The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?

[Anna]

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/...

Having conversations with new people is an important and rewarding part of social life. Yet conversations can also be intimidating and anxiety provoking, and this makes people wonder and worry about what their conversation partners really think of them. Are people accurate in their estimates? We found that following interactions, people systematically underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them and enjoyed their company, an illusion we call the liking gap. We observed the liking gap as strangers got acquainted in the laboratory, as first-year college students got to know their dorm mates, and as formerly unacquainted members of the general public got to know each other during a personal development workshop. The liking gap persisted in conversations of varying lengths and even lasted for several months, as college dorm mates developed new relationships. Our studies suggest that after people have conversations, they are liked more than they know.

(Blockquote doesn't work in the (iOS) app, but it's just the abstract copied from the link.)

I found this very interesting! I know that I always assume that everyone dislikes me both before and after talking to me (irl or online), but I've never thought that other people might feel the same. (I'm navel-gazy like that. Also no I'm not asking people to tell me they don't hate me, so please let's not go there.)

I just wanted to share this, and while we're here, a couple of SFFBC places where you can talk to make us like you more! :)

Discussions
-> that's where we are now, but you know, it's the whole group, so had to include it XD

Virtual Book Club (Members' Chat folder)
-> monthly Zoom meetings to talk about recently (re)read group books and other bookish things

Discord Clubhouse (Members' Chat folder)
-> I don't know what they all do there, but it must be very chatty because they all like each other very much! ^_^

Let's end on a super sappy note! You're all cuddly snufflemuffins! <3

[Daniel]

I’ve known a lot of people who really suffer with the misperception that people don’t like them. While I always think people don’t like me, it’s not this “liking gap” because of course I’m right - they don’t. :)

[Rachel]

Yes I really struggle with making friends due to this.

[Allison, Fairy Mod-mother]

yeah, I struggle with this too! it's part of why I try to affirm my joy in your company! because i do like you all quite a bit :)

[Michelle]

As an extreme introvert, I've always assumed this. Even on this site I don't "converse" as much as a lot of others. The ironic thing is that I am surrounded by chatty-cathy extroverts in my family, and they don't seem to have this problem! They work off the exact opposite assumption that everyone likes them.

[Beth]

Extroversion and introversion aren't a 0/1 thing and there are people who manage to both function well socially and get re-energized by alone time (I have a sib who is like this, and yes I envy them for it!).

In any case, Anna's post is interesting. I haven't met any non-online people for a while, but if I think about it, I do tend to assume people are neutral to me at best until they get to know me a little better. I don't approach others that way, so it's kind of unfair to myself to think that way. It'd take a great deal of self work to overcome that habit

[Phillip]

Beth wrote: "Extroversion and introversion aren't a 0/1 thing and there are people who manage to both function well socially and get re-energized by alone time (I have a sib who is like this, and yes I envy the..."

I always say, "I'm an introvert, not shy."

[Karin]

There are extroverts who aren't big talkers--there is a bit of a myth about this. That said, I have a daughter who is very much the stereotype of the introvert and a dad who is the stereotype of the extrovert.

I struggle with this. Sometimes I'm wrong and people like me better than I think, but sometimes I'm right. I'm an introvert who is outgoing (yes, they are not opposites, and I was pegged as an introvert by my very observant but aunt back when I was just a kid--she's another person who fits the stereotype of introvert) and who enjoys conversation at times, so I can talk a fair bit, but I do have trouble in groups due to the introversion and don't relax.

Then I have to come home and have lots and lots of quiet time.

[Adrian]

There's always one isn't there...

I always assume people like me immediately and more often than not I'd be correct. (I can tell when they don't.)

That works much better in real life because it's very much in the manner and delivery. I tend never to engage in small talk but always go straight to the heart of any matter and will always challenge people - which some find confronting - but because I open up so much of myself in doing so, people usually warm to the idea of opening up also. (I'm making this up as I go because I've not really analysed it before.)

It's not so successful online with strangers - my robust manner can seem arrogant rather than playful - conceited rather than charmingly self-deprecating...

Above all, I always treat people as equals and most people respond positively to that.

[Minzie]

I struggle with it too when it comes to meet new people and making friends online, cause I usually keep quiet in conversation, that's my reaction when I face it ahah

[Daniel]

Honestly, people generally don’t like me, first meeting or otherwise - I believe I understand the reasons why. That also drives anxiety about people not liking me, which I think puts people off and it’s a speedy downward spiral from there.

Some things I really can’t change but, even at my age, I haven’t found a way to improve on things I really ought to be able to do something about. Work in progress and all that…

[Michelle]

Aren't we all, Daniel. I know I'm definitely a work in progress.

[Kandice]

I tend to tailor my speech and mannerisms to whoever I am speaking to for the first time. I don't do it on purpose, but when I look back, it's easy to see. This often means friends I develop deeper relationships with say that I am very different than they thought when we first met.

I'm sure it has everything to do with wanting to be liked. O_o

[Karin]

Daniel wrote: "Honestly, people generally don’t like me, first meeting or otherwise - I believe I understand the reasons why. That also drives anxiety about people not liking me, which I think puts people off and..."

I have a daughter with Asperger's and she goes through this. People like her, but only to a point, and she has no IRL friends.

[Karin]

Kandice wrote: "I tend to tailor my speech and mannerisms to whoever I am speaking to for the first time. I don't do it on purpose, but when I look back, it's easy to see. This often means friends I develop deeper..."

Yes, me too! Not as much now as when I was younger

[Karin]

This came up last night when I was chatting with a couple of people I realize often chat with me. They are not people I'd hang out with separately outside of this group event (I'm married and both are men--one is old enough to be my dad and the other is separated from his wife) but it was reaffirming.

[Daniel]

Karin wrote: "I have a daughter with Asperger's and she goes through this. People like her, but only to a point, and she has no IRL friends.”

Someone in my extended family has been diagnosed; it’s been hinted I may be affected as well.

[Karin]

Daniel wrote: "Karin wrote: "I have a daughter with Asperger's and she goes through this. People like her, but only to a point, and she has no IRL friends.”

Someone in my extended family has been diagnosed; it’s..."

Yes, it might be. My daughter also has anxiety and depression which make her more awkward at times then she otherwise would be. But sometimes people don't really notice too much.

[Daniel]

Karin wrote: "My daughter also has anxiety and depression which make her more awkward at times then she otherwise would be.“

Yep, that’s me - in my case it’s been lifelong. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone - I hope you and she find a way forward.

[Kandice]

I grew up in West Virginia so had a very heavy accent. We moved to California in my teens and I worked very hard to get rid of it. When I talk to my relatives with that accent, either on the phone or in person, it only takes a few sentences for my accent to come back full force.

I wonder if this is a little of the same thing.

[Karin]

Daniel wrote: "Karin wrote: "My daughter also has anxiety and depression which make her more awkward at times then she otherwise would be.“

Yep, that’s me - in my case it’s been lifelong. I wouldn’t wish it on a..."

Yes, I can understand. I just checked your profile--you are too old to have been diagnosed, etc. She was diagnosed at 6 when they still thought it was mostly boys.

I sent you a friend request even though our reading tastes aren't that close. You might find books on my shelf about this, but they'd be older. One I like part of is Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through Autism's Unique Perspectives by an aspie and an autistic woman.

The best part is the unwritten rules, but I didn't read all of it. Each of them also tells some of their experiences. Feel free to PM me with any questions. I don't do a lot of PMs or long PM conversations, but would rather take this off of here if you'd like to discuss it more.

[Allison, Fairy Mod-mother]

One of the things I love about big book clubs, especially speculative ones, is that there is so much difference in lived experience from what I think many of us associate as "the norm." Whether we were big into sports or not, or chatty or quiet or good in school or better in other spaces...what we have is our books, which is sort of definitionally a place of imagination, empathy and comfort with some amount of solitude, and I think we gain those three key life skills in a lot of different ways.

But we also share them, and by having that as a premise, we can kind of see each other when we want to be social in, maybe, ways that non-readers wouldn't get as readily.

To share a love with a wholly imaginary place with other people is its own kinda magic, isn't it? And I think any time we come with passion for a shared thing like this, we're just kind of bound to be excited about other people's passion, too.

Idk, I find it pretty neat ^^

[Kandice]

Allison wrote: "One of the things I love about big book clubs, especially speculative ones, is that there is so much difference in lived experience from what I think many of us associate as "the norm." Whether we ..."

“Friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

I agree with everything you are saying. The quote has always summed that feeling up for me.

[Allison, Fairy Mod-mother]

Kandice wrote: "Allison wrote: "One of the things I love about big book clubs, especially speculative ones, is that there is so much difference in lived experience from what I think many of us associate as "the no..."

<3

[Ryan, Your favourite moderators favourite moderator]

Wondering whether people like me leads me to questioning what reason(s) I give them to, which is always fun and unproductive.

[Cheryl]

I don't know when I developed enough self-respect to know that there's no reason anybody who meets me *shouldn't* like me. Maybe when I started making an effort to smile while walking down the street, and to talk to the cashier at the supermarket, and initiate conversation with a librarian while visiting, if it's quiet and s/he's receptive. Before that, I sometimes vaguely wondered if people could be encouraged to like me enough to be friends, but usually I was fine keeping to myself and my immediate family.

But the reason I had to make myself be noticeable and likable is because I don't find it rewarding. It's not terribly difficult, as I'm not shy, but it's easier not to be outgoing, because I am, yes, an introvert. In fact, I don't have, nor have I ever, had any IRL friends... and I have finally realized that I probably never will and that I don't care.

But anyway, my main point is: *Of course* most people default to liking you, all of you. People enjoy liking other people. If you don't give them reason to dislike you, they will most likely like you.

[Beth]

Cheryl is busier irl atm. wrote: "But anyway, my main point is: *Of course* most people default to liking you, all of you. People enjoy liking other people. If you don't give them reason to dislike you, they will most likely like you."

Beth liked this

You know that thing where if you see a word enough times that it starts feeling not like a word anymore? Like, yeah.

[Cheryl]

:grin: