Unscrewed Quotes

“A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“It ate a party till someone ends up naked.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn't give a shit if she's fond of you are not”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“Trust is important to any relationship… and easier to come by if you get a picture of a guy's wife buck naked.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“There isn't much a pan of warm Brownies and a glass of milk will fix. In less it's low grain prices. Or poverty. Or the national debt. I guess there are a few things, but nothing you have to worry about right this minute.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“In 50 years it won't matter if he's handsome, ugly, or dumb as a post, just try to find someone who don't make you want to shove a pitchfork up his nose.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“She may be an old flame, but she still smokin'.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed

“I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet”
― Lois Greiman, Unscrewed