Rate the Hook Above You!

[Nellie☠Dog Biscuit Nevermore☠]

lol, thanks! XD

[Kim]

((seen as you rated the hook and didnt bother posting your own i guess i'll just post without rating.))

This is from the prologue of elemental

The earth blew up on September 19th, 3000.

Okay, I admit- it didn't blow up. But it was destroyed anyway.

[Nellie☠Dog Biscuit Nevermore☠]

awesome... sort of sarcasticish, i guess you could say- thought im not much for those kind of stories, it sounds interesting XD

[Kim]

it isnt like that all the way through.
thats just the first few lines ^^

[Kim]

im gunnu post another one..

[Kim]

the beginning of the prologue for Magic in every meaning (MIEM)

Have you ever wondered what the world would be like if there was magic? Don’t. It would be exactly the same as it is now, because nothing would change. Magic is already around us without us even knowing.

[由貴千秋 Brianna-Chan, Daughter of Zeus]

Uhmmm where's the hook at that I am supposed to rate? ._. I don't see it.



Benji floated in the dark abyss. Where was he? Where was that figure in the white robe?
"Welcome to hell Benji Glass." A male's voice said.

[Kim]

RavensOfDarkness (aka Brianna-Chan) wrote: "Uhmmm where's the hook at that I am supposed to rate? ._. I don't see it.



Benji floated in the dark abyss. Where was he? Where was that figure in the white robe?
"Welcome to hell Benji G..."

((the hook is in italics))

that really draws you in. you want to know who the guy in the white robe is and also if the voice actually means hell or if its just a figure of speech.

[由貴千秋 Brianna-Chan, Daughter of Zeus]

((Ohhh sorry. xD))

I like it. 4.5 out of 5. It leaves you with the question What do you mean magic is all around us?

[Kim]

((thankyou :) ))

[由貴千秋 Brianna-Chan, Daughter of Zeus]

((You're quite welcome. :]))

[[deleted user]]

Jessica wrote: "I love the first one! It is very mysterious and awesome. 4.99/5. I just don't know if I'm in love with the present tense thing. "

Yeah. The present tense part doesn't sound totally right at the beginning, but past tense sounds worse to me, so I'm sticking with it. Haha.

This is from my story Bethany. Yeah, I know it's a crappy title, but I can't think of anything else for the time being.

Breakfasts have always been a noisy ordeal at the Manson residence; today was no exception in any way, shape, or form.

[Jessica ❀Sparky❀]

4/5. I want to know more, definitely. I also want to know if there is a certain reason it's noisy- young kids, arguments, busy lifestyles... I enjoyed it. It could probably be made a bit more exciting. ^_^
I guess I'll try to think of one.

The phrase 'ignorance is bliss' is a funny concept. It's true in one way, because you wouldn't know about all the bad things happening. At the same time, don't you want to know if something awful is waiting to catch you? (Sure, you'd be scared, but you'd be able to avoid it rather than walking into its trap in blissful ignorance.) Still,I prefered ignorance until I met Tayler. Now I have to find out as much as possible. Because for us, ignorance is death.

Would it be better without the part in parenthesis? Please tear it apart, I'm really fascinated by it now...

[Riley]

Ooh, interesting. A bit boring at the beginning, but it sets the last part up nicely. I do think you should take out the parenthesis, and a few sentences wouldn't be so bad if they were taken out, but it was great! Why is ignorance death for them? Who's Tayler? Why do they have to find out so much? 4.2/5

He turned to me, eyes glinting. "Well," he began, "do you dare play the game of Life?" I laughed feebly. "I'm assuming you don't mean the board game."

[Sella]

Whoa that's cool and mysterious! It makes me wonder, who is talking? What do they mean? What's going on? Awesome lead. :) 4.5/5

This is the first line of my story Hidden:

The world held its breath and waited for the inevitable to happen.

[Riley]

Oooh, what's the inevitable? Oh gosh Sella, now you have to go write an entire book for me! 4.8/5

[Sella]

Lol :)

[Riley]

:D Where is it? lol

Oops, forgot to leave a hook!

"Liar!" She shouted. He laughed a cruel, hard, laugh. "You just wish it was so."

[[deleted user]]

Hmmm.. What lie did he tell ? Who is he and she ? Why is he laughing like that ? 4/5


The Recon Forces advanced into the mountainous barracks, eager for some food and rest after weeks of fighting. Their fatalities were few, but many were wounded. At last the 1st Regiment Special Forces arrived at the base. They discovered a horrific sight….

[Purpleblossom *call me purple*]

Pretty good. Makes you want to know what the sight ism and who they were fighting. 4.5/5

I never embraced my identity. That turned out to be the best-and worst- thing about be. Who I was didnt matter, because that wasnt me (i know thats confusing, but its the start of a story, so..)

[[deleted user]]

Hmm... Intriguing. 4/5.

"Meg, don't do this to me today, please."

I stood at the base of the tree, its trunk seeming to stretch miles into the sky. With my arms crossed across my chest, I felt like an impatient mother.

"Meg, you come down right now or I'm never babysitting you again."

(The start of a short story I'm writing for English.)

[[deleted user]]

Anna wrote: "Hmm... Intriguing. 4/5.

"Meg, don't do this to me today, please."
(The start of a short story I'm writing for English.)"

Nice. It reminds me of a parent begging their child to behave. I give it a 4/5

You can't be lost if you have no where to go.

[[deleted user]]

Mandy wrote: "You can't be lost if you have nowhere to go."

Oh, I really like that! 4.5/5

I don't have a hook to post... sorry. Haha.

[[deleted user]]

Anna wrote: "Mandy wrote: "You can't be lost if you have nowhere to go."

Oh, I really like that! 4.5/5

I don't have a hook to post... sorry. Haha."

Thanks! :)
Ay! Goodness! Now I have nothing to rate! lol. :)

[[deleted user]]

Mandy wrote: "Anna wrote: "Mandy wrote: "You can't be lost if you have nowhere to go."

Oh, I really like that! 4.5/5

I don't have a hook to post... sorry. Haha."

Ay! Goodness! Now I havew nothing to r..."

Well can we just make a random one up? Because I can do that! Haha. =]

[[deleted user]]

Anna wrote: "Mandy wrote: "Anna wrote: "Mandy wrote: "You can't be lost if you have nowhere to go."

Oh, I really like that! 4.5/5

I don't have a hook to post... sorry. Haha."

Ay! Goodness! Now I have..."

Hehe. I hope I didn't make you feel bad. I was just kidding. And yeah, you can make one up. That's what I did... :)

[[deleted user]]

Mandy wrote: "Anna wrote: "Mandy wrote: "Anna wrote: "Mandy wrote: "You can't be lost if you have nowhere to go."

Oh, I really like that! 4.5/5

I don't have a hook to post... sorry. Haha."

Ay! Goodnes..."

I know you were joking, I was just curious. =]

[[deleted user]]

Anna wrote: "Mandy wrote: "Anna wrote: "Mandy wrote: "Anna wrote: "Mandy wrote: "You can't be lost if you have nowhere to go."

Oh, I really like that! 4.5/5

I don't have a hook to post... sorry. Haha."
..."

Oh okay! Phew *wipes forehead dramtically* I was like "I hope she didn't think I was serious and mad at her for not posting a hook." lol :)

[Jessica ❀Sparky❀]

Okay, I'm trying my other one again... Plus writing a new one. :)

The phrase 'ignorance is bliss' is a funny concept. It's true in one way, but not in others. Still, I prefered ignorance until I met Tayler. Now I have to find out as much as possible. Because for us, ignorance is death.

Better? Too short?

Okiday, other one. :)

I press the rag harder to my bleeding head, anxious for the doctor to see me. "Alia Tippets?" A nurse calls. It takes me a minute to respond. I've changed my identity so many times I no longer remember who I am.

[Krys]

Jessica wrote: "Okay, I'm trying my other one again... Plus writing a new one. :)

The phrase 'ignorance is bliss' is a funny concept. It's true in one way, but not in others. Still, I prefered ignorance until I m..."

Oooh... INteresting. It makes you wonder why she's bleeding, and also why her indentity has changed so many times in the past. It also makes you wonder who she is. 5-5

[Krys]

Here's one of mine... Really exciting I know, but I'ma edit it pretty soon.

There were four silhouettes standing in the darkness. One stood alone while the other three clustered together utterly unaware of his presence, noises reverberate from them, an inhumanly mix of grunts and clicks.

[[deleted user]]

Jessica wrote: "Okay, I'm trying my other one again... Plus writing a new one. :)

The phrase 'ignorance is bliss' is a funny concept. It's true in one way, but not in others. Still, I prefered ignorance until I m..."

Ohmy! This really creepy thing just happened. As I was reading your hook I was listening to a song, and one of the lines was Ignorance is bliss. Haha.

Kriss wrote: "Here's one of mine... Really exciting I know, but I'ma edit it pretty soon.

There were four silhouettes standing in the darkness. One stood alone while the other three clustered together utterl..."

Nice, very mysterious. I like how it was easy to understand yet discriptive at the same time! :) 5/5


Kay, heres' another of mine.

Blood trickled to the floor from the gash in my neck, staining my green shirt an odd shade of red. I heard the running of footsteps and shouting over the sirens approaching in the distance.

Then everything was black.

[Jessica ❀Sparky❀]

I am interested, but I'd love to see it a little longer. : 3/5

Hmm... Not sure about this one.

I enjoy exploring, I'll be the first to admit that. I've been around the world three times, and seen more than you would in ten lifetimes. There never was a dangerous situation I couldn't get out of. That is, until I met Elizabeth.

[Jessica ❀Sparky❀]

Not you. I replied as you posted and was talking about Mandy's. Yours is good. Like I edited, I'd love to see it longer.

[[deleted user]]

Thanks you guys! :)

[[deleted user]]

How's this you guys? Its my edited version. :)

Blood trickled to the floor from the gash in my neck, staining my green shirt an odd shade of red. I heard the running of footsteps and shouting over the sirens approaching in the distance and the roaring in my ears. The pain slowly bagan to fade as a dull numbness took over. I couldn't even feel the rough gravel scratching at my head, leaving more cuts of its own. I felt my consciousness (sp?) slowly fading as the blood became a pool around me. Suddenly I felt fingers on my wrist searching for a pulse and bandages around my neck in a fruitless attempt to stop the flow of blood.

Then everything was black

[Jessica ❀Sparky❀]

5/5 It's still a bit scary, but I would read a book with this beginning. I want to know more, and it leaved me with a lot of questions.

Hello. I have decided to write down everything that happens to me here, until I am rescued- which will certainly be soon. I am Sadie Ward, space explorer extraordinaire. I crashed two days ago on this planet. It seems to be able to support human life, but I have not seen any yet. I wish they would show themselves, even if they were unfriendly. Then I wouldn't be alone here.

[[deleted user]]

I liked it. It certainly will grab a readers attention. But for some reason I think if you re-worded it a bit it would flow more smoothly. I think it might help if you wrote something like
Hello, my name is Sadie Ward, space explorer extrordanaire, and two days ago my ship crashed on this planet. I plan on recording everything that happens here as I wait for rescue, which I assure you will not be long. It seems able to support life, at least for now, though I have yet to see any other life forms here. If there are, I wish they would show themselves, even if they were unfreindly.

Then I wouldn't be alone.

An I also thought you could seperate that last sentence so it shows the narrators fear more clearly. Overall I give it a 4.5/5 Great job! :)

[Jessica ❀Sparky❀]

Okiday. I like that a lot'! Thanks!

[Ilana]

There is nothing for me to rate... Well here is mine:

The Prologue - He always knew there was a secret: something important about his parents that he didn’t know.

The first chapter - I was jerked into awareness when I felt something cold touch my back, making it sting.

[[deleted user]]

Ilana wrote: "There is nothing for me to rate... Well here is mine:

The Prologue - He always knew there was a secret: something important about his parents that he didn’t know.

The first chapter - I was je..."

I liked it but I'm a bit confused because you switched from third person point of veiw to first person. Other than that I like it. It was just that one thing that confused me a bit. I like your descriptivness "jerked into awareness..."
4.5/5
Here's the very first line to the prologue of a new story I'm writing.
I cried mixing tears with the blood on my face, leaving a burning sensation in the cut flesh on my cheek.

[Hannah]

I give it a 3.5 out of 5.

When I read that, I instantly wondered why she why was bleeding. And then the crying part hit me, which made it even more interesting, because it put a bunch of different scenarios in my mind, and I wanted to know how it happened.

By the way, I think you need a comma after "I cried".

Mine: “Uh yes, I’ll take you to your room now, Vi--,” Etienne started before he was cut off by the girl.

“Rayne. Her name is Rayne, remember?” Etienne hastily nodded to the girl and then quickly took my arm and led me out the door.

It's not the first sentence, but oh well.

[Sella]

Hm, interesting. It's definitely intriguing; I'd like to know more. However, starting a book with dialogue is risky, and you can only pull it off if it's exciting or catchy dialogue, and the one that your book starts with isn't really either ... I give it a 2 out of 5.

Here's the beginning of a story that I started a while ago but never got past the prologue. It's called The Last Lute. It's a bit long, sorry.

A full moon shone above the woods, casting a silvery glow upon the leaves, making the trees look ghostly. The night was foggy and cold, and the darkness that had claimed the air was sinister and unwelcoming. The sight of the moon between the gaps of the branches, partly covered by two black clouds, looked ominous and foreboding.

A wolf howled morosely, somewhere in the distance. Suddenly, the sound of quick, loud, uneven footsteps reverberated through the forest, and a moment later, a young woman came into sight.

She was running desperately. Her feet were hitting the ground with hard pounds, flattening the dirt and dry leaves in her path. She was panting, her breathing ragged and labored. An expression of utmost panic was painted across her beautiful face, and sweat was breaking out across her skin.

[Jayda]

Tay - I like the descriptiveness. It's very interesting. I especially like how you describe the snow turning to slush :) Very nicely put. The second half didn't make much sense to me, particularly when you make "Clouding my vision" into its own sentence. It really should be a part of the last sentence. I don't understand the line "Making me suck." After this point, all of the sentences are broken off and half-finished, in a sense. Just some revision and taking some of these sentences and compiling them with others should turn it out just fine!

Great description :) Good start.

4/5


Okay, here's mine:

Whoever said that love was easy, lied. Clearly they had never been a teenager, and clearly they’d never had a boy that they loved be a jerk to them. Not that I’d been in love before… No, that wasn’t the case. It was just that the feelings I thought might have been love were always crushed. Crushed in the hands of those whom I “loved”.

I may end up changing this around. I'm not sure how good of a hook this is, considering it's just my prologue.

[Ilana]

Well, that makes me wonder, do people actually say love is easy? Hah.
I like it. The only part that seems a little awkward is the part where she said "...clearly they’d never had a boy that they loved be a jerk to them." I don't know why it seems off, sorry.
I give it 4.5 0f 5.

Here's mine:
Selena took another step toward the edge of the overhang.

Sorry it's so short, I didn't feel like posting the rest of the beginning.

[Sella]

Tay wrote: "OMG!! I love it!! It was really discriptive and... IDK. Attention grabbing? Eye catching? IDK. Well, 5 outta 5. (p.s. Where can I find the redst of it??)"

Hahah thanks! :) Um, it's not on goodreads ... and I'll I've written is the prologue. But I can show you the prologue if you like! Do you want me to post it here and then delete it when you read it?

... Wait, I'll post it in the 'favorite excerpts from your stories' topic. :D

[Jessica ❀Sparky❀]

I like it, it's good. I would like to see the rest, but I am interested just based on this. :) 5/5

Matt gazed across the windswept plains, watching the sun sink down the horizon, the last rays shooting out. At the beginning of the day he had never expected what had occurred.

Doesn't really make much sense.... I'm sorry.

[Riley]

3.5/5

Like you said it was slightly confusing. It was very intriguing. Although, the first sentence was rather rambly, great description however!

[[deleted user]]

Ahm there is no one before me so ...


Protect your own.

Kaem, the only child of Furrur Pelch, listened to his father’s words.

[Riley]

oops, sorry.

Intrigue! What does it mean by protec tyour own? In what situation? You definitely have me wanting more. I love the names. 4/5