it's personal discussion
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trying to feel like me again
Why do people stop taking depression medicine?
I am literally the fucking worst friend.
Anxiety doesn't help, but I can't just keep blaming it either
Oh I just found out we're not even going with my mom when she looks at the place tomorrow XD
Shadow of Alex ~They/them~ (The Phoenix Reincarnated) (Shadow of Whales) (Bvbarmy) (Aelonian) (aa family) (Royal council) wrote: "*hugs*"*hugs back*
Shadow of Alex ~They/them~ (The Phoenix Reincarnated) (Shadow of Whales) (Bvbarmy) (Aelonian) (aa family) (Royal council) wrote: "music is my medicine"music is my drug
It's like you're walking on a bridge and it's not a very good bridge or maybe it is a good bridge and you're just still afraid that it's going to fall
well you're moving across it whether by feet or car or bike or whatever it doesn't matter and you're trying to keep moving and other people are trying to get by and there's no room to turn back so you're just forced to keep going
and you go and you get across and you don't even have a moment to celebrate because you have to keep going to keep moving because you're still in the way because you're always in the way
and then the thought occurs to you that maybe you'll only ever be in the way and that maybe you should just stop trying because if life is only ever being in the way what's the point
and it's like you want to matter and to be important and to be remembered but you don't really want the attention because then people will actually be looking at you and expecting things and all of that sounds like too much but you've always wanted everything you've always wanted more
and so you kinda just are stuck, you're still moving so you're not in anyone's way but you're going slower than normal and nothing feels right anymore and you're just waiting for something to change but nothing does
and after some time, maybe a few days, maybe a week, maybe months or even years, you make yourself go faster you tell yourself you got this and you pretend like there's nothing to be afraid of because there shouldn't be anything that you're afraid of and you know that you always knew that
and yet nothing still feels right but you're not allowing yourself to think like thing you're screaming BE HAPPY BE HAPPY BE HAPPY because you know that you should be you should be happy you have no reason not to be happy and because that thought enters your mind and you've beaten yourself up so much that you've managed to convince yourself that your right and so you enter a high
and your highs never seem to last long so you're feeling great when it's the second day and you're still so fucking high and the world is great and you are great and then when you're high is finally ending because something bad happened, maybe it wasn't super bad but it was still had enough to say HEY YOU NO MORE HAPPY SHUT IT OFF as if you're happy is a neighbor that's gotten too loud
you come to a realization that you've done so much of nothing. you know that really cool Harry Potter game you were playing and became obsessed with? You hadn't touched it in those days. You started a bunch of projects that you didn't finish and now that you're back in a low you ask yourself what do I do with these because when you are way passed sad where does the motivation come to live
some people say family some friends some significant others but what about living for yourself?
I mean you hate yourself yes but maybe you can live to make fun of yourself until you learn to love yourself maybe your sadness doesn't always have to mean suicide thoughts and wanting to die and I wonder how many objects in this room can hurt me
Maybe you'll run until your ankles are swollen and maybe it's not the first time but maybe swollen ankles are better than cutting yourself or drowning yourself maybe it's still pain but maybe it'll go away and not leave a visible mark
maybe you'll ask yourself where these thoughts are coming from like you don't already know or maybe you'll just cry over lemonade and have a panic attack in the bathroom because you don't want to make your family worried
maybe you'll promise your friend that you'll go to the doctor knowing that this isn't something easily cured
but dammit you will live because you deserve to live and I don't fucking care if you're having trouble believing you deserve it because in this moment I believe it you deserve to live so just fucking do it
please live even on the bad days and the worse days and the days you know that everything will get worse because maybe, just maybe, you're wrong and it'll start to get better
I'm not sure if I was talking to myself or you guys but there ya go XD
I don't feel tired at all and it's almost four am
I paid no attention to grammar during that wow
Watch me go back to bring happy tomorrow lol
My future self is going to tots hate me for being awake right now XD
NOOOO THEY TOOK DOWN THE FULL MEAN GIRLS MUSICAL
I'd been watching it last night before my phone died and now it's gone
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
30 Things I Love About Myself (other topics)Challenger Deep (other topics)
Throes (other topics)
P.S. I Still Love You (other topics)
Delirium (other topics)
*hugs back*