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Jim's slightly offensive joke thread.
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"
Hypnotist at the Senior Center:It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over 300 seniors came to see the show. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SHIT!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Two businessmen in Flordia were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of themen replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."
Don't mess with old people.
Bet you could relate to at least some of these...1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaties would be alot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection . . . again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!) but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste!
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know NOT to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
21. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
22. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
23. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an a-hole from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
26. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
27. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
28. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
29. As a driver, I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
30. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
31. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!!
Q: What do you call 100 heavily armed lesbians?A: Militia Ethridge
Been a few since I've put up a new joke. Also I thought I'd ruffle a few feathers with a couple of jokes aimed at the fairer sex...______________________________________________
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
____________________________________________
On a trans-Pacific flight the captain made a terrible announcement. "I'm sorry to say that we've had a catastrophic failure in our fuel system. At the rate we are losing fuel, we will be making an emergency crash landing in about 10 minutes. While I can only pray that we all survive this ordeal, I suggest you each make your peace with God."
Immediately a beautiful young lady jumped to her feet and yelled, "I'm 21 and have never known the pleasures of life! Quick, someone make a woman of me!"
A man jumped to his feet a few seats away and stripped off is shirt. Handing her is shirt he says, "Here. Iron this."
I am terrible at telling jokes, so please bare with me :)A guy eating in a restaurant calls over the waiter and says: "Waiter, there is ash in my soup."
"Yes, sir", says the waiter " that's because its a no-fly-zone".
Reasons Not To Mess With Children A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a docto r.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
Cute Jess. Thanks for those.
LOL! Ah my daily dose of laughs came through today as well.
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” Satan persisted.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”
You just don't know how much I appreciated this big dose of laughs today! Thanks to all of you for putting a little sunshine into an otherwise very cloudy day!
I don't think I posted this one yet:There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone 'brother'
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Can I get an AMEN!!!
Ha! Pretty funny, I'll give you that.
A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my 'Nana'," said Chris.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" said the teacher.
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo choo," said Mitchell.
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
Q: How do you make holy water?A: You boil the Hell out of it.
Q: Why did god create whiskey?
A: To keep the Irish from ruling the world
At the Hennepin County Medical Center they've built a machine that transfers the pain of childbirth from the mother to the father. It is still experimental though. A couple came in, the mother was going into labor, and the doctors asked them if they would like to try the procedure. Since the doctors promised to be careful, the couple said "sure,go ahead". The medical team started out transferring 5% of the pain. Things seemed okay so they upped it to 15%. At 25%, the husband broke into a sweat. He was a good sport though and kept saying "crank it up a little more". Eventually, knowing that they were making medical history, the couple said "let's go for it" and the doctors turned the dial to 100%. The couple delivered a healthy baby. They took their baby home and found the mailman dead on the front porch.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him.Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: What did god say after creating man?
A: I can do better
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Glue the tv remote to his ankles
Q: How was colonel Saunders a typical man?
A: All he cared about was legs breast and thighs
Q: What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A: A mans undivided attention
Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they want to be on first names terms with the person who makes all the decisions
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
oh why did it take me so long to find this thread.....those are funny - and I needed a laugh today.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color: Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
?
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
Of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
Mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
Yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,"Daddy, look at this" , and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied,
"What happened to my booger?"
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
Jess wrote: "DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,"Daddy, look at this" , an..."
LOL! Eeeewwwww!
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "Fuck!," the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
The 4 Worms Church Sermon.For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap:
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - DEAD
The second worm in cigarette smoke - DEAD
The third worm in chocolate syrup - DEAD
The fourth work in good clean soil - ALIVE
So the minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service.
TAX TIMEA woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc
and then asks, " What’s your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "Okay, I'm a h igh-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken farmer it is!"
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, Can You tell me where the Post Office is?"The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a police officer came in for a haircut and, when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The officer was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
A congressman came in for a haircut and, when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen congressman lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
A man asked an Americna Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She called Five Horses".The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG."
Q: What do you do when confronted by a gang of vicious clowns?A: Go for the jugular.
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples."Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are changing in a health club when a man wearing nothing but a mask runs into the womens locker room, shakes his privates at the ladies, and runs off.Since she had a good look at all the man had to offer, the brunette said, "Well, at least he's not my husband."
The redhead says , "You're right, that's not your husband."
The blonde says, "In fact, he doesn't even belong to this club!"
♥Lisa♥ wrote: "A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't ..."I would then take the gun and just shot him!LOL
Hey Jim, let me see if i got this right. Either the women ALL slept with the brunette's husband or ALL the women slept with ALL the men in the health club?
Rossy, I figured ALL the women slept with the brunette's husband, but the blonde slept with ALL the men in the health club.
Rossy, Sandra pegged it in one. Yes, I know a joke never works if you have to explain it. So in this instance it wasn't a very good joke. Sorry. I was fairly drunk at the time of the posting.Most humor is based on stereotypes, prejudices, and the misfortunes of others. In this particular joke, the classification of women by hair color is being promulgated. (Perhaps promulgate is a bit strong, maybe inferred is not strong enough.)
To break down the explanation of the joke - and thus really drive this into the ground: A brunette, the 'normal' hair color, would of course be able to recognize her own husbands naked body but no other. Thus her announcement. The redhead is also apparently familiar with the brunette's husband's naked body. Women with red hair are viewed as more sexually expressive, aggressive, and 'fiery'. The fact that she has chosen a married man as her lover does not seem to deter her in the least. Finally, the blond is apparently familiar with the naked bodies of every man who is a member of the club. Thus the stereotype of blonds being 'easy' and sleeping with anyone is continued.
It should be noted that the promiscuity of the women is what is drawn into question and not the men. The husband, even after having slept with at least three women, is never challenged and is not the but of the joke. Furthermore, the masked flasher is also not castigated.
Finally, this joke is somewhat atypical in that most jokes broadly lumping women together by hair color are almost always making inferences about the women's intelligence. There are a couple of others concerning sexual promiscuity, personality, and/or morals but they are far in the minority.
If you need me to explain any others to you, just ask and I'll do my best to help you understand. (And because I'm in a beating a dead horse mood: Yes, that line was meant in an obviously playful yet patronizing manner. It infers that I'm smarter or better than you in some form. However the antagonism displayed should be tempered with other bombastic praise that I've heaped upon you in the past. In other words, while a line dripping with sarcasm such as this when exchanged between strangers is rather inflammatory, between friends it is gentle affectionate teasing.
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat.The boy turns to his mother and says "Do you want me to tell him or should you
I'm pretty sure the alcohol that i had consumed was the cause of me not getting the joke. My brains was pure muddle by then because right now i was able to get it just fine.LOLYou're in a particular mood this morning....hangover? *ROFL*
Rossy, Nope. No hangover here. That is not something with which I am generally plagued. After consuming two or more alcoholic beverages, you must re-hydrate before you go to bed. Drink a sports drink (G2 is my choice) before bed. It helps replace electrolytes and fluids. Then I generally wake up after about four hours of sleep. This is for two reasons. First I don't usually sleep more than four hours at a stretch. And second, after drinking 20 oz of fluid on top of whatever else I was drinking right before bed makes me have to pee after about four hours. When you get up, drink another G2 and take a multivitamin and one ibuprofen. When you get up all will be fine.*but my wife will tell you that I'm generally obnoxious in the morning if certain events don't come to pass like they didn't this morning.
LOL! Thanks for the hangover detox, i'll have to follow it next time.You poor baby! *air kisses*
HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBANDA couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,' explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%@$ crazy!?'
She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
And from that moment..... we have lived happily ever after.'
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
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What were you thinking? Her husband speaks English!