Profane Funny Quotes

“My particular dread--the vivid possibility that left me staring at tree shadows on the bedroom ceiling night after night--was having to lie in a small tent, alone in an inky wilderness, listening to a foraging bear outside and wondering what its intentions were. I was especially riveted by an amateur photograph in Herrero's book, taken late at night by a camper with a flash at a campground out West. The photograph caught four black bears as they puzzled over a suspended food bag. The bears were clearly startled but not remotely alarmed by the flash. It was not the size or demeanor of the bears that troubled me--they looked almost comically nonaggressive, like four guys who had gotten a Frisbee caught up a tree--but their numbers. Up to that moment it had not occurred to me that bears might prowl in parties. What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die, of course. Literally shit myself lifeless. I would blow my sphincter out my backside like one of those unrolling paper streamers you get at children's parties--I daresay it would even give a merry toot--and bleed to a messy death in my sleeping bag.”
― Bill Bryson, A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail

“Oooo...He's being a saucy motherfu*ker tonight. He does wrong and I'm the one who gets treated like the whore of Babylon. Fine, he wants a show I'll give him a damn show.”
― S.K. Logsdon, Stricken Unveiled

“Excuse me while I jot that down in my Big Blue Book of Who Gives a Shit?”
― Carsten Stroud, The Homecoming

“Shikata ga fucking nai, sa sa?
-Naomi”
― James S.A. Corey, Cibola Burn

“We plead for help from eyelashes, dandelions, pennies, wishbones and shooting stars. And then some of us have the nerve to get down on our knees and clasp our hands. What must it be like to be so brave and bereft at once? To drop all one's defences? It's one thing when a chicken bone is deaf to your deepest desires, but it must be something else when God goes silent.”
― Billie Livingston, The Crooked Heart of Mercy