AJ > AJ's Quotes

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
― steven wright

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
― Steven Wright

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
― Steven Wright

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
― Steven Wright

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”
― Steven Wright

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”
― steven wright

“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.”
― Steven Wright

“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
― Steven Wright

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”
― Steven Wright

“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?”
― Steven Wright

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”
― Steven Wright

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
― Steven Wright

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
― Steven Wright

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.”
― Steven Wright

“What a nice night for an evening.”
― Steven Wright

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
― Steven Wright

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”
― Steven Wright

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”
― Steven Wright

“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”
― Steven Wright

“What is the speed of dark?”
― steven wright

“Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”
― Steven Wright

“If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?”
― Steven Wright

“Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?”
― Steven Wright

“You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.”
― Steven Wright

“Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”
― Steven Wright

“The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.”
― Steven Wright

“A metaphor is like a simile.”
― Steven Wright

“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”
― Steven Wright

“Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”
― Steven Wright