Robert Williamson > Robert's Quotes

“Josh: "What is this thing?"
Gasper: "It's a Yeti. An abominable snowman."
Biff: "This is what happens when you fuck a sheep?"
Josh: "Not an abomination, abominable.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

“Evil isn’t the real threat to the world. Stupid is just as destructive as Evil, maybe more so, and it’s a hell of a lot more common. What we really need is a crusade against Stupid. That might actually make a difference.”
― Jim Butcher, Vignette

“And vampires never sparkle unless they just ate a stripper.”
― James R. Tuck, Blood and Bullets

“I blame it on Twilight. In real life, vampires only sparkle when they're on fire.”
― Larry Correia, Monster Hunter Vendetta

“It’s sarcasm, Josh.”

“Sarcasm?”

“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”

“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”

“There you go, you got it.”

“Got what?”

“Sarcasm.”

“No, I meant it.”

“Sure you did.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Irony, I think.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So you’re being ironic now, right?”

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”

“Now you’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Sarcasm.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

“No hospitals, she says.
I know.
Where are we going?
For ice cream. What's your favorite flavor?
Fuck you.
That's my favorite, too.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“Roosevelt pulled a cigar from his pocket and lit it. “How can you smoke at a time like this?” asked the captain. His eyes were aimed up at the falling flames.

“Hell, if I’m going to die, it’s going to be doing something I enjoy. And since none of you are of the female persuasion, it’s the cigar.”

“At this point the fall would probably just pulverize our legs. If we could avoid cardiac arrest, we’d live. As invalids of course,” replied Smith.

“Don’t ruin my cigar, Schmitty.”
― Andrew Mayne, The Martian Emperor

“We must always look after our friends, even when they are foolish. Especially when they are foolish.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“If I learned anything Downtown, it's this: the only real difference between an enemy and a friend is the day of the week.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

“There are three kinds of people in the world: people who can't believe anything, suckers who believe everything, and a few of us who can face the truth.”
― Larry Correia, Monster Hunter International

“That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

“When you cross over into the weird stuff, there's no going back. Hector has a theory on it. Calls it the law of 'Anomalous Phenomena Attraction.' He explained it to me once. Didn't really pay attention, but it boils down to 'weird shit pulls in more weird shit.”
― A. Lee Martinez, Gil's All Fright Diner

“Topper had once heard a saying, "If you set out on the path to revenge, first dig two graves." But things worked a little differently in the savage dwarf's head. So, he had remembered it like this, "If you set out on the path to revenge, first pour two glasses." And that's exactly what he did.”
― Patrick E. McLean, Hostile Takeover

“Nobody should have to die to a crappy soundtrack”
― James R. Tuck, Blood and Bullets

“A cute girl, a pissed off Were-spider, and an occult boulnty hunter carrying a small arsenal walk into a bar...

I bet this joke was gonna have one helluva punch line.”
― James R. Tuck, Spider's Lullaby