy standing behind a central podium that oversaw the self-checkout area. “Yeah?” “The dog food.” John looked to the bottom of the cart and the green bag of dog food that proclaimed to be “now tastier than ever.” He thought for a second about how much he didn’t care if his dog thought the dog food was tastier than ever and then bent down to get the bag. Halfway down he remembered the scanning gun attached to the checkout. Snatching it from its holster, he pointed it at the oversized barcode on the dog food. Beep. “Ha,” he spun the scanning gun like a six-shooter and placed it back in the holster. “Please place item in bagging area.” “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me! There’s no room in the bagging area you stupid piece of…” “Is”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dumb White Husband vs. the Grocery Store

“this is the worst apocalypse ever.” “Well,”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dads vs. Zombies

“It’s a bomb’s nature to change the landscape a bit. It makes green things brown, tall things short and living things dead. But, more than rearranging the scenery, it changes people.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors

“his wife appeared at the window and plastered the sheet of paper to his window. “You forgot the list.” He rolled down the window. “I don’t need a list.” She lowered the list. “What’s on it?” “Lemons, tomato, chicken breast and…shit!” What was the fourth thing? “Here”
― Benjamin Wallace, Dumb White Husband vs. the Grocery Store

“People grew afraid of someone who didn’t agree with them. Friendships were called off, family was ostracized, and we all went to our separate corners to gloat and pout. But even that didn’t help, because the rules of acceptable beliefs within each group became so complex they began to conflict with one another, and it became a choir-to-choir shouting match. Even atheists were trying to prove they were holier than thou. Irony went completely unnoticed. There was no pleasing anyone. In the end it was best if you just didn’t feel anything at all. - An entry from the journal of the Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warrior dated “after”
― Benjamin Wallace, Pursuit of the Apocalypse

“Just before the world ended, people hated the word moist. Poverty was still a problem. Terrorism was a big issue at the time. Genocide was always happening somewhere. But you had to be careful when using the word moist. It was acceptable if you were describing cake, but if you used it in any other sense you were sure to get a talking to. Most people didn’t know a terrorist personally. If we had, then maybe more of us would have told them off with stern words and clever slogans. You couldn’t yell at poor people at all. It wasn’t acceptable. You couldn’t even wonder out loud why they were poor without being an insensitive ass. You couldn’t even suggest a new solution to the problem without being labeled horrible things. Perhaps it was this lack of outlet that caused so much frustration regarding the word moist. We couldn’t do anything about international terror or rampant poverty, but we could always chastise a friend for using a word that made them uncomfortable. Maybe this is why so much effort was put into hating the word. They scorned their friends whenever it was used and followed the scorning with a two-minute rant about how much they hated the word. They spent time and creative resources developing flowcharts for when the word was appropriate and clever cartoons to express just how much it annoyed them when it was used outside of cake references. They shared all of this on social media and built a wall of criticism that kept people in check. We could shut out what we didn’t want to hear. We felt free to berate anyone who thought different than us. By doing this, we fought the good fight. We were activists despite our inactivity. Moist was a line drawn in the sand and we stood behind our walls daring anyone to cross it. It may seem silly now. It may seem that our outrage was misdirected, but it made us feel safe. We stood behind our walls fighting our own battles against the things that offended us most. Times were good as long as the real problems were well outside our walls.”
― Benjamin Wallace, Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors