Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

abuser tends to see his partner as less intelligent, less competent, less logical, and even less sensitive than he is. He will tell me, for example, that she isn’t the compassionate person he is.

Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time.

As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty—or violence—he builds to the next. By depersonalizing his partner, the abuser protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and empathy, so that he can sleep at night with a clear conscience.

He distances himself so far from her humanity that her feelings no longer count, ...

Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.

REALITY #5: He confuses love and abuse.

An abusive man often tries to convince his partner that his mistreatment of her is proof of how deeply he cares, but the reality is that abuse is the opposite of love.

He may feel a powerful desire to receive your love and caretaking, but he only wants to give love when it’s convenient.

So is he lying when he says he loves you? N...

WHOAAAAA!!! This is very interesting

He may well be capable of feeling genuine love for you, but first he will have to dramatically reorient his outlook in order to separate abusive and possessive desires from true caring, and become able to really see you.

Obviously, moms who kill their babies due to postpartum psychosis, she often does have the delusion she was helping the child. But- a feature of psychosis is the inability to think rationally, and these mothers often live with so much guilt.

Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person’s self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion.

REALITY #6: He is manipulative.

One day Joanne tells David that his outbursts are getting to her and she needs to take some time off from their relationship. David says, “What you are saying is that you don’t love me anymore. I’m not sure you ever loved me. You don’t understand how strong my feelings are for you,” and he looks close to tears. The conversation shifts to Joanne reassuring David that she isn’t abandoning him, and her complaints about his behavior get lost in the shuffle.

Exactly what I would expect him to do/say! Whatever feeling of my own I bring up, he twists it into me saying that HE is a bad person!

Joanne proposes a number of strategies for dealing with both money and child care, all of which David finds something wrong with. Joanne finally decides it’s impossible to continue her education, but David then insists that he wasn’t trying to talk her out of it. She winds up feeling that the decision not to go back to school is her own.

Being a nonstop bully is too much work, and it makes the man look bad.

The abuser therefore tends to switch frequently to manipulating his partner to get what he wants.

There are some signs of manipulation by abusers that you can watch for: Changing his moods abruptly and frequently, so that you find it difficult to tell who he is or how he feels, keeping you constantly off balance. His feelings toward you are especially changeable. Denying the obvious about what he is doing or feeling. He’ll speak to you with his voice trembling with anger, or he’ll blame a difficulty on you, or he’ll sulk for two hours, and then deny it to your face. You know what he did—and so does he—but he refuses to admit it, which can drive you crazy with frustration. Then he may call you irrational for getting so upset by his denial. Convincing you that what he wants you to do is what is best for you. This way the abuser can make his selfishness look like generosity, which is a neat trick. A long time may pass before you realize what his real motives were. Getting you to feel sorry for him, so that you will be reluctant to push forward with your complaints about what he does. Getting you to blame yourself or blame other people, for what he does. Using confusion tactics in arguments, subtly or overtly changing the subject, insisting that you are thinking or feeling things that you aren’t, twisting your words, and many other tactics that serve as glue to pour into your brain. You may leave arguments with him feeling like you are losing your mind. Lying or misleading you about his actions, his desires, or his reasons for doing certain things, in order to guide you in...

In some ways manipulation is worse than overt abuse, especially when the ...

THIS!!!! He will only say something overtly abusive occasionally during our arguments, but I’m still left without resolution and confused.

REALITY #7: He strives to have a good public image.

If you are involved with an abusive man, you may spend a lot of your time trying to figure out what is wrong with you, rather than what is wrong with him.

If he gets along well with other people and impresses them with his generosity, sense of humor, and friendliness, you may wind up wondering, “What is it about me that sets h...

Selfish and self-centered with you but generous and supportive with others

Entitled at home but critical of other men who disrespect or assault women

The observers think, He’s such a nice guy, he’s just not the type to be abusive. She must have really hurt him.

The abuser’s nice-guy front helps him feel good about himself.

Although these men usually keep their abusive side well hidden outside of the home, there is one situation in which it slips out: when someone confronts them about their abusiveness and sticks up for the abused woman, which happens to be my job. Suddenly, the attitudes and tactics they normally reserve for home come pouring out. The vast majority of women who say that they are being abused are telling the truth.

REALITY #8: He feels justified.

Abusers externalize responsibility for their actions, believing that their partners make them behave in abusive ways.

Each of my clients predictably uses some variation of the following lines: “She knows how to push my buttons.” “She wanted me to go off, and she knows how to make it happen.” “She pushed me too far.” “There’s only so much a man can take.” “You expect me to just let her walk all over me. What would you do?”

Abusive men are masters of excuse making. In this respect they are like substance abusers, who believe that everyone and everything except them is responsible for their actions.

When they aren’t blaming their partners, they blame stress, alcohol, their childhood, their children, their bosses, or their insecurities.

More important, they feel entitled to make...

Most abusers do have a conscience about their behavior outside of the family. They may be willing to be answerable for their actions at work, at the club, or on the street. At home, however, their sense of entitlement takes over.

commonly believes he can blame his partner for anything that goes wrong, not just his abusiveness. Did he just suffer a disappointment? She caused it.

REALITY #9: Abusers deny and minimize their abuse.

They also tell me: “He says she does the same things to him, so I guess they abuse each other.” This kind of denial and cross-accusation tells us nothing about whether the woman is telling the truth.

he were ready to accept responsibility for his actions in relationships, he wouldn’t be abusive.

Breaking through denial and minimization is one of the main tasks facing an abuse counselor.

When an abuser denies an incident immediately after it happens, he can set his partner’s head spinning.

A woman can feel that she is losing her mind—or develop actual psychiatric symptoms—if the obvious realities of her life, including abuse, are denied repeatedly by her partner.

The certainty and authority in his voice, with his eyes twisted up to show how baffled he is, leave her questioning herself. “Did that really happen? Maybe it didn’t. Maybe I do overreact to innocent things.”

outsiders start to notice her instability, the abuser can use their observations to persuade them that her revelatio...

“After an incident, it seems like he really believes the abuse didn’t happen. Is he consciously lying?” T...

However, a small percentage of abusers—perhaps one in twelve—may have psychological conditions such as narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, in which they literally block any bad behavior from consciousness.

I do wonder about NPD… I’ll have to look further into how to distinguish abuser from covert narcissism, or how to find out if they overlap.

One of the clues that your partner may have such a disturbance is if you notice him doing similar things to other people. If his denial and mind messing are restricted to you, or to situations that are related to you, he is probably simply abusive.

ANDDD the next line answered my question. No, he’s not doing this to anyone else… fuck

Denial and minimization are part of most destructive behavior patterns, whether they be alcohol abuse, gambling, or child abuse. Partner abuse is no exception.

MOST DESTRUCTIVE!!! Questioning my sanity/reality.

I never thought of him as possessive until I read that title —> memories rushing in. He wants me to go everywhere with him, even if it’s not in my best interest (Denver, Telluride this past winter during my HBOT treatments). I told him I wanted to go home to Michigan for a long trip. He seemed to nod; the next day, he asked me when I wanted to get flights with him. I said- I didn’t think you could really come on a long trip? I want to stay there for at least a month. Remy- but we have buddy passes, flight tickets are up 20%, we don’t have money. Katrina- I can go by myself, I’d actually like to have a long stretch with my family, especially since I’m finally feeling better from long COVID. Remy- sad, doesn’t accept, repeats we need to use buddy passes d/t money. Also, he cannot go for a long period of time like I want to because of work/money it takes to pay for a dogsitter. Katrina- can’t get through to him, starts to feel terribly about our money situation cause if we had two incomes it would be a lot easier, ends up feeling shitty, no decision has been made. Then, realizing how much I need this time to heal with my family, that two of my grandparents have died since I came to Utah, my nonny is still alive and I’m so fucking scared she’ll pass away while I’m gone and I won’t have had the time with her that I’m torn up inside about, I decide to ask again, and reframe it. I haven’t asked in a few weeks because I’m feeling defeated. The conversation barely changes, no matter how much I try to come up with the “best way” to ask. It always goes back to buddy flights, money, guilt about myself not contributing, dogsitter, and then no resolution. Just a circular conversation from hell. If he read this, he’d say he has paid for me to go home before when I asked (like over Christmas- but, there was even arguing about how long I was able to stay home then. He probably would say he “doesn’t remember arguing over that”).