Young Writers discussion
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Rate the Hook Above You!
Ooh I like it! I can really connect to it; I know how that feels. And it makes me really curious. It makes me wonder why the MC can't play piano anymore - what happened? Great hook. 3/5.Here's my hook for my nano novel (I changed it):
Stalking someone for a whole day can get extremely boring.
Excellent - short and immediate not to mention surprising and a little funny. 4/5
This is one I used for a drabble that I was doing for the future of my characters that is now lost.
"Don't you remember the simple days of dodging bullets, fighting magicians, and saving a currupt world that hated us?" Ang asked his wife warily. "You know, the days before we had kids?"
This is one I used for a drabble that I was doing for the future of my characters that is now lost.
"Don't you remember the simple days of dodging bullets, fighting magicians, and saving a currupt world that hated us?" Ang asked his wife warily. "You know, the days before we had kids?"
This is the quote I'm starting a short story with:
He was the most perfect thing I had ever seen, and I was totally in love... until I heard him sing.
He was the most perfect thing I had ever seen, and I was totally in love... until I heard him sing.
Cool. I can't think of anything more to say other than at the end I couldn't help but laugh. 4/5
This is the first couple sentences to my novel The Hines Quest.
"What?" Becky screamed. She couldn't believe this. Her aunt's friend, Mr. Jefferson, was telling her that her aunt, Kendra, was somehow dead.
This is the first couple sentences to my novel The Hines Quest.
"What?" Becky screamed. She couldn't believe this. Her aunt's friend, Mr. Jefferson, was telling her that her aunt, Kendra, was somehow dead.
Hmm ... maybe it is just me, but it seems like it could be a gossip session until the last word which is an unpleansant jar. *shrug* 2.5/5
I wrote this down last night to remind me in the morning - I'm already planning on tearing it down, but ...
My advice is to work on getting a social life outside you family before you are eighteen. If you just have family to learn from then you find it hard to deal with other people and for other people to deal with you. Actually, my family is so large that I don’t have much trouble with the first, but I learned quickly that a lot of people had trouble with the second.
I wrote this down last night to remind me in the morning - I'm already planning on tearing it down, but ...
My advice is to work on getting a social life outside you family before you are eighteen. If you just have family to learn from then you find it hard to deal with other people and for other people to deal with you. Actually, my family is so large that I don’t have much trouble with the first, but I learned quickly that a lot of people had trouble with the second.
Good. From the first couple of words, I was reading fast because I was wondering what the advice was. And it made me curious about this person's social life. 4-ish/5 =]
I like both of the hooks for Mandy's book. With either hook I would definetly pick up the book. I give it a 4.5/5
Here's my hook:
Damien wakes up.
Another day at work, he thinks.
He finds the jeans he wore last week. Anything to look like a normal teenage boy. He searches for a shirt in his small closet; he knows he won’t be staying here long. Vampires don’t stay in the same location for more than four or five years. He finds the same tennis shoes he wears everyday.
I knows it's long....I don;t know if you can really call it a hook. Its the very first paragraph to my book.
Here's my hook:
Damien wakes up.
Another day at work, he thinks.
He finds the jeans he wore last week. Anything to look like a normal teenage boy. He searches for a shirt in his small closet; he knows he won’t be staying here long. Vampires don’t stay in the same location for more than four or five years. He finds the same tennis shoes he wears everyday.
I knows it's long....I don;t know if you can really call it a hook. Its the very first paragraph to my book.
I give it a 4/5. The first thing that caught my attention was the "Anything to look like a normal boy". Which, of course, makes me wonder, if he's not a normal boy, what the heck is he? And... Voila! He's a vampire!Mine:
My hair blew in the slight breeze, and I couldn’t help but sigh at the memories it brought. They were vague, fading memories, but sweet memories nonetheless.
This is a hook from the first novel I tried to write... I never made it past five thousand words. I'm trying to rewrite it.
Mod
Mine:
His eyes were piercing. Not as they once had been. These eyes were hard and monotone. They were frozen in such a way they seemed capable of fracture. It was as though, they were once waters. Emerald green waters that where soft and kind and full of life. But now that was all gone, left in it’s wake where frozen emeralds pools in a cold, brewing tempest as some sort of ice storm raged. They shone with such a wickedness Dae felt the need to look away, and yet she didn’t because the ices where shattering beneath their own coldness, opening to something else. Something that was still inexplicably different, inexplicably foreign. The eyes of a stranger.
wow, i think thats quite amazing actuallyur description is just MIND BLOWING, Kriss! i love how u described the eyes as water that had now frozen over into ice...and i LOVE the last line. it makes u think about why shes looking into the eyes of a stranger or if this is someone who she knows but has changed and if so why and how? agh, its great, i could never write something that amazing :D 5/5!!
heres mine, from a short story i wrote:
Darkness weighed down the air, drowning it. Silence rang through the air, eerily loud. Nothing moved in the darkness, no sound, no light, nobody. No soul, no living thing, could possibly be here. Surely this must be the land of the dead.
wow huneeya. that is awsomesawsomsauce! i am like 'WHERE THE HELL IS THE PERSON IN THE BOOK!! HWAT IS GOING ON!!' it draws the reader in and the last line catches my eye with the land of the dead comment..4.5/5
From my NaNo ^^:
Everything can change in a moment.
Wishes that weren’t meant to come true.
Large things can happen from something small and insignificant…
One minute everything was normal. The next thing I’m in a hospital, hooked up to machines with doctors prodding me and speaking in quiet tones. I only caught fragments of what they were saying.
((sorry that was long. i wanted to post more but...yeah))
message 114:
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Maria [the clockwork creeps on useless lives], Butts butts
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Mod
Heaven can get extremely boring for a five year old girl.
Omg. Heaven? Five year old? There has to be a sad story behind this. I give it a 3.5/5!Mine...
The raindrops collided with the window, one after another, like a metronome, going on forever at a steady beat. The autumn leaves swayed in the breeze, and cascaded gently to the floor, a plethora of colors. The trees swished back and forth, dancing with the wind, and those leaves which had not already fallen were clinging greedily to their branches, not quite ready to let go.
Hannah wrote "The raindrops collided with the window, one after another, like a metronome, going on forever at a steady beat. The autumn leaves swayed in the breeze, and cascaded gently to the floor, a plethora of colors. The trees swished back and forth, dancing with the wind, and those leaves which had not already fallen were clinging greedily to their branches, not quite ready to let go." I thought it was very good and descriptive. I definately want to read more.
Mine:
I could hear my heartbeat in my ear. It sounded like someone was beating on a drum. Everything was blurry and I felt weak. I had a sharp pain in my stomach, and the machine next to my bed continued to beep and flash. I tried to kick off my big, green blanket, but it was tucked in too tight. The doctor came into my room, followed by my mom, and when they opened the door, the smell of bacon and burnt toast filled my room. I tried to sit up but my stomach pain refused to let me.
i like how u describe the heartbeat as a drum! this makes me wonder why she's in the hospital and the stomach pain part suggests she's pregnant? which brings up another question; how old is this person? 3.5/5!! good job :)heres mine from another short story:
They hid it from me. They said I was a freak. They never told me the reason behind it. Why it was me, out of the six billion people that lived on Earth, why I had eyes like this. All they could ever think about was money, money, money. It disgusted me.
I like it. It introduces a character (and his compacity for anger) while simultaneously showing why we should care.
This is from my newest story which is actually going to be my first story ... that's hard to explain.
“Pick y’all’s feet up!” Alexis screeched, tossing the words behind her at Dante.
This is from my newest story which is actually going to be my first story ... that's hard to explain.
“Pick y’all’s feet up!” Alexis screeched, tossing the words behind her at Dante.
Mod
This is from my newest story which is actually going to be my first story ......"
Interesting. It makes you want to know why they need to pick their feet up and why Alexis is yelling. 4/5
Here's mine, sorry it's kinda long:
The pencil moved fluidly across the piece of bare paper, the stark lines became an illustration beneath her command. Upward the pencil titled, curving as elegantly as a birds wing it descended once more. A form was materializing beneath that powerful instrument, becoming visible against the white of the sketch-paper was what appeared to be a person facing away. All that was visible in the swilling lines was a strong set of shoulders, and curling ringlets of hair that gently brushed the back of the boy’s neck. His face was half turned to the side, and the detail of quirking lips was shone, the gleam of his eyes dull and yet to be decided, but slowly coming into visibility were more defining features—the sharp angular curves of cheekbones, the strong set of the jaw. There was an almost wicked glint of malice captured in the boy’s posture, in the way he stood—like a lion on the lookout for prey. And then the pencil was moving more rapidly. Painting across the boy’s flesh of the back were tribal symbols, swirling marks that covered his upper-back and shoulders, descending to the boy’s elbows. They almost seemed to glow on the paper, but then suddenly a hand which held a ragged strip of cloth swept across the paper, dulling the formerly sharp illustration. The features became less clear, half ethereal and ever more mysterious. The boy was almost like a ghost.
Kriss wrote "The pencil moved fluidly across the piece of bare paper, the stark lines became an illustration beneath her command. Upward the pencil titled, curving as..." Very good. I loved it! I definately want to read more! Keep writing!
Hm.... I don't know if this is any good. Let me know?Fearless
I’d loved my life before my dad tore me away from it. I’d had amazing friends, a comfortable lifestyle, and even a fantastic boyfriend. But my dad decided that it was time to get away from suburbia and move to a freaking farmhouse so that he could have more and new inspiration for his writing. What was wrong with him? Had he finally lost it?
Mod
Fearless
I’d loved my life before my dad tore me away from it. I’d had amazing friends, a comfortable lifestyle, and even a fantastic boy..."
XD Awesome, 5/5
Mod
Very good. I loved it!..."
Thanks :D If you want to read more I can post a link to the story.
Kriss wrote: "Domerin wrote: "I like it. It introduces a character (and his compacity for anger) while simultaneously showing why we should care.This is from my newest story which is actually going to be my..."
Oooh, very nice! 5/5
Kriss wrote: "Jayda wrote: "Hm.... I don't know if this is any good. Let me know?Fearless
I’d loved my life before my dad tore me away from it. I’d had amazing friends, a comfortable lifestyle, and even a..."
Aw, thanks! :D
Mod
This is from my newest story which is actually ..."
Thanks :D It's the first lengthy paragraph of my NaNo.
Mod
Fearless
I’d loved my life before my dad tore me away from it. I’d had amazing friends, a comfortable lifesty..."
:D
There is no hook above me sooo....I sighed as I sat on the swing of the schoolyard. What was I doing here? I should be in Lysota right now, saving the human race! I thought to myself. "Ugh!" I grunted in frustration as I stood up and began pacing. Only two more minutes,only two more minutes.
Great! It leaves me wondering why you must save the human race. But, really,there needs more details. 3.99/5
Here's mine
Love had swept me off my feet, kissed me and then sang to me. No, I mean literally, she did! Love was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had luscious, golden brown hair and wore the most breathtaking clothes.
Here's mine
Love had swept me off my feet, kissed me and then sang to me. No, I mean literally, she did! Love was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had luscious, golden brown hair and wore the most breathtaking clothes.
5/5That hook was good! In fact, I must ask you to post the story to which that belongs. It caught me by surprise, I had no idea Love would be a person! And good description, also.
Ethan wrote: "wow.....i just made that up":O
you want me to write about it?
ok i will this is not from the story, but hear this
I stood face to face with the most evil person on Planet Earth, the school bully, Clarke. "Hey Clarke. Lets settle it here and now," I said, and pulled out my sword, and threw him his.
We had been fighting ever since second grade when I stole his animal crackers. I mean, I was hungry. You can't blame me for stealing them.
Anyway, he was lying on his little sleeping mat, making me think he was fast asleep. I took them, and he jumped up, and yelled, pointing at me, "I knew you would steal them! TEACHER! He stole my crackers!" Long story short, I sat in the corner, while little Clarke got extra snack.
From then on, we were mortal enemies, and that is the way life is supposed to be. As long as we were fighting, the world would be in balance, and stable. Actually, I made up this little tall tale that if we ever made up everyone on Earth would die.
Believing that made me extra pumped and ready to kick the little guys butt. But we never got around to fighting. Some days, we would get so close, then a teacher would come and break us up. The little liar, Clarke, always seemed to get me to be in the corner, while he gets better food. It is pretty sad, from my point of view, but a party from where Clarke is.
But now, we are 15 years old, and not little kids anymore. We still hate each other and even more now then before. As I was saying: "Yea lets go!" he agreed, and charged me. Stepping out of the way, I swung my sword at him carlessly.
I stood face to face with the most evil person on Planet Earth, the school bully, Clarke. "Hey Clarke. Lets settle it here and now," I said, and pulled out my sword, and threw him his.
We had been fighting ever since second grade when I stole his animal crackers. I mean, I was hungry. You can't blame me for stealing them.
Anyway, he was lying on his little sleeping mat, making me think he was fast asleep. I took them, and he jumped up, and yelled, pointing at me, "I knew you would steal them! TEACHER! He stole my crackers!" Long story short, I sat in the corner, while little Clarke got extra snack.
From then on, we were mortal enemies, and that is the way life is supposed to be. As long as we were fighting, the world would be in balance, and stable. Actually, I made up this little tall tale that if we ever made up everyone on Earth would die.
Believing that made me extra pumped and ready to kick the little guys butt. But we never got around to fighting. Some days, we would get so close, then a teacher would come and break us up. The little liar, Clarke, always seemed to get me to be in the corner, while he gets better food. It is pretty sad, from my point of view, but a party from where Clarke is.
But now, we are 15 years old, and not little kids anymore. We still hate each other and even more now then before. As I was saying: "Yea lets go!" he agreed, and charged me. Stepping out of the way, I swung my sword at him carlessly.
Okay, I loved that hook. Actually the first sentence was technically the "hook" as it is the first thing that draws the reader in or turns them away, but referring to the most evil person on earth as being a school bully should keep most readers around for a few more pages. And the rest just keeps it going great.
5/5
Do you have a story attatched to that?
Ahm, I'll make up one ... on second thought this might be used for a later book.
The explosion had hardly ended, and by rights of human limitations he should not have been on his feet yet, but Septimus was already screaming the name of everyone he could think of.
"Charlie! Dale! Hugo! Grandpa Fredrick! Ang!"
Charlie, Charlotte their Marine-tough tech-geek. Dale, their psychologist, butt of hundreds of jokes. Hugo, their experimenter mishap. Fredrick whom everyone looks to as a father. And Ang ... no, Ang wasn't there. He couldn't be, like the rest of them ...
5/5
Do you have a story attatched to that?
Ahm, I'll make up one ... on second thought this might be used for a later book.
The explosion had hardly ended, and by rights of human limitations he should not have been on his feet yet, but Septimus was already screaming the name of everyone he could think of.
"Charlie! Dale! Hugo! Grandpa Fredrick! Ang!"
Charlie, Charlotte their Marine-tough tech-geek. Dale, their psychologist, butt of hundreds of jokes. Hugo, their experimenter mishap. Fredrick whom everyone looks to as a father. And Ang ... no, Ang wasn't there. He couldn't be, like the rest of them ...
Domerin wrote: "Okay, I loved that hook. Actually the first sentence was technically the "hook" as it is the first thing that draws the reader in or turns them away, but referring to the most evil person on earth..."
((i do have a story attached to it. but its a short story still in the process))
4/5 I really liked it but the ending paragraph made me want to stop reading, because it went on and on. But other then that, keep on writing!
Here is mine: Life is normal when you don't have a care in the world except for that big history test coming up. Don't you agree? I know you do. Well, this is a story of love and much more. And it is not normal.
((i do have a story attached to it. but its a short story still in the process))
4/5 I really liked it but the ending paragraph made me want to stop reading, because it went on and on. But other then that, keep on writing!
Here is mine: Life is normal when you don't have a care in the world except for that big history test coming up. Don't you agree? I know you do. Well, this is a story of love and much more. And it is not normal.
If you thought that went on and on then you are going to have a lot of problems with some of the stories in this group.
2/5 Sorry, but it was too blunt and rather clich'ed. The last sentence was a cool clip, but the "this is normal life, this story isn't anything like that" seems a little over used.
2/5 Sorry, but it was too blunt and rather clich'ed. The last sentence was a cool clip, but the "this is normal life, this story isn't anything like that" seems a little over used.
((ok sorry just wanna give you constructive critsism))
there is no hook in front of me so.... ill just make one up really quick.
I should have never went into that haunted house. When I went in there, my life definitely twisted into a mad fairytale.
there is no hook in front of me so.... ill just make one up really quick.
I should have never went into that haunted house. When I went in there, my life definitely twisted into a mad fairytale.
((I understand, I was just continuing the dialogue. Mine rarely go on and on like that, it was just an extreme circumstance. As it takes off right from the previous stories the reader would probably understand.))
I'll let someone else rate that hook.
I'll let someone else rate that hook.
((ok sorry just wanna give you constructive critsism))
there is no hook in front of me so.... ill just make one up really quick.
I should have never went into that haunted house. When I went in there, my life definitely twisted into a mad fairytale.
there is no hook in front of me so.... ill just make one up really quick.
I should have never went into that haunted house. When I went in there, my life definitely twisted into a mad fairytale.
it was okay make it scarier or more exciting i like the idea of the story instead of a fairytale say horror story or something realated to halloweenies
3 and a 1/2 stars
the snow was red my trusty sword in my hand was my weapon in mass murduring the bad they all die it was my best friend that sword.I killed the king but saved 210,000 people thats why there going to hunt me down kill me or at least try. me and the Rouge warriors always win no matter what that is why i have killed more people than anyone and im only sixteen years young.
3 and a 1/2 stars
the snow was red my trusty sword in my hand was my weapon in mass murduring the bad they all die it was my best friend that sword.I killed the king but saved 210,000 people thats why there going to hunt me down kill me or at least try. me and the Rouge warriors always win no matter what that is why i have killed more people than anyone and im only sixteen years young.
That's great! Um, a couple of things though. I think it would've been better reworded, and the comma kind of annoys me...I don't know why. Maybe switch 'angelic' with 'beautiful', and make 'dangerous' a little more extreme word. It makes me wonder how roses are dangerous, and if maybe it's a simile or metaphor comparing roses to someone/something else, I'm definitely interested! 4.3/5
I tore at the pages in my diary, shredding the inky paper to thin peices that got caught beneath my fingernails. The hollowness that had once resided in the pit of my stomach was overcome by a fiery rage that burned my insides and turned my vision a bloody red. Tears streamed down my face, unstoppable and swift, threatening to drown me in my own grief. I bit my tongue to stop the scream that had been building within my chest. Blood filled my mouth, bitter and metallicy.
How could something so perfect had gone so wrong?
How could something so perfect had gone so wrong?
descriptive but weird and a little hard to get into overall i give it 3 9/10 out of five
MINE NOT GOOD NON EDITED
I say to the retched king" any thing you would like to do before I kill you stick your headon a pig pole strip you of your clothes and hang you for all to see on the castle gate."
"yes I was the one who told them to kill your brothers" he said while I was infuriated by that statement.
"your an idiot you know because kill you quickly is no longer an option now I am going to take my time write the names of my brothers all over your body and The Rouge Warriors now"
" no no no please don't please " he said with a tone no man could compare there was so much fear I was driven mad by the tone.
I tied him to a chair and wrote the names of my brothers all over him careful not to do much damge so he would last longer he was screaming the entire time the knife through his skin tearing the flesh a fter fiften minuets of the screaming some must have heard the screams because two guards walked towards us Lake took one by the neck and twists until the guard no longer moved then un shethes his sword and stabs the other guard with a single stab to the heart and when he removes his sword blood erupts from the wound he cleans the sword and smiles at me and i to him. once i was done he was still alive i decided to have him live with thoose scares untill he dies so we drop the body off in the castles kitchen when the cook walks in she screams and calls for the guards they respond almost instantly the next week he shows his face and the scares are on there and his forehead reads THE ROGE WARRIORS.
MINE NOT GOOD NON EDITED
I say to the retched king" any thing you would like to do before I kill you stick your headon a pig pole strip you of your clothes and hang you for all to see on the castle gate."
"yes I was the one who told them to kill your brothers" he said while I was infuriated by that statement.
"your an idiot you know because kill you quickly is no longer an option now I am going to take my time write the names of my brothers all over your body and The Rouge Warriors now"
" no no no please don't please " he said with a tone no man could compare there was so much fear I was driven mad by the tone.
I tied him to a chair and wrote the names of my brothers all over him careful not to do much damge so he would last longer he was screaming the entire time the knife through his skin tearing the flesh a fter fiften minuets of the screaming some must have heard the screams because two guards walked towards us Lake took one by the neck and twists until the guard no longer moved then un shethes his sword and stabs the other guard with a single stab to the heart and when he removes his sword blood erupts from the wound he cleans the sword and smiles at me and i to him. once i was done he was still alive i decided to have him live with thoose scares untill he dies so we drop the body off in the castles kitchen when the cook walks in she screams and calls for the guards they respond almost instantly the next week he shows his face and the scares are on there and his forehead reads THE ROGE WARRIORS.
Raven (who's fav grek god is PERSEUS) wrote: "descriptive but weird and a little hard to get into overall i give it 3 9/10 out of five
MINE NOT GOOD NON EDITED
I say to the retched king" any thing you would like to do before I kill you sti..."
It's good, but it would really help your writing if you would use proper punctuation and capitals. It's difficult to read when it all blends into one sentence like that. 3.5/5
This one is from a story I'm seriously considering as of now.
I have a theory that one point, every teen has said something along the lines of this: "Poor, poor me; that beautiful person I'm so in love with doesn't know I exist." Cry me a river.
MINE NOT GOOD NON EDITED
I say to the retched king" any thing you would like to do before I kill you sti..."
It's good, but it would really help your writing if you would use proper punctuation and capitals. It's difficult to read when it all blends into one sentence like that. 3.5/5
This one is from a story I'm seriously considering as of now.
I have a theory that one point, every teen has said something along the lines of this: "Poor, poor me; that beautiful person I'm so in love with doesn't know I exist." Cry me a river.
I really like that, Anna. My only suggestion is 'I have a theory. A theory that, at one point....'I give it a 4.8/5.
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Of all the things I could have missed, I missed playing piano the most.