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Jim's slightly offensive joke thread.
After the Easter Sunday egg hunt, a farm boy played a prank by going to the chicken coop and replaced every egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later, the rooster strutted in, saw the brightly colored eggs, stormed outside, and beat the crap out of the peacock.
An old farmer was helping a calf out of a laboring cow. With a great deal of pulling and no small amount of blood the calf was finally pulled free. When the calf had finally stood and the farmer was cleaning up, he noticed his grandson, visiting from the city had been watching. Not knowing what his grandson knew about the birds and the bees he asked, "Do you have any questions about what happened here?'
The kid was still staring wide eyed. "Just one. How fast was that calf going when he hit that back of that cow?"
A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks, a full sized beer and a shot of beer. He then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a 6" man. Seeing this the bartender asks why the guy brought a doll to the bar. "That's not a doll. That's my buddy Mike."
"Does he move?" asked the bartender.
"Sure, just roll a quarter down the bar and see if he doesn't chase it down."
As instructed the bartender rolls a quarter on the bar and Mike runs over and grabs the quarter and runs back to his beer.
"That's a pretty good trick. Does he talk?" asked the bartender.
"Sure he does. Mike, why don't you tell the man about that time you told that old lady that Voodoo was a bunch of nonsense and she couldn't do anything to you..."
"Which of the following does not belong in this list: herpes, gonorrhea, or a condominium in Cleveland?" "The condo obviously."
"Nope, gonorrhea. It's the only one you can get rid of."
A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby." The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly charged at the man, he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."
The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot the bear."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly!"
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied,"Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
Two sperm are swimming along. The first starts to cry. "What's wrong?" asks the second one. "Are'nt you happy that we're finally on our mission after all the training and waiting?"
"No!" lamented the first. "Maybe you were asleep during anatomy class, but that was the epiglottis we just passed!"
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."
Q: Why don't gang members ever become nuns? A: They just cant say Superior after the word Mother.
Q: What is the difference between a college student and a camel?
A: The camel can go five days without drinking.
Q: What do you get when you cross an alligator with a raiload track?
A: Three pieces of alligator.
A frog was feeling something bad was going to happen to him so he called the Psychic Hotline. The psychic did a reading and said, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." Feeling better, the frog asked, "Where will we meet? Here in my pond or do I have to go somewhere? Will it be long until we meet?"
The psychic does another reading and says, "Next term in her biology lab."
OK. That should be enough to get the ball rolling. I already know these (I keep a folder of them. When I see a new one or hear a new one, I drop it into it.) What I want is a new joke. Thus I will appeal to you all to post one little tiny joke. From the cheesiest knock-knock joke to the oldest limerick, I'll take them all.
Here's two for you: There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "can I help you"?
The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins."
The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!
The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him?
The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left.
He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!
The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."
The duck said, "ok", and left.
The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door.
He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?"
The bartender replied, "No!"
The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"
One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.
She said, "The sky is definately blue!"
"I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?"
Timmy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definately green."
"I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher do farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "no why?"
Johnny says, "Then I definately crapped my pants!"
i don't get the 90 year old man one. 0_o
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Nisha wrote: "i don't get the 90 year old man one. 0_o"The point of the joke was that someone else probably got his 18-yr-old wife pregnant and not himself who is 90 yrs old. Hence, the doctors story and the man saying that someone else must have shot the bear.
Nisha wrote: "Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how man..."lol I love it!
LOL, you guys give good jokes! Keep it up.
To keep up the Little Johnny jokes:The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Little Johnny was left.
"Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, I do. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Stor, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife."
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break upon impact, and her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did you daddy tell you was to be learned from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge... Show him your BADGE!"
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote...
Personally, we didn't care. We came to town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
I am from Iowa, so I have to post this one:Prior to her trip to Iowa, Buffy (a Southern Californian) confided to her co-workers she has three goals for her trip:
1. She wanted to taste some real Iowa beef Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to go to a bona fide farm.
3. She wanted to have sex with an Iowa Farmer.
Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
"Let me tell you, they have a tree out there called a Hickory and when they slow cook that brisket of beef or venison over that Hickory, it's oooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!"
I went to a real farm. Talk about athletes... Guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride around on John Deere tractors, and then they go out at night and drink, dance and hunt! It's just incredible!"
Then they asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real farmer?"
"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
~My husband has that Coppenhagen ring of the back left pocket of his jeans, so I couldn't resist posting this one :P
Because elephants are naturally funny looking they bear the brunt of a number of jokes. With my appologies to any elephants reading this, here is a collection of elephant jokes. Q: What do elephants do for laughs?
A: Tell people jokes.
Q: What game do elephants like to play most?
A: Squash.
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagon Beetle?
A: Five - Two in the back, Two in the front, and one in the glove compartment.
Q: What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
A: An elephant with diahrea.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breathe through that little thing?
Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: The cieling is really close.
Q: How can you tell if there is an elephant in the tub with you?
A: You can smell the peanuts on his breath.
Q: What do elephants have that nobody else can have?
A: Baby elephants.
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A: Their color.
Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the elephants.
Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the plums; she was color blind.
Thanks for the jokes folks. Any response is appreciated. Heck, I'll even take a knock-knock joke if you must.Here's a couple of husband and wife jokes:
What's the worst thing a woman can get on her thirtieth wedding anniversary? - Morning sickness.
A researcher carrying out a survey on marital sex phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: ' In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answereed "once a week", but your wife answered "several times a night".'
'That's right,' said the husband. 'And that's the way it's going to stay until the mortgage is paid off.'
Did you hear that Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for married men? - Every month the centerfold is the same woman.
Why men shouldn't give advice:Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after bring driven a short distance can be caused by a viriety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, John.
Ever wonder in your relationship, how 'The Fight' started?One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No." She answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes"
So I said, "The I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust"
And then the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since..."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but will always have a limp.
Jess, those were great. Thanks.
A man is almost about to dieAs he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thinks a little and says, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said." Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what...A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said, "I love it, but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feather down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she showed him.
He looked up and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said,"Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!"
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping. They put up a tent and soon fall a sleep beyond tired.A few hours later Holmes wakes up his friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see!"
"I see a million stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
Watson thinks for a few moments, then replies, "Astronomically speaking there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets, astrologically Saturn is in Leo, as far as time goes it’s approximately a quarter to 1 a.m., theologically God is almighty and we humans small and insignificant, while meteorologically there’s a nice day ahead of us…Why, what does it tell you?"
"Someone stole our tent!"
Keep them coming!Some more husband and wife jokes for you:
Q: Do married men really live longer?
A: Yes, but they are more willing to die.
A: No, it just feels that way.
Q: Why are single people taxed less than married people?
A: The government wanted everyone to be happy about something.
In love you go to bed early. In marriage you go to sleep early.
A husband to his wife: "How can you say that I don't like your relatives? I like your mother in law twice as much as mine!"
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.
Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
A. See you next period.
Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A. A rumor
Q. What do an airport and a illegal abortion have in common?
A. The Hanger.
Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis...even a thought can raise it.
Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!
Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A. About three inches.
Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
I love Jokes, This is kind of a long one but being from Buffalo, NY I love canadian jokes and more than half of these could be applied to buffalians as well...You know you're from Canada when ...
You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more kilometres on your snow blower than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one metre above ground.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
You find -40C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends
A young woman went to confession. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned," she said. "Last night I let my boyfriend have his way with me. In fact, we enjoyed it so much I let him make love to me seven times." The priest said, "You must go home and suck the juice of seven lemons."
"Will that absolve me?" asked the young woman.
"No," replied the priest, "But it should certainly wipe that smug look off your face."
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here."
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.
"Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."
"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.
Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.
As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.
The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"
The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it." "You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...
"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.
"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
"It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."
The Three Minute Management course: Lesson 1 of 5
A man is getting into the shower as his wife is getting out, when the Doorbell rings. She quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
She opens the door to Fred, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Fred says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, she drops it and stands naked in front of Fred.
After a few seconds, Fred hands her $800 and leaves.
Wrapping herself in the towel, as she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks: "Who was that?"
"It was Fred the next door neighbor" she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders (and Management team), in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2 of 5
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
As she sat in the car, she could not help but reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
He removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak".
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3 of 5
A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie pops out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish".
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world".
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life". Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up", the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch".
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4 of 5
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5 of 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
This ends the 3 minute management course, now get back to work.
Q: Why does a chicken coupe have two doors?A: Because if it had four it would be a sedan.
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
A Stunning Senior MomentA self-important college freshman walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the steps why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one" the student said lound enough for others to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. We have nuclear energy, ships and cell phones, computers with light speed... and many more."
After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows:
"You're right son. We did't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?"
The applause was amazing!
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger having sex with his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?""Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."
Photojim wrote: "The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at ..."
Hilarious.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt... Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" I replied, "It depends. What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "OHIO STATE!" And they say blondes are dumb...-----------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would thinnk if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand my man. Love to forgive him. And patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN.
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the e-mail forler "Instruction Manuals"
You've been warned.