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Jim's slightly offensive joke thread.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '
And they say
blondes are dumb....
At the studio today I said something about Shark Week. Ray, the man for whom I work, said he prefers dolphins. He went on to describe dolphins as "Gay Sharks". Made me laugh so I thought I'd share.
It's shark week eh? Weird I was jut reading about them and they were not talking about the ones what swim in the ocean.
LOL Always helps make it thru the icky 3:00 slump,,now if I just had a decent cup of coffee
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home. ----------------
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
----------------
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
--------------------
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
----------------------
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
---------------------------
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
--------------------
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
------------------
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
-----------------------
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
-------------------------
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
Those are hilarious Jess, I lol'ed at the "redhead" one. Makes me glad I'm not a blonde.
Sej - I am blonde, but I still love the jokes.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way,
cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut
and jaffa cake body wash .
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.
Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!
Jess, I have to take exception with your gross generalization! Having recently re-grouted my shower, I spray Tilex. Otherwise you're pretty accurate. Woo-Woo!
LMAO, that was hilarious Jess! And Jim way TMI!
I was joking. mostly.Q: Why do most men take showers instead of bathing?
A: Because peeing in the bath is just gross.
I'm not a man-hater By the way! lolMen are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ........ Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ........ Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ........ Popcorn ........ They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ........ Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Looking for the perfect woman:An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
Fertility at 65With the modern age of fertility drugs, my 65 year old friend was miraculously able to give birth
The day after she came home from the hospital, I popped around for a visit.
Can I see the new baby? I asked
In just a minute, I'll just put the jug on and we can have a cup of coffee.
Half an hour goes by
Can I see the new baby? I ask.
Not just yet, we can shortly.
More time goes by.
Can I SEE the BABY now? I ask
Not right now!
When CAN I SEE the BABY????
WHEN IT CRIES, MY FRIEND SHOUTS.
Why do I have to wait until the baby CRIES?
BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I PUT IT, OK???
Husband Down A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
One evening Terry went over to his buddy Tony’s house to play cards with some friends. Terry sat directly across from Tony’s wife. Terry accidentally dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked under the table, he saw that Tony’s wife had her legs open and wasn’t wearing panties. Flushed, he sat up before heading to the kitchen to get a drink of water.To his surprise, Tony’s wife had followed him into the kitchen. She asked, “Did you like what you saw?”
Terry said, “Yes I did.”
She said, “Well, you can get more than just a look…for $500. You interested?”
Terry thought it over and said, “Okay.”
“Come back tomorrow at 2:30,” she said. “Tony will be at work.”
Terry went over, they had sex, he paid her and left.
Later, Tony comes home and asks his wife, “Has Terry been over here today?”
Thinking they’d been caught, she said, “As a matter of fact, he did.”
Tony said, “Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 bucks till this evening and said he would leave it here with you.”
An older lady is walking down the street with a full trash-bag in each hand. One bag breaks along the way and out of the hole come pouring 20 dollar bills, but the old lady doesn’t notice.A cop sees what’s happening and steps to the lady. “Ma’am, you’re losing money.”
Granma turns and sees a stream of bills behind her. “Oh, thank you for warning me.”
The cop gets curious. “Where did you get all this money?”
“Well, you see, I live close to a football stadium, and the visitors always come pee at my fence. When they lower the zipper and step close to the fence, I show them my scissors and tell them to pay 20 bucks or I cut it off.”
“I see, good idea,” says the cop. “And what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, not everyone pays.”
A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?" She says, "I'd take half then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6".....
A friend sent me this email and I had to share it. I remember how funny & risqué Hollywood Squares used to be. Enjoy! THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER ..............
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years..
A. George Gobel: Bo y, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaii, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A.. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A.. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A.. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jack ie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
ROFLMAO!!! Omg Sej, that was hilarious! I was laughing so hard but trying not to wake my husband. I had to get a tissue for the tears and my throat hurts now.
LOL glad you liked it! Did you read Missing Missy? That was the best of them all!
Yes, I didn't realize he had a whole slew of them. I'll have fun on that site.
Been a bit since I've posted something really off color. Let me remedy that.**********************************************************
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow , Scotland , he asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... 'Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'
-----------------------------------------------------
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man (a real old timer) then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
You were starting to scare me with the Bono story, but that's freakin' hilarious!!!
ROFL @ the Catholic one and Jim's frog one. LOL!
i try :D
Someone sent me this email and it made me laugh out loud!Important Women's Health Issue:
* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing
to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas
almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can
overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want
to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Please share this with women who may need Margaritas.
I don't know if this one's been mentioned yet but it gets me everytime:Joke on a smart woman...?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,"So you're a
man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
@ Fahmida, that is great! women really are the smarter sex arent' they?
Barbara wrote: "@ Fahmida, that is great! women really are the smarter sex arent' they?"Absolutely. Anyone who disagrees, must be a man ;]
Fahmida wrote: "Barbara wrote: "@ Fahmida, that is great! women really are the smarter sex arent' they?"Absolutely. Anyone who disagrees, must be a man ;]"
Or better informed. :P
Photojim wrote: "Fahmida wrote: "Barbara wrote: "@ Fahmida, that is great! women really are the smarter sex arent' they?"Absolutely. Anyone who disagrees, must be a man ;]"
Or better informed. :P"
You'd like to think so, wouldn't you? :P
haha... i love this joke...Never argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
!!!MORAL!!!
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. :D
lol, my husband - the fisherman - will love this one :)
This one reminds me of one of my neighbours, funny little guy that one.A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming
for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for
fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax
buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool,
William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time,
you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got,
you just calmly kept saying things would be okay William is very lucky
to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the
little bugger's name is Steven"
And no offence intended towards anyone...Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty.
"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second blonde hands the first her money.
"I can't take your money," said Betty. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said Amber. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
From the book Infinie by David Foster Wallace...“Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?"
I give."
You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.”
A husband said he needed more space. So his wife locked him outside.
*************
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Part
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?! Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.