Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

An abused woman tends to pour precious energy into supporting her abusive partner and massaging his ego, hoping against hope that if he is kept well stroked his next explosion might be averted. How well does this strategy work? Unfortunately, not very. You can’t manage an abuser except for brief periods.

When you try to improve an abuser’s feelings about himself, his problem actually tends to get worse.

An abusive man expects catering, and the more positive attention he receives, the more he demands. He never reaches a point where he is satisfied, where he has been given enough. Rather, he gets used to the luxurious treatment he is receiving and soon escalates his demands.

we thought the public could benefit from hearing an abuser speak in his own words about his behaviors and his process of change. But we found that each time we gave a client public attention, he had a bad incident of mistreating his partner within a few days thereafter.

Feeling like a star and a changed man, his head swelled from all the attention he had been given, he would go home and rip into his partner with accusations and put-downs.

Imagine the privileges an abusive man may acquire: getting his own way most of the time, having his partner bend over backward to keep him happy so he won’t explode, getting to behave as he pleases, and then on top of it all, he gets praise for what a good person he is, and everyone is trying to help him feel better about himself!

Certainly an abuser can be remorseful or ashamed after being cruel or scary to his partner, especially if any outsider has seen what he did.

But those feelings are a result of his abusive behav...

as a relationship progresses, the abusive man tends to get more comfortable with his own behavior and the remorse dies out, suffocated u...

Think for a just a moment about how your partner’s degrading and bullying behavior has hurt your self-esteem.

If low self-esteem isn’t an excuse for you to become abusive, then it’s no excuse for him either.

MYTH #12: His boss abuses him, so he feels powerless and unsuccessful. He comes home and takes it out on his family because that is the one place he can feel powerful.

I call this myth “boss abuses man, man abuses woman, woman abuses children, children hit dog, dog bites cat.”

The more power these men have in their jobs, the more catering and submission they expect at home.

while some abusers use the “mean boss” excuse, others use the opposite.

The most important point is this one: In my fifteen years in the field of abuse, I have never once had a client whose behavior at home has improved because his job situation improved.

MYTH #13: He has poor communication, conflict-resolution, and stress-management skills. He needs training.

An abusive man is not unable to resolve conflicts nonabusively; he is unwilling to do so.

Abusers have normal abilities in conflict resolution, communication, and assertiveness when they choose to use them.

They typically get through tense situations at work without threatening anyone;

But they don’t want to handle these kinds of issues nonabusively when it involves their partners.

MYTH #14: There are just as many abusive women as abusive men. Abused men are invisible because they are ashamed to tell.

I don’t question how embarrassing it would be for a man to come forward and admit that a woman is abusing him. But don’t underestimate how humiliated a woman feels when she reveals abuse; women crave dignity just as much as men do. If shame stopped people from coming forward, no one would tell.

Abusive men commonly like to play the role of victim, and most men who claim to be “battered men” are actually the perpetrators of violence, not the victims.

their efforts to adopt victim status, my clients try to exaggerate their partners’ verbal power: “Sure, I can win a physical fight, but she is much better with her mouth than I am, so I’d say it balances out.”

Unlike alcoholics or addicts, abusive men don’t “hit bottom.” They can continue abusing for twenty or thirty years, and their careers remain successful,

An abuser can usually outperform his victim on psychological tests, such as the ones that are routinely required during custody disputes, because he isn’t the one who has been traumatized by years of psychological or physical assault.

MYTH #17: The alcohol is what makes him abusive. If I can get him to stay sober, our relationship will be fine.

The most important point to be aware of is this: Alcohol cannot create an abuser, and sobriety cannot cure one.

The only way a man can overcome his abusiveness is by dealing with his abusiveness. And you are not “enabling” your partner to mistreat you; he is entirely responsible for his own actions.

KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER An abusive man’s emotional problems do not cause his abusiveness. You can’t change him by figuring out what is bothering him, helping him feel better, or improving the dynamics of your relationship. Feelings do not govern abusive or controlling behavior; beliefs, values, and habits are the driving forces. The reasons that an abusive man gives for his behavior are simply excuses. There is no way to overcome a problem with abusiveness by focusing on tangents such as self-esteem, conflict resolution, anger management, or impulse control. Abusiveness is resolved by dealing with abusiveness. Abusers thrive on creating confusion, including confusion about the abuse itself. There is nothing wrong with you. Your partner’s abuse problem is his own.

When I work with an abused woman, my first goal is to help her to regain trust in herself; to get her to rely on her own perceptions, to listen to her own internal voices.

what you do need above all is some support and encouragement to hold on to your own truth.

Your abusive partner wants to deny your experience. He wants to pluck your view of reality out of your head and replace it with his. When someone has invaded your identity in this way enough times, you naturally start to ...

REALITY #1: He is controlling.

He believed in his right to control his partner’s actions; he expected his word to be the last word; and he did not accept defiance.

Control comes in many different forms.

Most of my clients stake out specific turf to control, like an explorer claiming land, rather than trying to run everything.

One abuser may be fanatical about having to win every argument but leave his partner alone about what she wears.

One abuser will have a curfew for his partner, while another will allow his partner to come and go as she pleases—as long as she makes his meals and does his laundry.

An abusive man’s control generally falls into one or more of the following central spheres:

ARGUMENTS AND DECISION MAKING

Sphere of control #1

Consider how challenging it is to negotiate or compromise with a man who operates on the following tenets (whether or not he ever says them aloud):

“An argument should only last as long as my patience does. Once I’ve had enough, the discussion is over and it’s time for you to shut up.” “If the issue we’re struggling over is important to me, I should get what I want. If you don’t back off, you’re wronging me.” “I know what is best for you and for our relationship. If you continue disagreeing with me after I’ve made it clear which path is the right one, you’re acting stupid.” “If my control and authority seem to be slipping, I have the right to take steps to reestablish the rule of my will, including abuse if necessary.”

one that most distinguishes the abuser from other people: Perhaps any of us can slip into having feelings like the ones in numbers one through three, but the abuser gives himself permission to take action on the basis of his beliefs.

PERSONAL FREEDOM

Sphere of control #2

An abusive man often considers it his right to control where his partner goes, with whom she associates, what she wears, and when she needs to be back home.

He therefore feels that she should be grateful for any freedoms that he do...

Omg, this is what happens!!! He constantly complains about something (ex- the kitchen isn’t clean so he can’t focus for work). I say I can’t get to it right now. He says that his complaints aren’t directed at ME, they’re just statements, he says he can also do some cleaning sometime. However- he continues to complain about it on a low level, sometimes for a few days. I guess I tend to get so worn down from this, and I start to feel guilty because he’s making the money, so it’s always felt like he’s the only one that can make decisions? I’ll have to watch out for this- expect it, and don’t acknowledge it other than a head nod. Don’t get defensive- he can easily slip back into saying he wasn’t saying it to me! I can just say, yep, it’s dirty, and let go of that anxiety that tells me I need to fix it so he can focus better on work, work makes the money, I don’t make money.

The abuser may repeatedly make negative comments about one of his partner’s friends, for example, so that she gradually stops seeing her acquaintance to save herself the hassle.