Katrina asked this question about
Call Me by Your Name:
Why did Oliver get married? Wasn't he still in love with Elio?
Tom Osborne
This answer contains spoilers…
(view spoiler)[I think that love really is bigger than just one person and especially when you are young, you can't really determine whether or not you had found your "heart of hearts". Many other people can attract on various levels, so it is hard to immediately understand and accept the "ultimate" even when you find it. Oliver may have been closer to understanding that than Elio, but then, Oliver still had that "on again, off again" relationship to figure out once he was back home. Elio seemed to still have his doubts throughout the time they were together, tetter-tottering back and forth between ultimate intimacy and deep guilt or fear. I think it is important to understand not only the periods each of them were in in their personal lives, but also society at the time.
Regarding society, while "gay" was not so deeply in the closet by then, it still wasn't as loudly out as it is today (and eve today, it can be a big problem). Elio was only able to see some acceptance of this kind of relationship during the unusual and insular evening in Rome with all the artists and intellectuals...but even then, the wife of the poet did describe him as "dissolute" (and she with the husband who went to Thailand for a year and got all mixed up with that hotel person who could have been either a girl or a boy!), but then spent the rest of the evening attempting to suck that word back into her mouth. As for Oliver, he clearly would not have been expecting an easy acceptance from his own father, for example. Just the times alone would have made the cementing of this relationship somewhat problematic (but, of course, very many did manage to do it).
I think probably a more important factor was where they each were in their lives. Again, Oliver is somewhat ahead of Elio in this regard, in that he was at least in graduate school, whereas Elio was still not yet even in college. Both of them had hugely academic careers ahead of them and thus they were going to remain on THIS side of the real life divide, getting their education, for a while yet. Despite some level of independence, Elio was still deeply in the nest of his parents and therefore not at all ready to fly freely. And he knew it; he did not attempt to "elope" with Oliver, but instead, hoped that they could both somehow carry the energy even through the big separation. But such a separation can kill it for the best of us.
I, myself, thought I was deeply in love with probably the best woman I had ever met in my life, but it was a romance when we were in college and still supported by each of our parents. I was one year older than she was and therefore graduated a year before she did and after getting my diploma, suddenly stepped out away from the "fantasy life" of being taken care of in school, right into the hard knocks of needing to support myself and find solidity in the real adult world. It's almost like then I was an adult while she was still a child, although all this was understood only subconsciously. As fate would have it, I excitedly accepted a job all the way across country (an adventure!) while my girlfriend still had one more year of college to complete. Just that distance alone, and the sudden immense difference in circumstance killed it. To her, my willingness to move away seemed to indicate that what we had was totally over and she didn't ever want to see me again. She never did marry, by the way, and neither did I, even though in both cases there were several other opportunities. It was like we had had our chance, blew it, and there now was just a void.
Much about CMFYN that filled me with love but also hurt me and made me cry many tears was it opened up thoughts that I had buried very deeply away. Had I been a "villain" like I had viewed Oliver upon my first reading of the book? It seemed that HE was the one who wrecked the relationship, but perhaps that was my own guilt that now needed to be looked at and maybe finally released from my subconscious. Instead, it is all very human and nobody's fault. It seems that regarding Elio and Oliver, it is only "now" (20 years later) that they finally fully understood what they had together, and so, to me, it is that last chapter in the book that is the most powerful and meaningful. As much as we all would have LOVED to have had our own "Elio and Oliver" relationships (of whatever sexuality) and they would have worked out, it almost never could actually exist the way we would hope it would. Not in this life structure anyway, and not for people that young. But instead, our "Elio and Oliver" might mean something else, if only we could figure it all out. Can "heart of hearts" relationships exist when the "hearts" are committed to "parallel" relationships? I don't think in the book the Elio and Oliver relationship is really over; just transformed into something we have no familiarity with, yet. But my own huge tears of crying over a work of fiction (although I am convinced that most of this is autobiographical... who is Alma?) indicate that something is still alive and well in my soul and flowing with nutritious water. This incredible book was a deep swim in that water. (hide spoiler)]
Regarding society, while "gay" was not so deeply in the closet by then, it still wasn't as loudly out as it is today (and eve today, it can be a big problem). Elio was only able to see some acceptance of this kind of relationship during the unusual and insular evening in Rome with all the artists and intellectuals...but even then, the wife of the poet did describe him as "dissolute" (and she with the husband who went to Thailand for a year and got all mixed up with that hotel person who could have been either a girl or a boy!), but then spent the rest of the evening attempting to suck that word back into her mouth. As for Oliver, he clearly would not have been expecting an easy acceptance from his own father, for example. Just the times alone would have made the cementing of this relationship somewhat problematic (but, of course, very many did manage to do it).
I think probably a more important factor was where they each were in their lives. Again, Oliver is somewhat ahead of Elio in this regard, in that he was at least in graduate school, whereas Elio was still not yet even in college. Both of them had hugely academic careers ahead of them and thus they were going to remain on THIS side of the real life divide, getting their education, for a while yet. Despite some level of independence, Elio was still deeply in the nest of his parents and therefore not at all ready to fly freely. And he knew it; he did not attempt to "elope" with Oliver, but instead, hoped that they could both somehow carry the energy even through the big separation. But such a separation can kill it for the best of us.
I, myself, thought I was deeply in love with probably the best woman I had ever met in my life, but it was a romance when we were in college and still supported by each of our parents. I was one year older than she was and therefore graduated a year before she did and after getting my diploma, suddenly stepped out away from the "fantasy life" of being taken care of in school, right into the hard knocks of needing to support myself and find solidity in the real adult world. It's almost like then I was an adult while she was still a child, although all this was understood only subconsciously. As fate would have it, I excitedly accepted a job all the way across country (an adventure!) while my girlfriend still had one more year of college to complete. Just that distance alone, and the sudden immense difference in circumstance killed it. To her, my willingness to move away seemed to indicate that what we had was totally over and she didn't ever want to see me again. She never did marry, by the way, and neither did I, even though in both cases there were several other opportunities. It was like we had had our chance, blew it, and there now was just a void.
Much about CMFYN that filled me with love but also hurt me and made me cry many tears was it opened up thoughts that I had buried very deeply away. Had I been a "villain" like I had viewed Oliver upon my first reading of the book? It seemed that HE was the one who wrecked the relationship, but perhaps that was my own guilt that now needed to be looked at and maybe finally released from my subconscious. Instead, it is all very human and nobody's fault. It seems that regarding Elio and Oliver, it is only "now" (20 years later) that they finally fully understood what they had together, and so, to me, it is that last chapter in the book that is the most powerful and meaningful. As much as we all would have LOVED to have had our own "Elio and Oliver" relationships (of whatever sexuality) and they would have worked out, it almost never could actually exist the way we would hope it would. Not in this life structure anyway, and not for people that young. But instead, our "Elio and Oliver" might mean something else, if only we could figure it all out. Can "heart of hearts" relationships exist when the "hearts" are committed to "parallel" relationships? I don't think in the book the Elio and Oliver relationship is really over; just transformed into something we have no familiarity with, yet. But my own huge tears of crying over a work of fiction (although I am convinced that most of this is autobiographical... who is Alma?) indicate that something is still alive and well in my soul and flowing with nutritious water. This incredible book was a deep swim in that water. (hide spoiler)]
by
André Aciman (Goodreads Author)
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