Ron > Ron's Quotes

“It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.”
― Dolly Parton

“If I see something saggin', baggin', or draggin', I'm gone have it nipped, tucked, or sucked!”
― Dolly Parton

“every relationship you are in will fail, until one doesn't ”
― Dan Savage

“The truly revolutionary promise of our nation's founding document is the freedom to pursue happiness-with-a-capital-H. ”
― Dan Savage, Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.”
― Stephen King, Storm of the Century

“The road to hell is paved with adverbs.”
― Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft

“If you liked being a teenager, there's something really wrong with you.”
― Stephen King

“Books are a uniquely portable magic.”
― Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft

“I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries.”
― Stephen King

“Schizoid behavior is a pretty common thing in children. It's accepted, because all we adults have this unspoken agreement that children are lunatics.”
― Stephen King

“Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.”
― Jon Stewart

“Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.”
― Jon Stewart

“If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.”
― Jon Stewart

“You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.”
― Jon Stewart

“Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.”
― Stephen Colbert

“I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!”
― Stephen Colbert

“If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.”
― Stephen Colbert

“There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.”
― Stephen Colbert

“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory”
― Stephen Colbert

“The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!”
― Stephen Colbert

“Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.”
― David Sedaris

“We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.”
― David Sedaris, Naked

“On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind.”
― david sedaris

“I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.”
― David Sedaris

“On Undecided Voter​s: "To put them in perspective, I think​ of being​ on an airplane.​ The flight attendant comes​ down the aisle​ with her food cart and, eventually,​ parks​ it beside my seat.​ “Can I inter​est you in the chick​en?​” she asks.​ “Or would​ you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broke​n glass​ in it?”

To be undecided in this elect​ion is to pause​ for a moment and then ask how the chick​en is cooked.”
― David Sedaris

“It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.”
― David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames

“As I searched the atlas for somewhere to run to, Hugh made a case for his old stomping grounds. His first suggestion was Beirut, where he went to nursery school. His family left there in the midsixties and moved to the Congo. After that, it was Ethiopia, and then Somalia, all fine places in his opinion.
'Let's save Africa and the Middle East for when I decide to quit living,' I said.”
― David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames