Dan > Dan's Quotes

“Anyway, here’s the thing you have to understand about Ted Cruz. I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz.”
― Al Franken

“A circle looks at a square and sees a badly made circle.”
― Jeff VanderMeer, Authority

“(I don’t want to talk about that right this second but just FYI, I’m a little bit of an athlete . . . I mean you roll it down I’m going to kick it pretty hard, that is all I’m saying. Seriously, some guys bounce it, which is illegal, but either way I’m going to whack it. So if you’re the pitcher, might as well roll it smoothly down to me so you can sleep at night because you won’t be a cheater and either way you’re going to get shelled. But that’s neither here nor there.)”
― David Spade, Almost Interesting

“I’d tell her to come over at 10 A.M. and she’d roll in at 10:45 with a Starbucks going “The fucking 405 was nuts today!” I would sit there thinking, Well, this isn’t new information. No one ever says, “If you want to save time, take the 405. Best-kept secret in L.A. Shhhh.”
― David Spade, Almost Interesting

“I need to know how you did it.” “I did it,” said Sweeney, with the air of one confiding a huge secret, “with panache and style.”
― Neil Gaiman, American Gods

“You’re a big one,” said Nancy, staring into Shadow’s light-gray eyes with old eyes the color of mahogany, “a tall drink of water, but I got to tell you, you don’t look too bright. I got a son, stupid as a man who bought his stupid at a two-for-one sale, and you remind me of him.”
― Neil Gaiman, American Gods

“Say ‘Nevermore,’” said Shadow. “Fuck you,” said the raven.”
― Neil Gaiman, American Gods

“Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. —BEN FRANKLIN, POOR RICHARD’S ALMANACK”
― Neil Gaiman, American Gods

“Gable often said Gondorf couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the sole.”
― Jason Matthews, The Kremlin's Candidate

“His active measures were creating lasting discord in the West, at minimal cost, and if he wanted to unseat an American politician, he had only to release an embarrassing, unencrypted email through WikiLeaks run by that languid dupe hiding in that exiguous Latin embassy in London. Partisan political hysteria now gripping American society would do the rest.”
― Jason Matthews, The Kremlin's Candidate

“His usual habit was to click twice. If in doubt, et cetera. Maybe it helped, and it never seemed to hurt. Like shooting someone in the head. A double tap could do no harm.”
― Lee Child, Past Tense

“Reacher let him fall. He landed on the bricks outside the bag shop, one arm right and the other arm wrong, like a swastika. He was breathing. A little bubbly, from the blood in his throat. His nose was badly busted. Cheekbones, too, maybe. Some of his teeth were out. Upper row, mostly. His dentist’s kid was going to be just fine for college.”
― Lee Child, Past Tense

“The guy didn’t move. He was five inches down in height, maybe thirty pounds in weight, maybe a whole foot in reach. Evidently unarmed, because otherwise his weapon would have been out and in his hand already. Evidently unsettled, too, by Reacher’s gaze, which was steady, and calm, and slightly amused, but also undeniably predatory, and even a little unhinged.”
― Lee Child, Blue Moon

“Leonard, you’re my hero. When I grow up I want to be just like you. Can I, huh, can I?” “Need some black paint first, but that isn’t gonna make you as pretty. And it would be nice if you were a lot less stupid.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Savage Season

“These fucks next door. I got no problems with them yet, but I feel one brewing, way they watch me. They’re biding their time. I’d like to have you at my back, and there’s always the chance they’ll get you first, instead of me. I like the idea of a buffer.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Mucho Mojo

“Whitey still has them on his farm, only they ain’t doing nothing there and they’re getting tidbits tossed to them like dogs, and they take it and keep on keeping on and wanting Whitey to do more.” “Maybe Whitey owes them.” “Maybe he does, but you can be a cur or you get up off your ass and start seeing yourself as a person instead of an underdog that’s got to take those scraps.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Mucho Mojo

“I thought about Hanson. I wanted to be mad at him, but he hadn’t done anything but respond to what was there to respond to. Hell, I liked the big bastard. Really. He was a swell guy. I just hoped his dick would fall off.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Mucho Mojo

“I guess. You think he’ll get life, or a needle full of shit?” “I pray for the needle. I’d like to be there to push the plunger in the fucker, or maybe just forget the dope and jab him to death with the needle.” “The thing that worries me about you, Leonard, is you have such a hard time getting in touch with your true feelings.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Mucho Mojo

“MeMaw was good people, but that didn’t mean the genes didn’t come together in Hiram crooked somewhere. Got the wrong combination.” “Then in a way,” I said, “that means he couldn’t help it.” “Bad dogs can’t help but bite either. I’ve seen ’em born vicious and just get worse as they got older, no matter how good you treated ’em. They can’t help it, but I couldn’t help putting a bullet through their heads either. You don’t bite me, or try to bite me but once.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Mucho Mojo

“I don’t get it,” Raul said. “Why all this macho?” “When I say act like a man,” Leonard said, “I mean act honorably and with courage. Macho has been turned into a bad word by turds who act like beasts, not men.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, The Two-Bear Mambo

“Christians think you got to do good ’cause you want to go to heaven, but if you do good ’cause you want to do good and don’t believe in that shit, then they figure it’s the slow oven for you anyway. They like a god that’s a bully, makes you want to do good ’cause he’s gonna rough you up.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Bad Chili

“That first noggin shot I hit him so hard I bet his fuckin’ dog back home shit a turd in the shape of a praying Jesus.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Bad Chili

“It’s a special state of mind. You know, like when you switch channels on TV, and surprise, it’s your favorite movie just starting.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Bad Chili

“I love him,” Ella said. “I loved that shit-ass husband of mine, too,” Brett said. “But one day I didn’t and I had to set his head on fire.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Bad Chili

“Don’t forget she beaned him with a shovel and he’s in a home somewhere trying to decide if blue socks go with a paper hat and a fart.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Rumble Tumble