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The pencil moved fluidly across the piece of bare paper, the stark lines became an illustration beneath her command. Upward the pencil titled, curving as elegantly as a birds wing it descended once more. A form was materializing beneath that powerful instrument, becoming visible against the white of the sketch-paper was what appeared to be a person facing away. All that was visible in the swilling lines was a strong set of shoulders, and curling ringlets of hair that gently brushed the back of the boy’s neck. His face was half turned to the side, and the detail of quirking lips was shone, the gleam of his eyes dull and yet to be decided, but slowly coming into visibility were more defining features—the sharp angular curves of cheekbones, the strong set of the jaw. There was an almost wicked glint of malice captured in the boy’s posture, in the way he stood—like a lion on the lookout for prey. And then the pencil was moving more rapidly. Painting across the boy’s flesh of the back were tribal symbols, swirling marks that covered his upper-back and shoulders, descending to the boy’s elbows. They almost seemed to glow on the paper, but then suddenly a hand which held a ragged strip of cloth swept across the paper, dulling the formerly sharp illustration. The features became less clear, half ethereal and ever more mysterious. The boy was almost like a ghost.
5/5!I really like the way it starts, the description, the way it makes me wonder what is going to happen. Excellent!Here is the opening line to my story:
I saw it coming. Felt the blackness cover over my body and sight. I tried to fight it, I did.
I lost.
4/5 I would definately keep reading, but I hope the following paragraphs aren't as vague. Vague works as a hook, but you should still be clear as soon as possible (in most writing situations).
This isn't the start to a book, just a chapter. The story I'm writing so far has very clean chapters so I try to rehook as if starting a new story with every chapter until the climax.
Alexis spent the entire school day attempting to discreetly float her pencil above her desk.
This isn't the start to a book, just a chapter. The story I'm writing so far has very clean chapters so I try to rehook as if starting a new story with every chapter until the climax.
Alexis spent the entire school day attempting to discreetly float her pencil above her desk.
That was just the prolouge thingy. I have written more if you want to read it: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/5...
4/5! I'd say pretty much the same thing you said for mine, but it really makes me want to know whats coming. do you have any more of it?
um, can I do a poem?
That was the beginning of chapter three ... here is the link to the whole thing: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/5...
It's pretty cool hook. It makes you wonder what kind of person this is and what school is it. I also like the quote. I would definitley read on! 4/5This is the first paragraph of my book Black Optillus:
The small carriage rattled as its horses galloped in the freezing wind toward the castle now becoming visible over the rolling hills. Bits of water splashed against my face, carried by the wind from a nearby lake. Despite the cold, harsh weather, I wasn’t exactly jumping out of my skin to get inside. Unlike the others, I was not one bit excited to go to this strange castle that they called a school. This school I was force to go to was meant for the ‘endangered’ kids like me. The only way to get in was to have connections or have the dreaded combination of brown hair and brown eyes. It’s not like if you have brown hair and brown eyes a Fleeka is going to drag you out of your bed and eat you. After all, that has only happened twenty times in history.
sorry it's so long.
ok, so no hook above me....
I am actually posting a hook to a persuasive essay i'm writing for school ( xD ) and I was just wondering if it was....I dunno. Weird. If it makes sense. And there *may* be people against this, I have no idea, but whatever. And tell me please if you can tell for what side I'm arguing for and any other critisism would be good :) thanks :)
You see and hear about it all the time, etched upon the surface of our society everywhere you look: grieving faces, daunting memorials rising into the sky, flashing words across a screen as it announces a mass killing. War has punctured the safe, protective bubble of our world, leaving deep scars in its wake that distorts the better judgment of humanity. All the time, it is about war, war, war – war is the answer to our problems! No matter how big or small your army is, it has the potential to destroy the world, even if it’s just one insignificant person or a small piece of land. If every single person called a truce with everyone and talked out their problems instead of solving conflicts by violence, we could be a better world – and possibly save ourselves.
i guess i could post another....but i really want feedback on the one above, thanks :) umm this is like the whole prologue but whatever xD
There are two known kingdoms of the dead.
Heaven and Hell.
And to make a long story short, the rulers of Heaven and Hell (King Guardo and Queen Zephora) have declared war on each other.
No one knows exactly why.
But here’s how the story goes:
Eons ago, King Guardo and Queen Zephora were married. Yes, married. Hard to believe, what with how they’re acting at the moment. That was when there was no Heaven and Hell, and all dead souls were reincarnated to the world. But they grew tired with each other after a few thousand years, so they divorced and were much happier. Or content, is the word.
For many, many, many years after the divorce, the two afterworlds coexisted somehow, every-so-often a little spat between the two, but never anything very serious.
Until some seventeen years ago, when something went wrong.
No one knows what exactly went wrong. Most say that Queen Zephora is in possession of King Guardo’s halo (his magical weapon), and King Guardo is in possession of Queen Zephora’s magical weapon, which is never in one specific form, but almost always takes form of some type of weapon. That’s the most likely explanation, anyways. Other idiots think that King Guardo went off to have an affair with a human and Queen Zephora got jealous, which is preposterous, seeing as one, the two are divorced, and two, the King and Queen always had affairs with humans, even when they were married. But there is another reason, which only the ones that are so inhumanly insane that they are destined for eternal damnation speak of. But so few know of this reason because anyone who speaks the words is cursed forever.
But most say that Queen Zephora declared war because she wanted revenge. For what, who knows?
But anyways, all hell (please excuse the pun) broke loose.
Queen Zephora killed off two million people for her army, tainting them with hellfire to make them stronger. The chosen ones for her army would grow a tattoo between the shoulder blades six months before being slaughtered for her army. King Guardo took residents of Heaven and sent them down to our world to fight for Heaven. He only had half the amount of soldiers Queen Zephora had. But his soldiers can fight.
So who will win?
(link: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/4... )
I am actually posting a hook to a persuasive essay i'm writing for school ( xD ) and I was just wondering if it was....I dunno. Weird. If it makes sense. And there *may* be people against this, I have no idea, but whatever. And tell me please if you can tell for what side I'm arguing for and any other critisism would be good :) thanks :)
You see and hear about it all the time, etched upon the surface of our society everywhere you look: grieving faces, daunting memorials rising into the sky, flashing words across a screen as it announces a mass killing. War has punctured the safe, protective bubble of our world, leaving deep scars in its wake that distorts the better judgment of humanity. All the time, it is about war, war, war – war is the answer to our problems! No matter how big or small your army is, it has the potential to destroy the world, even if it’s just one insignificant person or a small piece of land. If every single person called a truce with everyone and talked out their problems instead of solving conflicts by violence, we could be a better world – and possibly save ourselves.
i guess i could post another....but i really want feedback on the one above, thanks :) umm this is like the whole prologue but whatever xD
There are two known kingdoms of the dead.
Heaven and Hell.
And to make a long story short, the rulers of Heaven and Hell (King Guardo and Queen Zephora) have declared war on each other.
No one knows exactly why.
But here’s how the story goes:
Eons ago, King Guardo and Queen Zephora were married. Yes, married. Hard to believe, what with how they’re acting at the moment. That was when there was no Heaven and Hell, and all dead souls were reincarnated to the world. But they grew tired with each other after a few thousand years, so they divorced and were much happier. Or content, is the word.
For many, many, many years after the divorce, the two afterworlds coexisted somehow, every-so-often a little spat between the two, but never anything very serious.
Until some seventeen years ago, when something went wrong.
No one knows what exactly went wrong. Most say that Queen Zephora is in possession of King Guardo’s halo (his magical weapon), and King Guardo is in possession of Queen Zephora’s magical weapon, which is never in one specific form, but almost always takes form of some type of weapon. That’s the most likely explanation, anyways. Other idiots think that King Guardo went off to have an affair with a human and Queen Zephora got jealous, which is preposterous, seeing as one, the two are divorced, and two, the King and Queen always had affairs with humans, even when they were married. But there is another reason, which only the ones that are so inhumanly insane that they are destined for eternal damnation speak of. But so few know of this reason because anyone who speaks the words is cursed forever.
But most say that Queen Zephora declared war because she wanted revenge. For what, who knows?
But anyways, all hell (please excuse the pun) broke loose.
Queen Zephora killed off two million people for her army, tainting them with hellfire to make them stronger. The chosen ones for her army would grow a tattoo between the shoulder blades six months before being slaughtered for her army. King Guardo took residents of Heaven and sent them down to our world to fight for Heaven. He only had half the amount of soldiers Queen Zephora had. But his soldiers can fight.
So who will win?
(link: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/4... )
Poema Poematis wrote: "Nice! I like how you ended the paragraph and how you didn't give away too much but how you still gave away some. I suggest seeing if you can merge some sentences together. But, good job! 4/5H..."
i might read that. i like the title.
I don't see any hook above me. =/ But here's mine:Estella Blanche knew there was no other way. But she wished there was.
Nice! I would keep reading! It sounds interesting.I saw it coming. The water. The ice. The blackness. I tried to fight it, I did.
I lost.
I know i did this already but i have been updating it.
Aviva wrote: "Nice! I would keep reading! It sounds interesting.
I saw it coming. The water. The ice. The blackness. I tried to fight it, I did.
I lost.
I know i did this already but i have been updating it. "
I like it lots. =] Hrm, maybe a 4.8/5 because I can never give anyone a 100%. Haha.
Here's mine from a new story. Really short. XD
"I have no life."
I saw it coming. The water. The ice. The blackness. I tried to fight it, I did.
I lost.
I know i did this already but i have been updating it. "
I like it lots. =] Hrm, maybe a 4.8/5 because I can never give anyone a 100%. Haha.
Here's mine from a new story. Really short. XD
"I have no life."
Love it. Seriously. 5/5 It's a good beginning.I am going to do a poem.
I jolt awake to the sound of rumbling thunder
I run to my window to see rain pouring down heavily, a lightning, a thunder
I close my eyes and litsent to the dropplets on the roof
It somehow calms me
I hear a voice coming from the sky,
Calling me to the storm.
I am out the window in a flash,
But it is not broken, I am not hurt
I am standing on a dark storm cloud
With wind swirling around me
Waiting for my command
I control the storm.
As I call tp the thunder
I feel power
I am invincible.
If only I could stay this way forever
If only I could keep this feeling
If only I could share it.
Then I am back through the window all too soon
walking back to my bed
and waiting for morning to awake.
to read more go to: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/5...
Wow. 5 out of 5. It leaves you wondering who "I" is, and how "I" controls the storm, or if it's really just a dream, or what. Great hook. :)
So, this is the first few lines from one of my current stories I'm working on. This one is called Finding My Inner Happiness: The Story of a Girl's Lives . And yes, "lives" is meant to be plural. XD
I open my eyes blearily, and see nothing but darkness, a deep black that could stretch on forever. It smells like dust and dirt, and feels like it is pressing into me, making my breathing shallow and labored. It’s weighing me down, making my limbs feel heavy.
So, this is the first few lines from one of my current stories I'm working on. This one is called Finding My Inner Happiness: The Story of a Girl's Lives . And yes, "lives" is meant to be plural. XD
I open my eyes blearily, and see nothing but darkness, a deep black that could stretch on forever. It smells like dust and dirt, and feels like it is pressing into me, making my breathing shallow and labored. It’s weighing me down, making my limbs feel heavy.
I IS ME! DUH! lollike the title. it gets me wanting to pick it up and start reading. i like how it starts out how you dont have any conception of whats going on. 5/5. is there any more?
another poem.
If only I could not feel pain
I would not suffer
not feel hurt when I am away from those I love
when I hear a sad song
when I see an innocent person die
when people are feeling hardship
and others don't care
I hate the feelings
that try to tell me
that people don't care
when I hear of bombing in countries
where people that did nothing die.
If only I could only feel the pain of scrapes and cuts
for they do not run deep
while your skin or a bone heals
words and feelings stay forever.
Yeah, there's a lot more. I don't have it posted, but I could send it to you if you want to read more.
Another beautiful poem. 5 stars again. :) That's totally how I feel, too.
Okay, this is the start of one that I've barely got any on, but I think it's a pretty good beginning.
For now I'm just calling the story Kayla Underground.
Slowly, Kayla filled in the colorless flowers on the page with ink, watching them blossom with bright shades that she had never seen in anything but the ink that colored the pages in the books that she worked on every day. She marveled at the blue that was said to be the color of the sky that she had never seen and never would, the yellow that they told her was the color of the sun, the warmth of which she would never feel on her skin, green the color of grass and trees that she could never see out the window, orange the color of fire that she would never feel caressing her skin.
Another beautiful poem. 5 stars again. :) That's totally how I feel, too.
Okay, this is the start of one that I've barely got any on, but I think it's a pretty good beginning.
For now I'm just calling the story Kayla Underground.
Slowly, Kayla filled in the colorless flowers on the page with ink, watching them blossom with bright shades that she had never seen in anything but the ink that colored the pages in the books that she worked on every day. She marveled at the blue that was said to be the color of the sky that she had never seen and never would, the yellow that they told her was the color of the sun, the warmth of which she would never feel on her skin, green the color of grass and trees that she could never see out the window, orange the color of fire that she would never feel caressing her skin.
5/5 I like how you describe the colors as something from above. the figurative language that i love! awesomei'm running out of things
Tears
the small drops
of water
that fall down
everyone's face.
Tears
they symbolize
many things
one that is
sadness.
Tears
it is good
to cry
to let out
joy or sorrow.
Tears
to show
how you feel
though sometimes
confuse.
Tears
to lose
yourself
in your feelings.
dont like this one as much
Thank you! I posted the rest that I have written on that story and my ideas for the whole thing on "Is My Story Interesting?" if you're interested...
I still like it! I really love poetry, so... yeah. 4.99 out of five. XD
I'm running out, too. XD But here's the start of my only finished novel, Two Sparrows.
I had just come home from school on Friday night. My friend Cleo’s Mom had given me a ride. I was checking the messages on the answering machine; there was one from my step-Mom- she and Dad would be home from the office late again- and one from the dentist reminding me that my sister Katrina and I had an appointment, and then there was the third.
I still like it! I really love poetry, so... yeah. 4.99 out of five. XD
I'm running out, too. XD But here's the start of my only finished novel, Two Sparrows.
I had just come home from school on Friday night. My friend Cleo’s Mom had given me a ride. I was checking the messages on the answering machine; there was one from my step-Mom- she and Dad would be home from the office late again- and one from the dentist reminding me that my sister Katrina and I had an appointment, and then there was the third.
5/5! i like how you dont say WHAT happened, just make readers infer that something did. i g2g, so i cant post anything…
Who should I respond to?gah
i'll just post mine:
(It's from Cloudy With a Chance of Sunshine):
Dear Alana,
I fear for my family. The Black Riders came to the house today, trying to take Anna away from me, so I did my best to fight them off, but they wouldn't leave until the police came and took them away. We are safe for now, but I don't trust them. They will probably send more Riders to finish the job once they realize that the first group failed.
I need to hurry and send this, so please respond.
From, Clarissa.
4 out of 5. I think it's good, but I do think that the "From" might be something different, though it does depend on who Alana is. It might be something like "love" or "your daughter" or "your friend" or something like that. Something more personal.
I'm about out of hooks now... This is one from a story I started ages ago but haven't worked on in a while.
I look outside and see Mother, spinning in circles and dancing with the wind. The fallen leaves dance around her, and the trees sway to music I cannot hear. I watch my mother, and smile. She sees me and beckons. I go to her, and she takes my hands, twirling me around with her.
I'm about out of hooks now... This is one from a story I started ages ago but haven't worked on in a while.
I look outside and see Mother, spinning in circles and dancing with the wind. The fallen leaves dance around her, and the trees sway to music I cannot hear. I watch my mother, and smile. She sees me and beckons. I go to her, and she takes my hands, twirling me around with her.
5/5! i like how it says she is deaf (she is right?) by saying the 'music I cannot hear'. i just like the whole idea.In my cloud,
a gentle
breathing cloud,
I sit
and view
the life below me.
In my cloud,
my soft
white cloud,
I sigh and
lay in the white foam
thinking of the life below.
I love my cloud,
my high
cirrus cloud,
I love the lightness
the feeling
of it all.
I dance around my cloud,
my beautiful
wispy cloud,
and I feel wonderful
like the sun coming up on the horizon
like coming home
like a warmness sweeping through my veins.
In my cloud,
I am safe
and happy
and I have no worries
no doubts
I am free
to be whatever I want.
In my cloud,
I lie down
and fall into peaceful slumber
with wonderful dreams
to awake in my bed
at home.
Hm... No, actually, I don't think that was what I meant at the time, but it sounds like a cool idea. The idea behind the story was that her mother was a witch-type person, and she was killed for it, and so the girl had to run away from the village she lived in. I didn't get far at all. XD
5 stars again! It a sweet idea. I'd love to float above the earth in a cloud...
Okay, this is my last one. I don't have any more, at all. It's from another story I'm in the middle of.
“Annie, you really have no choice. You will come with me, for your own good.” He glared at me.
I blinked, shocked into silence for a long moment. He had never spoken to me or anyone else while I was around. I’d known him for a few days, had talked to him and confided everything in him while he listened silently. I had thought he was mute.
5 stars again! It a sweet idea. I'd love to float above the earth in a cloud...
Okay, this is my last one. I don't have any more, at all. It's from another story I'm in the middle of.
“Annie, you really have no choice. You will come with me, for your own good.” He glared at me.
I blinked, shocked into silence for a long moment. He had never spoken to me or anyone else while I was around. I’d known him for a few days, had talked to him and confided everything in him while he listened silently. I had thought he was mute.
i like your idea. and me tooweird…interesting start. sounds cool. 4/5
As I watch the day go by
from my window
I wish every day
was as peaceful
as this day.
As I look
through the glass
I see my friends
sitting bored
on the curb.
But I am not allowed out
and my window
seprates us
from one another
every day.
I see a man stumble into the street
his clothes tattered
his face a mess
and I cannot help him
stuck behind the window.
The man falls
cries out in pain
and raises his fist to the sky
'Why?' he says 'What have I done?'
and I agree.
In the day
that seems so peaceful
people die
animals are hurt
and I cannot help them.
Here is my hook:People seem to die like grass in summer these days. First Alexis, then Savanna, and now Jamie. I am sure there will be more, but until then all I can do is wait, wait and wait until this plague stops.
you didnt rate the one above you. *Sigh*4/5
I like it. It sounds interesting, like maybe 'i' is going to die or something. my hook is above the hellO post
Aviva wrote: "READ IT! please"Oh!
It was really good! Very nicely written. 4/5
Sorry about that, I'm really tired today and...zzzzzzzzz....Okay, I'm going to write another Hook now!
She straightened her jacket and smoothed her hair into perfect position. Then she started.
Clare wrote: "Sorry about that, I'm really tired today and...zzzzzzzzz....
Okay, I'm going to write another Hook now!
She straightened her jacket and smoothed her hair into perfect position. Then she started.
"
5/5
I like how it seems normal at first, but then the second sentence grabs you. Now I'm like WHAT DID SHE START?! And yeah. =]
Okay, I'm going to write another Hook now!
She straightened her jacket and smoothed her hair into perfect position. Then she started.
"
5/5
I like how it seems normal at first, but then the second sentence grabs you. Now I'm like WHAT DID SHE START?! And yeah. =]
4.5/5! I like how its just a line but gets you interested. okay…I come to conciousness enough to think two thoughts. Where is my brother? And why am I so special?
Well, I don't actually know what she started because I just made that up on the spot... heehee. Next one:
"How come mommies not coming home?" Garret asked me as I re-read the note. ((pretend this next part is in itallics) must leave, not what I'm meant to do, must leave...
Then the tears started. They started and it felt as if they'd never stop.
can you not read? i put a hook there, can you rate it?
and i like that, 5/5
Aviva wrote: "can you not read? i put a hook there, can you rate it?"I did rate it! Geez! *cries fake tears*
It's above the "Do you have a hook, I'm out" comment.
Aviva wrote: "and i like that, 5/5"Thank ya, thank ya very much.
Now you should just throw random words out oto the screen and form them into a hook that I can rate!
Aviva wrote: "4.5/5! I like how its just a line but gets you interested. okay…I come to conciousness enough to think two thoughts. Where is my brother? And why am I so special?"
that one could you rate
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Thank you very much! :) I do have it posted. The prologue and the first two chapters. I'm writing it for WriYe, so I'll be posting quite a bit of it! :D