Beth > Beth's Quotes

“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
― Jim Henson

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
― Paul Terry

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
― Narcotics Anonymous

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
― Garrison Keillor

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields

“The difference between genius and stupidity is: genius has its limits.”
― Alexandre Dumas-fils

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
― Mark Twain

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday, "Billy" Sunday, the man and his message: with his own words which have won thousands for Christ

“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”
― George Carlin

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
― Robin Williams

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”
― Dorothy Parker

“Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.”
― Jon Stewart

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”
― George Carlin

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
― George Carlin

“Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.”
― Jon Stewart

“If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.”
― Jon Stewart