Jen Harris’s Reviews > Practicing Forgiveness: A Path Toward Healing > Status Update

For example, when recognizing the benefits of reconciliation and the remorse and change in the offender, an individual is not likely to suddenly declare, "We've reached a new point in our relationship, and everything is good!" Rather, the renegotiation of the relationship is an action in which a victim decides to reinvest in the relationship. More colloquially, the jury is still out as to whether this is going to work or not. When making a decision to renegotiate a relationship, there is no promise of success or that one cannot go back to the previous stage of evaluating remorse and change of the offender and come to a different decision all together.

This is a good moment to be reminded that being a forgiving or trusting person is not the goal. Issues of conflict and forgiveness and context-driven and unique processes.

Certainly, there are challenges to pursuing interpersonal forgiveness. The tasks of rebuilding trust, overcoming emotional barriers, and renegotiating a relationship with a person who has been harmful are difficult.

Realizing that you will not get what you wanted from a person is one thing, but resolving to not feel ill will toward an individual requires additional work. One way to address your feelings might be to acknowledge what the offender might be experiencing.

Talking through feelings of fear, anger, and depression can be helpful in moving forward and letting go of ill will toward the offender. One goal in this process is to become comfortable with the realization that feelings of ill will serve little benefit to the victim and may in fact be an impediment to either interpersonal or intrapersonal forgiveness.

Terminating the relationship is not the only option. In some cases, the victim and offender work toward reconciliation because they see some benefit to working through problems and continuing the relationship. When deciding on whether a relationship should be continued or discontinued, adopting a forgiveness strategy that is based on the severity of the pain experienced by the victim and the level of remorse from the perpetrator might be helpful. Remember, a victim is not under any obligation to reconcile a relationship or offer mechila unless the perpetrator has repented and changed. Although the power and decision to forgive debt or reconcile a relationship belong to the victim, it is the offender who must do the work, show the remorse, and change. At the heart of this process, the person harmed can protect oneself from further abuse.

Rather than simply focusing on the practical aspects of the relationship, considering whether a relationship is healthy and worth sustaining is also important. Although walking away from a previously important relationship may be heartbreaking, attempting to mend something that cannot be fixed is an unhealthy endeavor.

Deciding to relinquish what is owed by the offender but ceasing the relationship does not constitute a failure in the relationship but rather a personal strength in the recovering victim. Moreover, making the decision to renegotiate the relationship is not a weakness of the person who was harmed but rather a desire to reformulate a relationship that is mutually empowering, healthy, and beneficial.