Hexed Quotes

“My neighbor raised a shaking index finger to point at the saguaro. "That moving cactus...and the big bug...and you, you spooky bastard. What are you?

I stuffed my hands in my pockets and grinned winningly at him. "Why, I'm the Antichrist, of course.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“Brighid’s eyes flashed with a blue flame, and I wondered if she had learned to do that just so she could compete with the Morrigan’s red flashes. Maybe I should try to figure out how to make my eyes flash green so I could freak out the baristas at Starbucks. “No, you foolish mortal,” I’d say as my eyes glowed, “I ordered a nonfat latte.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“Oh. Oberon looked at me. I know that has to make you sad. But call to me instead, Atticus. I'll always answer. Your fly has been open all this time, by the way, and Granuaile hasn't said a thing.

Thanks, buddy, I said silently as I tried to surreptitiously zip up my jeans.

See? I got your back AND your front. I deserve a treat.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“Dude. If that was a Shakespearean quote duel, he just kicked your ass.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“You're trying to be cool now, Leif? Seriously?"

"I am the shit, home slice, straight up," he replied.

"No. I mean, don't get me wrong, this is a great effort, but you still need to use more contractions. And your tone is so formal, it's like you're complimenting the pudding at a duke's dinner party."

"Fucking H!" the vampire shouted, shaking his free left fist. He enunciated the g very clearly and projected his voice from his diaphragm, like a trained opera singer.

"It's fuckin' A, not H, but yeah Leif, go ahead, let's throw down.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“Peace be with you," I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, "and asskicking be with me.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“She thinks petting me is an honor. This is an unexpected position to take for a goddess of slaughter, but I applaud her defiance of convention.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“Icy glares from vampires are far icier than icy glares from people and when the vampire giving you an icy glare is originally from Iceland, you're confronted with the archetypal origin of the term, and you shouldn't be surprised if your core body temperature drops a few degrees.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“You know how people are always threatenin' to shove this or that up someone's ass, but they never really do it? Well, now there's a new story gonna be told 'round the fire: 'How Coyote Shoved An Arrow Up A Fallen Angel's Ass.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“Tell her I am Peace Dawg but I think her cats are closely allied with The Man.
I'm going to stick it to them.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“The gods damn you, look what you've done! If I want to grow this back, I'll have to endure the most terrifying sex imaginable! Gaahhhhhhh!”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“Yes and I appreciate it. But this is going to be difficult enough without running my words through a filter of illiteracy.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“The tendency of modern American women to exclaim 'Hiiiiiiiiiiii!' in soprano octaves and hug each other upon sight can be disconcerting to those unfamiliar with it.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“They'll have to bring in Mulder an' Scully, because there ain't no CSI on the planet that'll ever be able to explain this.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“I had an ASU student looking for it in my shop last week, and he defined the Bacchants for me as 'those drunk chicks who killed that one dude because he wouldn't have sex with them.' His professors must be so proud. I asked him if he knew what maenads were, and instead of correctly answering that it was just another name for Bacchants, he bizarrely thought I was referring to my own testicles - as in, "'Ere now, mate, don't swing that bat around me nads.'" The conversation deteriorated quickly after that.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“I'm not a proper anything. Majoring in philosophy kind of turns positive assertions into maybes.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“The answer to enemies who heal annoyingly fast is always, always decapitation. That is why swords will never go out of style.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“Out, out, thou strumpet Fortune!" I cried with all the venom of Charlton Heston.

Oberon asked.

"It's a Shakespearean word for whore."

<"Cool word! It rhymes with trumpet. And pump it. Why didn't the Black Eyed Peas use it in their song? Aren't rappers always looking for cool new rhymes? They should kick it old school with the Bard.>”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“Bullshit, as you Americans say.
He's Irish.
The Irish say bullshit too.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“Well o' course she's feelin' dandy! She's the mother o' God for the love o' Pete!”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“I tend to vacillate between belief systems. Right now I'm kind of checking out the whole buffet, you know, and maybe in a little while I'll decide on what I want to put on my plate and chow down on.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“Douglas Adams was right: There is nothing so massively useful in the universe as a towel.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“No. See, when you throw up you're vomiting, but when you throw down you're starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet."
"Ohhhh," he said. "I thought you were speaking literally."
"I do beg your pardon. Let's literally throw up, but figuratively throw down.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“That's the famous vampire Helgarson you're riding with, isn't it? Is he fond of lattes?"
"I don't know." I looked over at Leif, who was grinning-he was hearing both sides of the conversation, of course-and said, "Malina wants to know if you like lattes, and I want to know if you're famous."
"No to both," he said, as we screamed onto the 202 on-ramp.
"Sorry, Malina," I said to the phone. "He's not famous."
"Perhaps it would be better to call infamous. It is irrelevant at this point. What is relevant is that my sisters and I are not great warriors. Were the odds even and they did not cheat with modern weapons, I would say, yes, we could walk in and win a magical battle against most opponents. But we are outnumbered more than three to one."
"How many are there?"
"Twenty-two. Some of them have firearms, but they are not great warriors either. And while they may be expecting you, Mr. O'Sullivan, they will not be expecting Mr. Helgarson to get involved. I imagine the two of you together will be quite formidable."
"She's complimenting our martial prowess, Leif," I said to him.
"I feel more manly already," He said. The short distance on the 202 was already covered and we were merging onto the southbound 101.
"Hey, Malina, tell me how much you want to see us play with our swords.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“How can I be assured the apple you bring me is Idunn's?
Well, it'll be golden, for one thing, and after you take a bite of it you should feel pretty fucking good.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“She switched from ecstasy to embarrassment at about Mach five.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“I hoped you would consider it seriously instead of laughing at it.'

'Mr. Chamkanni said much the same thing in bed the first night home from the
hospital”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“It's all Irish politics."
Hal looked at me sharply and shook a finger in my face. "That's bloody dangerous, getting involved in that. You be careful."
I gaped at Hal. "I can't believe you just said that to me."

"What?" Hal protested, shrugging his shoulders and looking aggrieved.
"I called to ask Gunnar for help with the Bacchants yesterday and he shut me down. No well-wishing, no pleas to be careful, nothing. So now we're dealing with the aftermath of what happens when I try to go it alone, , and you tell me to be careful about Irish politics?"

"Well, I know precisely where Gunnar's coming from. It's not our job to keep the magical peace."
"Neither is it mine."
”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“Mr. Tall, Blonde and Lightning”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed

“If I waved that in front of a museum curator, he'd promptly lose control of his salivary glands.”
― Kevin Hearne, Hexed