Rate the Hook Above You!

[Sella]

So, someone writes the first or first two lines of one of their stories. The next person has to write a few good things about their hook, and a few things that could be better/they should work on. Then the person would rate the hook above them out of 5 points; so, for example, 4/5. After that, they'd put up one of their own hooks for critique and rating.

RULE: You are not allowed to post one of your own hooks without reviewing and rating the one above you!


Here's an example.

Person #1 writes: This is a hook from my story Bob.
Bob was very sad because his wife had just died.
Person #2 writes: Interesting hook. It leaves me with questions; I'm wondering how Bob's wife died. But also, it's not very exciting. It's not catchy or attention-grabbing, and I don't really know if I'd pick it up off the shelf from the hook. You should make it more exciting. I give it a 2.5 out of 5.
-------Here's my hook, from my story Gaspageness: The boy gasped as his mother told him the gaspagingness story.

And so on. Get it? :)

I'll start.


This is from my story Blackout.

Death wasn't at all like he had expected.

[Acacia]

'Tis a great hook. Lets you know lots of things: He's dead. He didn't think being dead would be like being dead is. And it leaves you with many questions. Who is he? What is death like, if it's not what he expected? I give it a 4 out of 5.

Here's my hook from Guinea Pigs (which I already know isn't all that impressive):

It reminded me vaguely of shopping for food at a supermarket, at least the way I’d seen it being done so far.

[Rachel]

what? why does it remind them of shopping for food? 3.5

from my story High Breed

"The King has lied to us!"

[Sella]

Interesting. It makes me wonder why a King would lie. And starting a book with dialogue certainly plunges into the action. 4 out of 5.

Here's my hook from Hunted.

Somehow, as I stand here in front of the invisible Headquarters, I know that it is too late.

[Rachel]

too late? why is it too late?! it's never too late! *starts singing Never Too Late* and why are the Headquarters invisable? 4/5

one from my story This is War

I was holding perfectly still, waiting for Sage's signal.

[Athena]

Nice. But signal for what? 4/5

From my story I just started, Why me?

I turned around and felt a tear run down my face when I found not a wolf, but my fiance standing, naked, across from me.

[Sella]

Harbinger of ☠Doom☠ wrote: "too late? why is it too late?! it's never too late! *starts singing Never Too Late* and why are the Headquarters invisable? 4/5

one from my story This is War

I was holding perfectly still, wa..."

Who is Sage? Why was he/she holding perfectly still? Is it a war or something? It's good. Just one suggestion: "I held perfectly still" sounds better than "I was holding". 3.5/5

This is from Life in D Minor.

There is no light. A raging sea of cold darkness is everywhere. The world looks empty and miserable. A harsh, bitter, chilling feeling is in the air.

[Sella]

Lissa Dragomir wrote: "Nice. But signal for what? 4/5

From my story I just started, Why me?

I turned around and felt a tear run down my face when I found not a wolf, but my fiance standing, naked, across from me."

Is this supposed to be funny or not? If it's supposed to be funny, it isn't really working out well; if it's not supposed to be funny, it's a little weird. Why is she crying because her fiance is naked? What is the point? To be honest, I don't think I'd pick this up if I just saw the first line. But it's well-written, I'll give you that. 2/5

This is from Life in D Minor.

There is no light. A raging sea of cold darkness is everywhere. The world looks empty and miserable. A harsh, bitter, chilling feeling is in the air.

[[deleted user]]

Nice. Makes me wonder where the person is. 4/5

I pinched myself, not sure if I was dreaming, or if I was hallucinating from a hard hit on the head. There was more of a chance that I was hit on the head, maybe I ran into a tree.

[Athena]

Sella wrote: "Lissa Dragomir wrote: "Nice. But signal for what? 4/5

From my story I just started, Why me?

I turned around and felt a tear run down my face when I found not a wolf, but my fiance standing, naked..."

If you read the whole prologue It would make sense...

[Sella]

!~Himi~! *Ready Rocks!!* wrote: "Nice. Makes me wonder where the person is. 4/5

I pinched myself, not sure if I was dreaming, or if I was hallucinating from a hard hit on the head. There was more of a chance that I was hit on th..."

Interesting. It makes me wonder why they think they're dreaming, if something crazy is going on. The wording is a little awkward, though. In the second sentence, the correct way to right it is "There was more of a chance that I was hit on the head; maybe I ran into a tree." 3.5/5

From my book Outcast:

The night was bitterly cold. The temperature had dropped from the evening's warm 80 degrees straight down to a frigid 50.

[Sella]

Lissa Dragomir wrote: "Sella wrote: "Lissa Dragomir wrote: "Nice. But signal for what? 4/5

From my story I just started, Why me?

I turned around and felt a tear run down my face when I found not a wolf, but my fiance s..."

I'm just saying what my impression was from the first sentence.

[Athena]

yup. Thanks. Ya I just reread it and I agree if I didn't know what the story was about I would have asked the same thing.

[[deleted user]]

Sella wrote: "!~Himi~! *Ready Rocks!!* wrote: "Nice. Makes me wonder where the person is. 4/5

I pinched myself, not sure if I was dreaming, or if I was hallucinating from a hard hit on the head. There was more..."

Yeah, I rewrote that. Copied it from the first draft.

[Sella]

Haha okay.



From my book Outcast:

The night was bitterly cold. The temperature had dropped from the evening's warm 80 degrees straight down to a frigid 50.

[Jess]

Why was it cold. Makes you wonder what the setting is. And how could it get from 80 degrees to 50? 3.5/5

Here's from my story Freeze:

Imagine, everything in your life freezing. There is no breeze in the sky, no wind in the trees, no music in the air. There is no noise; just the sound of my footsteps and the beating of my heart. That is what happened to me one year ago on my 13th birthday.

[Jayda]

Jessika - It's a very interesting beginning. Now I'm curious as to why, especially why it happened on her 13th birthday, and what happened to make things go that way. I do feel like the sentences are a little broken (too short) but I'm not quite sure how I personally would fix that. Good job! 3.5/5


This is from my NaNoNovel for this year, DIVE:

I dove into the cold ocean as the waves crashed towards the shore.

[Jess]

Jayda- Action beggining. I like that. Why did the character dive into the cold ocean? Was he/she in danger? Make you wonder. 4/5

This is from an unnamed story I'm writing:

"No. There's no way you can make me do it."

[Maria [the clockwork creeps on useless lives], Butts butts]

What was he making her do? What will happen if she does it? Kind of simple. 3.0 of 3.5

[Jayda]

Jessika - I find that starting books with dialogue can either be a good thing, or a bad thing. Depending on the plot, of course, and where the dialogue goes. It's an interesting first sentence, though. What/who is talking, and what is it that someone/something else is trying to make them do that they object to? 4/5

From my romance novel, ALIVE:

I honestly couldn’t even tell you why I liked him.

[Sella]

Interesting! A very frank beginning. 3.5/5

This is from my unstarted nano novel, 300:

490 minutes after receiving the job from the Boss, I set out to kidnap the girl.

[Maria [the clockwork creeps on useless lives], Butts butts]

Catching! Tons of questions about what's going to happen spring to my head. 4.5

[Maria [the clockwork creeps on useless lives], Butts butts]

also, it's why exactly is it 490 minutes!Cool.

Here's one of my own:

"Your secret is safe with me," I whispered, my tears rolling onto his stony cold face.

[Niki]

It's not a full sentance... But it is kind of cool. 3/5.

Here is mine, for Angel for Hire:

The sky was cloudless, the birds were chirping, the children were laughing, and I was dead.

[Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.]

I notice that a lot of people are lowering rates of hooks just because the hooks are out-of-context and, therefore, confusing – which doesn't really make a lot of sense to me, since hooks are supposed to be a little confusing and have that sort of "HUH?!" factor in order to grab the reader's attention. So, I wouldn't base your rating off of how much "explanation" there is in the hook. I think it should be more about whether the hook grabs your attention. Just saying.

[Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.]

Holly wrote: "It's not a full sentance... But it is kind of cool. 3/5.

Here is mine, for Angel for Hire:

The sky was cloudless, the birds were chirping, the children were laughing, and I was dead."

lol! I love that, Holly. :) It's very ironic, and I am a big fan of irony. Plus it's very attention-grabbing, because it makes the reader wonder how/why the narrator is dead. I don't see anything that you necessarily have to change – maybe you could make the first part of it even cornier by adding one more thing like "the sun was shining" or something. So I'll give it like a 4.75/5 :D

Hrrrmmm ... Here's the first sentence from my story Injection:

Okay. Let’s get one thing straight right now: I, Alyx Slade, am not a liar.

[Niki]

Okay, before I rate your hook, I must say that the prologue for Injection was so amazing and incredible, I hated you for about a week after I read it because I was so jealous. Okay, your hook. It is awesome. First of all, her name is unique. Second of all, I want to know why she needs to clarify the fact that she is not a liar. Third of all (is that even a word? A phrase? I feel like I should say 'thirdly,' but that would ruin my whole ness), you can tell by the first two sentances that this narrator is going to be very fun. You know, quirky and sarcastic. I give this hook a 4.99/5. I don't see anything you could do to make it better, but I don't want to give you 5/5.

Okay, how long can this hook be? Because my good one is about a paragraph, but I feel like it's only supposed to be a sentance. Oh well, I'll post it anyway. From Wayward Witch:

I was ten years old when I realized there was evil in the world. Real evil, not that fairy-tale wicked stepmother crap. This evil could murder, burn, and destroy. It didn’t go away when you waved a magic wand. You didn’t wake up with true love’s first kiss. You didn’t wake up at all. You were dead and you stayed that way.

[Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.]

lol! thanks holly XD

Ooh, that's a great hook – it's intense and kind of scary. The wording is a little choppy/confusing in the beginning, though. These would be my suggested changes ... something along these lines:

"I was ten years old when I realized there was evil in the world: real evil, not that fairy-tale wicked stepmother crap. Real evil could murder, burn, and destroy."

Other than that, I love it. I'll give it a 4.6/5
:]

Ummm here's the first line of Soul Stealer:

I wake up suddenly, as if from a bad dream.

[Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.]

Bookworm!!! wrote: "Good. It cause me to think what the person dreamed. But, the second part "as if from a bad dream." doesn't sound right to me. Rating: 4.5/5"

I guess it's a little weird out of context ... the thing is, she doesn't dream, she just woke up as if she had dreamed.

Like I said before ... these are kind of hard to rate out of context. lol :P

[Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.]

Bookworm!!! wrote: "I sat there as everyone cheered for me, I knew the award wasn't for me. It was for Jane, she was the one who wrote so inspiring. It been a month since she been missing and the police put that she ran away. Jane will never run away, no something had happened to her. “Annette Sparrow.”

Hmm ... I find this one very confusing. There are a lot of punctuation errors and words missing in a few places. And you changed tenses at the end.

My suggestions:

"I sat there as everyone cheered for me, but I knew the award wasn't for me. It was for Jane – she was the one whose writing was so inspiring. It been a month since she went missing, and the police had said that she ran away. But Jane would never run away. No – something had happened to her. “Annette Sparrow.""

But that's just the grammatical part. I also don't know how these sentences connect with each other. First you talk about the narrator getting an award, but then you switch to something about some girl missing. I don't understand how the two thoughts are connected.

I'd say, expand more on this award ceremony and setting the scene. Spend a few paragraphs on that and then go on to talk about this Jane girl and how she disappeared.

I'd give it a 2/5 for now ...

[Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.]

Oh, sorry, I forgot. Here's my hook. It's from Shades:

"Hi.

If you’re reading this, you should be really grateful. Because you’re alive. You’ve survived thus far. Good for you.

But don’t be too happy. Because really, no one is safe. "

[[deleted user]]

Bookworm!!! wrote: ""Hi.

If you’re reading this, you should be really grateful. Because you’re alive. You’ve survived thus far. Good for you.

But don’t be too happy. Because really, no one is safe."

Interesting. If..."

Thanks, I accidentally deleated my review to yours trying to edit a spelling mistake I saw. Sorry. But I'm reposting it now...

Okay, I liked how you mentioned right away that the Jane is missing and how the person recieveing the award seems to feel a little guilty. I think you should chnage the end sentence though, a little. It seems a bit confusing to me...

4/5

[[deleted user]]

♥ Brigid ♥ wrote: "Oh, sorry, I forgot. Here's my hook. It's from Shades:

"Hi.

If you’re reading this, you should be really grateful. Because you’re alive. You’ve survived thus far. Good for you.

But don’t be to..."

I like it. Its very intense and leaves you with a sense of mystery. Why is the narrator so afraid of death? It's very interesting... kinda reminds me of Lemony Snicket... I relly liked it!!! :)
5/5

[Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.]

thanks!

[[deleted user]]

Bookworm!!! wrote: "Okay! Thanks!"

Your welcome! I felt relly bad! I was like "NOO! I deleated it!! I have to repost it quick!!" hehe, all better now though! *muttering* stupid delete button!

[[deleted user]]

♥ Brigid ♥ wrote: "thanks!"

Your welcome!

[[deleted user]]

How did you put the little hearts by your name? (Sorry, thats kinda random. I'm just curious.)

[Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.]

I copied/pasted them from someone else's user name. I don't actually know how to make them. :D lol!

[[deleted user]]

Oh! hehe... that's smart! lol

[Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.]

yupp :)

Sooo ... does anyone have a hook? lol

[Jessica ❀Sparky❀]

I am awful at hooks... I don't know why. I'll try working one for Hidden Fire...

uh...

The sun had just risen, warming the cool summer morning, and there was the promise of a perfect day in the air. But that was far from the truth. Today was going to be the beginning of the end.

Yeah. That sucks. How do you guys do it?

[[deleted user]]

Okay, here's one from another story I wrote about a girl who was abused... it's the last chapter of the proluge.

For a while I was too afraid to say anything. I knew it wasn’t that bad, but still it hurt. My parents often told me they loved me, but deep down inside I wondered if they really did. It seemed to them I was just an ungrateful brat who thought she knew everything. But I knew who I was and where I stood, and I knew someday, i would be free. It just took them too long to find out.

Okay, I know it needs alot of work! Suggestiions please?! :)

[[deleted user]]

Jessica wrote: "I am awful at hooks... I don't know why. I'll try working one for Hidden Fire...

uh...

The sun had just risen, warming the cool summer morning, and there was the promise of a perfect day in the ..."

That was actually pretty good, but as my English teacher would say don't start sentences with a conjunction! :) 4.5/5

[Jessica ❀Sparky❀]

I know. :) I do it anyways. I'm bad like that. Really? Well, that's good, I s'pose.

I think that's good! I give it 4.25/5. I think it could be shortened, though. Maybe something like

For a while I was too scared to say anything about the hurt I felt. My parents said they loved me, but I wasn't sure they did. They treated me like an ungrateful, know-it-all brat. I knew who I was and where I stood, though. Someday, I would be free.

I don't know... Yours was better. ;)

[[deleted user]]

Jessica wrote: "I know. :) I do it anyways. I'm bad like that. Really? Well, that's good, I s'pose.

I think that's good! I give it 4/5. I think it could be shortened, though. Maybe something like

For a while I ..."

Thanks you so much! I really liked ho you re-edited the first 3 sentences especially. Thanks!! :)

[[deleted user]]

I'm posting two because I can't decide. They're both from my untitled fantasy; one's the prologue, one's the first chapter. It changes tenses between the prologue and the actual story, so be aware.

One:
He walks briskly down the street, masking his face with his overcoat collar and hat. He has to do this quickly, and he has to do it right.

Two:
Evangeline sat up in her dark, old-fashioned room, startled. She'd always hated loud noises at night.

[Jessica ❀Sparky❀]

I love the first one! It is very mysterious and awesome. 4.99/5. I just don't know if I'm in love with the present tense thing.

4.75/5 It's good. It makes me wonder wht the noises are, and if there's a reason she hates night-noises so much. It might be able to be expounded upon? I like it, though.

Hmm.

Will sat in the furthest corner of the diner, sipping some hot chocolate that no longer lived up to its name. Suddenly, a man in an overcoat and a broad-brimmed hat walked in. He quietly ordered a coffee and retrieved it, them started walking towards Will. Will kept a cool exterior, but inside he was angry. The man was over an hour late! The man sat down, filling the air with the smell of hot coffee. "I have a job for you," the man said in a strange voice, placing a small pile of bills on the table. Will frowned. "Not unless you let me see who I'm dealing with." Panic crept into the man's odd voice. "I can't." Will shrugged and sat back, stirring his drink with feigned disinterest. The man lifted an arm drowned in the enormous coat and lifted the brim of the hat briefly. Will looked up at him?and was suddenly very glad he wasn't standing. Instead of the man he had been expecting, a brown-eyed young woman gazed at him with a pleading expression. She was obviously fighting to keep her composure steady. "Please," the lady said quietly, dropping the hat back over her face. "I desperately need your help."

((That was off the top of my head. It's long, and was written at 1 am. So yep. Tell me what you think!))

[Sella]

It's quite an intriguing beginning. :) Maybe it's not the most intense thing, but it's definitely interesting. I think I'd pick it up if I saw it. Only thing is, I think you should break it up into more than one paragraph. 3.5/5

Here's from my story Memories, the sequel to my novel Hunted:

The day before today, I was kidnapped.

[Nellie☠Dog Biscuit Nevermore☠]

well, its blunt and to the point; i like that. it sounds interesting, and it makes me wanna read more. me likes ^^


heres what i used for to tear down a wall... i havent even finished the 1st chapter...

There was once a peculiar little town surrounded by big brick walls that let nobody in, and nobody out.

[Jessica ❀Sparky❀]

Awesome! I love stories that begin like that. :) 5/5