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Asexuality - personal views and information links
I wanted to link a page here from Less Than Three press of books with asexual main characters. I want to emphasize some of these have 18+ content but since Ace characters in books are hard to find, this might be useful to readers.https://www.lessthanthreepress.com/bo...
Kaje wrote: "I wanted to link a page here from Less Than Three press of books with asexual main characters. I want to emphasize some of these have 18+ content but since Ace characters in books are hard to find,..."Thank you for the link Kaje <3 This is COOL :)
Hello! Anyone here read "Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe"? I'd like to talk about Ari's sexuality and my point of view (as a panromantic asexual girl, myself).
HELL YES I DID AND I FRIGGIN' LOVED IT
Though I don't recall if Ari came off as ace to me....hmm, let me think
Oops, sorry if profanity isn't allowed, but I loved that book
Belén wrote: "Hello! Anyone here read "Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe"? I'd like to talk about Ari's sexuality and my point of view (as a panromantic asexual girl, myself)."Yes, I read it and loved it. I didn't see Ari as ace though, just oblivious of his true feelings until they were pointed out.
The author is working on a sequel.
Yeah - I don't see him as Ace either, just slow in his realizations. Great book though.
Stupid question. What is aseuxal?
*Đł₳₥Ø₦Đ ɆɎɆ₴* wrote: "Stupid question. What is aseuxal?"There are no stupid questions, if a person genuinely wants to know
- basically someone who is asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction to others. Unlike celibacy, which people choose - people who do experience attraction but decide not to act on it - asexuality is an intrinsic part of who an Ace person is.
There is considerable diversity among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently. Some may like to have physical orgasms, but don't associate it with another person even as fantasy, for example. Some may not want any sexual activity, even solo.
Asexuality is just beginning to be the subject of scientific research. It is, however, not due to abuse or other damage in the past (although that can mimic asexuality in its results.) It is just part of how the person is made with regard to their attractions, the same way other sexualities occur. It is not something to be "fixed" or "cured" any more than being gay is.
Many asexual people may have the same romantic attractions as others - they may be hetero-romantic or homo-romantic or pan-romantic in seeking a partner - but just don't have sexual attraction as part of that romantic relationship.
Some asexual people are also aromantic, and have no interest in relationships of that nature with or without sex, but many asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as they are to date each other. There may be challenges in working out a relationship where one member wants sex and the other is uninterested, but there are as many solutions to that imbalance as there are individual people.
A good place for more information is AVEN - Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (from which I copied some of the wording above.)
http://asexuality.org/
Wow. How would I know if someone is asexual?
If it gets to where it's really important, like you're in a relationship, you might potentially ask them (gently/politely, like usual when asking someone's orientation). Like if someone is bi, or gay, or whatever, it should only matter if they want to tell you as a friend (like a friend might say it's annoying getting propositioned at a party, because they're Ace) or if you're dating. It's not something you randomly ask people, to out themselves.As for people who are Ace figuring it out to know themselves - that's sometimes a slow realization. Our society sends out a lot of messages about how important and central sex is. A lot of people assume anyone who isn't interested in sex either has had a bad experience or just needs to find the right triggers. Sometimes that's true - some people with particular turn-ons or fetishes may find they actually do want sex if it contains the right elements. But some discover that, really, they would be much happier with cuddling, maybe kissing, and making their partner happy without all the rubbing of body parts together. Some Ace people are turned off by the very idea of sex, and that's easier to figure out. But some just really, really aren't interested.
There are also people who are gray-asexual or demisexual, where they don't usually have an interest in sex, but if they develop a deep loving relationship with someone, they may also develop sexual attraction to that one person. (This can confuse onlookers who use it as "proof" that an asexual person just hasn't met the right partner, but in fact it's a different shade of asexuality.) And some Ace people do masturbate, they just want the physical without imagining or having any other people involved.
So it's a personal revelation that is often much slower to come to than other orientations (because it's clearer to know who turns you on, than to be sure no one does, and no one, and not that person either, and not the other person you're romantically fond of...)
Oh okay. That makes a lot of sense! Learned something new today!
<3 People are wonderfully varied across the rainbow. Ask anytime you have questions. It's part of what we're here for.
To add to what Kaje was saying previously about asking, in most situations it isn't relevant, but if you're honestly interested in learning about a person, a nice gentle way of asking is just, "How do you identify?" People are lot more receptive to an open ended question like that. Questions like, "Are you Ace?" "Are you gay?" etc. can come off as an accusation and puts people on the defensive, which makes them less likely to answer, and more likely to deflect or lie.And the Ace spectrum is awesomely varied, and it overlaps the other identities in so many different ways. I identify as pandemic (panromantic, demisexual, cis-male) with uniform androgynous attractors [which means that what attracts me romantically (androgynous self-expression--physical, emotional, psychological) to a person is the same for everyone, no matter their sex, gender, or gender identity].
Great point - "How do you identify?" is an excellent way to ask, if you're in that situation where it is appropriate to do so - it shows you are open to their answer, and if someone doesn't want to talk about it they can say "Canadian" or "half-elf" or something deflective. Occasionally they may not know what you're talking about, or be willing but nervous, and offering your identification first as Rez did opens the conversation. (I am cis-gender female and het). That can also be "I'm questioning" BTW, or "I haven't found labels I like" or "I'm thinking about it." Remember it is a very personal, and sometimes risky, question to ask about orientation.
That's interesting. I've never thought about that. I think that's helpful. What does cis mean? Is that a gender?
Cis means that I identify as the same gender as I was assigned at birth. So the docs told my parents I was a girl, and I identify as female. (It's a Latin word for "same" where trans is Latin for "opposite" or "across") The vast majority of people are cis-gender, as opposed to genderqueer/ transgender/ genderfluid/ bigender/ agender. The term is useful in a setting that is open to gender minorities, just like saying I'm heterosexual would be to people of varied sexual orientations, by answering an identity question.
Oh I get it. There are so many terms I didn't realize existed. I have some homework to do!
<3 We have a thread about terms in the Question Corner folder - https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...But really, it's just great that you are asking questions here, and interested to know. And even within the LGBTQ community, some of the terms can be a bit esoteric. It helps us to communicate, to have words for identities and orientations and ideas, but it's not necessary to know them all. Some people really don't like labeling everything, because they feel boxed in. But then, all words are labels, and without them we couldn't communicate ideas very well. It's cool to have you here, with interest in understanding. (And bear in mind, I'm not the final voice of authority on things either. I try, but my explanations are just my own best efforts. <3)
No I get it. I guess the real reason behind it all is open mindedness. Which is what I strive for with questions and I'm also curious that'll never change ;)
Kaje wrote: "<3 We have a thread about terms in the Question Corner folder - https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...But really, it's ju..."
I think your explanations are excellent Kaje. Brava!
<3 Thanks. I hope members, especially Ace folk, who want to add their own voices will also do so here, or share things they have found helpful or interesting. But I'm glad if things I say and link are useful.
Kaje wrote: "Great point - "How do you identify?" is an excellent way to ask - it shows you are open to their answer, and if someone doesn't want to talk about it they can say "Canadian" or "half-elf" or someth..."I do not really see 'Canadian' as deflective. A random 'how do you identify?' question isn't going to immediately bring to my mind that the person is asking about gender/sexual orientation/etc. But any of a million other things (like nationality, religion, race, etc.). So, I'd probably answer 'cat' (which would be, admittedly, deflective), because I've no clue what question they are actually asking. I never even thought of 'gender/sexual orientation/etc' until this thread when I've seen 'how do you identify'.
ETA: Oh wait, you said 'or something deflective'. As another type of answer. Oops.
You're right, context is everything here, of course. And that is why I suggested you could start by offering your own identifiers to explain the context. Because yes, you need a lead in. YOu are essentially asking someone to come out to you. (For an increasing number of people who are LGBTQ, epsecially those who are genderqueer, the term "identify" does have some specificity.)You might also lead with "I've been reading LGBTQ books and I wondered how you identify." The point was more to say that it's far more courteous to say "how do you identify?" than to ask "Are you Ace?" or "Are you gay?" Asking someone to come out may not be safe, or comfortable. Especially because some people may still be in the self-discovery process and others may not want to come out at all, but also not want to deny themselves by saying a flat "no". Offering "how" rather than yes/no, is open ended, and less likely to generate "none of your business" or unhappy reactions, by giving another way out.
Hello! I'm really glad to see a thread on asexuality here. Ace representation is important in books and I will definitely check out some of the books mentioned on here. I already read Aristotle and Dante but to me I felt like it moved kind of slow. That's just me though.I read the last bit of comments in this thread. I probably would go on the defensive if someone outright asked me that. For me personally, I'd rather I come out to someone as asexual instead of them asking me about it first That's just me though.
That totally makes sense and I bet you're far from alone in that. It's not an appropriate random question, for sure. (Any more than asking if someone is gay or trans should be a random question.) Waiting, honoring privacy, and at most trying to figure things out without asking is kindest and most respectful, but people aren't always that patient. Coming out ought to always be your choice, but people do ask (especially in a possible budding romance situation.) Hopefully you can deflect or tell them you don't think that's appropriate.
I think revealing our sexuality to another person is such an individual choice and distinct way of delivery that I don't think we will ever come to one best way. But I sure am grateful to be reading everyone's replies and get a better understanding of what not to say or how to approach it. Thanks to all who are commenting here and sharing their feelings and thoughts.
Here's What This Asexual Homoromantic Couple Wants You To Know About Their Liveshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/h...
Kaje wrote: "Here's What This Asexual Homoromantic Couple Wants You To Know About Their Lives
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/h......"
That was a very interesting read!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/h......"
That was a very interesting read!
<3 I like getting people's own words about their lives. Everyone is a bit different, and it helps us understand.
Although the quotes in translation aren't very articulate, representation is always good:K-Pop star comes out as asexual- Hansol is a member of K-Pop group ToppDogg. His real name is Kim Han-sol.
https://www.gaystarnews.com/article/k...
I don't know if people know about this, but it's a post with fanart of aro and ace characters in fantasy. Two are Tamora Pierce characters which I didn't already know about! I knew about Daja being lesbian, but I didn't know she'd talked about others being queer. (I'm pretty sure she confirms Briar is bi or pan in one of those asks, too.)http://iamshadow21.tumblr.com/post/17...
<3 Very cool. I knew she had lesbian characters, but not ace.
Another short and simple but good post you can show someone who has basic misunderstandings about what asexuality is - 19 Things Asexual People Need You To Understand About Asexuality
https://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/pass...
Kaje wrote: "FB Video - what asexuals want you to know about being Acehttps://www.facebook.com/queervisionb......"
I just watched this, I identify as ace and I find that this video is very informative explaining and answering some question people have about asexuality.
<3 I'm glad you found it well done - since I don't identify as Ace, I appreciate hearing that from you.
Kaje wrote: "<3 I'm glad you found it well done - since I don't identify as Ace, I appreciate hearing that from you."Your welcome. ^-^
Interesting discussion about asexual representation on a TV show (although I don't know if the show is okay for YA - the discussion and points it makes are, though.) What BoJack Horseman got right (and wrong) about asexuality in season five
Warning: spoilers ahead for season five of BoJack Horseman
https://www.gaystarnews.com/article/w...
Asexual Awareness Week is Oct 21-27 2018, but there doesn't seem to have been much organization of it this year. (The main organizer has had personal life problems.)A fun site to check out is "Next Step: Cake. The various and sundry musings of an aromantic asexual.."
https://nextstepcake.wordpress.com/
There also are some great YA books with ace spectrum rep if anyone is interested!Let's Talk About Love : I didn't particularly love this book but as an ace reader I can definitely say the rep wasn't too bad ^^'.
Radio Silence: one of the main characters is demisexual, it's great book but its main focus aren't romance/sexuality.
Tash Hearts Tolstoy : this one has good rep and it's #ownvoices ^^.
Thanks for the support for those books - they are on our group bookshelf, but I've only read one of them so it's good to hear from an ace reader who has. I'm told our current Book of the Month - The Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy - also has ace representation. I'm looking forward to finding out (when I can squeeze it in.)
The main character of Lady's Guide is aromatic!
An out asexual, genderfluid public figure -Celeb Hairstylist Alonzo Arnold Wants to School His Cisgender Fanbase on Gender Fluidity
http://www.newnownext.com/hairstylist...
***warning for link to some adult content***I have bemoaned the fact that it is hard to find books with Ace characters in them. A friend passed along a link to a Goodreads member with what she considered the most complete list of books with asexual spectrum characters; with almost 400 books, I wanted to link it here for those looking for representation, although I expect that most of the books are aimed at adult readers and some will be explicit.
https://www.goodreads.com/review/list...
Kaje wrote: "***warning for link to some adult content***I have bemoaned the fact that it is hard to find books with Ace characters in them. A friend passed along a link to a Goodreads member with what she co..."
Thanks!
There’s a wonderful book by Jae called Perfect Rhythm that deals with the subject in a very real and sensitive way. One of the two main characters in the book is Ace. (Some adult content)Brooklyn
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