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Marilyn Monroe
“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
Marilyn Monroe

Mark Twain
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

Yogi Berra
“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”
Yogi Berra, When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes

Lemony Snicket
“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”
Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

Rodney Dangerfield
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield

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